Are the Spanish Retarded?

The Spanish Olympic men's basketball team posed for an ADVERTISEMENT in which they all pulled their eyes up at the side into a slant before the Olympics and they seem to see nothing wrong with it. I'm sorry? In an article that erroneously says the Spanish basketball team is trying to diffuse the damage they've done by mocking the physical characteristics of Asians, one Spanish player said this, "If we thought that it was going to offend anybody we would not do it. But if you think this is offensive you're not thinking in the right way, because it's not even a joke. It's just because we are coming to Beijing, we have this kind of eyes." The coach, Aito Garcia Reneses, pulled his baby bed covers over his face and said "Everybody is talking about something that I cannot understand."

Might as well have said "I'm a retarded Spanish dude. What the fuck do I know?".

Iz all I'm sayin'.

10 Point Kwestion

Diamonds are for pussies with no creativity, who have to pay for sex.
Leather is forever.

Discuss. (5 boner points for thinking outside of the box)

Top 10 Social Revolutionary Terrorist Threats

If they really wanted to hurt us and change the fabric of North America for the good of the world, don't you think they'd pay more attention to these iconic targets? Stupid terrorists.

1. Large-scale Playstation Two sabotage.
   
2. Hijacking Donald Trump's hair and flying it into the Hollywood sign.
   
3. Assasinating food empire overlords Ronald McDonald and the Burger King.
   
4. Oprah book list burnings.
5. Preventing Krispy Kreme from releasing its planned whole wheat donut.
6. Army of classically-trained Eastern bloc musicians armed takeover of American Idol set.
7. Lobotomize Britney, Lindsey, Paris and Olsen twins and program them to control teen girls everywhere with messages of their own worthlessness while draining their parents' bank accounts. Oops, wait. Task accomplished.
8. Abducting and brainwashing Barney the Dinosaur and Donny Osmond to become hateful, bloodthirsty beasts and harnessing their new evil purple powers for the cause.
   
9. Instil proper moral ideals by ousting Ellen DeGeneris in a Coup DeTit and installing a bearded, fatigued Castro lookalike lesbian in her place. No more cheezy fucking dancing for anyone!
10. Mass credit card theft, with the proceeds used to purchase SUVs, which are then packed full of designer clothes and overpriced running shoes and driven into bank machines in the middle of the night.
    

Playstation Chaos Confirms Idiot Adult-Children Theory

Well, Western society has reaffirmed the meaning of its existence today. All over the continent idiots are clamouring to purchase new Playstations. Some idiot even shot someone at a Wal-Mart for one- no doubt with bullets purchased at said Wal-Mart

You know, you'd think God, being all powerful and smart and shit would capitalize on this opportunity to skim the crud of the top of the soup of humanity. I mean all those drooling idiots congregated in specific locations to me says: Easy target for revelations-scale retribution against man for his sins.

I dunno. Maybe it's just me...

Hyper-Caffeinated Gentrification

On a lighter note kids, today's lesson is about the corporate insanity currently occurring in my neighbourhood. While we have long suspected that our little corner of mid-town Toronto would eventually become gentrified, because our property values have skyrocketed in the past 5 years, we never imagined that the opening of a Starbucks last year would cause the landslide of coffee inSIPidness that we are now experiencing.

Starbucks opened it's little opiate den of fat-laden liquid shit just a while ago, across the street from an existing privately-owned coffee/bakery, called World Class Bakers (click HERE for a review). Within a year or so, Second Cup opened an outlet two doors down from World Class (see map above). At this point things were getting weird. While we have longed for better looking and managed businesses in the area since we moved there 8 years ago, this wasn't exactly what we had imagined. Our amenity list included such convenient walking distance attractions as great restaurants, dry cleaning, medical offices and liquor stores. Now, in addition to Pain Perdu- an awesome upscale French patisserie with cheap, great espresso - we had our choice of 3 java junkie dealers within a 3 second jaunt of each other. Crazy right? Wait- it gets crazier.

The other night, a restaurateur insider in the local BIA told me that a new Tim Horton's is moving in on the opposite corner from Second Cup. WTF? Now, that intersection is poised to become a toxic black tar mess of drooling hyper-caffeinated, 40 year old yoga mat toting hipster fucks. What is Tim's thinking? Seriously?

A few years ago, our neighbourhood gained continental notoriety for being the first urban hood to successfully win court challenges against the McDonald's empire, stopping them from putting in a drive-thru. For a while, McDonald's became the hated target for the venom of 30-something anti-corporate protesters, who ostensibly wanted to maintain the hood's integrity. But, now it seems, when it comes to overpriced caffeine products, and lard-laden ass-bloating treats posing as food, my increasingly shi shi neighbours are heaving their arms in the air and tearfully welcoming the advent of the coffee kings like the French being liberated by the Allies in '45. I mean c'mon people, these coffee cons are really just McDonald's for adults- aren't they?

My weekend message: Support your local, privately-owned businesses. Ma 'n Pa rules! Take the boots to the corporate coffee thieves that are stealing your souls - before it's too late!

Cheer Up Canada

A new "study" says Canada, if it were some monolithic, animated entity would be relatively unhappy compared to the other countries of the world. We scored 111th out of 178 countries on a feel-good scale. I, for one, have a problem with demographic studies like these. They look at key indicators in a very biased way. The way they structure the methodology simply prescribes the results. Why couldn't they construct a more realistic paradigm within which to rank countries? For instance, I'm sure we would be leaders in being miserable. We could blow the competition out of the water when it comes to mindless consumerism. Surely, we'd rank at the top of any selfish and ignorant scale.

The study said we would be a lot happier if we didn't leave such a giant ecological foot print. Why can't we just look on the bright side for a change? You know what they say about those with big feet, right? Christ, can't we just cheer up? What a bunch of pessimistic, cynical fucking assholes we've become. And why do we always have to swear so much?

Look, I can't type anymore! I feel the urgent need to go punch someone from a happy country in the neck. Anyone know where I can find a radiantly-smiling Vanuatuan?