Chrétien Foreshadows Book Content

When I asked him this morning at breakfast** what manner of dirty secrets would be exposed in his upcoming book, Jean Chrétien lifted his drunken, drooling head off the pillow and murmured "A book is a book. What kind of a book? It's a book. A book is a book. And when you 'ave a good book it's because it's written."

**In response to an offline questioner who asked "What would you be doing in bed with Chrétien " I thought I should clear things up. Hey, everyone knows how easy it is to get into the Chrétien bedroom. Last night, I drunkenly stumbled into the wrong house, and when Aline attacked me, some kind of sexual chemical reaction occurred. Next thing I know, the Chrétien's and I are entangled in the throes of a sweaty ménage a trois. Hey, one should never look a gift former PM's wife in the mouth...mwahaha.

RIP to An Era

Sam Pollock, general manager of Hab dynasties in Montreal in the '60s and '70s, died last week. He was the architect behind 9 Stanley Cups. He was also partially responsible for tons of childhood joy for a kid, ostracized in enemy territory by a gang of low-intelligence redneck, loser-supporting, snotty-nosed Leaf kids.

Here's to the bony finger of victory in your eye Southern Ontario.

Vive les tricolores!!! Vive les Canadiens!!!

Early Montreal Treasures Recovered

Archaeologists have found the remains of the earliest known buildings in Montreal. The 1642 settlement contained many fascinating relects, which show some indication of what life in the cradle of Montreal civilization might have been like back then. K-Dough has obtained exclusive access to the archivist's list by greasing palms and other body parts. Here is just a sampling of what they found in the dig:

• A jewelled, deerskin thong, with the name "Bambi Bouchard" stitched into the fabric, and a branded ensignia reading "Club Super Voyageur" on the front.
• A crate of petrified bagels, which pre-date the earliest known Jewish immigrants to the area by over 100 years.
• A crudely fashioned hockey puck made from what lab tests have confirmed to be kiln-fired moose shit.
• An emaciated, stuffed beaver, mounted on what appears to be a stage, roughly hewn from birch, with the curious name-plate "Celine".
• A well preserved large "C" encompassing a smaller "H", made from fried potatoes, held together by stringy melted cheese.

Top 10 Reasons the Leafs Suck

1. Montreal Canadiens
2. 40 Cupless Years - wait, that's 40 reasons.
3. Andrew Raycroft
4. Leafs 26th in league penalty kill
5. Out of playoff contention again
6. Montreal Canadiens 7th in conference: Leafs 10th.
   
7. Missing body parts: No heart, No guts, No Balls.
   
8. Montreal Canadiens 1st in league power play goals
   
9. 40 More Cupless Years
10. Montreal Canadiens

Top 10 Canadian Arse Lickers

Hey if Mary Walsh (nice boobs, eh?) can do it, so can K-Dough.

1. Peter Mackay
2. Belinda Stronach (tongues ass of all stripes)
3. Howie Mandel (ever see those Boston Pizza commercials?)
4. John Tory (and the ass depends on the position he's running for)
5. David Emerson
6. Garth Turner
7. Wajid Khan
8. Ben Mulroney (chin-in-ass disease)
9. Stephen Harper (but only if it's a really tight American sphincter)
10. K-Dough (ok, so sometimes I get over zealous and lose my way while venturing past the V Sector)

Note- Ok, so I just realized I cacked out on 4 smart ass possibilities. So I want YOU to write the bracketorial ass/bun pun for Mackay, Emerson, Turner and Khan.

Oshawa's Gift of Culture

Holy christ kids. For a while now, I've been telling you all about the cultural hell hole I grew up in- the Shwa. Yep- the Shwa- Canada's retarded version of Detroit. In case you needed further proof of my Kid Rock-like crude beginnnings, read THIS before going any further! ... Ok, now come back.

This is the best part: "It was a really dingy place. I've been trying to spruce it up," he (the pool hall owner) says, pointing to a new bar, fresh drywall and photos of recent wet T-shirt contests."

What did he say? Sprucing the place up by replacing those pictures of old wet T-shirt contests with pictures of recent wet T-shirt contests? Bwahahahaha!!!

But it gets better: (Now) he offers live music and DJs playing rock 'n' roll and he's even introduced oil wrestling to the entertainment lineup. "The place has gotten much, much better," he states proudly.

And the kicker to all this will be when somehow- even without welfare cheques and General Motors- Oshawa, like the cockroach of a city it is, will crawl back out of the sewers after Armagaeddon. Future visitors from other planets will discover the descendants of the regulars from that pool hall and think "Damn- we thought we had finally discovered intelligent life-forms!"

Many thanks to Otto van Karajanstein over at The Transcontinental for rubbing my nose in this pile of cultural offal.

Top 25 Canadian Rock Songs

Ok, off the top of my head, I just had to pull this one out of my ass because it was loitering on the tip of my tongue. It was sitting there in the background, glistening like a shiny golden fruit, ready to be plucked from the bendy jello-laden tree of creativity. No Can-Con bullshit in this list baby, just pure platinum pleasure that can never be bound by borders.

1. Spirit of Radio - Rush
2. Born to be Wild - Steppenwolf
3. Roller - April Wine
4. American Woman - Guess Who
5. Locked in the Trunk of A Car- Tragically Hip
6. Fat Lip - Sum 41
7. Money City Maniacs - Sloan
8. Hello Time Bomb - Matthew Good
9. Lay It On The Line - Triumph
10. Red - Treble Charger
11. Takin' Care of Business- Bachman-Turner Overdrive
12. The Weight- The Band
13. This Could Be Anywhere in the World - Alexisonfire
14. Snortin' Whiskey - Pat Travers
15. Rockin' In the Free World - Neil Young
16. Lager and Ale - Kim Mitchell
17. Is Anybody Home? - Our Lady Peace
18. No Justice - Harem Scarem
19. Summer of '69 - Bryan Adams
20. Let's Tango - Dalbello
21. Roxy Roller- Sweeney Todd
22. Highschool Confidential- Rough Trade
23. Black Velvet - Alannah Myles
24. I'm an Adult Now - Pursuit of Hapiness
25. Lunatic Fringe- Red Rider

Top 10 Canadian Slapstick Political Quotes

Politicians definitely spend a lot of time messaging us to death, blowing hot air out of their asses and attacking each other. But rarely do they say things that reach the soaring heights of stupidity, controversy or just plain political uncorrectness that the following attained. Enjoy.

1. Jean Chretien: (On the justification the U.S. used for invading Iraq) "No, a proof is a proof. What kind of a proof? It's a proof. A proof is a proof, and when you have a good proof, it's because it's proven."
2. Ralph Klein: (On Belinda Stronach's defection to the Liberals) "I wasn't surprised she crossed over. I don't think she ever had a Conservative bone in her body -- well, except for one."
3. Jean Chretien: "I don't know what is marijuana. Perhaps I will try it when it will no longer be criminal. I will have my money for my fine and a joint in the other hand."
4. Pierre Trudeau: "Some things I never learned to like. I didn't like to kiss babies, though I didn't mind kissing their mothers."
5. Jacques Parizeau: (On the separatist defeat in the '95 referendum) "C'est vrai, c'est vrai qu'on a été battus, au fond, par quoi? Par l'argent puis du vote ethnique, essentiellement." (Trans: It is true, it is true that we were beaten, but in the end, by what? By money and ethnic votes, essentially.)
6. Stephen Harper: "I don't know all the facts on Iraq, but I think we should work closely with the Americans."
7. Mel Lastman, former Tornoto Mayor: (Just before getting on a flight to Kenya to support Toronto's bid for the 2008 Olympic Games) "What the hell do I want to go to a place like Mombasa? ... I'm sort of scared about going there ... I just see myself in a pot of boiling water with all these natives dancing around me."
8. Ontario MPP, Bob Runciman: (On Belinda Stronach's defection to the Liberals) "She sort of defined herself as something of a dipstick, an attractive one, but still a dipstick, with what she's done here today. She is, at the end of the day, going to paint herself as something of a joke."
9. Peter MacKay: "Something else I've learned about Secretary Rice is she loves the cool Atlantic breezes here in Nova Scotia, and she left the window open last night."
10. Stockwell Day: "I am more convinced than ever that a lively two party system is essential to our democracy."

Honourable mention: Did he or didn't he? Mike Harris, former Ontario Premier: (Harris' own Attorney General Charles Harnick testified to this statement during the Ipperwash Inquiry looking into the shooting death of Dudley George by the provincial police): "I want the fuckin' Indians out of the park." To be fair, Harris denied saying it.

Top Ten Canadian Mullet Fostering Bands

Now if this isn't an obvious topic, I don't know what is. Growing up in Oshawa (aka the Shwa), the cultural crotch of Ontario at the time, I am over-qualified to write this list. And so, with a quick sign of the devil, a shot of JD and a pen knife to the gut of the goof who was lookin' at my old lady's tits, here it comes - raise a little hair y'all!:

1. Trooper
2. Kim Mitchell/Max Webster
3. April Wine
4. Chilliwack
5. Steppenwolf
6. Head Pins (Did Darby Mills sport the first giant Canadian female mullet?)
7. Brighton Rock
8. Loverboy
9. Triumph
10. Helix

Top 15 Worst Canadian TV Productions

The speculation ran rampant and wild yesterday on the contents of this highly anticipated list. Now, you can all finally get some much needed sleep and relieve yourselves in what ever manner you see fit. Fly free sweet blogaholics and let the juices of hapiness flow like wine!

And now, on to the list. There have been so many absolutely fucking retarded Canadian TV shows that this was a not an easy task. In fact, I lengthened the list- only for today- to a whopping 15 so-called productions. And without further nose and ass holding, here they are...

Top 15 Worst Canadian TV Productions

1. Smith and Smith
2. Rita And Friends
3. The Rene Simard Show
4. Tiny Talent Time
5. Royal Canadian Air Farce
6. 100 Huntley Street
7. Party Game
8. To Serve and Protect
9. Super Dave Osbourne
10. Ed's Night Party
11. The Littlest Hobo
12. Jonovision
13. The Polka Dot Door
14. Train 48
15. Little Mosque on the Prairie

Top Ten Classic Canadian TV Productions

Top Ten Classic Canadian TV Productions:

1. Rick Mercer's Talking to Americans
2. The Kids in the Hall
3. SCTV
4. City Limits (all night weekend video show that launched Wayne's World)
5. Hockey Night in Canada!
6. Trailer Park Boys
7. The New Music with JD Roberts and Jeannie Becker
8. The Tom Green Show
9. Tales of the Riverbank
10. Bizarre

Tune in tomorrow for my list of the worst!

Top Ten Sexiest Canadian Women

Instead of posting today on the self-destructive attack ads the federal conservatives are currently airing and how the party has become its own undoing, I am going to a much better, warmer place in my mind - and it ain't Carolina baby.

Here now is my list of the Top Ten Sexiest Canadian Women , just off the top of my pants:

1. Avril Lavigne
2. Chantal Kreviazuk
3. Mitsou Gelinas
4. Kathryn Humphreys (City TV Toronto sports reporter)
5. Shannon Tweed (She's a Newfie!)
6. Sarah McLachlan
7. Lisa Rani Ray (star of Bollywood Hollywood)
8. Wendy Mesley
9. Josee Chouinard
10. Shania Twain

A True Red, White and Blue Canadien

Last night, I celebrated the miserable, phlegmy bug that has overtaken my head, neck, chest, skull and sinus area by curling up under a duvet, doing shots of Nyquil and watching The Rocket- the bio-pic on French-Canadian hockey legend Maurice Richard.

While there were some serious low budget moments and the story seemed to be frozen on game highlights moments at times, the film did do justice to Richard and his time, in many senses. It depicted Richard as a complex, proud and broody man. His skill and power on the ice contrasted his strong, quiet traditional Canadien Francais disposition. Most importantly it showed the dark, discriminatory and crooked side of the NHL during the years when it was overseen by Clarence Campbell and other blatantly bigotted Anglo-Saxons.

Richard's campaign against the discrimination faced by French-Canadian players from referees, league and teams officials meshed well with Quebec's own historic struggle during and after the Duplessis years to find it's own identity within Canada. Hockey fans and Canadian history fans alike should check this film out. It is essential to learning something about the French-Canadian view that may be missing from an Anglo-Canadian understanding of the NHL's history.

In the end, my night couldn't have turned out more perfectly. When I checked the Saturday NHL scores all was as it should be: The glorious Habs beat Buffalo - the team who was until last night's results in first place in the league - 4-3; and the listing Leafs - currently 20th in the league- were brutally spanked by the 17th place Penguins 8-2. It all made me feel very good.

Vives les tri-colores!

Update: Sorry my little dancing Kleenex faeries, but I am reposting this today. I am still fucking SICK and don't have the energy even to nose drool on the keyboard. Blech!

John A's Bday!

I hope you'll all be hoisting a frosty wobbly pop for good ole John Eh. tonight kids! I have it on good word that it's also Chretien's b-day today as well. I, for one, plan to be talking like him by 9 pm tonight. A special meeting of the MBC Executive (Multiple Beverage Coalition of Greater Toronto) has been called for tonight and we will undoubtedly be slobbering odes to the creation of Canada by one of the greatest drunks ever to grace our fair dominion. Vive le Canada!!!

Harper's Hockey Hallucination

As if we needed further proof that Stevie Harpo was out of touch with reality and afflicted with the anti-common sense gene, he says this "I think the Leafs are really coming together as a franchise, I like the team this year, I think it's got no obvious weaknesses"*.

As we wrap up the 40th year anniversary of miserable, cupless Loaf history, I'll just say this to Harpie: Next spring, you'll be following the Leafs Nation right down to South Carolina, where the golfing is abundant, the soda pop flows like water and the people are much like the people you left behind in the West- back in Canada where you will once have had a job.

And don't fret Sad Stevie and you sick, misguided Loaf lovers: Down there they have CPAC and TSN as well, where you'll be able to catch all the playoff highlights and maybe even watch live as Prime Minister Dion salutes Les Habitantes as they hoist their 11th cup for the past 40 years and chart topping 25th cup overall!

Vives les tri-colores!!!

*OMNI Television interview quoted in the Toronto Star- article HERE.

Layton's Curse

Media reports say Tommy Douglas - the greatest Canadian of all time - was the subject of an ongoing RCMP file in the 1960s. They say he was, could have been, wanted to be or was at least curious about becoming a communist. While there really is nothing shocking about this revelation it does throw an ironic spotlight on the current leader of the modern version of the NDP.

Can you imagine the RCMP, CSIS or even another individual investigating Jack Layton for anything? I mean the guy is a squeaky clean, shiny cardboard cut out Osmond of a human being. And what information would any such investigation possibly garner?

Stakeout Report: JL, December 18, 2006
1. Jack awakens from restful sleep. Washes off 8 hour Egyptian mud mask and brushes glittering teeth that plaque is afraid of with bio-friendly tooth paste solution. Kisses Olivia and let's quivering little dog out (or is that the other way arou...nevermind).
2. Jack dresses in neatly-pressed pastel orange track suit and performs 2 hour rigourous physical exercise routine. Jack reads latest edition of Socialist Worker while on StairMaster, hooked up to a Vitamin B12 intravenous pump.
3. Jack enjoys breakfast of fresh fruit, berries of the world and Turkish yoghurt, while practicing messaging for the day. Olivia drills him from flash cards:
Q: Mr. Layton, what is your position on the possibility that the Bloc will use Afghanistan for its own political purposes in the New Year?
A: New Democrats are the other choice. We are not the guys in the middle or over there. We are the other guys. You want choice right? Well, we are a choice.

Ok. ok. I have to stop. I can't go one with this charade of a skit because the truth is that there is absolutely nothing controversial, scary or LEFT about Layton. Everybody loves Jack, in a weird it's-not-clear-whether-his-face-is-real kinda way. All I know is that the NDP had better find a compelling reason for the secret authorities to investigate them if they want to remain a party at all. Otherwise, the closing green and red walls on either side of them will squash them like bugs, only to be scraped off and tossed into the trash can of Canadian irrelevancy.

John Turner Bio-Doc Airs Saturday

So, a friend of mine who happens to be a Producer/Director/Writer named Paul Kemp (Stornoway Productions) has made a very interesting and entertaining bio-doc on former PM and prominent Liberal John Turner. Paul dropped off an advance copy at my place last week and I thought I'd let y'all know about it.

Even if you don't like Turner this is well worth watching, if only because his political career careened across many fascinating and turbulent crests on Canada's historical sea. Not to mention, the details of his past evoke memories of the Canada I remember seeing on the news when I was kid. You know, the days when most politicians seemed a little more scholarly, well-spoken and god forbid, well-behaved. Watching old black and white footage of Turner conducting an impromptu seminar with young buzz-cut Liberals at the 1968 Liberal convention reminded me of Ward Clever imparting life lessons to the boys.

You have to check out this positive, fairly non-partisan doc regardless of what striped corner you have painted yourself into. Paul was granted exclusive access to all of Turner's fascinating photos and they figure prominently throughout, while Turner, himself, recounts the battles and joys of his years in Ottawa.

This is a must-see for anyone who loves Canadian history and politics. For the older of us, it will refresh memories and for the younger it will animate what you may see as a one-dimensional past. Either way, it offers new perspective into things we may take for granted regarding Canada's development as a nation.

The hour-long documentary is called John Turner: In His Own Words and will air on Global Television this coming Saturday at 7 pm EST on the ocassion of the Liberal leadership convention. It is also slated to run on iChannel in December. Check out your local listings for details!

War Stories and Faded Glories

I remember, when I was child, asking my grandfather to tell me war stories. To an assuming young neighbourhood kid who loved playing "guns" and "army" with the other boys, the fact that my grandfather had survived the First World War was about as cool as if he were Guy Lafleur. At times, I'd be sitting on his knee, asking eagerly "Did you ever kill anyone?".

He told me about how, in 1914, he had lied to recruiters in Canada about his age, so he could travel to Europe and fight. He was only 14 at the time and full of piss and vinegar and a naive spirit of adventure. He told me about wiping his ass with German money in the woods of France. He told me about the faded tattoo on his forearm that read "Winnie", who, according to him, was his cousin. He told me about the time he bayonetted a giant German, right between the ribs, only to be shot in the head and sent back to England. It was there, in the infirmary, that King George had chatted with him and presented him with a token medal. He had named his first daughter Victoria Patricia in George's honour.

By the time I had grown into early adolescence, it occurred to me that I should record some of the conversations I had with my granddad. And it is in those recordings that I found out the truth about what he felt about war. I had asked my grandfather to recount stories, by then well-known to me, about his youth and travels.

Sure, I loved the one about how he sang in a Vaudeville group called the Dumbbells and entertained audiences across the country as a female impersonator. Or the time he sang in Saint Paul's Cathedral in a choir as a young boy. Or how he trapped rattlesnakes with his hands, way up north in Buckhorn, with his Dad and shipped them to a firm in Toronto that paid for their skins.

But inevitably, in one section of the tape, I returned to my favourite question about the war. I prompted him by asking "So granddad, you were in the war, right?". "Yep", he replied in a stern voice I'd never heard before in such conversations. "Yep", "but, ahhhh, that doesn't mean anything". And thus, unglamorously had ended my journalistic foray into his military past. He had refused to read into the record the stories of death, or German brutality or wiping his ass with the Kaiser.

And now I realize why my grandfather always spurned my repeated requests for him to march in the veterans parade every November 11th. I was proud, but he wasn't. While they called it Remembrance Day, to him it was a day of sadness and regret. To me, the old world naive bravado that fuelled those celebrations and were the reason for his regret should have died with him in 1984.

So, why now can't we let those things die? Why must we continue letting our sons and daughters kill and be killed in the name of foreign interests? Political, nationalistic or macho explanations are just not good enough for me. They surely weren't enough for my grandfather in the end, when he finally grew up and gave up the illusion that war is noble.

Celebrity Sightings

(KP-Toronto) Some genuine Canadian celebrities were fortunate enough recently to catch glimpses of K-Dough and his intensely private daughter and wife in and around town. Rumour has it that just yesterday, Peter Mansbridge passed the three while shopping for sundries at the shi shi Forest Hill Loblaws on a lovely mid-town mid-afteroon. K-Dough's wife was heard to whisper "Geez- by the light of day, Mansbridge looks like his own father".

Only days before, while weekday brunching at Grapefruit Moon, a popular Annex eatery, radio/TV personality Dini Petty was overheard making sweet remarks to K-Dough's daughter Kay-Dough. Wrapped in her favourite embroidered jean jacket, Hello Kitty pom pom touque and Amsterdam knit scarf, the precocious child was delighted to hear Petty utter the prophetic phrase: "Wow, she's going to be the next cool chick of the future".

Ahh, the T-Dot is a glorious town, isn't it?

Canadians for Exile

So, we've all heard the story this morning about the American judge who exiled the teacher who slept with his student to Canada, right? In the event that you haven't, read this (click HERE). Here's hoping this remarkably innovative judge's decision withstands legal scrutiny. Just think of the possibilities. It would give us the perfect excuse to clean a little house in Canada, if we could hook up some kind of reciprocal agreement with the U.S.

Here is a partial list* I've composed of possible candidates for permanent exile to the good ole U. S. of A. Feel free to add/disagree!:

Howie Mandell
Stephen Harper, John Baird and Jim Flaherty
The Toronto Maple Leafs
Chad Krueger and Nickleback
Conrad Black (his exile order would be pre-filled-out just in case he tries to weasel back over the border)
Ezra Levant
Massari/Shawn Desmond
Don Newman
Matt Dusk
Ben Mulroney
The Canadian Taxpayers Federation
Belinda Stronach
Robin Black

*There is no theme underpinning this list other my own personal cultural, social, artistic and/or political arrogance, of which I am fully aware.