Media Mogul Mao Harper

What is this bullshit about a new media centre that Harper and his retarded flying monkeys are building? (HERE) Has Canada somehow been time-machined back into 1960s China? Next he'll be buying his own newspaper and torturing journalists in a dungeon, just like Conrad Black.

Dictatorial cocksucker.

Baby Harper Seals: Mmm!

While Canadian Premiers met to discuss the fate of the country this week in the Maritimes, Prime Minister Stephen Harper snowmobiled aimlessly through the ice fields of Canada's North, on a jet blue SkiDoo doling out small quantities of taxpayers' dollars to confused Northerners. Harper made several important announcements today over a breakfast of a fresh arctic lichen and whale blubber omelet and glacial ice coffee. The new initiatives include:

• The renaming of the famed Harp Seal to reflect the PM's visit: The animal will now be called the Harper Seal, and will be bred in government farms for meat. The government has reportedly signed a cross-marketing deal with McDonalds for the launch of the new McSealwich this fall.
• A $450 investment in a new native dental program, across the entire North, over the next 5 years.
• The establisment of a permanently staffed, 3 man snowshoe patrol, which will replace Canada's ageing Distant Early Warning nuclear launch system, currently attached by tags to the ears of 4 geriatric walruses who are in line for early retirement pensions.
• A tough-on-crime anti-igloo graffiti program.

Thank god someone is doing something worthwhile in Canada, as those selfish Premiers fiddle with Ashley MacIsaac while the country burns.

Pot-belly Persecuting Pot-heads

If you haven't heard, there is news today (HERE) that pot busts are up since Chretien's stoner bill died on the order paper a few years back. Yes, the men in blue are once again tickling the ideological prostates of the blue meanies on the hill in Ottawa.

It is ironic, though, that Harper doesn't support pot smokers, because he seems to have at least a few things in common with them. Both tend to spend inordinate amounts of time navel-gazing, eating junk food and eventually become emotionally disconnected with those closest to them.

What is this society coming to? All I know is next time you choose to blast a cap in the ass of some dude that dissed you in the parking lot at Burger King on Friday night, make sure you are not hauling off a big fattie while pulling the trigger -- you might actually have to spend some time in jail!

Peace out, yo.

Top 10 Harper Budget Leaks

...in advance of the upcoming faux-budget from minority government finance faker, pointy-faced little Jim 'Pot o Gold' Flaherty.

1. New 6% poverty tax. If you want to be lazy and poor you're gonna pay for the priviledge, you fucking leeches!
2. 3 cents on every GST dollar to go to oil and gas R&D and production subsidies.
3. The Green Strategy: Subsidies for farmers to help reduce cattle flatulence so we can all breath cleaner air and reduce global warming.
4. $2 billion foreign aid package to the next US Republican presidential campaign.
5. 43% reduction in Ontario transfer payments diverted to Quebec - just to teach McGuinty a lesson about "what happens tuh guys who knows too much".
6. $30 million towards a "Get Those Fucking Indians Out Of My Park" native relocation strategy.
   
7. Corporate welfare program for unemployed/incarcerated CEOs, including "Fresh Start", a new integration into politics program.
8. Tax rebates on golfing equipment, used pick up trucks, paramilitary family paint ball outings, hunting gear, game processing equipment and shot guns.
9. Upon submission of charitable donation receipt for support of heart association, the Ministry of Finance will send you a 40 oz Black Angus steak.
10. New "Be A Good Girl" tax credit for women who give birth to more than 5 children within a 6 year period and stay at home reading a bible and cooking.
    
    

Ees Gonna Be A Messy One Lucy

Ralph Goodale said this in the house yesterday after Stephen Harper loosely suggested Mississauga-Brampton South MP Navdeep Bains' family member was involved in the Air India investigation: "The Prime Minister has just confirmed that to him partisan advantage is everything, the truth does not matter, it is the allegation that counts. Never mind what the facts are in the final analysis."

GWyaB came to his li'l buddy Harper's defense, "Look, we don't negotiate with the turbanists. What's he got in there any ways? What's he hiding? WMDs?".

Top 10 Canadian Arse Lickers

Hey if Mary Walsh (nice boobs, eh?) can do it, so can K-Dough.

1. Peter Mackay
2. Belinda Stronach (tongues ass of all stripes)
3. Howie Mandel (ever see those Boston Pizza commercials?)
4. John Tory (and the ass depends on the position he's running for)
5. David Emerson
6. Garth Turner
7. Wajid Khan
8. Ben Mulroney (chin-in-ass disease)
9. Stephen Harper (but only if it's a really tight American sphincter)
10. K-Dough (ok, so sometimes I get over zealous and lose my way while venturing past the V Sector)

Note- Ok, so I just realized I cacked out on 4 smart ass possibilities. So I want YOU to write the bracketorial ass/bun pun for Mackay, Emerson, Turner and Khan.

Stevie Green Speaks Out

In a candid and exclusive (completely fabricated) interview with Stephen Harper on the occassion of the anniversary of his government's one year mandate-lite, K-Dough asked some probing Tiger Beat style questions of the Prince of Dullness. Here is what our PM had to say (I'm lying):

K-Dough: Mr. Harper, what's your favourite band?
Harper: Green Day. Hands down.
K-Dough: Wow. I have to say that's a little surprising to me, since they are pretty much anti-Bush and you are obviously a raving Bush ass and bag sucker. But whatever, that's cool man. Ok, what's your favourite thing to eat on a cold wintry day?
Harper: Green split-pea soup.
K-Dough: Nice. What about super heroes?
Harper: Golly gee, that's a toss up between the Green Lantern and The Incredible Hulk.
K-Dough: Hm, ok. I'm sensing a pattern here. And on we go: What was your favourite '60s show?
Harper: Green Acres. I loved that cute green pig.
K-Dough: Um, I believe the pig was a natural rosey pink colour sir.
Harper: Oh, right you are. I was thinking of ...uh... Green Green Grass of Home.
K-Dough: Uhhh huh. That's an American traditional song. (Getting impatient) Alright, let's just skip that one. What's your favourite colour?
Harper: Easy! Blu...er, (aide frantically waves cue card), why it's green, of course. You media guys are always trying to trick me aren't you? Must be because you are so fond of me. (Chuckles self-righteously. Bloated pale pop belly wiggles)
K-Dough: Look, are you ok dude? You are starting to sweat a lot.
Harper: Yes, of course. Please continue...
K-Dough: Alllllright, but I hafta say, you are really starting to fucking freak me out a bit Steve. Anything else you want to add to your, um, favourites list?
Harper: Yes, as a matter of fact, there are a few things. Let me see. (Takes out piece of paper from breast pocket) Ok, my favourite football team is the Green Bay Packers.
My favourite book is Green Eggs and Ham. My favourite holiday is St. Patrick's Day when they make the green pop. My favourite place is Greenland...my fav...
K-Dough: (Interrupting) Alright, enough of the cheap messaging bullshit. What's your favourite sexual position Mr. Prime Minister?
Harper: (Silence) Ummmmmmmm. You know, that's a good question. Let me see now. Ok, I've got it. Being on top, with the Green Party on the bottom.
K-Dough: No sir. I'm not talking about fucking people in politics. I'm talking base carnal pleasures. You know, blow jobs, intercourse, facials, golden showers, ass play, BDSM, girl on girl, boy on boy, boy on goat, ditch licking, feltching, reach arounds: stuff like that.
Harper: Ohhhhhhh, I see. (Nervously plays with neck tie. Pleadingly looks at aide, who merely shrugs and nods towards K-Dough) Did I already say Green Day? The Great Gazoo? Red Green?
K-Dough: Ok, look: you can save your cheap "appeal to the kids" pop culture references for Strombo and the CBC. If you really want to appeal to kids, you'll stop shaking their hands, step down and let someone with some real people appeal lead your about-to-be-kicked-in-the-balls party. Green my ass, Steve. Your green plan is the intellectual equivalent of all those idiot blond chicks who went out and bought accessory arm dogs just because Paris had one. This inteview is over. Fuck you very much jackass.

(K-Dough rips off microphone, stomps out of room into arms of waiting bikini babes and idling limo. Harper and aide shrug and hug.)

Harper (to aide): Wow, that guy really takes this stuff seriously huh? What a radical. Any way, whaddya say we fire up the SUV, run by Mickey D's and pick us up some of them sweet green milkshakes? Oh wait, are they making them yet? I'm not sure .... (SUV speeds off into the smog-filled distance)

A Maritime Cowboy in Asia

In another highly publicized Rumsfeldesque stunt, Peter "John Wayne" MacKay was in Kandahar yesterday. And once more, Canada's noble military tradition as neutral peacekeeper was stomped down another notch.

MacKay was mugging for the cameras and the cowboys back home, talking about how he was going to give Pakistan an earful on what it should be doing to help Canadians defeat the Taliban. The Toronto Star had this to say:

For all the upbeat talk about the pace of reconstruction in Kandahar's cities and villages – and there was a great deal of such talk by MacKay and by others – the harsh truth is that most of Canada's community development projects here are likely doomed to fail unless the security situation improves. "There are practical challenges we face," MacKay agreed. "We need a greater security perimeter in southern Kandahar.

My question: Do you think the brainiacs over at Foreign Affairs might have thought of picking up the phone and calling Russia to ask the government what they thought of the prospects of bringing peace to country with a history of a resilient, fierce insurgency? Do you think that they would have asked the Russians casually "hey guys, what do you think of our chances of bringing peace to an area peppered with skilled, experienced Taliban guerillas with a measly contingency of only 2-3,000 Canadian soldiers"?

But to be fair to the Foreign Affairs minister, foreign affairs is not really about understanding the tactical situation in other countries is it? Wait a second, maybe that was domestic affairs? No domestic affairs is all about goon hockey players having sex with daughters of billionaires...oh nevermind.

Harper's Hockey Hallucination

As if we needed further proof that Stevie Harpo was out of touch with reality and afflicted with the anti-common sense gene, he says this "I think the Leafs are really coming together as a franchise, I like the team this year, I think it's got no obvious weaknesses"*.

As we wrap up the 40th year anniversary of miserable, cupless Loaf history, I'll just say this to Harpie: Next spring, you'll be following the Leafs Nation right down to South Carolina, where the golfing is abundant, the soda pop flows like water and the people are much like the people you left behind in the West- back in Canada where you will once have had a job.

And don't fret Sad Stevie and you sick, misguided Loaf lovers: Down there they have CPAC and TSN as well, where you'll be able to catch all the playoff highlights and maybe even watch live as Prime Minister Dion salutes Les Habitantes as they hoist their 11th cup for the past 40 years and chart topping 25th cup overall!

Vives les tri-colores!!!

*OMNI Television interview quoted in the Toronto Star- article HERE.

Stockwell Day = Fucking Moron

Stockwell Day is a fucking moron. Hey, if every other blogger can write about it why can't I?

That's it -- show's over.

Nothing else to see here.

Put your greasy hands back in your pockets and surf on you rubber necked bastards.

(Who, did I mention, I love, by the way.)

Burning in Helltario

I caught an Environment Canada weather dude on TV the other day responding to call-in questions about climate change and the reason why the country is currently experiencing a Bizarro December. Brollys are getting bent and shovels bowed in BC and AB, while Toronto and Ottawa are virtually baking in spring fever. As the calls rolled in, weather dude tried to explain to panicked shorts-wearing revelationists that the warmer weather is not signalling the fiery end of the world as we know it.

Listening to the questions it became apparent that public fear is palpable here right now. Ski hills in Ontario are already lamenting the effect no snow has had on operations. People are wondering if global warming has finally switched off the snow lever for good. Is Southern Ontario turning into the Hades that Westerners have always known lay under the thin surface of it's magma-encrusted reality?

Well, thank god for public servants. Mr. Enviro-Canada did a most excellent job explaining that what you see when you look outside is weather, not climate. l couldn't help but wonder, as I sipped a Margarita on my front porch in my bath robe this morning and listened to the song birds, if somewhere, off camera, Stockwell Day stood glaring at the man, holding cue cards as the federal messaging police trained laser-sighted rifles on weather dude's crotch as Rona slithered, writhed and danced behind him, all oiled up in a G-String in a taunting manner.

(Alright. I know what you are thinking: What does Rona have to do with the context of the vision? Absolutely nothing, apart from the fact that environment is her portfolio. I just like the Neo-kons Gone Wild aspect of the fantasy!) What was I saying?

Weather? Climate? I'm confused. Oh well, either way, it's damn good bike ridin' weather out here in Helltario!

Greener Pastors

Ironic headline in the Toronto Star today reads: Federal Cabinet Shuffle Expected - New environment minister likely as Conservatives seek greener look. Shuffle? Call it what you want. I'd prefer to refer to it as the impending trashing at the polls, at which point every portfolio will be refilled with a much more intelligent human being. Well, maybe not every portfolio, but most.

As far as the "greener look" goes: I assure you Mr. Steve, the view from the opposition side of the House is as green (with envy) as it gets.

By the way Steve-o, if you are looking for a place to hide Rona why don't you shuffle her off to K-Dough's hood? I promise I'll take care of her (mwahahaha). My homies and I could make a few simple tweaks, sexify and modify that clearly misguided woman and turn her into the next, but stronger and more powerful, Belinda!

Kyoto, shmyoto; look out Toronto!

Political Cannon Fodder

Yesterday, the Bloc and Harper played a game of political chicken over supporting "the troops" versus suppporting "the war" (READ). It's the same bullshit game of spin that is played over and over in the U.S. between the Republicans and Democrats. It is designed to manipulate the emotions of the electorate. No one wants to be seen as not supporting "the troops". No, that would be...what? Principled?

Why doesn't anyone say what they really think? What half-intelligent, sane adult supports troops but not a war? Supporting troops that you knowingly send into pointless dangerous missions is not "supporting troops": It's supporting putting other people's lives in jeopardy for your own selfish ideology or idealism. You will never be able to support "the troops" unless you are out there taking a bullet in your gut for them or are tenderly holding their heads as they gurgle and choke to death on their own blood.

Give up the charade you straw men. You are politicians, they are walking lead slug targets. Sitting on your fat asses in Ottawa lecturing about supporting our boys 'n girls will never be good enough. You are making the decisions and they are dying. Granted, that's their job. But the troops are dying because of your decisions. You might as well be holding the smoking guns that kill them.

That's the real deal, you cowardly insects. Stop mind-fucking stupid Canadians with spineless spin. Be real men and say what you really think, if you have any remnant of pride or conscience.

Supporting troops- PFFFFT. How about supporting life?

Laughing Stockwell Day...

...fucks up again (READ). The best thing is he actually put in print his utter ignorance of and insensitivity to foreign affairs. Day published a factually barren column, completely misstating the political, historical and social situation of Mexico- a country he just visited as a representative of the government and people of Canada. What's more, he spelled the name of the Mexican president, whose inauguration he recently attended, incorrectly.

In Day's defense, his briefing before the trip consisted of this:


I can't wait until jackass-brained, beef-jerkey chewin' droolin' goobers like Day are once again banished to the backwoods of Shit-Fuck, B.C., where they can breed, read their bibles and shoot their guns with relatively low risk to the rest of civilized society.

Canada Upholds Gay Rights

175 MPs stood up and supported gay and human rights in Canada today. Huge kudos are in order for John Baird, Peter Mackay, Jim Prentice and David Emerson. You should be proud of yourselves today for voting against Stephen Harper's cynical attempt to tear people apart in Canada and trod on the established charter rights of our sisters and brothers.

The following MPs should be ashamed of letting their religious beliefs, intolerance, political aims or mean-spiritedness obscure their respect for the human rights of Canadians:

Liberals unworthy of the title: Jim Karygiannis, Derek Lee, Mr. Byrne. Mr. Wappel. Monsieur Bonier. Mr. Mcteague. Mr. Cullen. Mr. Mackay. Mr. Malley. Mr. Steckle. Mr. Tonks. Mr. Khan. Mr. Scarpaleggia.

Conservatives: Mr. O'Connor. Mr. Toews. Mr. Day. Mr. Flaherty. Mr. Clement. Mr. Strahl. Mr. Solberg. Mr. Hearn. Mrs. Hinton. Mr. Bernourge, Mr. Blackburn. Mr. Camp. Mr. Benoit. Mr. Breitkreuz. Mr. Hanger. Mr. Harris, Mr. Mills, Mr. Thompson, Mr. Williams. Mr. Anders, Mr. Casson. Mr. Mackenzie. Mr. Hebert. Mr. Kenney. Mr. Reid. Mr. Lauzon. Mrs. Yellich. Mr. Warawa. Mr. Doyle. Mr. Ritz. Mr. Fitzpatrick. Mr. Goldring. Mr. Albrecht. Mr. Allan. Mr. Lunny. Mr. Mark. Mr. Merrifield. Mr. Ragotte. Mr. Sorenson. Mr. Vellacott. Mr. Schellenberger. Mr. Alison. Mr. Batters. Mr. Bazan. Mr. Jaffer. Mr. Brown. Mr. Hawn. Mr. Lake. Monsieur Lemieux. Mr. Pallister. Mr. Epp. Mr. Mayes. Monsieur Pettite. Mr. Sweet. Mr. Van Kesteran. Mr. Wallace. etc...

A Vote Against Tolerance

Today, some elected representatives in our national parliament will be voting to say "While gays and lesbians currently enjoy the same rights and freedoms as all of us normal people, we think some of those rights should be revoked". Well, hell, while we are at it why don't we vote to revoke women's right to vote? Why don't vote to send 10 year olds into factories to fill the gap in supply of cheap manufacturing workers and maximize profits? In fact, why don't we just solve this problem at its root and vote to make Christianity our offical religion?

If Christianity were our official religion, then maybe we could all forget about these troubling, complex laws and live by the wonderful fairy tale lessons of the bible. It'd be great. We could all get married, have kids and go to church. And when our kids were old enough, we could send them off to other countries to maim and kill people who aren't Christians, because, hey, let's face it: God loves that shit. On the weekends, we could roast marshmallows over burning witches (i.e. university educated women) and covet our neighbours asses! Oops, wait that's a no no. I forgot that anything with the word ass in it is bad.

Turbans? Burkas? Sikh daggers? Male sarongs on Church Street? They'd all be banned. But all the barbarians would be compensated with free Jesus is My Homeboy shirts paid for by your tax dollars!

Look, Stephen Harper would have Canadians believe that he is doing this out of principle, but it is nothing more than cynical window-dressing for the ugly truth: He is trying to appease a portion of his constituency that is bitter and intolerant. And he is counting on ahandful of bitter, intolerant Liberal caucus members to help him. The only lynching these draconian fucking goobers will see - Liberal and neo-con alike- will be their own political lynching at the hands of their own defeat today.

Trample on others rights in your own backyards you insensitive assholes, but leave the established charter rights of citizens as valuable as your own children alone. Mark my words kiddies, Harper will burn at the polls for this.

UPDATE: I'm reposting this one today as well sexies. Vote is today. Harper and his cabinet ministers didn't even bother to stick around for the debate last night. It's that important to those hit 'n run social policy trolls.

Inkless Hells

I realize I'm a little late to the oiled up all-boy cell party on this one but it begged frothing comment. The Harpies are shutting down a pilot project that provided safe tattooing for inmates at 6 in-prison ink parlours. Any fool knows that needles and bloody procedures performed on the dermis can spread many conditions and/or diseases, the most deadly of which are AIDS and Hepatitis.

Harpie and his band of blue balled moralistic monkeys would rather sacrifice lives for a few political points with a handful of fearful Sunday School teachers in Alberta who think tattoos are the mark of Satan, but think it's mucho excellente to give a truck load of guns to a bunch of scared kids in a hostile foreign land to kill other scared kids. But hey, that's better than "spend(ing) taxpayers' money on providing tattoos for convicted criminals," says pasty white toast laughing-Stock-well Day.

This is one instance where the pen may indeed be deadlier than sword. Thousand of dirty cons (not the neo type) will be reverting to the age old technique of using unsterilized, rusty safety pins taped to old chewed-up pen shafts with black ink to practice their in-the-joint art. Yes, in the joint; where incidentally a lot of joints end up in, if you catch my drift.

Of course, once their sentences are served, many of those human graffiti walls will move back out into society to spread AIDS and other communicable diseases to their unsuspecting girlfriends and victims. Yeah, and that won't cost us hardworking taxpayers anything, right?

Baird Scared?

John Baird was already out there swinging at the scary shadows today on CBC NewsWorld. Yep, he got his Roger Ramjetesque mug in front of a camera as soon as he could today, slamming Dion on both policy and character. Baird's premature electioneering seems a prophecy of things to come, sooner than later, don't ya think?

Who knew that such a quiet man could inspire such panicky large-mouthed blathering...

I Second That E-Motion

Only time for a quickie today: The Tories are complaining that Michael Chong didn't give Harper any warning about his resignation over the nation motion (READ). Um, last I heard they didn't even ask him - the Unity Minister- what he thought about the Quebec motion in the first place. They got confused and asked a former Liberal MIA Minister instead. In Chong's defence, maybe he was confused that day as well and gave a heads up about his resignation to Bill Graham. Damn those out of date Parliament Hill speed dials.

Either way, the baby whining really takes the shit out of their only tangible victory so far in this mandate, doncha think?

Tax Cuts and blah blah blah

Jim Flaherty, that little pointy faced evil leprichaun, is just about to deliver his econometric vision for the next 5,000 years. Rumours amongst the punditry say he will promise to "eliminate the total government debt in a generation". Of course, with technological advances, the lifespan of a generation has been calculated by Tory math whizes as increasing to 400 years within the next 5 minutes. So, if my calculations are correct, that means our air will be clean by the year 3,234 and our surplus will increase to $80 trillion by 2056. I might be a little off on those numbers but that's K-Dough's preliminary prediction. Bank on it!

Of course, this all hangs on the thread of a sustained Tory minority for the next 239 years. Oh, and all the poor, lame or sick people will have to be sent to Greenland, forever.

Update: Following Jimbo Shrimp's presentation, John McCallum pointed out it would take 160 years to eliminate the national debt using Flaherty's model.