Monday, May 29, 2006

Public Service Announcement

What better way to celebrate my 20,000th hit today than by telling y'all I will be on an intermittent blogging hiatus over the next while. I will be working on an exciting, yet all-consuming on-line project that I will let you in on in the very near future.

Let me just say this though: It's so cool it makes my binkie twitch! Stay tuned- I'll let y'all know about it near the end of the week.

Until then: I love you like the sexy pets that you are. Carry on my wayward sons and daughters...

"Public" Transit?

TTC workers are once again holding the entire City of Toronto hostage. Nice. Now this is the reason I savour riding my bike to and from work almost every day. My solution for avoiding situations like this in the future? Crush the union and their whining, unorganized executive by declaring public transit an essential service. Now I know you sickle-hugging lefty espresso-sippers will be cringing behind your copy of Hegel's Phenomonology of Spirit at the thought, but how else do we protect this city from chaos and shut down?

You tell me, you big pink bunch of smarty pantses...

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Friday, May 26, 2006

Gunfire at US Capitol Complex?

I take it that good ole boy Cheney is drunk again? Happy F-Day!

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Red Scare!

You know what? We are marginalizing ourselves as bloggers. Pretty soon, no one will listen to us - the Liberal-biased blogging community- because we don't know what the hell we are talking about. And it's all because, clearly, we are blinded by the red. We are all unknowingly controlled by a sub-conscious slave-like devotion to the Liberal Party.

I mean look at me- I'm pathetic. Even though I have never purchased a Liberal Party membership, my blood is red. Even though I have an autographed picture of Mike Harris on my home office wall, I secretly own a red Montreal Canadiens golf shirt. Even though I consider myself non-partisan and an equal opportunity insulter, I love the song Red by Treble Charger!

I am appealing to all of you bloggers out there in Blogonia, regardless of your political stripe, to stop this madness now! You may think you are a neo-con. You may think you are a green or orange supporter. But you are not. You are infected with the Liberal virus. It's pervasive, there is no known cure and it, like, fucks with your mind man.

Well, maybe a sexy, drunken night at an Alberta road house with Rona would ( wood?) help, but that ain't happening any time soon- is it now? It makes me turn red just thinking about it. There! I did it again! Help me!!!

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Thursday, May 25, 2006

Lewis Deserves Nobel Prize

Has anyone seen this online petition to have Stephen Lewis nominated for the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize? I think it's a fab idea. He has long been a remarkable Canadian and I, for one, think he deserves to be recognized in a big way for his efforts in Africa.

Go sign it if you agree!

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Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Communication Breakdown

Reading the story last night about reporters walking out of a PM's press conference yesterday, made me laugh so hard I threw up in my mouth a little. What are these guys thinking? They are conducting their communications policy like a covert CIA operation. Who holds a presser, with the expectation that the media are going to help them get their good news message out to the plebes, and then refuses to interact with reporters? Once again, they definitely got a message out, but I'm positive it wasn't they one they wanted communicated: I.e. we are pompous, secretive and not accountable to the public.

Keep that slap-stick chest beating bravado up with the media you idiot, greasy-nosed freshmen. That'll be a great message to plaster all over the dailies in the lead up to the next election. The media never forget and if they do, there are people paid to remind them.

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Tuesday, May 23, 2006

New Look- Same Stripes

Ok, ok, ok. So you CPC supporters got all pissed at me yesterday for targetting neo-cons. Well, I'm offering you a new reason to put up with my ignorant tirades. I've changed my colours. Maybe this new look will change your minds? Look, I'm a politi-slut and I don't care who knows it! Afterall, I just finished reading Belinda's book How to Make Friends, Reduce Them To Tears and Influence Your Own Fortunes.

And for the record CC, I did not call the Pope a neo-con. Although, I'm sure he believes all wives should be chained to stoves, squeezing out god-fearing sheep-babies and obeying their masters (of course, that is only for the lucky ones: If you work for the church, it's exclusively a guilt-plagued same sex diet for you!).

But seriously, I just want to say I don't think all CPC supporters are hateful Christian fundamentalist Bushophiles. Neither do I believe all Liberals are lying, cheating, fraudulent power-mongers. I don't believe all NDPers are gay, tofu-gorfing stoned dreamers either. And I certainly don't hate anyone who doesn't hurt others purposely.

Now, can't we all just kiss, make up (or out) and cross the floor?

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Monday, May 22, 2006

Neo-Content News Round-Up

What a glorious long weekend for those of the more insane right wing persuasion. On the heels of the Pope blessing the frozen pants of the nation, there is news of an Alberta MP's Private Members Bill that tries to advance the rights of the animate, thinking fetus argument. Next thing you know, those nutty pro-lifers will be suggesting we tax fetuses, since they are, in theory, old enough to vote- and as informed as the average voter at that.

The next juicy item for you salivating neo-cons was news that 50 "suspected" Taliban insurgents were slaughtered in a southern Afghan village. No body count on charred babies and women yet, but I suspect we won't be seeing those numbers for some time.

Blood, death, sexual schitzophrenia and mean-spirited politicization of female reproductive's pure poetry. Breath easy and sleep well fuckers, cuz everything is right in dreamy, repressed 1950's polite-on-the-surface, monstrous-under-the-thin-facade right wing Canada.

And today, shake hands with your children in a stern, business-like fashion, give 'em an extra soda pop and thank god Alberta, or any other province, isn't teeming with muslims or feminist uteruses- or whatever it is that scares you into further intolerance.

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Saturday, May 20, 2006

More Sex Says Pope

The Pope recently criticized Canada for being too secular, which according to the infinite wisdom of the Catholic cult, errrr, church, is the reason we have a low birth rate. Duh, maybe it has something to do with the fact that the socio-economic reasons behind having numerous children went out with burning witches and the bubonic plague?

Seriously though. What relevance does the Catholic church hold these days in developed nations? Faith is a wonderful thing. Everyone needs it. If you don't have it you should really spend some time divining it. But who, in their right minds, listens to a bunch of frocked antiquarians sermon about morals and global population growth? Is that what we need right now? More humans on this earth? Especially in a country consumed by consumption, that leaves an environmental footprint the comparative size of Sasquatch feet?

Look I've got nothing much against you good Pope, but keep your pagan old world superstitions to yourself. Wake the fuck up dude.

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Feed Blitz

Ahhh technology. If you missed this in the last post, check it out:

I'm trying out a new subscription service. It's called Feed Blitz and it's an easy two step registration process. If you want e-mail updates when new posts appear here subscribe and let me know how it works! The button is just down on the right side of this page under the "subscribe to my feed" box.

For other bloggers: If you haven't checked this out you really should. It's a great opt-in tool!

Happy S-Day sexy humans, K

Friday, May 19, 2006

Friday Quickie: Iggy Swallowed

Ignatieff really did it this time. Following the Afghanistan vote, Harper slithered up to him like a snake hunting an injured rat and choked him down with a peristaltic handshake. Now, Iggy is nothing more than Mel Lastman, with sweaty Hells Angels palms. Poor little quivering rodent. He didn't see it coming until it was too late. Now, does that fit the epistemological parameters of your meta-methodological construct of torture Iggy?

BTW: I'm trying out a new subscription service. It's called Feed Blitz and it's an easy two step registration process. If you want e-mail updates when new posts appear here subscribe and let me know how it works! The button is just down on the right side of this page under the "subscribe to my feed" box.

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Thursday, May 18, 2006

Poll: Liberals Vote on Afghanistan

A K-Dough Poll: Do you think it was politically intelligent for a few prominent Liberal leadership candidates to vote to extend the Afghanistan mission? I mean it was a free vote and all, but holy fucking duhhhhhhhh!!! I hate to say it, because I love the fact that he is an intellectual, but if I was voting at the convention in the fall, Ignatieff would be searching for my X up his ass.

I'm starting to believe there is no room for higher thinking (read: academia) in politics, because in the interest of seeming objective it appears to short-circuit common sense.

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Music Bloggers

I am calling on all citizens of Blogonia to help me out. I am working on a project and need anyone to point me in the direction of the big pop and rock music review blogs. I am also in the dark about music blogrolls and/or aggregators out there. Help? Whatever I said to you, one of your friends, family members, clergy, community members, political leaders, favourite stars or pets in the past, I take it all back. You clearly are a beautiful, well-schooled, intelligent and KIND person. I am pitiful, worthless, decrepit and horribly ugly in comparison. Take pity - won't you kind peoples?

If you have any leads for me, please post them in my comments section, A-fuckin-SAP.

Love, K-Dough


Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Distinct Society

Yesterday, a loyal and dedicated reader posted a comment on this blog saying "fuck Toronto". While I completely realize the gentlemanly commenter was tongue-in-cheekin' it, it sparked something in me. The first stream of conscious bolt was "oh yeah- well fuck the rest of Canada!". In fact, I thought further to myself, "with all this whining bullshit we are putting up with from the feds and other provinces about equalization, we should really start an equally selfish, Ontario-centric fuck the rest of Canada movement".

What would it be like to live in a separate Ontario? Well, for starters, we wouldn't even be able to count the cash. Of course, there would be numerous pleasurable distractions from having to count our gazillions. In our socially progressive Eden (non-denominational), we would spend our days exploiting our poorer neighbours, like Quebec and Manitoba, by making electronic investment and trade transactions from the comfort of a fully licenced whore house, smoking the darkest, most richly pungent hash from government-made bongs and munching on ethnic delicacies from around the world.

Everyone would be naked, stoned, healthy, fit and well-fed in an independent Ontario. Marriages and traditional ideas of sexuality would melt into a huge garden of omni-sexual delights. Our cities would glitter and our ecosystems would thrive. With all the extra cash we'd save from life-supporting most other Canadian provinces, our health care, social welfare and taxation systems would be the absolute finest in the world. Our country would even dominate the Tony Awards- year after year. Although, we would repatriate the Montreal Canadiens from those US bastards, rename them the Ontario Dandies and banish the Toronto Maple Leafs forever, as a symbol of our denunciation of Canadian iconography.

Ah, the fun we would have. And as provinces withered and decayed around us, we would laugh so hard we'd fart. Over and over again.

You know I'm not serious right? It sounds exceptionally preposterous that Ontario would ever be anything but a benevolent supporter of federalism and a philanthropic giver. We don't complain right? Well, can you imagine how we feel everytime Albertans, Quebeckers or whoever talks about how they are gettting such a raw deal in the fair dominion? Get a grip fuckers.

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Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Troops As Pawns

The federal Conservatives' strangely-timed proposal to extend our presence in Afghanistan, when the current mission does not expire until next year, is an attempt to bolster their tough guy image and solidify support from their hawkish constituency. It is cynical, self-serving and just more evidence that they don't give a shit less about soldiers dying, the costs incurred to the country or the dissemination of democratic principles around the world. They care about their own shallow, thread-clinging hold on political power- just like George Bush and his retarded band of withered old men with tiny penises (and that includes Condoleeza Rice).

At the same time, we hear about more environmental programs being cut. I guess the secret plan is to kill soldiers quickly and the rest of us real slow-like. Just my opinion of course.

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Monday, May 15, 2006

He's a New World Man

A few comments on my last post touched off a spark of urban versus suburban animosity. Having spent most of my Mothers Day weekend among the mass-fabbed row by rows of uniform mediocrity, I have a few observations.

I, myself, am a self-admitted urban elite snob. I adore the fact that I can step out my front door and instantly be connected with diverse food, culture, transit, community spirit, recreation and arts. I love that I can stroll along the bustling avenue and be greeted by store owners and restaurateurs who know me by name. Conversely, I love being able to disappear into a crowd of commuters or melt in to a shuffle of downtown hoods with my tunes blasting and a good book.

I grew up in the burbs. They were lifeless, dull, dreary and devoid of culture. The only way to kill my need for more was to get drunk and stoned, fuck and fight. It was not such a bad existence for some, but it was not nearly enough for me.

Now, things have changed: I have a daughter. Although I want her to experience all that this great city has to offer, sometimes I think about the physical size of our grossly over-valued century home and am tempted by the fact that the suburbs offer much, much more more for way less. But in the end, I always come back to the cultural allure. Do I want my daughter to grow up thinking the big box mall is the centre of her cultural life? No. Do I want her to be forced to drive the family's third car at 16 to her ethnically homogenous high school everyday? Nope. Do I want her to think that East Side Mario's is the epitome of ethnic cuisine? Un uh.

I know that we all think our own little weltanschaung is the correct view of the world. But in a country that boasts to be multi-ethnic, I can think of no better place to be than in the centre of a vibrant concrete jungle that hosts such a wonderfully diverse human eco-system.

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Friday, May 12, 2006

What Canada Needs

More of this. Ontario's Health Minister George Smitherman is a model for public service. The guy is real. No bullshit. Smitherman is Ontario's first openly gay cabinet minister and has nuts the size of grapefruits. Even before his cabinet appointment, he was the only MPP in Ontario to publicly celebrate his sexual orientation- when other gay MPPs were too chicken shit to come out - even though the rainbow party people on Church Street all knew who they were (spineless mice).

Public figures admitting to drug abuse is a model for others in similar situations. Smitherman made something of himself, when he could have fallen further in to the dark wheel of pain and misery that is addiction. He could have crashed and burned, like anyone behind the wheel of an out of control life, but he made hard choices and turned things around.

Those who bible thump and preach morality don't have a modicum of the energy, conviction and strength that men like Georgie Boy do. He should be commended for his openness and authenticity in a sea of fake, stuffed shirts and people who think they possess a monopoly on morality.

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Thursday, May 11, 2006

Answers to Burning Questions

In response to numerous recent questions from fans, I've composed the following answers about the likes and dislikes of the real K-Dough:

No, I don't like Pina Coladas or getting caught in the rain. I agree that we are here for a good time, not a long time and that we should have a good time because the sun can't shine every day.

My love is larger than life. I will always love you. When I think about you, yes, I do I touch myself. I want to fuck you like an animal, regardless of the fact that you want to love me tender. I never say "oops", because I never cry. I'm easy like a Sunday morning, except when there's a hole in my bucket, dear Liza.

My address is 665- I'm the neighbour of the beast. I wear a black coat, white shoes, black hat and drive a pink cadillac for chrissakes. I like a man with a slow touch...wait, just joking. Take me down slow and easy, you hobo humpin' slobo babe!

In closing, I'd just like to say although I bet you'd look good on the dance floor, you should still bang your head, cuz metal health will drive you mad and then you'll end up slammin' in the back of my Dragula.

The party's over, so get the fuck out.

P.S. I love you.

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Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Puffing Out the War Chest

I really can't believe the bad taste these Tories are displaying by dropping in on the war in Afghanistan- unnanounced. It's downright rude. Poor Afghanis have no time to clean up, let alone pile the corpses in the closet and under the bed. The latest bonehead to show up is Peter Mackay. Sending that thin-lipped pasty white altar boy into a war is like sending Beaver Clever into a biker club on a Saturday Night dressed in an assless Big Bird suit. He couldn't even handle Hurricane Belinda: But a rocket-propelled Talibashing? No problem for Mr. Crawl Back in Tears to My Parents' Farm-boy.

So what next? Oh, I know. Next week, Stockwell Day will be jet skiing across the Arabian Sea, in an armoured Speedo, while frantic underpaid CBC camera men chase him in a rusty Chinook. He'd be sure to have his Crest white strips on the night before that one.

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Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Tory Legal Philosophy

Supreme Court of Canada Chief Justice Beverley McLachlin, in a very strange turn of events, publicly chastised Conservative MP Maurice Vellacott for saying something like duhhh, them judges act like they know everything. It was as if the drooling, snotty-nosed, gum eating boy was paddled by the stern head mistress.

Let's pause and just reflect here for a second on what the geist of the comments were of this window-licking, Stetson-fucking, single-celled idiot: Duhhh, that CHIEF JUSTICE of the SUPREME COURT OF CANADA thinks she knows everything. Like, ya, ok, what-ev-er. She's stupid.

Um, aren't judges supposed to act like they know everything? Isn't that appearance the foundation of our sense of trust and confidence in our legal system? Doesn't the Supreme Court offer the last bastion in our country against fascism? This jackass' comments reminds us of that shrewd, erudite Conservative campaign argument "them judges is hijacking our law system. When is they gonna stop trying to make up laws and stuff. Why can't it just be the way we want it"?

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Sunday, May 07, 2006

Blog Star Groupies

I don't quite know how to say this without being blunt, so I'm just going to come straight out with it: I think you are falling in love with me. At first I was naive, I was missing the signs. You sent more than a few e-mails to my protective psycho barrier hotmail account. You just wanted to say "keep on blogging" or "I thought I'd comment in a personal e-mail, rather than out there in that sordid, voyeuristic comments section".

After a while, I began to clue in though. My stat counter hits went through the roof. I thought to myself "wow, people are really digging my blog". Then it dawned on me: I hadn't posted in days yet my numbers were still way up, and the site was getting hit all night as well- while my family and I innocently slept, unaware! That is when I realized I was being blog stalked - or more precisely, blalgked.

Look, I like you. We've had some laughs. But that's where I draw the line. It can't never be more than that. Plus, you are just not my type. I'm sophisticated, affluent, well-liked and hung, built like a hockey-playing competitive swimmer and have an IQ of 173. You are, well, just you. You're worthless and weak. You do nothing. You are nothing. You sit in your bedroom all day playing that sick, repulsive, electric twanger!! I carried an M-16, and you- you carry that, that, that wireless laptop! Who are you? Where do you come from? Are you listening to me?

What do you wanna do with your life?!?!?!

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Friday, May 05, 2006

A Tory is A Tory is A...

Today's entry kids is an absurd bit of Ontario-centric humour imitating life. This is what Stephen Harper said yesterday about John Tory, leader of the opposition in Ontario: "Ontario needs John Tory. Because a strong Canada needs a strong Ontario and because John Tory is a nation builder."
John Tory.
A nation builder.
In Ontario.
In his impotent role as leader of the opposition.
Former cable guy, now nation builder.
I'm not making this up.

By the way, Harper completely avoided the media after his short, impromptu meeting with Premier Dalton McGuinty yesterday. A meeting which only took place because Harper was coming to speak at a Tory fundraiser. His first meeting with the 2nd most powerful man in Canada, since being elected. Nice PR work Harpo. That's the way to raise your profile in Ontario- give us the cold shoulder. He will be his own undoing.

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Thursday, May 04, 2006

Sober Thursday: Blue Christmas

Sorry to harper on this subject kids, but tax credits are no substitute for dedicated funding with strings attached. There is a much more sinister cryptic message stowing away in Flaherty's budget about the direction of this neo-con minority. It reads we want no part in responsibly governing provinces. We want no part in doling out to provinces. And most importanly, it says only those who pay - and especially those who pay the most- deserve our assistance. In the blue-tinted vision of Flaherty and his provincial boyfriends, John Baird and Two-Tier Tony Clement, only taxpayers are human. Everyone else is just a blood sucker on the soft, white underbelly of the giant shark of consumerism, whose eyes roll back in ecstasy with every X-Box purchase. In fact, in the twisted caverns of neo-con thought, somehow consumer purchasing power seems to be equivocated with the concept of economy itself.

Bill Graham was right yesterday when he stood in the house and said roughly what you are witnessing is the first neo-conservative budget in Canada's history. Make no mistake. This is not some new, progressive CPC at work. These are the same "tax cut create jobs" zombies that decimated Ontario's social policy and fiscal health. They are the ugly three Mr. Sisters of the Apocalypse of Caring.

Get ready for cooked books, hidden deficits and cheap $100 cheque mail-outs to whore a week of good polling numbers. Get ready for cuts that cut lose the wounded, drifting vulnerable in our society, like shark bait. Aboriginals were just an easy first target. Next thing you know, the health and social transfer will be axed in favour of sudsidizing the sick and lame with
50% off Your Next iPod Purchase vouchers.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Get it on Credit!!!

Thank god for Jim Flaherty. In his budget yesterday, he once again defended the impoverished and opressed middle class and the affluent in Canada. Flaherty, as he did before in Ontario, saved our country from the impending armed revolt of taxpayers who want more money in their pockets- and not just chump change like the stuff the poor use to buy junk food with.

I mean seriously folks: How the hell are Canadians supposed to keep up $6,000 a month mortgage payments? How are our kids supposed to buy gas for our 16 friends' jet skis in Muskoka this summer? How are us soft-bodied, smooth-skinned Canucks supposed to keep up with skyrocketing condo fees at our manses on the Mexican Riviera?

And it gets worse. Did you know that if you can't afford to pay a pool maintenance company, you can actually get sick from swimming in brackish kidney pool water? There is now a non-refundable tax credit for that. Without the pedicure expertise of Mannie, the Phillipina house girl, in-grown toenails can fester and force ladies of the house to spend months away from their children at Swiss spas. Tax credit. I, for one, am tired of seeing Porches tarnished by ugly key marks on their doors, because their owners are working too hard to be able to take time to visit the dealership. Tax credit.

Those Liberals really fucked up our finances: Billions in surplusses every year. Bills paid. It was really disgusting. Our country needs to live like every other MasterVisa platinum card carrier- in debt and awash in luxury consumer goods! That is the new post-9-11 reality. Thank you Jimbo, for pushing our rich, dimpled asses back on to the gravy train, and the savings-hungry poor off the caboose.

I think what this budget says most of all to Canadians is "vote for me next spring. Pretty please?"

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Action on the Ticker Front

So, last week, some brilliant e-satirist hacked into a bunch of electronic ticker machines on a Go Train (Toronto's suburban commuter rail service). For three days in a row, commuters were treated to the warning "Stephen Harper Eats Babies". Officially, I have a new hero.

Here I am, comfortably lazing in front of my cushy computer, sipping espresso, nibbling a fresh succulent eclair and casually opining about the political state of the country, like a powdered French lord in the provinces. Sure, I, myself, have tried to warn people of Harper's evil qualities (here and here). But this guy is a real, live comedy comando. Out there in the trenches doing the dirty work. A political street warrior. What's next? The giant screens at Dundas Square? The Jumbo-Tron at Skydome? Ooh, I'm getting delightful sexually-ambiguously shivers in my tights!

The authorities still don't still know his identity because he is just that smart. Well, I say: Wherever you are dude- keep the revolution alive with your ingenious little electronic wireless device programmer doo-dad thingey. Don't let the transit rent-a-cop bastards win!!!

Boo blue!