Baby Harper Seals: Mmm!

While Canadian Premiers met to discuss the fate of the country this week in the Maritimes, Prime Minister Stephen Harper snowmobiled aimlessly through the ice fields of Canada's North, on a jet blue SkiDoo doling out small quantities of taxpayers' dollars to confused Northerners. Harper made several important announcements today over a breakfast of a fresh arctic lichen and whale blubber omelet and glacial ice coffee. The new initiatives include:

• The renaming of the famed Harp Seal to reflect the PM's visit: The animal will now be called the Harper Seal, and will be bred in government farms for meat. The government has reportedly signed a cross-marketing deal with McDonalds for the launch of the new McSealwich this fall.
• A $450 investment in a new native dental program, across the entire North, over the next 5 years.
• The establisment of a permanently staffed, 3 man snowshoe patrol, which will replace Canada's ageing Distant Early Warning nuclear launch system, currently attached by tags to the ears of 4 geriatric walruses who are in line for early retirement pensions.
• A tough-on-crime anti-igloo graffiti program.

Thank god someone is doing something worthwhile in Canada, as those selfish Premiers fiddle with Ashley MacIsaac while the country burns.