Top 10 Social Revolutionary Terrorist Threats

If they really wanted to hurt us and change the fabric of North America for the good of the world, don't you think they'd pay more attention to these iconic targets? Stupid terrorists.

1. Large-scale Playstation Two sabotage.
   
2. Hijacking Donald Trump's hair and flying it into the Hollywood sign.
   
3. Assasinating food empire overlords Ronald McDonald and the Burger King.
   
4. Oprah book list burnings.
5. Preventing Krispy Kreme from releasing its planned whole wheat donut.
6. Army of classically-trained Eastern bloc musicians armed takeover of American Idol set.
7. Lobotomize Britney, Lindsey, Paris and Olsen twins and program them to control teen girls everywhere with messages of their own worthlessness while draining their parents' bank accounts. Oops, wait. Task accomplished.
8. Abducting and brainwashing Barney the Dinosaur and Donny Osmond to become hateful, bloodthirsty beasts and harnessing their new evil purple powers for the cause.
   
9. Instil proper moral ideals by ousting Ellen DeGeneris in a Coup DeTit and installing a bearded, fatigued Castro lookalike lesbian in her place. No more cheezy fucking dancing for anyone!
10. Mass credit card theft, with the proceeds used to purchase SUVs, which are then packed full of designer clothes and overpriced running shoes and driven into bank machines in the middle of the night.
    

So Damn Insane

George Bush said last night that if the US were to withdraw its troops now, the Iraqi government would fall and there would be mass killings. Um, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that exactly what happened when the US invaded Iraq? They've not only drilled a whole in the dike, now their fucking thumbs are stuck in it.

Not to mention, aren't there already MASS KILLINGS going on there? Mass kilings every day of the year? How worse can it get? The sooner you leave Iraq, the sooner whoever wins at killing more people than you already have will put the country back together in some form and a new dictator will take over. Either way, whoever succeeds Saddam couldn't be a bigger Dick-tator than Bush.

And by the way, wasn't Rumsfeld fired? If so, why does the legacy of stupid still speak through his rubber stamp.

Political Cannon Fodder

Yesterday, the Bloc and Harper played a game of political chicken over supporting "the troops" versus suppporting "the war" (READ). It's the same bullshit game of spin that is played over and over in the U.S. between the Republicans and Democrats. It is designed to manipulate the emotions of the electorate. No one wants to be seen as not supporting "the troops". No, that would be...what? Principled?

Why doesn't anyone say what they really think? What half-intelligent, sane adult supports troops but not a war? Supporting troops that you knowingly send into pointless dangerous missions is not "supporting troops": It's supporting putting other people's lives in jeopardy for your own selfish ideology or idealism. You will never be able to support "the troops" unless you are out there taking a bullet in your gut for them or are tenderly holding their heads as they gurgle and choke to death on their own blood.

Give up the charade you straw men. You are politicians, they are walking lead slug targets. Sitting on your fat asses in Ottawa lecturing about supporting our boys 'n girls will never be good enough. You are making the decisions and they are dying. Granted, that's their job. But the troops are dying because of your decisions. You might as well be holding the smoking guns that kill them.

That's the real deal, you cowardly insects. Stop mind-fucking stupid Canadians with spineless spin. Be real men and say what you really think, if you have any remnant of pride or conscience.

Supporting troops- PFFFFT. How about supporting life?

K-Dough Accepting Submissions

Yes, it's true. I am taking submisssions for book pitches in the style of O.J.'s new psycho-thetical admitting-murder-in-hindsight masterpiece called If I Did It.

While I wait for your creative ideas to pour in, here are a few options I'm looking at for ghost writing gigs at this point:

Bill Clinton, If I Put It In All the Way

Ollie North, If Reagan Knew Everything

Alfonso Gagliano, If I Hung Out With Murderers

Donald Rumsfeld, If I Knew the WMD Excuse Was Absolute Bullshit

George W. Bush, If I Couldn't Read

Wayne Gretzky, If My Wife Had A Gambling Problem

Peter Mackay, If I Still Obviously Loved An Evil Demoness

Jean Chretien, If I Didn't Axe The GST, Where Would We Be Now?

Condoleeza Rice, If I Had Known In Advance They Were Going To Fly Planes Into Buildings

Richard Nixon, If I was A Crook

Happy F-Day, you seksy phuckers!
K

Rumsfeld is Toast

Bush is announcing, as I type, that Donald Rumsfeld- architect of evil; bitter, mean-spirited, lying, smirking fucker- is stepping down. Nice knowing ya and hope you burn in hell, you senile war pig.

House of Cards Falls

I wonder if Stephen Harper saw his future pass before his eyes as he watched hawkish girders fall from the house of cards last night on CNN? Yes, Stevie, like Americans, we are all fatigued- but not in the way you and your soda-pop swilling, armchair Rambos would dress us.

Take heart though. One day, you and GWB will be playing paint ball at a Christian dude ranch in Texas somewhere, having a laugh over sasparilla and some meaty BBQ about all the girls and boys you helped kill. Good times. And even though you won't have your soft, uncalloused exquisitely-moisturized hands all over the purse strings that strangle others, you'll always have Kandahar and video games.

So yeehaww- shoot 'em up Tex! While y'all still got all them taxpayers' bullits at yer disposal!

RepubliCanadian Revelations

Right now, I'm watching that gutless talking head Peter Mackay sermon about how we are saving the world from Satan and Revelations by being in Afghanistan. It makes me sick to my stomach. And once again he is playing the cynical RepubliCanadian (tm) support-our-troops or burn in hell card.

I have to ask you all this question: What the fuck do Afghanistan, or Israel for that matter, have to do with the sovereignty and integral national priorities of Canada? Instead of rolling out fake 40 year plans for the reduction of greenhouse gas emmisions which aren't worth the breath taken to utter them, why not focus on important things like transfer payment reform?

While I'm at it, what the hell are the Liberal leaders doing haggling over questions about Israel? is that really the biggest threat to world peace now? What about China, Korea and the US? When did Israel take precedence in foreign policy in this country? Israel is no more important than any country where people's lives are put at risk because of politics or religion.

Get a grip Canada. Know why? Because we are being plunged into a morass of civil disagreement unseen before in our history. You thought abortion or same sex marriage were big wedge issues? Forget 'em. Wait till this American-style hate propagating takes root during the lead-up to the next election. That's exactly what Harper's boys are gunning for. Unfortunately, the Jewish and Muslim communities are going to be tossed into this propaganda cock-fight, while smirking idiots on both sides of the house remain unscathed, counting their fortunes.

After the rage, I truly feel sad for our country right now. I don't give a shit who is right. We have to move on, quickly.

Another Tragic Crime

Today, Charles Carl Roberts IV, another in a long line of armed cowardly North American lunatics, went on a shooting rampage in a one-classroom Amish school in Pennsylvania. He killed at least 6 people*, and 3 more are in critical condition. Reports say he targeted only the female children, all in Grades 1-8, who were tied and bound after he ordered all the boys out of the school.

My fucking soul hurts.

*Conflicting reports at this time. CBC is now saying 4.

Condie Spewing More Manure

This chick has a lot of gall and balls, spreading her lispy fear-mongering, war groupie crap up here. Especially, after her administration ignored warnings that lead to thousands of innocent deaths in the U.S., which in turn sowed the seeds that have blossomed into gardens of death in other parts of the world.

What Condie said today: The campaign in Afghanistan will succeed (just after the Canadian military, who is on the ground there, said it won't).

Hmmm. When you say will succeed do you mean like, democracy will succeed in Iraq?

Or, we will succeed at finding WMDs in Iraq?

Or, we will succeed at capturing Bin Laden dead or alive?

Or, the war on drugs will succeed?

Well, here is some confidential policy advice Dr. Condie: shut the fuck up and return from whence you came- the fiery stupid pits of stupid hellish stupidity that is D.C., stupid.

Disclaimer: This is one in a long line of lazy, stream of conscious K-posts. The confidential policy advice offered above is not intended to mimic real-life, serious, adult-like advice, but the sentiment is sincere.

9-11 Tapes: Why Right Now?

Why are these "tapes" being released now? Why weren't they released in March? A year ago? Two years ago? Next year? It was the New York Times that went to court (ostensibly on behalf of the families of victims, who, indeed, did deserve to gain access) to get the original tapes released. But recently the FDNY, citing poor internal management, coincidentally found a bunch of new ones that weren't released in the original batch in March. There is a foul smell about this.

The timing is suspect, amidst tenuous support for the so-called war on terror and while events in the Middle East and a heightened terror watch, as a result of arrests in Britain and Canada, have constructed the perfect setting for a dramatic rollout. A cynic might even postulate that it was a communications strategy engineered by dark shadow backroom string-pullers to play down inadequate EMR resources needed to respond to the attack.

One thing is for sure. It's sad that our lazy, tabloid-era North American media is lapping up this "news" with no critical comment. Print and TV yesterday were flooded with the extremely private vain cries for help from human beings on the brink of death. In the background, a locust cloud of Bush bites are swarming, preaching Armagaeddon if the forces of good do not triumph over evil, despite this.

Doesn't anyone care why this stuff happens? Wake the fuck up MSM and North America. Pull that cheeseburger from your thick sweaty jowls, let go of the joystick and wake up.

The Missing Bush Dialogue

Media printed the following George W. Bush quotes yesterday, as overheard by a secret microphone over the weekend at a world leaders luncheon. Problem is, there was no transcription included for the other participants in the conversation. Therefore, in order to offer some context, K-Dough has provided the missing dialogue to help you better understand the exchange.

Here is the quote that appeared in the papers: "You eight hours? Me too. Russia's a big country and you're a big country. Takes him eight hours to fly home. Not Coke, diet Coke. ... Russia's big and so is China. Yo, Blair! What're you doing? Are you leaving," Bush said.

Here is what the White House didn't want you to hear:
Putin: That hooker got me really drunk last night. Around midnight, I got the munchies and ate so many cold pierogies it took me 8 hours to put on my pants this morning!
Bush: You eight hours? Me too.
Putin: Uh George, your pants are on backwards buddy. And it looks like you had a little peney-leakage there on the front too... (laughter around the table).
Bush: Russia's a big country and you're a big country!
Putin: Um, ok buddy. You don't have to be a big baby about it.
Bush: (To a puzzled Tony Blair) Takes him eight hours to fly home!
Putin: To fly home? No, I said to "put on my pants". But speaking of "fly", yours is over your asshole right now (guffaws and chortles from other world leaders). But seriously George, I think you spilled your Coke on the front of your pants there bud.
Bush: Not Coke, diet Coke!
Putin: Whatever. Sorry, didn't mean to mention "coke". I know that's a bit of a sore spot for you...(laughter around the table- some leaders are actually crying).
Bush: Russia's big and so is China!
Putin: Christ, talking to this guy is like talking to a four year old. George, are you reciting geographical facts from your briefing notes again? What does geopolitical sphere of influence mean? Why don't you just ask your best friend Tony? Oops. Look, there he goes...
Bush: (Nervously yells across the room) Yo, Blair! What're you doing? Are you leaving?

Meeting of Great Minds

Harper: (Thinks to self: Oh-my-god. Am I actually standing next to him?) (To Bush) Great day for a game of golf sir. Um, might I say that I love your khakis. Nothing says Commander-in- Briefs like a stiff pair of khakis I always say. Oops! Did I say say briefs? Silly me, I meant briefs! Sorry chiefs. I...
Bush: Shut up, smile and stop bobbin' around like a goddamned billy goat Pete.
Harper: Steve sir. It's Steven. Steven Harper sir.
Bush: Never heard of him. Now listen up Pete, these bastards just want us to smile. Can you shut the fuck up and do that Pete?
Harper: Sure. I mean "Yes sir! Commander-in-Chief sir". (Whispering from side of mouth) What are you gonna do about that Kim Jong-Il guy sir? You gonna show 'em what's what? You gonna tear 'em up into little pieces of bulkoki?
Bush: Kim who? Sounds like a girl to me Pete.
Harper: Yeah, I know. (Nervously) Ha ha ha. Look, I don't really know how to say this but there is just one little thing I was supposed to mention. I know you don't have much time but could we possibly talk about, oh you know, that stupid softwood problem?
Bush: (Turns smiling to face Harper) Look asshole, I don't know what Laura said to your wife over there but I saw 'em snickerin'. Alls I got to say on that score is I'm seeing a dick doctor and he says in no time the little soldier 'll be standing at attention again, if you catch my drift. Then I'll give Laura and your wife something to snicker about I tell you, yessirree. Woo weeahhhhh doggy!
Harper: Oh gee, that's not what I...
Bush: Any how, shake and smile again cowboy. I gotta fly. Those fuckin' golf clubs ain't just gonna swing themselves is they?
Harper: Ok. Call me! (Whispers while biting lip gently and holding back tears): God, I love him.
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K-Note: And if this didn't completely suffice your laughs quota today, check out this nutcase's blog, ironically titled Dr. Roy's Thoughts.

Gunfire at US Capitol Complex?

I take it that good ole boy Cheney is drunk again? Happy F-Day!