RIP to An Era

Sam Pollock, general manager of Hab dynasties in Montreal in the '60s and '70s, died last week. He was the architect behind 9 Stanley Cups. He was also partially responsible for tons of childhood joy for a kid, ostracized in enemy territory by a gang of low-intelligence redneck, loser-supporting, snotty-nosed Leaf kids.

Here's to the bony finger of victory in your eye Southern Ontario.

Vive les tricolores!!! Vive les Canadiens!!!

Early Montreal Treasures Recovered

Archaeologists have found the remains of the earliest known buildings in Montreal. The 1642 settlement contained many fascinating relects, which show some indication of what life in the cradle of Montreal civilization might have been like back then. K-Dough has obtained exclusive access to the archivist's list by greasing palms and other body parts. Here is just a sampling of what they found in the dig:

• A jewelled, deerskin thong, with the name "Bambi Bouchard" stitched into the fabric, and a branded ensignia reading "Club Super Voyageur" on the front.
• A crate of petrified bagels, which pre-date the earliest known Jewish immigrants to the area by over 100 years.
• A crudely fashioned hockey puck made from what lab tests have confirmed to be kiln-fired moose shit.
• An emaciated, stuffed beaver, mounted on what appears to be a stage, roughly hewn from birch, with the curious name-plate "Celine".
• A well preserved large "C" encompassing a smaller "H", made from fried potatoes, held together by stringy melted cheese.

Top 10 Reasons the Leafs Suck

1. Montreal Canadiens
2. 40 Cupless Years - wait, that's 40 reasons.
3. Andrew Raycroft
4. Leafs 26th in league penalty kill
5. Out of playoff contention again
6. Montreal Canadiens 7th in conference: Leafs 10th.
   
7. Missing body parts: No heart, No guts, No Balls.
   
8. Montreal Canadiens 1st in league power play goals
   
9. 40 More Cupless Years
10. Montreal Canadiens

A True Red, White and Blue Canadien

Last night, I celebrated the miserable, phlegmy bug that has overtaken my head, neck, chest, skull and sinus area by curling up under a duvet, doing shots of Nyquil and watching The Rocket- the bio-pic on French-Canadian hockey legend Maurice Richard.

While there were some serious low budget moments and the story seemed to be frozen on game highlights moments at times, the film did do justice to Richard and his time, in many senses. It depicted Richard as a complex, proud and broody man. His skill and power on the ice contrasted his strong, quiet traditional Canadien Francais disposition. Most importantly it showed the dark, discriminatory and crooked side of the NHL during the years when it was overseen by Clarence Campbell and other blatantly bigotted Anglo-Saxons.

Richard's campaign against the discrimination faced by French-Canadian players from referees, league and teams officials meshed well with Quebec's own historic struggle during and after the Duplessis years to find it's own identity within Canada. Hockey fans and Canadian history fans alike should check this film out. It is essential to learning something about the French-Canadian view that may be missing from an Anglo-Canadian understanding of the NHL's history.

In the end, my night couldn't have turned out more perfectly. When I checked the Saturday NHL scores all was as it should be: The glorious Habs beat Buffalo - the team who was until last night's results in first place in the league - 4-3; and the listing Leafs - currently 20th in the league- were brutally spanked by the 17th place Penguins 8-2. It all made me feel very good.

Vives les tri-colores!

Update: Sorry my little dancing Kleenex faeries, but I am reposting this today. I am still fucking SICK and don't have the energy even to nose drool on the keyboard. Blech!

Harper's Hockey Hallucination

As if we needed further proof that Stevie Harpo was out of touch with reality and afflicted with the anti-common sense gene, he says this "I think the Leafs are really coming together as a franchise, I like the team this year, I think it's got no obvious weaknesses"*.

As we wrap up the 40th year anniversary of miserable, cupless Loaf history, I'll just say this to Harpie: Next spring, you'll be following the Leafs Nation right down to South Carolina, where the golfing is abundant, the soda pop flows like water and the people are much like the people you left behind in the West- back in Canada where you will once have had a job.

And don't fret Sad Stevie and you sick, misguided Loaf lovers: Down there they have CPAC and TSN as well, where you'll be able to catch all the playoff highlights and maybe even watch live as Prime Minister Dion salutes Les Habitantes as they hoist their 11th cup for the past 40 years and chart topping 25th cup overall!

Vives les tri-colores!!!

*OMNI Television interview quoted in the Toronto Star- article HERE.

Habsolutely Riveting!

Forget about Emerson and Shapiro. Heave aside the Iraqi and Afghani wars for a bit. We have a different battle brewing right here within our borders this week. The glorious Montreal Canadiens and the has-been Toronto Maple Loafs are set to duel it out in a mini-series of sorts. And the games promise to be barn-burners, with both teams desperately needing points. Toronto will be blindly last-stabbing at the long shot possibility of making the playoffs; and Montreal will be attempting to hold on to the last slot in the Conference by a frayed, yet sinewy thread.

While my friends and I tend to verbally beat the shit out of each other over this rivalry, I have to say this: I love every painful minute of it. I love it so much that I am having about 15 of them over to my house this weekend to consume mass quantities of alcohol, sausage and pierogies in order to celebrate that love, and to mercilessly rub those runny blue and white noses in their own miserable tears after their team is decimated by les glorieux! Too bad ChuckerCanuck can't be here to celebrate- but he's in a better place now.

Habs and Leafs jerseys rubbing and tipping elbows.
Passive aggression. Comradery. Beer.
What could be more Canadian and sacred than these things?

Habs vs. Leafs For Olympic Gold

For all of you head-hanging Team Canada fans out there lamenting that we are not playing for Gold this morning, try to think of it this way: It's really the Leafs (Sweden's Matts Sundin, Toronto's captain) versus the Canadiens (Finland's Saku Koivu, Montreal's captain) in the Olympic final!



All I can say is: Go Habs!!!

Canadian Girls Rock!

Now this makes me feel a whole hell of a lot better! Our girls just won the gold medal - again! They truly are an inspiration for females in sports--not only in Canada, but the world.

I don't know what's better, the fact that the Swedes now have a silver medal to build on -- proof that it's not just a two team sport-- or that the Americans are listening to Oh Canada, with bronzes around their necks.

Go Canada!

Canada is Hockey

Ok. I have no axe to grind to today. I'm axeless. I just want to talk a bit about my overwhelming anxiety due the poor performance of our Canadian men's hockey team. I know everyone right now is an arm-chair coach, with advice on what has gone wrong with game plans, morale, uniform and accessories choices, calorie intake, emotional states etc.. I have no advice to offer. I am just one proud Canadian boy, hoping in my heart that these guys pull through this awful mini-slump. Call it superficial, nationalistic or lunk-headed sports fanaticism. Call it what you will. But there is no better feeling than seeing our boys in red and white pummel other teams into oblivion.

I was in the stands in Hamilton in 1987 and gaped as Gretzky and Lemieux rushed the Russian end, in the final minutes of a nail-biting Canada Cup game, and scored that fan-fucking-tastic goal to win the game and the tournament. At that moment, as an arena of Canadians leapt to its feet in one massive surge of excitement and pride, I felt more Canadian than at any other time in my life. Ok, well maybe getting pissed on Parliament Hill on Canada Day comes a close second... Anyway, the point is that Canada must win or my abundant tears will flow until I wither, dehydrate and (shudder) am forced to drink a Bud Light in protest. Desperate times, desperate measures!

Dear Ken Dryden: Hockey Needs You!

At first, I thought it was really cool. Ken Dryden. Hero to millions- me included- running for the federal Liberals. Then, he was named to a cabinet post. Still cool, but a little strange. Now, we hear whispers that he may run for the Liberal leadership. As a true bleu, blanc et rouge Habs fan, that just makes me feel fucking icky. Yes, he is a lawyer. Yes, he is instantly recognizable to most Canadians. Well, at least to those over say......ummmm....35? But what is one of the greatest netminders of all time and an icon of the most successful (debatable) sports dynasty doing in the nastiest of sports- politics?
Come back to hockey Kenny!
Ken, you need to come back to help les glorieux reorganize their faltering franchise. I know you must have become very disillusioned working for the dark side during those pointless, derelict, angst-ridden, life-sucking, what must have seemed like endless years. But please don't let that hapless, cupless miserable Leaf disease destroy your lust for life! Child care is nothing compared to the legacy you could leave if you refocussed your efforts.

Please Ken, for the love of poutine, listen to me dude! As leader of the oppositon ( and potentially the entire nation) you will undoubtedly be concerned with national unity. What better way to get Quebecers who are on the other side of the blue line back on side, than by coaching the boys from Mont Royale back into another 5 or 6 cups? Think about it big guy... Canada, politics, k-dough, liberal, conservative, harper, Ontario, kdough, criticism, neo-con, commentary, communications, legislature, Chretien, election,policy, hand guns, Toronto