Stevie Green Speaks Out
In a candid and exclusive (completely fabricated) interview with Stephen Harper on the occassion of the anniversary of his government's one year mandate-lite, K-Dough asked some probing Tiger Beat style questions of the Prince of Dullness. Here is what our PM had to say (I'm lying):
K-Dough: Mr. Harper, what's your favourite band?
Harper: Green Day. Hands down.
K-Dough: Wow. I have to say that's a little surprising to me, since they are pretty much anti-Bush and you are obviously a raving Bush ass and bag sucker. But whatever, that's cool man. Ok, what's your favourite thing to eat on a cold wintry day?
Harper: Green split-pea soup.
K-Dough: Nice. What about super heroes?
Harper: Golly gee, that's a toss up between the Green Lantern and The Incredible Hulk.
K-Dough: Hm, ok. I'm sensing a pattern here. And on we go: What was your favourite '60s show?
Harper: Green Acres. I loved that cute green pig.
K-Dough: Um, I believe the pig was a natural rosey pink colour sir.
Harper: Oh, right you are. I was thinking of ...uh... Green Green Grass of Home.
K-Dough: Uhhh huh. That's an American traditional song. (Getting impatient) Alright, let's just skip that one. What's your favourite colour?
Harper: Easy! Blu...er, (aide frantically waves cue card), why it's green, of course. You media guys are always trying to trick me aren't you? Must be because you are so fond of me. (Chuckles self-righteously. Bloated pale pop belly wiggles)
K-Dough: Look, are you ok dude? You are starting to sweat a lot.
Harper: Yes, of course. Please continue...
K-Dough: Alllllright, but I hafta say, you are really starting to fucking freak me out a bit Steve. Anything else you want to add to your, um, favourites list?
Harper: Yes, as a matter of fact, there are a few things. Let me see. (Takes out piece of paper from breast pocket) Ok, my favourite football team is the Green Bay Packers.
My favourite book is Green Eggs and Ham. My favourite holiday is St. Patrick's Day when they make the green pop. My favourite place is Greenland...my fav...
K-Dough: (Interrupting) Alright, enough of the cheap messaging bullshit. What's your favourite sexual position Mr. Prime Minister?
Harper: (Silence) Ummmmmmmm. You know, that's a good question. Let me see now. Ok, I've got it. Being on top, with the Green Party on the bottom.
K-Dough: No sir. I'm not talking about fucking people in politics. I'm talking base carnal pleasures. You know, blow jobs, intercourse, facials, golden showers, ass play, BDSM, girl on girl, boy on boy, boy on goat, ditch licking, feltching, reach arounds: stuff like that.
Harper: Ohhhhhhh, I see. (Nervously plays with neck tie. Pleadingly looks at aide, who merely shrugs and nods towards K-Dough) Did I already say Green Day? The Great Gazoo? Red Green?
K-Dough: Ok, look: you can save your cheap "appeal to the kids" pop culture references for Strombo and the CBC. If you really want to appeal to kids, you'll stop shaking their hands, step down and let someone with some real people appeal lead your about-to-be-kicked-in-the-balls party. Green my ass, Steve. Your green plan is the intellectual equivalent of all those idiot blond chicks who went out and bought accessory arm dogs just because Paris had one. This inteview is over. Fuck you very much jackass.
(K-Dough rips off microphone, stomps out of room into arms of waiting bikini babes and idling limo. Harper and aide shrug and hug.)
Harper (to aide): Wow, that guy really takes this stuff seriously huh? What a radical. Any way, whaddya say we fire up the SUV, run by Mickey D's and pick us up some of them sweet green milkshakes? Oh wait, are they making them yet? I'm not sure .... (SUV speeds off into the smog-filled distance)
K-Dough: Mr. Harper, what's your favourite band?
Harper: Green Day. Hands down.
K-Dough: Wow. I have to say that's a little surprising to me, since they are pretty much anti-Bush and you are obviously a raving Bush ass and bag sucker. But whatever, that's cool man. Ok, what's your favourite thing to eat on a cold wintry day?
Harper: Green split-pea soup.
K-Dough: Nice. What about super heroes?
Harper: Golly gee, that's a toss up between the Green Lantern and The Incredible Hulk.
K-Dough: Hm, ok. I'm sensing a pattern here. And on we go: What was your favourite '60s show?
Harper: Green Acres. I loved that cute green pig.
K-Dough: Um, I believe the pig was a natural rosey pink colour sir.
Harper: Oh, right you are. I was thinking of ...uh... Green Green Grass of Home.
K-Dough: Uhhh huh. That's an American traditional song. (Getting impatient) Alright, let's just skip that one. What's your favourite colour?
Harper: Easy! Blu...er, (aide frantically waves cue card), why it's green, of course. You media guys are always trying to trick me aren't you? Must be because you are so fond of me. (Chuckles self-righteously. Bloated pale pop belly wiggles)
K-Dough: Look, are you ok dude? You are starting to sweat a lot.
Harper: Yes, of course. Please continue...
K-Dough: Alllllright, but I hafta say, you are really starting to fucking freak me out a bit Steve. Anything else you want to add to your, um, favourites list?
Harper: Yes, as a matter of fact, there are a few things. Let me see. (Takes out piece of paper from breast pocket) Ok, my favourite football team is the Green Bay Packers.
My favourite book is Green Eggs and Ham. My favourite holiday is St. Patrick's Day when they make the green pop. My favourite place is Greenland...my fav...
K-Dough: (Interrupting) Alright, enough of the cheap messaging bullshit. What's your favourite sexual position Mr. Prime Minister?
Harper: (Silence) Ummmmmmmm. You know, that's a good question. Let me see now. Ok, I've got it. Being on top, with the Green Party on the bottom.
K-Dough: No sir. I'm not talking about fucking people in politics. I'm talking base carnal pleasures. You know, blow jobs, intercourse, facials, golden showers, ass play, BDSM, girl on girl, boy on boy, boy on goat, ditch licking, feltching, reach arounds: stuff like that.
Harper: Ohhhhhhh, I see. (Nervously plays with neck tie. Pleadingly looks at aide, who merely shrugs and nods towards K-Dough) Did I already say Green Day? The Great Gazoo? Red Green?
K-Dough: Ok, look: you can save your cheap "appeal to the kids" pop culture references for Strombo and the CBC. If you really want to appeal to kids, you'll stop shaking their hands, step down and let someone with some real people appeal lead your about-to-be-kicked-in-the-balls party. Green my ass, Steve. Your green plan is the intellectual equivalent of all those idiot blond chicks who went out and bought accessory arm dogs just because Paris had one. This inteview is over. Fuck you very much jackass.
(K-Dough rips off microphone, stomps out of room into arms of waiting bikini babes and idling limo. Harper and aide shrug and hug.)
Harper (to aide): Wow, that guy really takes this stuff seriously huh? What a radical. Any way, whaddya say we fire up the SUV, run by Mickey D's and pick us up some of them sweet green milkshakes? Oh wait, are they making them yet? I'm not sure .... (SUV speeds off into the smog-filled distance)
Labels: Environment, Harpocrites, Politics
posted by K-Dough at 10:02 AM
47 Comments:
Brilliant.
Every politician that you see now claims to be a green politician. They are so green that they probably need Gravol.
Joanne: Ha. It's getting ridiculous. Last year, they didn't give a shit. This year they do. And the irony is the public didn't really care either until Ambrose unveiled her 1,000 year clean air plan.
What am I saying. I don't believe the self-serving, consumerist me-nation public gives a shit about the environment at all.
It's all media really. They are the ones saying the next election is going to be about the environment.
The most absurd thing about it all is that Harper obviously cares what the media think, despite his claims that he doesn't.
Yes, absurd is the only way to describe it.
LOL!!!
Yes, but it's comforting that it's being talked about. (In a "your cheque is in the mail" kinda way.)
BTW, ditch licking is underrated.
K, even people right now only care about the enivronment because we are having a very mild winter. Had it been cold as it was supposed to be, people wouldn't really care a bit about climate change or global warming.
Leather: Respectfully: Talking does not = doing.
Joanne: Good point. The public's fear of warm winters is kind of like Polynesians thinking the Gods were angry when volcanoes erupted.
It's definately time to abolish, outlaw outright, completely obliterate, destroy, and eviserate every political party.
Make every one of the fuckers run as independents, and force them to form coalitions to pass legislation.
Sick of this partisan shit. There just has to be a better way.
(This message provided by the Anarchy Coalition of Canada)
Due to the fact Mr. Harper actually wants Canadians to work (instead of the left wing "lay around on welfare" mentality so common in Canada), he has wisely decided not to destroy the national economy by following the insane Kyoto protocol. Canadians are very fortunate to have a Prime Minister with the vision and courage of Mr. Harper. Why follow an agreement that punishes America and Canada but allows serious environmental offenders like China, Russia and India to conduct business as usual? It's yet another disgrace from the United Nations. They should be ashamed of themselves, again. Guess they're too busy ignoring genocide in Sudan to focus on developing a real solution to the global environmental issues we face today. These solutions need to include ALL countries that emit greenhouse gases. Mr. Harper and his Conservative majority government will be here when the world finally catches up to North America and is ready for a serious approach to climate change. Until then, insane greeenpeace hippies can stick Kyoto up their well lubed asses!!!
See... thats the problem with people today, all they want to do is work.
What about laziness, tardiness, slothfulness.
Let's party man!!!
Let the Liberals do all the work.
(Brought to you by the Conservatives for doing sweetfuckall Party)
Joe, may be that would be a good solution but how will the government know what are people voting for.
JC- I'm with you all the way, you weed smoking corporate cow boy.
Forever blue: You never cease to entertain with your 19th century Quaker outlook and your sick blind love for the limp wristed, soft handed Harper and his merry band of idiots.
Where did you go wrong? You used to be so cool. I think that back in the hair spray days there was some major leeching of Final Net residue into your brain tissue...
Joe, I remember you saying that laziness isn't good and here you want to be lazy and not do any work.
I assure you the daily dose of Joico Ice Mist during my high school daze has not left me with brain damage. Trust me, the only thing in creating a haze in Canada is the hot air spewing from liberal and ndp mouths...
Joanne... if there were no political parties, candidates for MP seats might actually have to find out what the people in thier riding really think... and people in the riding could actually vote for an individual who represented their beliefs, values, desires etc... The individual elected could then go to Ottawa, find other MPs of like minded agenda's, and perhaps put legislation together with broad appeal.
Why do you think Minority governments generally do a good job in the legislation they pass? Because it typically requires a broader reflection of the voting public in order to be successfully passed in the first place.
There's nothing wrong with anarchy, and in the end, it would be a hell of lot more effective, and more fun to watch.
I can see it now "CPK" otherwise known as "Canadian Parliment Knockdown". Turn politics into a contact sport, fit for the beer drinking, pot smoking, and generally disenfranchised dumbfuck Canadian, and wham!! You've got a higher turn out.
"in this corner, wieghing in at 250 Beer encrusted pounds, carrying a bible, a fork, and a can of beans in his back pocket, Stephaaaaaaaaaaaan "God is Greeeeen" Harrrrrrrrrrrrrper!!!
And in this corner, his opponent, wieghing in at a dismal 125 pounds when he has change in his pocket, armed with an english/french dictionary, a blackberry that sends to the world at once, and no conscience, Stefffffffffffffffffffffan "If I only had a friend" Diiiiiiiiiion!!!
This is a 10 round match, no hugging, no crying, and absolutely no nipple twists.
LETS GET IT ON!!!!!
Forever Blue: I've got it now. The Joico Ice Mist perma-froze your brain. Your are like Brendan Fraser in Encino Man- frozen in the Reagan years.
I have a hair dryer. Come on over, I'll liberate you dude!
Hey... what about women in the ring... Rona vs Belinda. Naked. Covered in Oil. Joined at the nipples by rings and chains.
With the big amazon blonde from the CPC carry the round cards.
Oh yeah...
Fuck, that would be worth millions... oh wait, this is Canada. Ok, it would be worth about a buck o' five.
Thanks for the offer K-Dough but I'll NEVER be LIBerated. I feel dirty just thinking about it!!!
Yuck!!!
FB: I feel dirty even when I'm not thinking about anything. And I like it that way.
JC: Actually, I'd love to see Jim Flaherty and Deb Gray wrestle. Might not be a fair fight though- she's way more of a man than he is.
Or how about Svend Robinson versus that blind Italian peasant woman who sits behind Harper? Dianne something.
As far as Rona (who incidentally gives me a bona) goes- I would love to see her and Helena Guerguis barechested brawling on a water bed with no sheets, in a pool of Crisco.
Ok... that works for me. Helanna... umm tasty.
How bout' Scott Brison vs Svend... could bill it as the "Poo Packin' Pantie fight".
How bout McKay Vs Iggy... bill it as the "It's all about me" fight.
Ouch. I thought old Squidley was dead?
The ghost of Squidly's past.
I wonder what Squid- if he weren't in jail for public masturbation and banned from using the computer-would have thought of last week's feminist rants?
Man... I'm a foul mouthed, callous, disrespectful, middle-aged bastard... and just thinking of what Squid would have said makes me blush.
JC- Don't kid yourself dude. Even on a bad day, you have a lot of the same power S had!
Hey, I wonder where that human yawn/little slutty mess Smenita is today?
Joanne, in answer to your last question... I live my life working, and I believe in hard work.
Let me rephrase that:
I believe in working hard so that at some point I can sit around on my ass all day and do nothing but drink, get high, write, and watch sports... hopefully all my prior hard work will have afforded me the luxury of hiring someone to do my push-ups and sit-ups. I am pretty sure it's going to be much more enjoyable watching someone else do my excercising for me.
You know that commercial where the parent's ask the kid what he wants to do now that he's graduated and he replies "Retire", that was me.
Why, you need someone to goo on? Little Smegma likes you methinks.
Who doesn't? That's why you are an exec isn't it?
Damn straight... no quicker path to retirement than making more money than your worth, doing the least you can possibly do.
My pappy always said the shorted distance between two points is a straight line... took me a couple of years to realize he wasn't talking about doing coke, but I eventually figured it out.
Ha! You're dating yourself (me too- since I was 12).
That was ages ago when the St. Charles Tavern was the centre of the rainbow universe. The gay village in Toronto is now one of the most vibrant (vibrating?) areas of the city. I love it.
Yep... thems was the days. I to confess though, I am very old fashion about some things. I still like seeing my staff in suits and office cloths... something about Dockers that I find very irritating. Not for the office. It's a quirk.
I say that because I think Lycra and Spandex were the greatest inventions ever created for thin women. Nothing like a Lycra bound woman with a tight belly, and her tongue pierced, bring me my coffee and the morning rag.
Gotta go, meeting time. Have fun eh.
I'd like to see Joe C in tight lycra (preferably really poor quality lycra), tongue AND nipples pierced, high-heeled boots, balancing coffee and donuts.
I'd fucking pay to see it.
How much would you pay Pam? I'm nothing if not negotiable:)
Who is to say he doesn't truly look like that Pam? he talks a big game ya know...
I don't believe that K-Jelly actually got to do a interview with the President of Canada Harper. I think he just made it up to be funny.
Hey K-Jelly! You may fool these other toe heads but you can't fool SMENITA! Ha ha.
Tsk... your a naughty one KD. I think Pam is mad at me. I have to confess though, I have a lot of hair... might peek out of the lycra.
JC: I could always tell by your tone that you had jiffy pop pubes.
LOL!!! Jiffy pop pubes!!
I'll bet when JC's an old guy, he'll have steel-wool sprouting from his ears and back.
Too late leather... I'm already there. Hairsuit and all. Me and the Neet whenever I hit the beach.
Mrs. Joe tried waxing my back once... I cried like a baby. Told her if she wanted to have hairy legs that was fine by me, cause no way in hell would I ever ask a woman to go through that.
I guess it's true, women have a much higher pain tolerance.
I'm never mad, JC. What's yer price? Lycra is not so flattering, you know. I'd pay a little more for a cropped top and capri pants....Name it.
OK you fading glory music slutty men, what do you think of this video. I'm having trouble looking away.
Click the 'watch the video' link at the bottom
needs quicktime.
Harper is bringin' lacky back. It's cool to be influenced by the American cultural left.
woot woot.
It's party time.
Someone made mention that no one would care about the weather if the winter wasn't so warm. But, I do need to make a point: weather patterns do fluxuate, and occasionally they do at extremes. For us to effectively determin that there is something truly abnormal about the weather patterns we need years of data to compare it to. However, we only have good records for a few decades.
In terms of weather patterns, that's not enough.
So for us, the average Jill (n' Joe) walking down the street, no the weather isn't as cold as it was when we were kids, but, does this mean next winter won't be cold? No. But, if anything, we should adopt good environmental habits.
Here's a thought, let's be pro-active instead of re-active. It's a rad concept that just might work.
Where's our favorite polygamist, Captain Planet and his wives?
I hated that show. Like a bunch of 14 year old could ever fly jets. I don't care how awesome your rings are, I do not feel comfortable having them fly a plane! And, where were there parents during all of this?
Probably getting high with Dora the Explorer's parents... which is another show I have a problem with!
Let's all stop blaming our shite government and make change. At some point, we have to hold ourselves accountable for the state of the world instead of standing by and waiting for a law to get passed.
Get off your ass and straddle a tree!
Karma- I've made love to a bunch of trees but that's not the point.
What problem do you have with Dora? She's my home girl and I love her so.
I need detes and quickly.
Confusion say "fuck a tree, get a splinter".
I recycle my empties. I have enerstar rated appliances. I drive Mrs. Joe to work and pick her up. I don't buy plastic unless necessary. I refuse to accept flyers and junk mail.
I do my part for the planet... and what do I get in return?
Some little Japanese Canadian guy with a name that belongs to a car manufacturer and a Fu Man Chu beard, trying to make me feel guilty.
Screw him, I'm stokin' a burner.
Are yo still on vacation JC? Because your commentary has been prolific!
KD:
Nice work... Don't forget Anne of Green Gables for the maritimers out there...
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