Top 10 Reasons I'm Going to Boot You in the Nuts...
...the next time I see you.
- Because I can't stand the way you constantly whistle. What the fuck? No one is that happy.
- Because you voted for John Baird, you damned Ne-peon.
- Because Jesus came to me as I slept last night, sprinkled magical heaven dust stuff on my open slobbering mouth, gave me a homoerotic massage and whispered very specific evil nut-attacking orders into my stupefied ear. Oh, and I am susceptible to such coercion because I am an undead Jesus zombie, whose skull was opened one night and whose brain was replaced with a nerf football and a cup full of Aunt Jemima syrup. Mmmm...
- Because you stole my Eggo.
- Because the night...belongs to lovers.
- Because God was cruel and already removed the shaft. I'll really just be saving you from ironic redundancy.
- Because my school science project mandates that I discover whether or not my foot can generate the velocity required to make your testes look exactly like bald, pink baby hamsters after the shoe box they live in is (accidentally) run over by a drunk Portuguese guy in a rusted-out Z-28.
- Because...I can.
- Because you plied my pet goat with a bucket of kahlua and milk, took him out to a stock car race (that he naively enjoyed by the way) and then casually date-raped him in the back of your station wagon on the way home as he puked. You sick fucker.
- Because Kurt Cobain is dead and I can't take repressing my overwhelming grief any longer! You are just the unfortunate recipient of my act of healing. But thanks for helping.
Labels: Stupid Lists, Top Lists
posted by K-Dough at 3:06 PM
40 Comments:
What the hell???
If I ask really nicely can I borrow that toad you've been licking?
1. Because you drive a Hummer
2. Because you asked me for a hummer
3. The planets are in alignment.
4. You look like you like Rap, sing Rap, might know someone who likes or signs rap.
5. Alien mind control lasers made me do it.
6. Foyer is pronounced foi-ey not Foi-er, damnit!
7. You believe, GDP, CPI, unemployment figures are accurate and trust the Government not to lie.
8. You think it's rational to pay a high school dropout 10 million a year to play with his balls.
9 You think a sports star is a better role model than a scientist, writer or enviromentalist.
10. You took my seat on the Go Train. My seat, the one I use every trip. The one with my ass grove all dented in and perfect.
Because if I can't have them, no one can!
You pussycats is the kwaziest peoples.
I like the tone of participatory stupidity emerging here.
I think it may be time for an extended political topic hiatus (except in emergencies) and a plunging further into the bag- shrinking cold waters of conspicuous nonsense.
That's what I'm feeling any way. What say the gallery?
I'd like to kick people in the nuts for being shady, corner cutting business fucks. Not a day goes by that I don't deal with these cheap scum-fucks.
Re: political stuff...I'm surprised you're taking a break, what with the Toronto councillors group photo hissy-fit and Garth Turncoat. Come to think of it though, there's not much room for commentary or debate on those.
Yup, let's stick with the juvenile stuff: Too many suicide chicken wings last night...I took a shit this morning that looked like buck-shot.
Actually, this is a step up from most political blogging!
And your lists' Rabelasian qualities, and indeed, their gargantuan quantities, may turn into something of far more literary value than the fat-headed chatter we're accustomed to.
Seriously, how lasting is most political blogging? These lists say something.
ALT -thanks dude. To be frank, I am seriously sick of all the recycled news whores out there.
That is what political blogging has turned into for the most part. Everyone and their retarded pet monkey cuts and pastes MSM articles and then writes two or three partisan or uninformed comments around it.
For now at least, I'm sticking to stupid like a wet curtain. Anyone who doesn't like it can blow me. For that matter, anyone who does like it can blow me too.
Before reading number 10, I thought you had gone crazy. After I read number 10, I got really sad for you since I thought you must be really sad that this person died, unfortunately when I looked through today's news, I didn't see any news about Kurt Cobain's death. So I had to google him. When wikipedia told me that you are still grieving for a musician who died 13 years ago, I seriously thought about kicking you but virtual kick is all I can give;)
Joanne, are you serious? You didn't know who Kurt Cobain was? Either I'm getting really old or you are really young.
K-dough,
I don't have nuts so I'm not worried.
Joanne- ha! Don't worry about me sweetie. This is the real me speaking.
I'm finally out and it feels fabulous!
If you think this stuff is crazy wait till I get over my shy stage....
Pam, when he died, I was just 7 years old. Plus, I am not into the whole music thing. I could never play any kind of musical instrument and I am not much into listening to music either. The only reason I know current day musicians and singers is because I watch TV. But I do get mocked occasionally for my music world ignorance.
K, shy stage? I thought you had already passed that stage. Now I am curious to see what you will do when you are not shy.
By the way, I see that you changed to the new blogger, now I don't have to sign in before I post.
Joanne- shy stage? Yes. Now, I am like a stupid, but beautiful, butterfly cautiously emerging from my cocoon of pretending to know- all wet, slimey and drooling like a buggish idiot.
How ya like me now?
well at least you are a butterfly, not a bee not matter how slimey and wet you are.
Hmmm, I am very sleepy.
J- Well, not entirely true- I may float like a butterfly but I definitely sting like a bee.
I am all things to no people, and nothing to most.
Are you talkin' to me?
I know bee stings. When I was a kid, each summer at least once I would get a bee sting on my eye lids. I hate bees and bees hate me and we don't get along very well.
Joanne- No fucking kidding? Just a couple of summers ago I was stung on the eye by one of those giant black and white striped wasps at an outdoor party.
Good thing someone had percocets and that I was already drunk!
K, I wasn't drunk but at least it wasn't one of the black bees. Still it used to be itchy like hell and you know how I couldn't scratch the back of my eyes so I had to suffer. But that is exactly what you get when you are being naughty and you are throwing stones at bee hives.
Wow!!! Now THIS is a meme that inspires me.
Sheena- I always pegged you as a serial bag kicker.
Joanne, true story: When I was a young teen, I found a huge bloody nest in my parents' hedge. A helpful neighbour told me to wait until it was dark, then hold a burning torch in front of the hole...the theory being that the bees would fly into the flame, thinking it was daylight or some stupid thing.
I tied a burning rag to a long stick when it got dark, held it in front of the entry/exit hole and....the whole nest caught on fire. I ran down the street with a cloud of bees chasing me, some on fire. Got my ass stung off.
I think I've heard a similar handy household hint, but I'd never try it...I would have suggested it to some guy (brother, boyfriend, husband) just to be safe.
My son stepped on a nest and was stung 8 or 9 times. I felt so bad for him, but he loves the bragging rights.
Hey! Leggo my Eggo!
I had my crotch set on fire by a drunk chick with a cigarette in her mouth who passed out on my lap once in the back of a van.
Burned straight through my jeans. Very tight jeans.
Oh Pam... what happened to your son happened to me when I was 12, out picking raspberries on grandpa's farm and stepped on top of old boards. About a dozen stings, but my little 2 year old cousin got it even worse than I did.
I had some wasps living on my last apartment balcony in Ottawa, but they seemed pretty harmless. Only really became a problem when I cooked with garlic and wore white shoes after Labour Day.
Sheena- you so funny lound eye.
Surely, EVERYBODY here has set their hair on fire in the 80's whilst crimping/spraying/smoking a joint/ whatever?
Quick whisping sound, brief panic followed by what can only be described as rotting cadaver smell.
...OR by getting it caught in your sister's easy Bake Oven while making late night mini-hash brownies!
My sister set her hair on fire on her birthday slamming back a Flaming Flamingo. She was loaded and didn't blow it out. It was priceless.
LOL! The giant head-scab must have been an issue.
Great band name alert:
Giant Head Scab at Sneaky Dee's This Friday!
Not until the next day. She was feeling no pain that night. Whenever I am out with friends and someone has one of those flaming drinks (birthdays or whatever) I always have to say "BLOW IT OUT!!" and everyone looks at me like I'm an idiot.
LOL!! Special guests, The Dried Scrotum Flakes.
Pam- I'll make sure to buy you a flaming sambuca soon!
Thanks, K. I'll be sure to blow it out.
K=dough:usually you are tolerably sweet, but today you are a pugnacious bastard wielding an unruly (right or left) ball bashing foot. Where do you get off thinking you're so omnipotent that you can dick around with my buddies God & Jesus ???!!! How come you're so careless today ? It's maybe not too late to prostrate yourself, recant & live a peacable life. I mean every word of this (except the swear word).
the above missive is actually V-Doe's, not anonymous's...perhaps I'm afraid of reproach from my blistering words....
Oh c'mon Ma- even Jesus had a sense of humour- well at least according to Andrew Lloyd Webber.
The Catholic crowd feels like they should go to confession after reading #3, but we are thankful that you didn't drag the Blessed Virgin into it.
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