Top 10 Social Revolutionary Terrorist Threats

If they really wanted to hurt us and change the fabric of North America for the good of the world, don't you think they'd pay more attention to these iconic targets? Stupid terrorists.

1. Large-scale Playstation Two sabotage.
   
2. Hijacking Donald Trump's hair and flying it into the Hollywood sign.
   
3. Assasinating food empire overlords Ronald McDonald and the Burger King.
   
4. Oprah book list burnings.
5. Preventing Krispy Kreme from releasing its planned whole wheat donut.
6. Army of classically-trained Eastern bloc musicians armed takeover of American Idol set.
7. Lobotomize Britney, Lindsey, Paris and Olsen twins and program them to control teen girls everywhere with messages of their own worthlessness while draining their parents' bank accounts. Oops, wait. Task accomplished.
8. Abducting and brainwashing Barney the Dinosaur and Donny Osmond to become hateful, bloodthirsty beasts and harnessing their new evil purple powers for the cause.
   
9. Instil proper moral ideals by ousting Ellen DeGeneris in a Coup DeTit and installing a bearded, fatigued Castro lookalike lesbian in her place. No more cheezy fucking dancing for anyone!
10. Mass credit card theft, with the proceeds used to purchase SUVs, which are then packed full of designer clothes and overpriced running shoes and driven into bank machines in the middle of the night.
    

Top 10 Reasons the Leafs Suck

1. Montreal Canadiens
2. 40 Cupless Years - wait, that's 40 reasons.
3. Andrew Raycroft
4. Leafs 26th in league penalty kill
5. Out of playoff contention again
6. Montreal Canadiens 7th in conference: Leafs 10th.
   
7. Missing body parts: No heart, No guts, No Balls.
   
8. Montreal Canadiens 1st in league power play goals
   
9. 40 More Cupless Years
10. Montreal Canadiens

Jesus of Oshawa

A new documentary is asserting things about the life of Jesus that I have always suspected (READ). Bottom line is that J was basically a long haired dude with no job, who knocked up a hooker. Now if they could only prove that he smoked weed and listened to Zeppelin (we already know he loved Nazareth), my theory that his direct decendants are alive and well in Oshawa would be well-supported. Imagine what that would do to theological studies! Like, whoah, dude.

Top 10 Reasons For My Incoherency

...today.

1. I've got a baby's brain and an old man's heart. Took 18 years to get this far. Don't always know what I'm talkin' about. Feels like I'm living in the middle of doubt, cuz I'm 18. I get confused everyday. 18, I just don't what to say. 18, I gotta get away.
2. Shiny... object... hovering... swaying... gleaming... metallic... swaying ... sleepy... swaying... shinnnnnnny... sway... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
3. My head was invaded by Courtney Love's prescription-hazed spirit as I slept last night and I am too preoccupied with my tits and lips to....mmmmm. What was I saying?
4. I thought the label said Gin but that's because the En, e and Fluid parts had peeled off.
5. I try to listen to the voices of my colleagues. I really do. But I can't. Know why? Because my HAIR GROWS WAY TOO FUCKING LOUDLY!!! Oh yeah, I know what you're thinking. To you it's quiet, immobile stubble. To me it's GIANT IRON CHAINS BEING PULLED ACROSS THE DECK OF A DESTROYER!!! And the chains don't stop, They NEVER stop.
6. I have a penis.
7. The pigeon I wrestled to the ground and ate raw in the bushes this morning did not agree with me.
8. I'm trying a new thing where I think the thoughts and you guess them through the computer. So...
9. How many human clown heads would it take to fill a Volkswagen Bug?
10. Duh, I wuzz bowern withowt that smert jean.

Top 10 Things I'd Like to Sing

...to you girl.

1. I've got two pickles to paradise. Won't you pack your purse with dill and brine?
2. You're as cold as mice, you're willing to nibble, then crap on our love.
3. When I think about me I touch myself.
4. You're a heartbreaker, cake maker, couch raper doncha mess around with me.
5. You're like the wind, through my trees- oh wait, no leaves on this tree. Now wind just kinda tingles- especially after ummmm, pruning.
   
6. Girl you know it's true, ooh ooh ooh I love you (Well, I'm not singing it directly to you. First, I need to find me a skinny, braided, French black model man to stand in front of me - a Cyrano DeTupac as it were.)
7. The party's over- so get the fuck out. (more HERE )
8. Aishiteiru. Ne doshite- namida ga dechya irun daro.
   
9. I wish you'd shut up cuz I'm tryin' to sleep. (More HERE)
   
10. We had soy, we had buns, we had veggie burgers in the sun.
    

Ees Gonna Be A Messy One Lucy

Ralph Goodale said this in the house yesterday after Stephen Harper loosely suggested Mississauga-Brampton South MP Navdeep Bains' family member was involved in the Air India investigation: "The Prime Minister has just confirmed that to him partisan advantage is everything, the truth does not matter, it is the allegation that counts. Never mind what the facts are in the final analysis."

GWyaB came to his li'l buddy Harper's defense, "Look, we don't negotiate with the turbanists. What's he got in there any ways? What's he hiding? WMDs?".

Britney Sucks Off a Moose

The vag wasn't enough. The dangerous driving wasn't enough. The public disdain for the aesthetic smear of a carelessly displayed Caesarean scar wasn't enough. The Madonna faux-lesbo kiss wasn't enough. The divorce, rehabs and head shaving bullshit weren't enough.

Now what? A breakdown? Well, I guess fucking so.

This stuff happens to average people with no talent everyday. The trials and tribulations of the infinitely rich with no talent? Who the fuck cares. Get a life, world.

Top 10 Canadian Arse Lickers

Hey if Mary Walsh (nice boobs, eh?) can do it, so can K-Dough.

1. Peter Mackay
2. Belinda Stronach (tongues ass of all stripes)
3. Howie Mandel (ever see those Boston Pizza commercials?)
4. John Tory (and the ass depends on the position he's running for)
5. David Emerson
6. Garth Turner
7. Wajid Khan
8. Ben Mulroney (chin-in-ass disease)
9. Stephen Harper (but only if it's a really tight American sphincter)
10. K-Dough (ok, so sometimes I get over zealous and lose my way while venturing past the V Sector)

Note- Ok, so I just realized I cacked out on 4 smart ass possibilities. So I want YOU to write the bracketorial ass/bun pun for Mackay, Emerson, Turner and Khan.

Top 10 Indications I've Been Drinking Too Much

...lately.

1. My liver moved out, got its own apartment and isn't returning my calls. Fucking fair weather two-faced bastard organ!
2. Starting to find myself attracted to Celine Dionne and/or any chick with a head like a rat and the body of a coat rack in a sequined dress.
3. Woke up this morning with an aching neck wearing a giant black strap-on around my forehead and identations of nipples on my feet, with a baritone male voice singing gospel music from the shower.
4. yyyyou know wut? yerrr my beshht fuckkkkin friennnd in thuh hole fuckkkkkin werld you shhhtupid fukkkking sonama beetch...arrrrrrrrrrr!!!...(licks your forehead, musses up your hair and puts you in a headlock).
5. Parked the car in the living room last weekend- and neither the living room nor the car were mine.
6. Accepted invitation to go pheasant hunting with Dick Cheney.
7. Oh my God I woke up with a snake tatt... ok forget it... I can't even pretend to like that horrible goddamn song!
8. Puked in my boss' wife's purse while he was away in Arizona.
9. Ralph Klein's memoirs suddenly making sense to me.
10. My iPod only plays Dean Martin songs now.

Good Times

Thanks to everyone who attended the somewhat grown up fun fest last night. No animals were seriously harmed in the making of my hangover. After I left you party kids I ended up boozingit up again with a rock star friend back in the hood, complete with complimentary 1:30 am shots of JD from our fave local bartender. Ach... It was great meeting you guys and now - finally - I can put a face to the smart asses.

A couple of points:

• Apologies to Joanne, for the barrage of obscenities, crotch talk and infantile regaling of '80s road stories.
• I have to say I was relieved that no one slapped Forever Blue, and that he managed not to mention Mike Harris even once.
  
• Sheena and El Chaperone - her enigmatic driver: Can't wait for the photo spread! Re: The winelessness of our dining location: Thanks for sucking it up and sucking back the pints instead like a good slav Sheena! And thanks El Chaperone for being the Captain to Sheena's Tenille.
  
• Leather: You really lived up to your pants last night dude. Loved 'em and you!
• Homosuperior- I really wish you would stop staring at me like a love sick Japanese school girl with a lump in your skirt when we are in public like that. At first, I was flattered, but it's getting rather embarassing.
  

To those who stood us up: There will be an arduous penance to be performed before I will ever trust you with my delicate faith again. And be forewarned, that penance may or may not have something to do with a marathon session of sloppy, jaw-breaking oral sex...

So, whadyou think?

Top 10 Things I Love About Japan

Unless you speak Nihongo, this may take some googling to get. But hey, I'm asserting blogetic licence because...I just feel like it. Banzai!

1. Rotenburo: Steaming onsen in winter, in the mountains.
2. Shoyu ramen on a cold, rainy night, a warm yukata and a flask of atsukan.
3. Yukiguni no sekai (Kawabata Yasunari)
4. Sato Ryosho Sensei (shinimashita), Nihonmatsu Shito Ryu Karatedo
5. Dreams Come True and Yoshida Miwa
6. Enka and mizuwari!!!
7. It's fucked up, but I miss the smell of musty tatami during the rainy season.
8. Yamadera
9. Ukiyo-e
10. Sakura/O-Hanami
    

Top 10 Reasons I Should Be PM

One thing is for sure: I'd make that weak-livered pansy John A. look like a tea totaller. Vote K-Dough!

1. Canada-wide necktie ban in conjunction with amendment to the Charter of Rights and Freedoms stipulating the right of all workers- regardless of sex- to wear open-toed shoes and shorts to work.
2. Hefty tax rebates for hybrid vehicle and sex toy purchases.
3. Legalization of marijuana, polygamy, public nudity, public urination and public nuisance.
4. Would strong-arm CBC to fire Don Newman- replacing him with Mitsou Gelinas.
5. Phrase "Fuck you, you budgie-dicked mother fucker" woefully missing from current Question Period discourse.
6. Democratic reform: All difficult House of Commons debates will be settled shirtless in newly installed hot mud pit in the middle of the commons floor. My hope is that Belinda Stronach, Helena Guergis, Ruby Dhalla and Rona Ambrose will disagree often. My fear is that Garth Turner and Chuck Strahl will disagree often.
7. Increase arts subsidies to hardcore metal bands, CanCon porn sites and Suicide Girls Pillow Fight bouts.
8. New foreign policy framework called Fuck America.
9. Lower immigration barriers for blonde Scandinavian women and sign reciprocal citizenship agreement with the Turks and Caicos, where the government will set up National Nude Beach Volleyball Training Centre and Spa.
10. Free vote in the house on banning opposite sex marriage.

Top 10 80s Films

Simply my faves. No Breakfast Club. No Pretty in Pink. In fact, this list is 100% Molly Ringworm-free!!!

1. Videodrome (Deborah Harry, James Woods, Sonja Smits)
2. Dune (Kyle MacLachlan, Francesca Annis, Virginia Madsen, Sting)
3. Brain Storm (Christopher Walken, Louise Fletcher, Natalie Wood)
4. Brazil (Jonathan Pryce, Michael Palin, Robert DeNiro)
5. Salvador (James Woods, Jim Belushi)
6. Vampire's Kiss (Nicolas Cage, Maria Conchita Alonso, Jennifer Beals)
7. Barfly (Mickey Rourke, Faye Dunaway)
8. Homeboy (Mickey Rourke, Christopher Walken)
9. Less Than Zero (Robert Downey Jr., Jamie Gertz, Andrew McCarthy)
10. Blue Velvet (Kyle MacLachlan, Isabella Rossellini, Dennis Hopper)

Top 10 Signs God Doesn't Exist

1. American/Canadian Idol being allowed to democratize the music industry so that now, a brain-damaged, shaved kitten with fake human tits can achieve international fame for 17 seconds, while real artists die in cardboard boxes in filthy alleys in pools of their own urine every 17 seconds.
2. War, disease, pestilence, property taxes, urethra swabs: injustice in general.
3. 2 terms of the dim prince, GWB.
4. Centuries worth of mail pollute the unkempt lawn of the house he claims to live in. Plus, I checked with the electric company- no service to that location.
5. I have never had sex with Mitsou Gelinas.
6. Karla Homolka Gives Birth!
7. Phrase "Oh my God!" during sex recently replaced by "Over to the right. Ok, that's not the right I was talking about. Are you listening to me? Oh, never mind. I'll do it myself. You finish up and go watch the UFC. Huh? You are finished? I didn't even know it was in."
8. Someone posing as "GOD" messaged me on Myspace saying he would meet me at Lee's Palace on Friday night. I stayed forever, listening to one shitty fucking '80s rip-off band after another. All the kids thought I was some 30-something perverted loser. When I got home, my Myspace page was hacked and someone was sending out porn site bulletins from my profile! Fuckin' GOD!
9. Justin Timberlake - the archangel messiah- is moon-walking the earth and thriving amongst us.
10. To this day, XTC has never received a reply.

Top 10 Reasons I Had To Give Up Stripping

1. My hydraulic X-Wing penis mount got too close to my dancing partner's home-made gas powered light sabre dildo and the explosion set our animatronic Well-Hung Wookie ablaze.
   
2. The fetish-for-4-feet-tall-bald-squat-Eurasian-she-males-dressed-as-sumo-clowns market completely dried up after the whole Gomery thing happened.
3. My addiction to suppositories and resulting weak sphincter musculature was really starting to have a disastrous effect on my lap dance revenues.
4. Three words: Family Court Order.
5. Club owner ordered me to remove my hemmorhoidal piercing and I refused. Power to the ass grapes people!
6. I developed a growth on my left ass cheek that resembled Oprah, and none of my clientelle could ever stomach my patented Reverse Trapeze Sack Swing ever again.
7. I lost faith in the intregity of my vocation upon finding out that Demi Moore - my mentor - was dating That Idiot from That 70s Show.
8. I developed a severe case of stage fright, forcing me to wear a hockey helmet, oven mitts, goalie pads and steel-toed work boots (but nothing in the middle!) every time I performed for fear of incurring further head injuries from fainting.
9. I became a born again God-fearing Republican. Wait- no that was why I started. Never mind.
10. My Pink Ninja Turtle of the Night routine went to hell, when the head filed a union grievance and refused to continue popping out of the shell-like cod piece.

CFNY the Edge Airs Anti-Abortion Ads

So, last night, I was listening to CFNY FM 102.1 The Edge - a Toronto radio station- and in the middle of all the so-called "cool alternative kids music" I hear a 15 second anti-abortion ad spot from a group called Niagara Region Right To Life*. It went something like this:

When they say that abortion is a matter between a woman and her doctor, aren’t they forgetting someone? I did….abortion harms more than just the baby.

The Edge has always billed themselves as being the voice of cool- the hip, new, left-of-centre rad Indie supporting station with integrity. What this confirms to me is The Edge is nothing more than a blunt fuckin' grapefruit spoon.

To anyone out there in an advertising or marketing position with a company that advertises on the Edge: You should reconsider giving them your business. The Edge is not what you think it is. They are allowing people to broadcast messages that blatantly disrespect a woman's right to have control over her own body. Plain and simple. A woman's right to choose is inalienable- it's her body, not that of some right wing, religious zealot Niagara nutcase.

Boycott the Edge! Others have been successful at having the same ads pulled in Hamilton- check THIS out. Contact the Edge via their contacts page HERE and complain!

*Checked them out. They do not have a web site, but THESE nutters seem to be behind the campaign to get the ads back on the air in Hamilton. Stop them by contacting Y108 HERE and letting them know what you think!

Update: Both Y108 and the Edge are owned by Corus Entertainment. I'm sure they'd love to hear from you as well! Contact them HERE.

Top 10 Reasons I'm Going Straight To Hell

1. Masturbated in church. Well, not really in a church per se, but on Church Street in the public washroom at Tim Horton's. Every day for 6 years.
2. On a dare, tore the label off a mattress without buying it.
3. Got really drunk and puked on St. Peter's dress at a film festival schmooze thing at Holt Renfrew on Bloor Street, 2001.
4. When I was 16, thought it was really funny to get a giant 666 - The Number of the Cheek tattooed on my ass. God wasn't laughing.
5. 5 words: Official Manson Fan Club Member.
6. Don't wear underwear some times.
7. If you don't know by now, you are ridiculously naive and you haven't read this blog's archives or heard about my infamous sexploits. Which reminds me, would you like to get together for a drink some time?
8. Played ball hockey with Anton Lavey for a whole season, after which, we often went out for wings and beer together or to the Zanzibar.
9. Our wedding song was Ozzy's Mr. Crowley and instead of having a wedding cake we sacrificed a virgin pig, which we later ate raw in an orgastic trance, naked and covered in blood and chocolate pudding.
10. Sex, drugs and rock 'n roll baby!

Oshawa's Gift of Culture

Holy christ kids. For a while now, I've been telling you all about the cultural hell hole I grew up in- the Shwa. Yep- the Shwa- Canada's retarded version of Detroit. In case you needed further proof of my Kid Rock-like crude beginnnings, read THIS before going any further! ... Ok, now come back.

This is the best part: "It was a really dingy place. I've been trying to spruce it up," he (the pool hall owner) says, pointing to a new bar, fresh drywall and photos of recent wet T-shirt contests."

What did he say? Sprucing the place up by replacing those pictures of old wet T-shirt contests with pictures of recent wet T-shirt contests? Bwahahahaha!!!

But it gets better: (Now) he offers live music and DJs playing rock 'n' roll and he's even introduced oil wrestling to the entertainment lineup. "The place has gotten much, much better," he states proudly.

And the kicker to all this will be when somehow- even without welfare cheques and General Motors- Oshawa, like the cockroach of a city it is, will crawl back out of the sewers after Armagaeddon. Future visitors from other planets will discover the descendants of the regulars from that pool hall and think "Damn- we thought we had finally discovered intelligent life-forms!"

Many thanks to Otto van Karajanstein over at The Transcontinental for rubbing my nose in this pile of cultural offal.

Top 10 Reasons I'm Going to Boot You in the Nuts...

...the next time I see you.

1. Because I can't stand the way you constantly whistle. What the fuck? No one is that happy.
2. Because you voted for John Baird, you damned Ne-peon.
3. Because Jesus came to me as I slept last night, sprinkled magical heaven dust stuff on my open slobbering mouth, gave me a homoerotic massage and whispered very specific evil nut-attacking orders into my stupefied ear. Oh, and I am susceptible to such coercion because I am an undead Jesus zombie, whose skull was opened one night and whose brain was replaced with a nerf football and a cup full of Aunt Jemima syrup. Mmmm...
4. Because you stole my Eggo.
5. Because the night...belongs to lovers.
6. Because God was cruel and already removed the shaft. I'll really just be saving you from ironic redundancy.
7. Because my school science project mandates that I discover whether or not my foot can generate the velocity required to make your testes look exactly like bald, pink baby hamsters after the shoe box they live in is (accidentally) run over by a drunk Portuguese guy in a rusted-out Z-28.
8. Because...I can.
9. Because you plied my pet goat with a bucket of kahlua and milk, took him out to a stock car race (that he naively enjoyed by the way) and then casually date-raped him in the back of your station wagon on the way home as he puked. You sick fucker.
10. Because Kurt Cobain is dead and I can't take repressing my overwhelming grief any longer! You are just the unfortunate recipient of my act of healing. But thanks for helping.

Top 25 Canadian Rock Songs

Ok, off the top of my head, I just had to pull this one out of my ass because it was loitering on the tip of my tongue. It was sitting there in the background, glistening like a shiny golden fruit, ready to be plucked from the bendy jello-laden tree of creativity. No Can-Con bullshit in this list baby, just pure platinum pleasure that can never be bound by borders.

1. Spirit of Radio - Rush
2. Born to be Wild - Steppenwolf
3. Roller - April Wine
4. American Woman - Guess Who
5. Locked in the Trunk of A Car- Tragically Hip
6. Fat Lip - Sum 41
7. Money City Maniacs - Sloan
8. Hello Time Bomb - Matthew Good
9. Lay It On The Line - Triumph
10. Red - Treble Charger
11. Takin' Care of Business- Bachman-Turner Overdrive
12. The Weight- The Band
13. This Could Be Anywhere in the World - Alexisonfire
14. Snortin' Whiskey - Pat Travers
15. Rockin' In the Free World - Neil Young
16. Lager and Ale - Kim Mitchell
17. Is Anybody Home? - Our Lady Peace
18. No Justice - Harem Scarem
19. Summer of '69 - Bryan Adams
20. Let's Tango - Dalbello
21. Roxy Roller- Sweeney Todd
22. Highschool Confidential- Rough Trade
23. Black Velvet - Alannah Myles
24. I'm an Adult Now - Pursuit of Hapiness
25. Lunatic Fringe- Red Rider

Top 10 Canadian Slapstick Political Quotes

Politicians definitely spend a lot of time messaging us to death, blowing hot air out of their asses and attacking each other. But rarely do they say things that reach the soaring heights of stupidity, controversy or just plain political uncorrectness that the following attained. Enjoy.

1. Jean Chretien: (On the justification the U.S. used for invading Iraq) "No, a proof is a proof. What kind of a proof? It's a proof. A proof is a proof, and when you have a good proof, it's because it's proven."
2. Ralph Klein: (On Belinda Stronach's defection to the Liberals) "I wasn't surprised she crossed over. I don't think she ever had a Conservative bone in her body -- well, except for one."
3. Jean Chretien: "I don't know what is marijuana. Perhaps I will try it when it will no longer be criminal. I will have my money for my fine and a joint in the other hand."
4. Pierre Trudeau: "Some things I never learned to like. I didn't like to kiss babies, though I didn't mind kissing their mothers."
5. Jacques Parizeau: (On the separatist defeat in the '95 referendum) "C'est vrai, c'est vrai qu'on a été battus, au fond, par quoi? Par l'argent puis du vote ethnique, essentiellement." (Trans: It is true, it is true that we were beaten, but in the end, by what? By money and ethnic votes, essentially.)
6. Stephen Harper: "I don't know all the facts on Iraq, but I think we should work closely with the Americans."
7. Mel Lastman, former Tornoto Mayor: (Just before getting on a flight to Kenya to support Toronto's bid for the 2008 Olympic Games) "What the hell do I want to go to a place like Mombasa? ... I'm sort of scared about going there ... I just see myself in a pot of boiling water with all these natives dancing around me."
8. Ontario MPP, Bob Runciman: (On Belinda Stronach's defection to the Liberals) "She sort of defined herself as something of a dipstick, an attractive one, but still a dipstick, with what she's done here today. She is, at the end of the day, going to paint herself as something of a joke."
9. Peter MacKay: "Something else I've learned about Secretary Rice is she loves the cool Atlantic breezes here in Nova Scotia, and she left the window open last night."
10. Stockwell Day: "I am more convinced than ever that a lively two party system is essential to our democracy."

Honourable mention: Did he or didn't he? Mike Harris, former Ontario Premier: (Harris' own Attorney General Charles Harnick testified to this statement during the Ipperwash Inquiry looking into the shooting death of Dudley George by the provincial police): "I want the fuckin' Indians out of the park." To be fair, Harris denied saying it.

Top Ten Canadian Mullet Fostering Bands

Now if this isn't an obvious topic, I don't know what is. Growing up in Oshawa (aka the Shwa), the cultural crotch of Ontario at the time, I am over-qualified to write this list. And so, with a quick sign of the devil, a shot of JD and a pen knife to the gut of the goof who was lookin' at my old lady's tits, here it comes - raise a little hair y'all!:

1. Trooper
2. Kim Mitchell/Max Webster
3. April Wine
4. Chilliwack
5. Steppenwolf
6. Head Pins (Did Darby Mills sport the first giant Canadian female mullet?)
7. Brighton Rock
8. Loverboy
9. Triumph
10. Helix

Who Needed Playboy?

If I had've known about THIS as a pubescent boy, I would have grown my own and never left the house. In fact, my life probably would have turned out completely differently...