Muskoka Bound!

Dear Kiddies: I am off to hot tub, barbecue and beer heaven with sexy friends in tow and beautiful, intelligent babies waddling alongside this weekend- starting now. No work for me.

I will leave this thread open and expect fully that any conversation taking place will be in a responsible adult tone. That means no crude mention of genitalia, breasts, necrophilia, conservatism, gay bashing, Leaf supporting, feltching of any kind or circle-jerk discussions about Ashley MacIsaac's loose planks. Violators will be violated(this means you Squidley).

Love y'all, K-Dough

Demographics Roundup

A new poll this week says country-wide approval for the Tory government is up by 3 points. Unfortunately, a related study suggests that smart people are dying at an alarmingly faster rate than stupid people. The death rate for smart people is up by 200% since the beginnning of the current minority Harper government. But stupid people are living longer and somehow- despite their handicaps - are also breeding faster. In this country today, there are now 4 stupid people being born for every relatively smart baby. The birth rate for ugly babies is also up by 20%. Looking to the future. statistics suggest that by the year 2023, the population of people who can be considered stupid and ugly in Canada will constitute a whopping 87% of our population.

Another independent poll done last week found that 49% of Canadians preferred to watch The Royal Canadian Air Farce, over the Fifth Estate - a jump of almost 29 points since Harper won the last election. Certain sectors of retail sales are also up since the CPC win, including; beef and beef by-products (47%), shot gun racks for SVUs and children's dirt bikes (53%), Confederate flags used as window coverings for low-income pot heads (67%), Garth Brooks CDs (78%) and a line of aesthetically pleasing facial masks for stupid, ugly babies (24%).

*Editor's Note on semantics: The terms stupid and ugly are meant to refer to broad, qualitative categories of intelligence and aesthetic beauty. The author did not intend to maliciously insult any single stupid or ugly person or group. Stupid and/or ugly people deserve our respect, even if we don't talk to them or have sex with them. On the other hand, fudgepacker is a homophobic term, and was not used in this article once.

Ashley MacIsaac Returns

Ashley MacIsaac was man enough to return to K-Dough's Canada last night, and posted several fairly substantive answers in response to K-Dough's readers' questions on issues facing Canada. You can read his comments here: Ashley MacIsaac Visits K-Dough's Canada

Twain Engines Drive Nutcase

A guy from Ottawa was acquitted this week of drunk driving charges because he believes Shania Twain helps him drive. The guy also believes that female celebrities, in general, are controlling his life. Now, I ask you: What kind of a sick society do we live in when a guy expresses his belief that women are in charge of his fate, and everyone says he has mental problems?

C'mon! Just last night, Jessica Simpson made me masturbate! It's true. I was sitting there in front of my TV, minding my own freakin' business, when all of a sudden there's Jessica in an almost see-through, wet white bikini- smiling devilishly at me from the other side of the magic TV box window thing. I actually tripped over my spontaneously undone pants and smashed my head on the toilet as I raced to that beautiful shiny bottle of jack juice I had stashed in the bathroom.

And then, the other day, we had finished cleaning up after dinner and putting our daughter to bed after a long, hard day at work. I sat down and was about to read a magazine and my wife says to me "hey- you know it's garbage night, right?". Well, I don't need to tell you the rest.

So, don't give me this bullshit about being crazy - women control men's lives. This same loser killed a woman in a drunk driving accident years ago. I say they should strap one of those electric high voltage testicle toaster things on his scrotum that is activated every time he gets behind the wheel.

Fry his nuts, but don't tell me he is nuts.

Ashley MacIsaac Visits K-Dough's Canada

Yesterday, Canadian fiddler and self-proclaimed Liberal leadership hopeful Ashley MacIsaac dropped by K-Dough's Canada to spew some untenable claims about homophobia and 'defend' his political aspirations. MacIsaac was commenting on a satirical post I wrote about his claim that he will run for leader of the LPC. To confirm the identity of the commenter, I e-mailed MacIsaac's management company and confirmed that it was, indeed, the controversial fiddler.

In his commentary (here), MacIsaac was defensive and did not touch on any substantive political issue. He accused commenters on this blog of being homophobic and touted his own musical accomplishments as proof he had credentials to run for a political post. Ash, I agree that in a democracy anyone can and should get involved if they have important things to say and do for the country. But what exactly is it that you want to accomplish? If you snap like a fucking twig at the slightest foot step you are going nowhere fast in the world of politics dude. Not to mention, when you start accusing people who are gay rights supporters of being homophobic, you are alienating people who might just be able to help you in the future.

You said you wanted a venue to discuss your ideas, and "maybe some people on here may actually have some questions that they can...have answered". Well, here's your chance dude. We want to know where you stand on the issues and policy.

Gallery- fire away!

Out of Commission

If you are hanging around here today looking for fresh young copy to gulp down - like the sadistic e-sharks that you are - you are bound to be dissapointed. K-Dough is too sick to write today and his pounding brain can't come out and play. And no guilt trips please. K-Dough gives you his all - day in day out. Isn't it enough that he lifted his aching lead-filled digits to wearily sputter out this considerate message? Isn't it enough for you sick rabble that, in doing so, he was forced to stop every couple of words to sop up the nose drool that made the keys too slippery to type with? I love you all, but there is only so much of the Dough to go around. I've been rolling-pinned thin and must recouperate.

In the meantime, while you wait for the birth of new baby K-words, check out the latest comments on my posting about Ashley MacIsaack (here) from last week. Could this really be him? If anyone has evidence to the contrary please fill me in...

Sealed Package

Yesterday, I floated an idea for a brand new male-focussed eco-fashion product on another blog. Today, I am asking you, the loyal readership, for your input. Think of yourselves as an uncontrolled market research group.

With all the recent excitement surrounding the plainly distasteful slaughter of Canada's seals, I thought "how could we make this story a little more fun - a little more chic and bouncy? How could we convert this bad bloody press into a real trendy buzz? Well, I thought long and hard, and came up with a prospect that I think many of you will find extremely attractive, useful and daresay ... sexy.

Seal skin thongs. Yes kids, it's K-Dough's new Flipper Snappers (tm)- for the hunter in you!

Not buying it? Ok, think 'speedo meets the arctic' or 'lingerie goes to the circus'. Those poor whiskered, happy sea-friends of man will not have died in vain, if we can convert their misery into a stylish pair of man undies. You can cram all the man meat you want into these water-resistant, pliable tighties, and there is still room for a lot more fun!

Sooooooooooo, whaddya think?

Sober Saturday: Buying Chinese Votes

On the surface, the fact that Bev Oda and the federal
conservatives have promised to apologize to the Canadian Chinese community for a head tax levied upon Chinese entering Canada between 1885 and 1923 is noble. But in reality, the government is attempting to buy votes with moral capital on the back of historical wrongs. It's blatant election mode strategy to amass Chinese support across the country and to build blue inroads into immigrant communities in Ontario. It's no wonder Canadians are cynical about politics.

The historical context of the head tax is complex. It was an attempt to stave off a growing exclusionist contempt for Chinese at the time, that was fuelled by the fact that migrant Chinese labourers evaded taxes in the host society, occupied an enviable share of the labour market and maintained their own economic, commercial, cultural and even legal institutions, which was viewed as a reluctance to participate in the broader society's institutions. Although these insititutions remain, to this day, a testament to the strength and uniquity of the Chinese culture, they helped fuel cross-cultural tensions between the host society and Chinese migrants. The head tax eventually gave way to the exceedingly discriminatory and exclusionary Chinese Immigration Act of 1923, after anti-Chinese sentiment had finally filtered up to become official policy.

I have no problem with apologies. I do have a problem with politicians morally grandstanding on historical wrongs, and thus, further exploiting the Chinese in Canada. And make no mistake, exploitation is what this apology is all about, even though they plan to counter the negative by using an Asian Minister to trot it out.

Tim Bitten

For my liking, Tim Horton's has received far too much press this week on their evil plan to sell 29 million shares on the TSE. Why would I say that? Because I hate Tim Horton's and I don't care who knows it!

The grip that Tim's - a glorified donut shop - has on the good citizens of our nation is pervasive and dangerous. Near my work, I see them lined up in queues, waiting for their turn to scarf down a beefy ham-fist full of deep fried lard laced with icing sugar. I watch callously as they sweat and tremble in line like methadone junkies, craving the mocha-choka-loka-latte fix. I hear the typical fat-bottomed suburban commuter happily exclaim, "I gotta get my Tims. I gotta get my rims rolled up. "

Eventually, Tim will be the downfall of all that is good in this country. According to Warren Kinsella, Tim will enter politics one day soon. Only then we will see the true power Tim has been concealing for eons, since he was a malevolent evil spirit locked in a tomb in dusty Egypt. Now that he has been set free, they will all follow him and his dark empire in a mass exodus to the suburbs. Our cities will become eerie burnt-out ghost towns. Corporations and waist lines will fall. It won't be "cool" to jog anymore.

Tims is breakfast death, with its thick liquified sugar and heart-attacking food lumps. 24 hours a day, Tim is sending his little donut monsters out into the world to do his evil bidding without conscience. Because that's what the devil does.

K-Dough's Budget Day Wish List

So, it's Budget Day in Ontario. The air is ripe with anticipation like Christmas morning, and I've put together a little wish list that may have been whispered in the ear of a little bird that may know someone in a certain Finance Minister's office. Now, I'm not saying these details were actually leaked to me, but I have it on good word that there may be a few goodies in there for the K-Doughster. Remember, you heard it here first kids!

Initiatives expected to aid my flagging portfolio, and the ministerial budgets affected:

1. PST exemption on all 80s metal merchandise and music (Ministry of Culture)
2. Elimination of consolidated Mastercard and Credit Line deficit: $17,000 (Ministry of Finance)
3. $4,500 investment in new hot tub (Ministry of Health Promotion)
4. New pair of shoes (Ministry of Transportation)
5. One-time $300 investment to complete unfinished tattoo (Ministry of Public Infrastructure Renewal)

So stay tuned today. It may be a glorious day for the Dough family. Then again, the budget may have absolutely nothing to do with me. Ha...yeah right. As if.

Fiddlin' In Politics

Ashley MacIsaac has said he will run for the LPC leadership. And this time he says he's for real- no joke. MacIsaac realizes that a leader of a federal party has to be somewhat distingushed, so he has decided that golden showers with sex buddies are now strictly off limits. He also realizes that flashing his fleshy nut sack to the world may be considered by some Liberals to be unbecoming. Now, in relative terms, this is a serious political commitment for Ash.

It may sound crazy, but I can actually see him doing it. That is, unless he scores some killer weed, gets wailed and launches that nude underwater macrame/ live electric eel performace art fetish thing he has been planning to do for the past six years. Also, there was that trip to the Antarctic he's been meaning to take. You know, the one where he wanted to become the first Maritimer to fiddle Waltzing Matilda for 49 consecutive hours to a tribe of Emperor Penguins, while on 13 hits of Blue Star tab LSD.

Well, I guess the Liberals could ask for worse. At least we know he's got balls - we've all seen 'em! And balls have been a rare commodity in the Liberal party for some time now.

Habsolutely Riveting!

Forget about Emerson and Shapiro. Heave aside the Iraqi and Afghani wars for a bit. We have a different battle brewing right here within our borders this week. The glorious Montreal Canadiens and the has-been Toronto Maple Loafs are set to duel it out in a mini-series of sorts. And the games promise to be barn-burners, with both teams desperately needing points. Toronto will be blindly last-stabbing at the long shot possibility of making the playoffs; and Montreal will be attempting to hold on to the last slot in the Conference by a frayed, yet sinewy thread.

While my friends and I tend to verbally beat the shit out of each other over this rivalry, I have to say this: I love every painful minute of it. I love it so much that I am having about 15 of them over to my house this weekend to consume mass quantities of alcohol, sausage and pierogies in order to celebrate that love, and to mercilessly rub those runny blue and white noses in their own miserable tears after their team is decimated by les glorieux! Too bad ChuckerCanuck can't be here to celebrate- but he's in a better place now.

Habs and Leafs jerseys rubbing and tipping elbows.
Passive aggression. Comradery. Beer.
What could be more Canadian and sacred than these things?

Ju-nos? Ju-Care?

Some Canadian music industry people are pissed because Cold Play and the Black-Eyed Peas will be playing at this year's Junos. I guess that might matter if anyone other than some Canadian music industry people actually watched the Junos. Canadian artists typically figure large at the Grammy's, but you don't hear Americans grumbling about it -- which is a miracle considering they are, um, Americans.

But do the Junos really need more Canadiana? Isn't that like saying the Liberal leadership race needs to ratchet up the drool and snore factor; or Rita McNeil needs more exposure; or Rex Murphy needs to look a little more like a disturbed killer?

Apparently, some indie people think the Junos are all about ratings and not talent. Newflash to all you post-modern alt-indie black on black wearing vampires: That's why they call it pop
music. Listen, I despise award shows, Canadian and American Idol and pretty much all pop music, but business is business. God forbid Canadians should try to build a world-class talent hierarchy here and produce shows that mimic the corporate pop-glitz shite that originates south of the border. You don't have to like it, but millions of zombie teen-adults love Nickelback. Face it: People can't get enough shite.

Anyway, grumbling is what you get from the stomach of a country spoon-fed upon the bland public gruel that is a CBC diet.

Sober Sunday Edition: U.S. Out of Iraq

K-Dough's Sober Sunday Edition

This weekend marks the 3rd anniversary of the illegal U.S.-led invasion of Iraq. This unjustified, imperlialistic bloody war has killed countless Iraqi civilians and comparatively few Americans. The U.S. invasion has been a catalyst for civil chaos and killing that has set the country back light years in it's development. An entire generation of children are now growing up in fear, sadness and poverty amidst the death and destruction. Rage is breeding rage.

All this for what? Corporate greed. Childish, insipid bravado.

Fuck Bush and his regime. One can only hope the U.S. populous wakes the hell up before the next election, for the sake of young Americans dying overseas and - at the very least - for the sake of the innocent women and children of Iraq.

To all Americans who read this: Tell your elected representatives to get your boys and girls out of Iraq as soon as possible, for the sake of peace and humanity. This is not about Republicans vs. Democrats. This is about not blindly supporting a war that has no end or reason, and offering the world the best that America has to give - mercy and caring.

Toronto's Trash Carries Revolutionary Germs

Canadian garbage trucks hauling Toronto's trash into Michigan every day could pose a terrorist threat to the U.S., says a recently released Department of Homeland Security report. The report says that specially trained sewer rats from Toronto's leftist rodent underground could infiltrate Detroit's landfills and disseminate anti-government propaganda amongst American vermin. U.S. Homeland Security believes that if any of these socialist rats are able to make it onto mid-western or up-state farms and win the sympathy of pigs, the farm system could be destabilized, which could foment a barnyard animal revolution.

A source close to President Bush said "Mad cows? Whatever. I mean what the hell's a cow gonna do to you? But Communist rats threaten our way of life!".

The Canadian government countered U.S. claims with a study that says the very geographical juxtaposition of Canada to the United States could present a terrorist threat to Canada. Canadian officials denied there were plans to move the country out of North America in light of the potential threat.

Bullet Boats for Bush

The new thaw in bi-lateral relations between Ottawa and Washington is really starting to pay-off for George Bush, Stephen Harper and proponents of re-militarizing the Great Lakes. Thankfully, the longest undefended border in the world will now be protected by rapid-firing machine guns mounted on terrorist-seeking death boats, for the first time since just after we kicked some American ass in 1812. A treaty has prohibited the practice since 1817, but that treaty has now been "reinterpreted".

Finally, our relationship with the White House is back on track!

American children will now be able to sleep at night, knowing that for the first time in almost 200 years, armed-to-the-tits American commandos will be able to riddle floating Lake Trout carcasses with lead, and defend their beleaguered country against a variety of sea birds -- with 7.62-mm machine-guns capable of shooting 600 bullets per minute.

The U.S. says, in particular, seagulls have been identified as an anti-U.S. species, because of their fondness for French Fries, which are now a prohibited food in the U.S., due to France's refusal to join the illegal U.S.-led invasion of Iraq.

Harper's Secret Weapon

Not that this isn't already public knowledge, but I just want to profile a few points about this tough guy, Stephen Harper, who doesn't "cut and run". First, he loves the movie When Harry Met Sally. Secondly, he doesn't drink alcohol. Thirdly, he adores cats. Yeah, we have a name for guys like that in Canada: Emmanuel Sandhu.

Is this the right guy to be protecting us from evil terrorists?

Harper's Anti-Terrorist Policy: Ok now, use some decorum and put down that dirty bomb, would you? Oh, and please remove your plastic-explosive filled shoes when you enter Canada. This is a polite society, you know. We weren't raised in barns. Here, pet my kitty while I read you an excerpt from the romance novel I'm currently reading. Say, would you like some freshly-squeezed lemonade with that? Extra sugar! Hee hee. Now, doesn't that feel better? You don't really want to hurt anyone do you? Here- I'll fluff up a pillow, light some scented candles and you can tell me all about your father...

Sex: The Road to Ruin

Dear Readers:

I am really disappointed in you Blogospherians out there. Yesterday, when I floated the idea about Mitsou running for the Liberal leadership, I thought you intelligent, sensitive people would take the time to truly consider her qualities and strengths. The commentary quickly degenerated into a torrent of school yard sexual innuendo. I will admit that, I, too, was caught up in the waxing on how Mitsou's moist pouty lips and ample bosom might sex up our dehydrated and prudish parliament. But Mitsou doesn't deserve the objectification we forced upon her.

This Mitsou madness must end, I tell you, before it overtakes this blog's content completely.

So, I'll just say this: Mitsou, if you are out there, wearing a tiny, tiny, tiny see-through neligee, sucking gently on a fresh, ripe cherry as you playfully pull it from your mouth, slightly glistening with...no, stop me! For the love of dry pants everywhere, we must bring back Paul Martin. He made everything seem sexless, cold and unfunny, just like an episode of the Air Farce or a Photoshopped Celine Dion porn spread. We have to remove the steering wheel from this sex drive before it plunges us into the mucky ditch of un-Canadianess!!!

Mitsou for Leader!

Public Notice: I hereby nominate Mitsou, French-Canadian sex goddess, cultural guru and musical artist for the leadership of the Liberal Party of Canada. Not only is Mitsou completely bilingual, she is hot as hell. Hotter than over-microwaved poutine. Hotter than Kiss' classic song Hotter Than Hell. Mitsou is so hot, she could set ablaze the petrified wooden panties of that sexually-ambiguous sasquatch, Deborah Grey. Let the bland young Liberals and toothless party faithful debate Brison, Bob and Belinda. But without Mitsou, the party will never again reach across the lap of this country and gently brush it's inner thigh as if it didn't mean to, with a coquettish smile.

Can't you just hear Bye Bye Mon Cowboy blasting through a convention centre in the next election, as Mitsou sashays across the stage with a giant cardboard cut-out of that picture of Harper in a Stetson? This is forward thinking - something sadly missing from the current dialogue.

Mitsou, if you are out there right now reading this, sitting in front of the fuzzy pink computer in your chic boudoir, wearing nothing but a sheer, tight white tank top and tracing the edge of your coffee cup with a slightly-moistened index finger: You must contact me ASAP so we can begin to put your winning campaign in motion. Now that Martin is gone, there are some boobs to fill. We'll re-brand and turn that tired old Liberal Party into the fresh and sexy Ample Party it could be!

Laff-Gaff-istan

I think the media have missed a real chuckle nugget in the Mr. Harper Goes to Kanada-har story. Look, I hate to point out the obvious, but first he was going; then he wasn't going and now he is there. Do you think maybe some people in a certain PM's communications and security corps got a few crucial wires crossed - wires that could have fried Mr. Alberta's ass into posterior charcoal? Now, I realize new administrations have newbie staffers making huge decisions that they may not be ready for. But c'mon, this is a little Logic 101, n'est-ce pas? If the Harpies couldn't figure out it's bad to leak the fact that you are sending your leader to the most dangerous spot on earth, how will they handle other "top secret" tasks?

What a bunch of wide-eyed boy scouts!

Sorry, but I have to rate this fiasco a #1 on K-Dough's Rating Scheme: Idiot-ocratic.

The Young and the Leaderless

This has been bugging me for a long time, so I'm just going to come out and ask. Are Stephen Harper's eyes real? I don't think they are. They look like finely crafted dolls eyes or glass marbles. No wait. They look like the hollow blue glittering eyes of an emotionless Huskie or stalking wolf. The only time they move is when he moves his head. Watch closely next time he is on your magic television box device.

That brings me to my next question. Is Stephen Harper really Satan's pet wolf? I know it sounds a little crazy- maybe even delusionally paranoid. But do you think Stephen Harper was put here on earth -here, in Canada- to do Satan's bidding, as his winged wolf monkey? (ok, so he doesn't have wings- that we've seen) Another important question to ask yourself: Is Stephen Harper building a giant UFO at his secret compound in the Badlands of Alberta, that he will use to destroy the earth once his asexually-reproducing clone winged wolf monkeys multiply?

Look, I don't have all the answers. I'm just asking questions that good Liberals across the country should be asking right now, instead of blogging endlessly about Young Liberal drama, and which starry-eyed envelope stuffing politico-zombie loves which second-string rumoured leadership candidate. Christ, could you red kids put a little more colour in it?

Demonic Duo Deleted

Newsflash: That grotesquely simplistic Canadian Tire couple are toast! Gone-zo! Oh, how I've longed for this glorious day. A day when my TV would finally be exorcised of those disgusting poster people for sexual repression, materialism, and suburban consumerist mediocrity. Ted and his wife Gloria can now be banished to the fiery annals of advertising hell, where they will rot in flames with that mono-toothed hillbilly Rez Wood Stain guy and the rage-inciting Scottish beer pedant. Maybe now, we can, as a nation, achieve closure and get on with our lives that were so invasively disrupted by those smirking bastards.

Why did they smile so much? Because those do-dads and whatchamacallits had infected their souls like foul, malevolent spirits. We all have to pray and be vigilant, in hopes that those demons remain banned to the netherworlds from which they came and that our tender young will be spared the horrid agony we have all survived. We must rebuild, with our own tools.

Oh, Jann-ada!

Canada is once again honouring some very beautiful and/or very rich former Canadians (who now live in the U.S., are paid in American funds and pay American taxes) on our very own little sidewalk of fame in Toronto's theatre district. And once again, we are being Can-conned! The list includes stupor model, amateur porn star and battered chicken activist Pamela Anderson; dopey teen stoner B-movie actor Brendan Fraser; disturbingly Spock-like U.S. citizen Alex Trebek, who lives in Studio City, and owns a horse ranch in California; and creepy crooning moustached man Robert Goulet, who was born in Massachusetts and now lives in Las Vegas. The only thing arguably Canadian about these people is their genetic origin.

The lone real live Canadian person in the bunch is Calgary native and infinitely talented singer/songwriter Jann Arden- who by all reports STILL LIVES IN CANADA! Now, I'm not exactly a soft n' sweet, full-figured chick-angst music lover. I'm more of a - how you say - hardcore metal and punk rivet head. Notwithstanding, Jann is ay-o-fuckin'-kay in my books baby.

You go, you big beautiful real Canadian girl!

Cave Men Wielding Only Words

Public Conscience Announcement: Sign my comments section as proof that you want armchair warrior Ottawa Sun writer Earl "Rumsfeld" McRae to be plucked from his cozy life, shaved, suited up in khaki and sent into Afghanistan with a rifle in his hands and a target on his cro-magnon forehead as soon as possible. McRae uses the fallacious Republican old boys' club argument that supporting troops means not exercising one's democratic right to express opposition to their deployment. That right to express your opposition to policy is what democracy is based on. Only macho fools say peace is for cowards. Smart people run when there is gunfire, unlike people like Stephen Harper and McRae, who stand on the sidelines and call people cowards for valuing human life.

Canadweebs Dull Democracy

Today, we break from the normally scheduled K-Dough nonsense to bring you this: Our democracy is in crisis!
The Hill Times ran a story this week about how political parties are bankrupt of substance and new policy ideas, and are cultivating cynicism. This is what I've been saying online in different "political" blogs' comments sections for some time, yet no "political" fanatics or pundits will ever address it or participate in the debate. They are too obsessed with arguing over who's party is more popular, beautiful or morally correct. So sad, this ignorant navel gazing and reluctance for self-examination that is killing our country's democracy like a weed strangling a flower.

No Matter. I will continue to sound the alarm, in real life and online. The Canadweebs will continue to ignore me while they hyper-salivate over their precious leaders and candidates, like love-struck schoolgirls. The cultish little undergrad Canadweebs will continue to go to their Young-XXX meetings and stuff envelopes for stuffed shirt politicians, in hopes that they may pick up a political job for a few years after they graduate. Canada will continue to suffer and lose focus as a nation, because the rest of us have fallen asleep at the wheel.

Photo credit: The Brock Press

Ringo Joins Seal Circus

The last remaining Canadian Harper Seal could become extinct in the next 18 months, says goofy former Beatles drummer Ringo Starr. Never one to be outdone, Ringo recently joined the growing list of celebrities speaking out against the baby Harper Seal's imminent political demise. Starr, 66, plans to give up playing with his X-Box and eating hash brownies at his Scottish estate for a month. During that time, he will oversee the construction of a giant yellow submarine, in which he will sail to the shores of Ottawa dressed as a majorette, with a crew of Norweigian midgets who will double as a tiny marching band in an effort to help the doomed Harper Seal.

Other celebrity activists plan to join Starr's fight. Actor Sean Penn has already constructed a tin fishing boat, from which he will film himself using a long retractable stick device with a boxing glove on the end to punch any reporters who "try to get all up in Ringo's face". A publicist for stupor-model Pamela Anderson says Pammie was apalled when she learned (imagined) that Newfoundland Premier Danny Willliams deep-fries baby seal parts and dips them in koala gravy. Anderson says she will pose nude on a seal skin rug to protest what she claims is the commercial slaughter of milk-fed crated seals in "Japanada". U2 singer Bono has pledged to befriend the seal, then disown it, publicly ridicule it and then befriend it again to see if he can help the Harper Seal's polling results. But it may just be too late, says washed up recording artist and seal advocate Seal.

Arrest in Mexican Murders

Mexican Police have called off their search for a Canadian killer in the murder of a Canadian couple recently at a Cancun area resort. In a surprising turn of events, police have now charged an 8 year old mule named Pepe with the murders. Pepe's owner, Herve Ruiz-Montalban, says he was shocked by the revelation, adding "he ees not baiolent, 'ecep for he keek me seberal time one time". Police say Pepe is a long-time member of a local mule gang called Los Huevos del Fuego. Canadian officials say they will continue to cooperate with Mexican authorities, the mule, Condoleeza Rice, the NYFD and anyone else who asks for their help.

Recently, leads in the investigation went cold regarding the possibility that two jello tequila shooter-loving, 30ish Canadian beach cougars were somehow responsible. At that point, the Mexican police had re-focussed their suspicions on an 11 year old limbless, wheelchair-bound Swiss girl. That avenue also turned out to be fruitless, when little Frieda's family corroborated her claims that she had never left the Alps -- let alone been to Mexico -- since she was born, and that she had no arms or legs at the time of the murders.

Sikh Chic!

Recent news that the Supreme Court has ruled Sikhs can not be banned from wearing ceremonial daggers to school under Canada's Charter of Rights has sparked several copycat court challenges. In Halifax, a Christian youth group say they will now carry massive replica broad swords used to massacre heathen barbarians in the 11th century crusades, alongside their re-issued Jessica Simpson Dukes of Hazzard lunch pails.

In Edmonton, a group of 30-something overweight soccer Moms have decided they want the right to wear Madonna-style breast cones and lycra panties over fishnets while wielding 8 foot long leather whips at their children's games from now on. "Um, Madonna isn't like, just an awesome performer, author and parenting guru -- like, she is a goddess and I like, worship her", said Shirley Dykstra, as she as she snorted mocha-triple caramel latte froth through a flared nostril and fired a juice box into the back seat of her SUV at the head of her incredulous son.

And finally, in Windsor, Ontario, a group of public sanitation workers, who say they are descendants of United Empire Loyalists, plan to celebrate their culture by proudly slinging period muskets and powder horns over their coveralls on the backs of garbage trucks. Said one of the Anglophile trash haulers "the old fashioned guns are just in case any bastard Yankee rat who sneaks over the bridge from Detroit tries to make a fuckin' meal outta my finger again!".

Klein to Entertain Troops?

Yesterday, Stephen Harper denied rumours that he was going to Afghanistan, on the same day that George Bush popped up in the middle of the war torn country, like one of those little gopher heads trying to outwit kids with giant hammers. Harper, however, did use the occassion to announce that he is sending Ralph Klein as special envoy to Afghanistan in his stead. "To be frank, the guy is just a lot tougher and more fun than I am. Plus, he can really suck 'em back, and over there -- as in Alberta-- that's an essential skill." A Harper aide added the Prime Minister felt any man who can, in one day, violate the Canada Health Act and hurl a hefty book at a young defenseless girl in a fit of rage is the right man for such a mission.

Only in Canada you say? Pity.

Klein Turning Red?

Is it just me, or is Ralph Klein starting to look an awful lot like Red Skelton? No, no, no. Hold on. Is that Red Skelton or is that a well-known Liberal pundit? Aw, nevermind.

Either way, Klein is definitely turning bluer with his opening the doors (of the liquor cabinet) to private health care. But then again, these days red and blue have become such a purplish mix on such matters- don't ya think?