Top 10 Reasons I'm Going Straight To Hell
- Masturbated in church. Well, not really in a church per se, but on Church Street in the public washroom at Tim Horton's. Every day for 6 years.
- On a dare, tore the label off a mattress without buying it.
- Got really drunk and puked on St. Peter's dress at a film festival schmooze thing at Holt Renfrew on Bloor Street, 2001.
- When I was 16, thought it was really funny to get a giant 666 - The Number of the Cheek tattooed on my ass. God wasn't laughing.
- 5 words: Official Manson Fan Club Member.
- Don't wear underwear some times.
- If you don't know by now, you are ridiculously naive and you haven't read this blog's archives or heard about my infamous sexploits. Which reminds me, would you like to get together for a drink some time?
- Played ball hockey with Anton Lavey for a whole season, after which, we often went out for wings and beer together or to the Zanzibar.
- Our wedding song was Ozzy's Mr. Crowley and instead of having a wedding cake we sacrificed a virgin pig, which we later ate raw in an orgastic trance, naked and covered in blood and chocolate pudding.
- Sex, drugs and rock 'n roll baby!
Labels: Stupid Lists, Top Lists
posted by K-Dough at 6:02 PM
38 Comments:
How do you know the pig was a virgin?
Pam- It was one uggggggggly (but tasty) pig.
Plus, we only ever had Clinton-style sex. That doesn't really count does it?
LOL!
Aren't we all going to hell? I just plan to make a detour to my bed before going to hell to catch up on my sleep. I suggest that you and Pam also do the same since you are also up so early.
I think that on pure technicality, I can get you into purgatory. That being the case, you just MIGHT be able to bypass Hades.
Now that is not to say that your stint in the 'Purg' won't be for quite a few millenia. Perhaps 3 or 4. Bottom line is, I can get you off.
Now this is not going to be cheap. But, if you are willing, HELL does not necesarily have to be the final sentence in your case.
Interested???
I know the road to Hell is paved with good intentions, but I didn't realize the way to Purgatory was laid down by lawyers. Geez!
Oh, and K-dough, that wedding feast pig was the best raw pig I ever had to eat. Thanks again for that.
Leftdog: you said: Bottom line is, I can get you off.
Well, that's pretty much my bottom line- day in, day in.
Homo- you said "Oh, and K-dough, that wedding feast pig was the best raw pig I ever had to eat."
Well, it sounded a little more pagan than it was in reality. I mean the entrails were sauteed in a Cranberry reduction by the chef from Bistro 990.
My legendary persona knows no cultural, sexuality or taste boundaries.
*On more than one opportunity took straws out of the holder at the bar, stuck them up my nose and put them back.
*Stole a fire extinguisher from the university campus and took it home in a taxi.
*Went to the Bay to buy new sheets because I was too lazy to do laundry and had two dates on back-to-back nights.
*Made the student council president cry in Grade 12 by going all Trudeau on her ass and demanding a full constitutional overhaul.
Oh, wow... I don't think I can stop at 10... might have to come back to this one too...
Sheena- ha! back-to-back nights or back-on-back nights?
Sweet.
Save the rest for the pub!
I don't think you're going to hell. After all, even Satan has a reputation to protect. You'd just drag the place down, man.
Harding: I can't believe that you, of all the dark, malevolent souls out there are dissing me like that...
well, at least your going Straight, not that there's anything wrong with...well, you know, so leftdog may be right "you just MIGHT be able to bi pass Hades"
anyways, could it be that this life is hell? if so, where do we go from here? ;0
Jacobin: Where do we go from here?
Amsterdam? Las vegas?
You pick.
My favorite Manson song is the cover he does on the soundtrack for Lost Highway.
"I don't care if you don't want me, cause I'm yours, yours, yours, anyhow"
Wow. Reminds me of my high school crushes...
ps. Straight to hell is better than a pitstop in purgatory --- that's like being stuck in Saskatoon.
CC- wow- does the dark blue side know you know Manson lyrics? You'd be excommunicated!!!!!!
Hmm, Chucker...I think, and in fact I'm counting on a pit stop in purgatory. I've always pictured it a little like happy hour on a Friday after work. It's a place to meet friends, somewhere between work and home.
My theory? Earthly existence is purgatory...
Wow- that will probably cast a dim pall over the evening...
LOL Pam!
Just so we're clear: there are drinks, but they have no alcohol and originate from a Jack Lelane juicer. Arrgggh!
I say, go murder someone or seek redemption fast - purgatory sucks!
K-Dough is a closet Bhuddist!!
I guess we are all going to end up an hell for some reason or other. My ticket to hell was bought when I turned 5 years old. That is when I made god angry.
(and technically, since Manson was doing a cover, I don't know any Manson lyrics. But I do watch Muchmusic when the video is about shaking booty. Then, after its over, I feel really, really guilty).
I came out years ago dude. Why do you think I'm using this blog to confess? Just clearing up a little karma deficit...
When I was 5 yrs old, I thought I was going to hell because I would count the recessed lights in the ceiling of Resurection of our Lord Church.)
(Now, I'm going to hell because I'm not sure how to spell resurection.)
(Doubly so, because when I type resurection, I giggle like a school boy).
but you shouldn't WANT to blog, K-Dough. That's your problem.
Joanne- You made God angry at 5? Huh? It took me until I was at least 12.
Do tell...
CC: But haven't you noticed blogging gets rid of all the hair on your palms dude? Perfect for Catholics...
My sister pushed me in a confessional BEFORE my 1st reconciliation, and I went in and LIED to the priest. He asked when I'd had my last confession and I mumbled a few weeks. So I guess I'll go to hell for that but my sister will be there, too.
I actually ran into my priest skiing today (for real) and he said "Hmm..what's your name again?" and laughed. Noone likes a funny priest.
Well K, it happened that I argued with my sis and I wanted my dad to take my side and he didn't take anyone's side so I decided that I better scare him to taking my side. I went to the second floor balcony climbed the railing and sat with my legs dangling down towards the ground. My sis saw me, told my dad and that got me into lets say trouble. My decision to scare my dad with suicide didn't work and I made him and god angry.I can still remember a guy walking down the street looking up and having this shocked face.
with an ego like mine, I always lied in confession. I'd make up sins on the fly - always small, forgiveable sins. "I say mean things to my sister" I'd say. And the priest, loathing women generally, would be like, "that's what you want me to work with?"
Who knew y'all were religious and stuff.
Respectfully, that's why I love Budhhism- no one gets angry at you- no one makes you feel guilty. You are the only one in control of that shit. You get what give. Period.
But I am absolutely NOT preaching to you guys.
Faith is faith. As long as it's positive and not discriminatory I'm all for it.
CC- btw- I wish you could have made it next Friday. Won't be the same without ya dude.
No, Pam that only started at age 5. I have done worst things but I guess I have even left the worst of it all for coming years.
KD,
it will happen one day and it'll be a blast.
meanwhile, Bhuddists are all phonies. Sure, there's the Uma Thurman type purists, but the Bhuddists I know still consult calendars to figure out what dates are lucky for marriage and insist that a bride runs an egg from the groom's one pant leg to the next to encourage fertility.
Give me a pope anyday, I say. Even the real one.
To steal a line from Smenita- Oh no you di'int just diss Buddhism...
not Bhuddism, just Bhuddists.
Rolling down egg down the grooms pant, now that is something I would like to see.
K, careful with repeating those smentia sayings, you don't want to get her bug.
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