Top 10 Indications I've Been Drinking Too Much

...lately.

1. My liver moved out, got its own apartment and isn't returning my calls. Fucking fair weather two-faced bastard organ!
2. Starting to find myself attracted to Celine Dionne and/or any chick with a head like a rat and the body of a coat rack in a sequined dress.
3. Woke up this morning with an aching neck wearing a giant black strap-on around my forehead and identations of nipples on my feet, with a baritone male voice singing gospel music from the shower.
4. yyyyou know wut? yerrr my beshht fuckkkkin friennnd in thuh hole fuckkkkkin werld you shhhtupid fukkkking sonama beetch...arrrrrrrrrrr!!!...(licks your forehead, musses up your hair and puts you in a headlock).
5. Parked the car in the living room last weekend- and neither the living room nor the car were mine.
6. Accepted invitation to go pheasant hunting with Dick Cheney.
7. Oh my God I woke up with a snake tatt... ok forget it... I can't even pretend to like that horrible goddamn song!
8. Puked in my boss' wife's purse while he was away in Arizona.
9. Ralph Klein's memoirs suddenly making sense to me.
10. My iPod only plays Dean Martin songs now.

Good Times

Thanks to everyone who attended the somewhat grown up fun fest last night. No animals were seriously harmed in the making of my hangover. After I left you party kids I ended up boozingit up again with a rock star friend back in the hood, complete with complimentary 1:30 am shots of JD from our fave local bartender. Ach... It was great meeting you guys and now - finally - I can put a face to the smart asses.

A couple of points:

• Apologies to Joanne, for the barrage of obscenities, crotch talk and infantile regaling of '80s road stories.
• I have to say I was relieved that no one slapped Forever Blue, and that he managed not to mention Mike Harris even once.
  
• Sheena and El Chaperone - her enigmatic driver: Can't wait for the photo spread! Re: The winelessness of our dining location: Thanks for sucking it up and sucking back the pints instead like a good slav Sheena! And thanks El Chaperone for being the Captain to Sheena's Tenille.
  
• Leather: You really lived up to your pants last night dude. Loved 'em and you!
• Homosuperior- I really wish you would stop staring at me like a love sick Japanese school girl with a lump in your skirt when we are in public like that. At first, I was flattered, but it's getting rather embarassing.
  

To those who stood us up: There will be an arduous penance to be performed before I will ever trust you with my delicate faith again. And be forewarned, that penance may or may not have something to do with a marathon session of sloppy, jaw-breaking oral sex...

So, whadyou think?

John A's Bday!

I hope you'll all be hoisting a frosty wobbly pop for good ole John Eh. tonight kids! I have it on good word that it's also Chretien's b-day today as well. I, for one, plan to be talking like him by 9 pm tonight. A special meeting of the MBC Executive (Multiple Beverage Coalition of Greater Toronto) has been called for tonight and we will undoubtedly be slobbering odes to the creation of Canada by one of the greatest drunks ever to grace our fair dominion. Vive le Canada!!!

Gunfire at US Capitol Complex?

I take it that good ole boy Cheney is drunk again? Happy F-Day!