Top 10 Things I Love About Japan

Unless you speak Nihongo, this may take some googling to get. But hey, I'm asserting blogetic licence because...I just feel like it. Banzai!

1. Rotenburo: Steaming onsen in winter, in the mountains.
2. Shoyu ramen on a cold, rainy night, a warm yukata and a flask of atsukan.
3. Yukiguni no sekai (Kawabata Yasunari)
4. Sato Ryosho Sensei (shinimashita), Nihonmatsu Shito Ryu Karatedo
5. Dreams Come True and Yoshida Miwa
6. Enka and mizuwari!!!
7. It's fucked up, but I miss the smell of musty tatami during the rainy season.
8. Yamadera
9. Ukiyo-e
10. Sakura/O-Hanami
    

Top 10 80s Films

Simply my faves. No Breakfast Club. No Pretty in Pink. In fact, this list is 100% Molly Ringworm-free!!!

1. Videodrome (Deborah Harry, James Woods, Sonja Smits)
2. Dune (Kyle MacLachlan, Francesca Annis, Virginia Madsen, Sting)
3. Brain Storm (Christopher Walken, Louise Fletcher, Natalie Wood)
4. Brazil (Jonathan Pryce, Michael Palin, Robert DeNiro)
5. Salvador (James Woods, Jim Belushi)
6. Vampire's Kiss (Nicolas Cage, Maria Conchita Alonso, Jennifer Beals)
7. Barfly (Mickey Rourke, Faye Dunaway)
8. Homeboy (Mickey Rourke, Christopher Walken)
9. Less Than Zero (Robert Downey Jr., Jamie Gertz, Andrew McCarthy)
10. Blue Velvet (Kyle MacLachlan, Isabella Rossellini, Dennis Hopper)

Top 10 Signs God Doesn't Exist

1. American/Canadian Idol being allowed to democratize the music industry so that now, a brain-damaged, shaved kitten with fake human tits can achieve international fame for 17 seconds, while real artists die in cardboard boxes in filthy alleys in pools of their own urine every 17 seconds.
2. War, disease, pestilence, property taxes, urethra swabs: injustice in general.
3. 2 terms of the dim prince, GWB.
4. Centuries worth of mail pollute the unkempt lawn of the house he claims to live in. Plus, I checked with the electric company- no service to that location.
5. I have never had sex with Mitsou Gelinas.
6. Karla Homolka Gives Birth!
7. Phrase "Oh my God!" during sex recently replaced by "Over to the right. Ok, that's not the right I was talking about. Are you listening to me? Oh, never mind. I'll do it myself. You finish up and go watch the UFC. Huh? You are finished? I didn't even know it was in."
8. Someone posing as "GOD" messaged me on Myspace saying he would meet me at Lee's Palace on Friday night. I stayed forever, listening to one shitty fucking '80s rip-off band after another. All the kids thought I was some 30-something perverted loser. When I got home, my Myspace page was hacked and someone was sending out porn site bulletins from my profile! Fuckin' GOD!
9. Justin Timberlake - the archangel messiah- is moon-walking the earth and thriving amongst us.
10. To this day, XTC has never received a reply.

Top 10 Reasons I Had To Give Up Stripping

1. My hydraulic X-Wing penis mount got too close to my dancing partner's home-made gas powered light sabre dildo and the explosion set our animatronic Well-Hung Wookie ablaze.
   
2. The fetish-for-4-feet-tall-bald-squat-Eurasian-she-males-dressed-as-sumo-clowns market completely dried up after the whole Gomery thing happened.
3. My addiction to suppositories and resulting weak sphincter musculature was really starting to have a disastrous effect on my lap dance revenues.
4. Three words: Family Court Order.
5. Club owner ordered me to remove my hemmorhoidal piercing and I refused. Power to the ass grapes people!
6. I developed a growth on my left ass cheek that resembled Oprah, and none of my clientelle could ever stomach my patented Reverse Trapeze Sack Swing ever again.
7. I lost faith in the intregity of my vocation upon finding out that Demi Moore - my mentor - was dating That Idiot from That 70s Show.
8. I developed a severe case of stage fright, forcing me to wear a hockey helmet, oven mitts, goalie pads and steel-toed work boots (but nothing in the middle!) every time I performed for fear of incurring further head injuries from fainting.
9. I became a born again God-fearing Republican. Wait- no that was why I started. Never mind.
10. My Pink Ninja Turtle of the Night routine went to hell, when the head filed a union grievance and refused to continue popping out of the shell-like cod piece.

Top 10 Reasons I'm Going Straight To Hell

1. Masturbated in church. Well, not really in a church per se, but on Church Street in the public washroom at Tim Horton's. Every day for 6 years.
2. On a dare, tore the label off a mattress without buying it.
3. Got really drunk and puked on St. Peter's dress at a film festival schmooze thing at Holt Renfrew on Bloor Street, 2001.
4. When I was 16, thought it was really funny to get a giant 666 - The Number of the Cheek tattooed on my ass. God wasn't laughing.
5. 5 words: Official Manson Fan Club Member.
6. Don't wear underwear some times.
7. If you don't know by now, you are ridiculously naive and you haven't read this blog's archives or heard about my infamous sexploits. Which reminds me, would you like to get together for a drink some time?
8. Played ball hockey with Anton Lavey for a whole season, after which, we often went out for wings and beer together or to the Zanzibar.
9. Our wedding song was Ozzy's Mr. Crowley and instead of having a wedding cake we sacrificed a virgin pig, which we later ate raw in an orgastic trance, naked and covered in blood and chocolate pudding.
10. Sex, drugs and rock 'n roll baby!

Top 10 Reasons I'm Going to Boot You in the Nuts...

...the next time I see you.

1. Because I can't stand the way you constantly whistle. What the fuck? No one is that happy.
2. Because you voted for John Baird, you damned Ne-peon.
3. Because Jesus came to me as I slept last night, sprinkled magical heaven dust stuff on my open slobbering mouth, gave me a homoerotic massage and whispered very specific evil nut-attacking orders into my stupefied ear. Oh, and I am susceptible to such coercion because I am an undead Jesus zombie, whose skull was opened one night and whose brain was replaced with a nerf football and a cup full of Aunt Jemima syrup. Mmmm...
4. Because you stole my Eggo.
5. Because the night...belongs to lovers.
6. Because God was cruel and already removed the shaft. I'll really just be saving you from ironic redundancy.
7. Because my school science project mandates that I discover whether or not my foot can generate the velocity required to make your testes look exactly like bald, pink baby hamsters after the shoe box they live in is (accidentally) run over by a drunk Portuguese guy in a rusted-out Z-28.
8. Because...I can.
9. Because you plied my pet goat with a bucket of kahlua and milk, took him out to a stock car race (that he naively enjoyed by the way) and then casually date-raped him in the back of your station wagon on the way home as he puked. You sick fucker.
10. Because Kurt Cobain is dead and I can't take repressing my overwhelming grief any longer! You are just the unfortunate recipient of my act of healing. But thanks for helping.

Top 25 Canadian Rock Songs

Ok, off the top of my head, I just had to pull this one out of my ass because it was loitering on the tip of my tongue. It was sitting there in the background, glistening like a shiny golden fruit, ready to be plucked from the bendy jello-laden tree of creativity. No Can-Con bullshit in this list baby, just pure platinum pleasure that can never be bound by borders.

1. Spirit of Radio - Rush
2. Born to be Wild - Steppenwolf
3. Roller - April Wine
4. American Woman - Guess Who
5. Locked in the Trunk of A Car- Tragically Hip
6. Fat Lip - Sum 41
7. Money City Maniacs - Sloan
8. Hello Time Bomb - Matthew Good
9. Lay It On The Line - Triumph
10. Red - Treble Charger
11. Takin' Care of Business- Bachman-Turner Overdrive
12. The Weight- The Band
13. This Could Be Anywhere in the World - Alexisonfire
14. Snortin' Whiskey - Pat Travers
15. Rockin' In the Free World - Neil Young
16. Lager and Ale - Kim Mitchell
17. Is Anybody Home? - Our Lady Peace
18. No Justice - Harem Scarem
19. Summer of '69 - Bryan Adams
20. Let's Tango - Dalbello
21. Roxy Roller- Sweeney Todd
22. Highschool Confidential- Rough Trade
23. Black Velvet - Alannah Myles
24. I'm an Adult Now - Pursuit of Hapiness
25. Lunatic Fringe- Red Rider

Top 10 Canadian Slapstick Political Quotes

Politicians definitely spend a lot of time messaging us to death, blowing hot air out of their asses and attacking each other. But rarely do they say things that reach the soaring heights of stupidity, controversy or just plain political uncorrectness that the following attained. Enjoy.

1. Jean Chretien: (On the justification the U.S. used for invading Iraq) "No, a proof is a proof. What kind of a proof? It's a proof. A proof is a proof, and when you have a good proof, it's because it's proven."
2. Ralph Klein: (On Belinda Stronach's defection to the Liberals) "I wasn't surprised she crossed over. I don't think she ever had a Conservative bone in her body -- well, except for one."
3. Jean Chretien: "I don't know what is marijuana. Perhaps I will try it when it will no longer be criminal. I will have my money for my fine and a joint in the other hand."
4. Pierre Trudeau: "Some things I never learned to like. I didn't like to kiss babies, though I didn't mind kissing their mothers."
5. Jacques Parizeau: (On the separatist defeat in the '95 referendum) "C'est vrai, c'est vrai qu'on a été battus, au fond, par quoi? Par l'argent puis du vote ethnique, essentiellement." (Trans: It is true, it is true that we were beaten, but in the end, by what? By money and ethnic votes, essentially.)
6. Stephen Harper: "I don't know all the facts on Iraq, but I think we should work closely with the Americans."
7. Mel Lastman, former Tornoto Mayor: (Just before getting on a flight to Kenya to support Toronto's bid for the 2008 Olympic Games) "What the hell do I want to go to a place like Mombasa? ... I'm sort of scared about going there ... I just see myself in a pot of boiling water with all these natives dancing around me."
8. Ontario MPP, Bob Runciman: (On Belinda Stronach's defection to the Liberals) "She sort of defined herself as something of a dipstick, an attractive one, but still a dipstick, with what she's done here today. She is, at the end of the day, going to paint herself as something of a joke."
9. Peter MacKay: "Something else I've learned about Secretary Rice is she loves the cool Atlantic breezes here in Nova Scotia, and she left the window open last night."
10. Stockwell Day: "I am more convinced than ever that a lively two party system is essential to our democracy."

Honourable mention: Did he or didn't he? Mike Harris, former Ontario Premier: (Harris' own Attorney General Charles Harnick testified to this statement during the Ipperwash Inquiry looking into the shooting death of Dudley George by the provincial police): "I want the fuckin' Indians out of the park." To be fair, Harris denied saying it.

Top Ten Canadian Mullet Fostering Bands

Now if this isn't an obvious topic, I don't know what is. Growing up in Oshawa (aka the Shwa), the cultural crotch of Ontario at the time, I am over-qualified to write this list. And so, with a quick sign of the devil, a shot of JD and a pen knife to the gut of the goof who was lookin' at my old lady's tits, here it comes - raise a little hair y'all!:

1. Trooper
2. Kim Mitchell/Max Webster
3. April Wine
4. Chilliwack
5. Steppenwolf
6. Head Pins (Did Darby Mills sport the first giant Canadian female mullet?)
7. Brighton Rock
8. Loverboy
9. Triumph
10. Helix

Top 15 Worst Canadian TV Productions

The speculation ran rampant and wild yesterday on the contents of this highly anticipated list. Now, you can all finally get some much needed sleep and relieve yourselves in what ever manner you see fit. Fly free sweet blogaholics and let the juices of hapiness flow like wine!

And now, on to the list. There have been so many absolutely fucking retarded Canadian TV shows that this was a not an easy task. In fact, I lengthened the list- only for today- to a whopping 15 so-called productions. And without further nose and ass holding, here they are...

Top 15 Worst Canadian TV Productions

1. Smith and Smith
2. Rita And Friends
3. The Rene Simard Show
4. Tiny Talent Time
5. Royal Canadian Air Farce
6. 100 Huntley Street
7. Party Game
8. To Serve and Protect
9. Super Dave Osbourne
10. Ed's Night Party
11. The Littlest Hobo
12. Jonovision
13. The Polka Dot Door
14. Train 48
15. Little Mosque on the Prairie

Top Ten Classic Canadian TV Productions

Top Ten Classic Canadian TV Productions:

1. Rick Mercer's Talking to Americans
2. The Kids in the Hall
3. SCTV
4. City Limits (all night weekend video show that launched Wayne's World)
5. Hockey Night in Canada!
6. Trailer Park Boys
7. The New Music with JD Roberts and Jeannie Becker
8. The Tom Green Show
9. Tales of the Riverbank
10. Bizarre

Tune in tomorrow for my list of the worst!

Top Ten Sexiest Canadian Women

Instead of posting today on the self-destructive attack ads the federal conservatives are currently airing and how the party has become its own undoing, I am going to a much better, warmer place in my mind - and it ain't Carolina baby.

Here now is my list of the Top Ten Sexiest Canadian Women , just off the top of my pants:

1. Avril Lavigne
2. Chantal Kreviazuk
3. Mitsou Gelinas
4. Kathryn Humphreys (City TV Toronto sports reporter)
5. Shannon Tweed (She's a Newfie!)
6. Sarah McLachlan
7. Lisa Rani Ray (star of Bollywood Hollywood)
8. Wendy Mesley
9. Josee Chouinard
10. Shania Twain

Top Ten '80s Euro-Metal Records

And now, the next in my series of completely selfish, pointless lists of metallic memories. These are examples of virtuoso-level Euro melodic metal goodness. Anyone with an appreciation of the difficulty in perfoming acrobatic musicianship will definitely appreciate these masterpieces. These are some of the fucking heaviest guitar and vocal records of all time to me. If you haven't heard 'em you really should!

1. Alcatrazz - No Parole From Rock 'n Roll
   
2. Gary Moore - Dirty Fingers
   
3. Michael Schenker Group - Assault Attack
   
4. Ronnie James Dio - Last in Line
   
5. Rainbow- Straight Between The Eyes
6. Yngwie Malmsteen - Marching Out
   
7. Scorpions - Blackout
   
8. Ozzy Osbourne - Diary of a Madman
9. Michael Schenker Group- Built to Destroy
   
10. Alcatrazz - Disturbing the Peace
    

Top 10 Early '80s Metal Records

While I realize that most of you could not give a flying rat's ass fuck about this, I am posting it because I can, for posterity's sake. I thought the random Googlers out there might want to read my list of the Top 10 Early '80s Metal Records that I own and cherish. I could not live without these energetic babies.

Without further ado, here they are in random order:

1. Tank - Filth Hounds of Hades
2. Iron Maiden - Killers
3. Judas Priest - Point of Entry
4. Saxon - Denim and Leather
5. Tygers of Pan Tang - Spellbound
6. Motorhead - Ace of Spades
7. Anvil- Metal on Metal
8. Accept- Balls To The Wall
9. Iron Maiden - Number of the Beast
10. Raven - All For One

My 5 Best Qualities of a Modern Canadian Man

Just so you didn't think I was bullshitting you yesterday, here is my list of the qualities that I think Canadian** men should strive to improve- always and forever. To me, there is no static state of perfection or achievement. As much as we achieve as humans in one aspect of our lives, we also fall backward or stagnate in some other aspect. That said, I have to say that this list applies to women as well.

Compassion- Striving to understand where others are coming from and adjusting our ears, hearts, opinions and fists accordingly: Their contexts, their feelings, their histories, their biases are just as important as our own. Most conflict arises from not respecting this point.

Intelligence- Pursuing higher learning on any level in life. Whether it is in a trade, an art, a philosophy, a humanistic pursuit, a domestic responsibility, etc. Also, we should spread that knowledge with an open mind. Teaching is just as important as learning and teachers must constantly learn from those they teach.

Balance- Respecting that our lives can and should be augmented by a breadth of interests and pursuits. At the same time, recognizing that focus on only one or a few of those potentials is limiting and makes us shallow and stupid. On the other end of the spectrum, spreading our lives too thin among competing priorities also makes us shallow and stupid. Above all, balancing worldly responsibilities and frivolous (but necessary) distractions with the needs of our souls and the needs of the souls closest to ours is balance.

Judicious Discretion - Using power judiciously. Understanding that if by supporting the rights of one we take from another and they suffer, that injustice needs to be addressed or ameliorated at any cost. Killing only if need be in self-defence or in direct defense of others' lives. Spending and conserving wisely.

Communicative Openness- Taking time in life to reflect on, identify and understand one's inner self. Openly expressing our feelings and philosophies to others without fear of vulnerability. Admitting our vulnerability makes us strong.

**I say Canadian because this is where I live and is the culture I am most familiar with. Why do I think these should be Canadian qualities per se? Only because they reflect the kind of society we have built here in a traditionally fairly liberal, relatively socially-conscious state. Of course, this is all just my opinion.

Note: For those of you who aren't sure how this works. Once you are tagged you may participate by writing a post on this topic and linking back to the permalink for this original post in your piece. Then you should "tag" 5 others with the responsibility of continuing the meme onward. As long as you include a link to my post in yours I will be able to track all of the action and do a wrap-up post in a couple of weeks summarizing the best posts and some demographic data.

Now I am officially tagging 5 more bloggers:
Scott Tribe
Red Jenny
Polly Jones
A Little Thought at Just Society
KevvyD at Blevkog

5 Best Qualities of a Modern Canadian Man

I am issuing a meme/theme post challenge to all Progressive Bloggers out there. I think it's important that we attempt to discuss: 5 Best Qualities of a Modern Canadian Man

The idea behind this is to reflect on the ideal of the modern (post-post-modern?) Canadian man in relation to the old school, traditional one. Where are we going as a gender? Are we on the right path? What baggage do we need to ditch and what qualities should we be aspiring to?

Is there are an archetypical modern Canadian man you would point to who exemplifies the best of what the gender has to offer the world, country, community and family? Alternatively, do you feel this exercise merely objectifies men as a gender? Should we be talking about the modern Canadian 'person' instead of dividing the sexes?

I would love to see what you diverse blogaholics think about this subject, because I really believe we don't talk about it enough (at all?). Hopefully, we can try to focus on this in a fairly non-partisan way- though I'm sure everyone's ideas will be coloured by their own political, religious, cultural and socio-economic views.

Give it a shot and let me know if you did... I will write my inaugural post tomorrow.

Just to get things rolling, I will pick a few bloggers to tag with the burden.They in turn will tag others and so on... Here's my list:
ChuckerCanuck
KarmaCake
Joanne
Joe Calgary
Romana King

Please help pass the word on!

Canadians for Exile

So, we've all heard the story this morning about the American judge who exiled the teacher who slept with his student to Canada, right? In the event that you haven't, read this (click HERE). Here's hoping this remarkably innovative judge's decision withstands legal scrutiny. Just think of the possibilities. It would give us the perfect excuse to clean a little house in Canada, if we could hook up some kind of reciprocal agreement with the U.S.

Here is a partial list* I've composed of possible candidates for permanent exile to the good ole U. S. of A. Feel free to add/disagree!:

Howie Mandell
Stephen Harper, John Baird and Jim Flaherty
The Toronto Maple Leafs
Chad Krueger and Nickleback
Conrad Black (his exile order would be pre-filled-out just in case he tries to weasel back over the border)
Ezra Levant
Massari/Shawn Desmond
Don Newman
Matt Dusk
Ben Mulroney
The Canadian Taxpayers Federation
Belinda Stronach
Robin Black

*There is no theme underpinning this list other my own personal cultural, social, artistic and/or political arrogance, of which I am fully aware.

PRIDE Queerics

In honour of PRIDE week, I've put together a few of my fave classic queerics. Can you name the song and band? (No googling cheaters! And pls., only one answer per comment.):

1. "This is not a locker room. And that's a surfboard not a yacht."
2. "Eat meat on friday that's alright. Even like steak on a Saturday night. I can bitch the best at your social dos. I get high in the evening sniffing pots of glue."
3. "Pushed around and kicked around. Always a lonely boy. You were the one that they'd talk about around town. As they put you down."
4. "Beauty's where you find it, not just where you bump and grind it".
5."Dear Mummy, Dear Daddy: Now I'm nineteen as you see. I'm handsome, tall, and strong. So what the hell gives you the right to look at me, as if to say "Hell, what went wrong?"
6. If you like adventure, don't you wait to enter, the recruiting office fast. Don't you hesitate. There is no need to wait. They're signing up new seamen fast!"
7. "What's the principal doing with her? Who's the guy? Is he screwing with her? What's her perfume? Tigress by Faberge. It make me cream my jeans when she come my way."
8. "If I, I get to know your name, well I, could trace your private number, baby."
9. "We want lovin', we want laughter again. We want heartbeat, we want madness to end. We want dancin', we wanna run in the streets. We want freedom, to live in this peace."
10. "Sometimes the clothes, do not make the man."

Bone-us question: "Bound to deliver as you give and I collect. Squealing impassioned as the rod of steel injects. Lunge to the maximum, spread-eagled to the wall. You're well equipped to take it all !!!"

Happy PRIDE kiddies, K