Top 10 Canadian Arse Lickers

Hey if Mary Walsh (nice boobs, eh?) can do it, so can K-Dough.

1. Peter Mackay
2. Belinda Stronach (tongues ass of all stripes)
3. Howie Mandel (ever see those Boston Pizza commercials?)
4. John Tory (and the ass depends on the position he's running for)
5. David Emerson
6. Garth Turner
7. Wajid Khan
8. Ben Mulroney (chin-in-ass disease)
9. Stephen Harper (but only if it's a really tight American sphincter)
10. K-Dough (ok, so sometimes I get over zealous and lose my way while venturing past the V Sector)

Note- Ok, so I just realized I cacked out on 4 smart ass possibilities. So I want YOU to write the bracketorial ass/bun pun for Mackay, Emerson, Turner and Khan.

In Defense of Kinsella

This week a few knee-jerks are calling Warren Kinsella a mysogynist sexist pig. Why? for writing this simple sentence, prefacing a top ten blogger list:
Oh, and memo to Canada: WE NEED MORE SMART FEMALE BLOGGERS NOW!
(Click HERE to read the post- click on "Top Ten", then "Bloggers")

So what? Maybe he thinks most of the female political bloggers he's read suck - and not in the good way. Whatever he thinks - because it was an off-the-cuff comment, not a hateful treatise- it's his opinion. I happen to think most political bloggers in general suck the hind teat. Does that make me anti-free speech?

You detractors should really get lives. If Kinsella took a dump and it looked like Bin Laden, jealous bloggers would be calling him a terrorist. Get a grip monkey people. This lobbing your own shit at the bars of your cages is getting reallllllly old.

The guy is well-known for whatever reason. Get over it.

It's Not Easy Being Green

Our federal parties are fumbling frenetically with environmental policy like boner-sportin' 15 year olds in the dark with bra straps; and the boobs in the bra represent plump, silky votes in the upcoming election. Ever since a few weeks ago, when the national media somehow decided environmental issues were at the top of every lobotomized trans-fat gorfing, video game coveting Canadian's concerns list, we've seen at least 99 green balloons floated up into the smog-buttered skies of federal policy.

Let's just sit back and enjoy the absurdly-spun bullshit we'll be hearing from all parties over the next couple of months. I can see the future headlines now:

Harper says Green Economy Not Enough: Need Green Money
Dion says Green Money Comments Sign of Increasing Americanization
Layton/Lesbian Autoworker Association Launch Green Coveralls Campaign

And by the way, newly deputized nut bar federal environment minister John Baird is scheduled to be in Regina this week for a party fundraiser. I tell ya, I had to read that one twice. I'm sure it really icks him out to be in, around or near any kind of 'gina. I'm guessing he is definitely green when it comes to that. But when it comes to the environment, the only thing green about Baird is the bile he is saving up to spew at Dion over the next while.

Ah Rona, how we miss you and your steely-jawed sexy but not-too-smart approach. Looking at and listening to Snivelling Gopher-Cheeked Rodent Man hyper-blather like he's taken one too many of the 'blue' pills is just not as, well...stimulating.

Canada Upholds Gay Rights

175 MPs stood up and supported gay and human rights in Canada today. Huge kudos are in order for John Baird, Peter Mackay, Jim Prentice and David Emerson. You should be proud of yourselves today for voting against Stephen Harper's cynical attempt to tear people apart in Canada and trod on the established charter rights of our sisters and brothers.

The following MPs should be ashamed of letting their religious beliefs, intolerance, political aims or mean-spiritedness obscure their respect for the human rights of Canadians:

Liberals unworthy of the title: Jim Karygiannis, Derek Lee, Mr. Byrne. Mr. Wappel. Monsieur Bonier. Mr. Mcteague. Mr. Cullen. Mr. Mackay. Mr. Malley. Mr. Steckle. Mr. Tonks. Mr. Khan. Mr. Scarpaleggia.

Conservatives: Mr. O'Connor. Mr. Toews. Mr. Day. Mr. Flaherty. Mr. Clement. Mr. Strahl. Mr. Solberg. Mr. Hearn. Mrs. Hinton. Mr. Bernourge, Mr. Blackburn. Mr. Camp. Mr. Benoit. Mr. Breitkreuz. Mr. Hanger. Mr. Harris, Mr. Mills, Mr. Thompson, Mr. Williams. Mr. Anders, Mr. Casson. Mr. Mackenzie. Mr. Hebert. Mr. Kenney. Mr. Reid. Mr. Lauzon. Mrs. Yellich. Mr. Warawa. Mr. Doyle. Mr. Ritz. Mr. Fitzpatrick. Mr. Goldring. Mr. Albrecht. Mr. Allan. Mr. Lunny. Mr. Mark. Mr. Merrifield. Mr. Ragotte. Mr. Sorenson. Mr. Vellacott. Mr. Schellenberger. Mr. Alison. Mr. Batters. Mr. Bazan. Mr. Jaffer. Mr. Brown. Mr. Hawn. Mr. Lake. Monsieur Lemieux. Mr. Pallister. Mr. Epp. Mr. Mayes. Monsieur Pettite. Mr. Sweet. Mr. Van Kesteran. Mr. Wallace. etc...

The Kennedy-Dion Moment

I don't know if anyone caught this, but it was a moment of heavy symbolism for me. At the second that Dion's winning vote count was revealed on the fourth ballot Saturday, his hand immediately went up in the air. Since he was huddled close beside Dion, Kennedy turned to see the hand going up and thought he was being high-fived. Up went his hand to reciprocate, only to realize Dion was passing him over to turn and wave at the delegates who put him at the top.

Why was this pathetic, slow-motion, Hollywood style moment symbolic? Because hopefully it foreshadowed a new reality, where Dion will play no favourites with other politicians and create further division within that already torn-aparty. And though he may have felt like Dion's little brother on the first day of high school at that moment, I imagine that point was not lost on Gerrard either.

Welcome to Day One of your undoing Harpies!

The Needs of Strangers

Today was different. This morning, I walked to the subway, along a street torn apart to make way for a new streetcar right-of-way that has been hotly contested over the past few years. Amidst the smashed concrete slabs, coffee-slurping orange-vested dusty throngs of city workers and whining machinery, I had one of those recurring movie-like vignettes.

In a historically vibrant moment, a lone, scarred streetpost popped out of the secenery and commanded my attention. The post had one leaflet left on it- they are regularly removed by city workers. The leaflet stood out as a bold, lone survivor amidst the skeletal staple graveyard of wasted efforts. The headline on the small piece of paper said "BRING THE TROOPS HOME NOW" and beckoned people to attend a "Pan-Canadian Day of Action" on Oct., 28 to call for Canada's withdrawal from Afghanistan. I know I've written about this subject a hell of a lot in recent months, but it was at that moment that it truly hit me: We are at war. Granted, that statement means nothing unless measured by the yardstick of one's experience in life.

I'm 38 years old. In the 80s, my youth was intellectually tormented by angst about the coming nuclear holocaust that we would all surely be experiencing. Mine was a generation that was acutely aware of the concepts of M.A.D. and the circles I travelled in read social philosophy and pondered regularly questions of global security relating to the Soviet and US spheres of influence over some modern jazz and hash.

But we, as Canada was, were always bystanders to the cynical, destructive games that the evil superpowers played around the world. The comfort of our armchair position and the warmth and wisdom with which we regarded all cultures and civilizations was a badge we wore with pride. How naive we were - or maybe just too high?

One of the guys I was impressed with back then was this incredibly erudite and sensitive son of an exiled Russian noble named Michael Ignatieff. I don't know- maybe it was my fondness for Solzhenitzyn or my own Slavic descent that made me identify with Ignatieff. I remember a treatise that he wrote called "The Needs of Strangers". In others' words , that book talked about "a wide-spread failure on the part of humanity to provide the passionate sense of community "in which our need for belonging can be met." The implications of this kind of compassionate thinking were not lost on us. Russians could love Americans and the world could be safe from extinction one day. Hey, if Woodrow Wilson- an American- had thought so at some point, then why shouldn't we be optimistic?

Looking at that anti-war pamphlet now and the black marker scrawling on the plastic cover of the Toronto Star box below it, which read "Fuck Ignatieff", really hammered home two things that I had not consciously connected before this morning. One is that the country I love has lost its way and found itself in the middle of a game of spheres of influence being perpetrated by higher powers. Second, is that possibly - just possibly- Michael Ignatieff, that sensitive philosopher who believed in compassion, could be the only man able to pull us back on track.

Iggy Fiddles as Future Burns

You may remember several months ago when Ashley MacIsaac appeared on several K-Dough threads (click HERE) babbling mostly incomprehensible nonsense about wanting to run in the Liberal leadership race. Well, he pretty much disappeared after that little grease fire, but now he is back with a flaming vengeance. It looks as if he is dragging Michael Ignatieff down the proverbial hair-clogged drain pipe with him.

Yesterday, Iggy appeared on stage in Toronto with the precocious maritime nutter MacIsaac. Apparently, this availability was strategically designed to get youth to vote for Iggy. Brilliant campaigning wouldn't you say? I can see the headlines now "Harvard prof, distinguished author and hopeful next PM of Canada befriends BDSM loving, blathering, spit-chinned, bow dragger in bid to secure the stupid vote".

My question for you smarty-pantsed Iggy campers: What broad section of youth does Asher appeal to exactly? Who the hell under 25 even knows who he is? If you can't figure shit like this out, how do you expect to be able to run a national party? You're way out of touch kids.

Red Scare!

You know what? We are marginalizing ourselves as bloggers. Pretty soon, no one will listen to us - the Liberal-biased blogging community- because we don't know what the hell we are talking about. And it's all because, clearly, we are blinded by the red. We are all unknowingly controlled by a sub-conscious slave-like devotion to the Liberal Party.

I mean look at me- I'm pathetic. Even though I have never purchased a Liberal Party membership, my blood is red. Even though I have an autographed picture of Mike Harris on my home office wall, I secretly own a red Montreal Canadiens golf shirt. Even though I consider myself non-partisan and an equal opportunity insulter, I love the song Red by Treble Charger!

I am appealing to all of you bloggers out there in Blogonia, regardless of your political stripe, to stop this madness now! You may think you are a neo-con. You may think you are a green or orange supporter. But you are not. You are infected with the Liberal virus. It's pervasive, there is no known cure and it, like, fucks with your mind man.

Well, maybe a sexy, drunken night at an Alberta road house with Rona would ( wood?) help, but that ain't happening any time soon- is it now? It makes me turn red just thinking about it. There! I did it again! Help me!!!

Friday Quickie: Iggy Swallowed

Ignatieff really did it this time. Following the Afghanistan vote, Harper slithered up to him like a snake hunting an injured rat and choked him down with a peristaltic handshake. Now, Iggy is nothing more than Mel Lastman, with sweaty Hells Angels palms. Poor little quivering rodent. He didn't see it coming until it was too late. Now, does that fit the epistemological parameters of your meta-methodological construct of torture Iggy?

BTW: I'm trying out a new subscription service. It's called Feed Blitz and it's an easy two step registration process. If you want e-mail updates when new posts appear here subscribe and let me know how it works! The button is just down on the right side of this page under the "subscribe to my feed" box.
K

Poll: Liberals Vote on Afghanistan

A K-Dough Poll: Do you think it was politically intelligent for a few prominent Liberal leadership candidates to vote to extend the Afghanistan mission? I mean it was a free vote and all, but holy fucking duhhhhhhhh!!! I hate to say it, because I love the fact that he is an intellectual, but if I was voting at the convention in the fall, Ignatieff would be searching for my X up his ass.

I'm starting to believe there is no room for higher thinking (read: academia) in politics, because in the interest of seeming objective it appears to short-circuit common sense.

What Canada Needs

More of this. Ontario's Health Minister George Smitherman is a model for public service. The guy is real. No bullshit. Smitherman is Ontario's first openly gay cabinet minister and has nuts the size of grapefruits. Even before his cabinet appointment, he was the only MPP in Ontario to publicly celebrate his sexual orientation- when other gay MPPs were too chicken shit to come out - even though the rainbow party people on Church Street all knew who they were (spineless mice).

Public figures admitting to drug abuse is a model for others in similar situations. Smitherman made something of himself, when he could have fallen further in to the dark wheel of pain and misery that is addiction. He could have crashed and burned, like anyone behind the wheel of an out of control life, but he made hard choices and turned things around.

Those who bible thump and preach morality don't have a modicum of the energy, conviction and strength that men like Georgie Boy do. He should be commended for his openness and authenticity in a sea of fake, stuffed shirts and people who think they possess a monopoly on morality.

Dear Ken Dryden: Hockey Needs You!

At first, I thought it was really cool. Ken Dryden. Hero to millions- me included- running for the federal Liberals. Then, he was named to a cabinet post. Still cool, but a little strange. Now, we hear whispers that he may run for the Liberal leadership. As a true bleu, blanc et rouge Habs fan, that just makes me feel fucking icky. Yes, he is a lawyer. Yes, he is instantly recognizable to most Canadians. Well, at least to those over say......ummmm....35? But what is one of the greatest netminders of all time and an icon of the most successful (debatable) sports dynasty doing in the nastiest of sports- politics?
Come back to hockey Kenny!
Ken, you need to come back to help les glorieux reorganize their faltering franchise. I know you must have become very disillusioned working for the dark side during those pointless, derelict, angst-ridden, life-sucking, what must have seemed like endless years. But please don't let that hapless, cupless miserable Leaf disease destroy your lust for life! Child care is nothing compared to the legacy you could leave if you refocussed your efforts.

Please Ken, for the love of poutine, listen to me dude! As leader of the oppositon ( and potentially the entire nation) you will undoubtedly be concerned with national unity. What better way to get Quebecers who are on the other side of the blue line back on side, than by coaching the boys from Mont Royale back into another 5 or 6 cups? Think about it big guy... Canada, politics, k-dough, liberal, conservative, harper, Ontario, kdough, criticism, neo-con, commentary, communications, legislature, Chretien, election,policy, hand guns, Toronto