Knaked News

Speaking of sucking and blowing, funny thing happened to me on the way to work this morning... No wait: I just drove in from Talahasee, and boy is my screwdriver tired. (Ba dum dum- spshhh)

But seriously, my greased and horny pot-bellied piglets, today I am offering you a quick rounding up of the truly bizarre in two ridiculous sentences. And here it is:

Even though unfathomably stupid teen beauty contestant Lauren Caitlin Upton did not win the famed Dumb As A Pool Noodle But I'd Love to Schtoop You contest, she is rumoured to be dating Leona Helmsley's dog Trouble, who just inherited a cool $12 million, and has quit her job as the CEO of a major Bay Street Investment house, where other stupid, yet great looking people are overworked. Helmsley's clearly insane financial decisions left her peniless and dead in some guy's garage, after being treated for blemishes by a Viennese descendant of Beethoven's private doctor, who is rumoured to be having an affair with gay denier and 3 term Republican senator, Larry Craig.

Whoosh! Oh yeah, and I'm not wearing underwear. Or overwear for that matter.

It's Not Easy Being Green

Our federal parties are fumbling frenetically with environmental policy like boner-sportin' 15 year olds in the dark with bra straps; and the boobs in the bra represent plump, silky votes in the upcoming election. Ever since a few weeks ago, when the national media somehow decided environmental issues were at the top of every lobotomized trans-fat gorfing, video game coveting Canadian's concerns list, we've seen at least 99 green balloons floated up into the smog-buttered skies of federal policy.

Let's just sit back and enjoy the absurdly-spun bullshit we'll be hearing from all parties over the next couple of months. I can see the future headlines now:

Harper says Green Economy Not Enough: Need Green Money
Dion says Green Money Comments Sign of Increasing Americanization
Layton/Lesbian Autoworker Association Launch Green Coveralls Campaign

And by the way, newly deputized nut bar federal environment minister John Baird is scheduled to be in Regina this week for a party fundraiser. I tell ya, I had to read that one twice. I'm sure it really icks him out to be in, around or near any kind of 'gina. I'm guessing he is definitely green when it comes to that. But when it comes to the environment, the only thing green about Baird is the bile he is saving up to spew at Dion over the next while.

Ah Rona, how we miss you and your steely-jawed sexy but not-too-smart approach. Looking at and listening to Snivelling Gopher-Cheeked Rodent Man hyper-blather like he's taken one too many of the 'blue' pills is just not as, well...stimulating.

Layton's Curse

Media reports say Tommy Douglas - the greatest Canadian of all time - was the subject of an ongoing RCMP file in the 1960s. They say he was, could have been, wanted to be or was at least curious about becoming a communist. While there really is nothing shocking about this revelation it does throw an ironic spotlight on the current leader of the modern version of the NDP.

Can you imagine the RCMP, CSIS or even another individual investigating Jack Layton for anything? I mean the guy is a squeaky clean, shiny cardboard cut out Osmond of a human being. And what information would any such investigation possibly garner?

Stakeout Report: JL, December 18, 2006
1. Jack awakens from restful sleep. Washes off 8 hour Egyptian mud mask and brushes glittering teeth that plaque is afraid of with bio-friendly tooth paste solution. Kisses Olivia and let's quivering little dog out (or is that the other way arou...nevermind).
2. Jack dresses in neatly-pressed pastel orange track suit and performs 2 hour rigourous physical exercise routine. Jack reads latest edition of Socialist Worker while on StairMaster, hooked up to a Vitamin B12 intravenous pump.
3. Jack enjoys breakfast of fresh fruit, berries of the world and Turkish yoghurt, while practicing messaging for the day. Olivia drills him from flash cards:
Q: Mr. Layton, what is your position on the possibility that the Bloc will use Afghanistan for its own political purposes in the New Year?
A: New Democrats are the other choice. We are not the guys in the middle or over there. We are the other guys. You want choice right? Well, we are a choice.

Ok. ok. I have to stop. I can't go one with this charade of a skit because the truth is that there is absolutely nothing controversial, scary or LEFT about Layton. Everybody loves Jack, in a weird it's-not-clear-whether-his-face-is-real kinda way. All I know is that the NDP had better find a compelling reason for the secret authorities to investigate them if they want to remain a party at all. Otherwise, the closing green and red walls on either side of them will squash them like bugs, only to be scraped off and tossed into the trash can of Canadian irrelevancy.