Distinct Society

Yesterday, a loyal and dedicated reader posted a comment on this blog saying "fuck Toronto". While I completely realize the gentlemanly commenter was tongue-in-cheekin' it, it sparked something in me. The first stream of conscious bolt was "oh yeah- well fuck the rest of Canada!". In fact, I thought further to myself, "with all this whining bullshit we are putting up with from the feds and other provinces about equalization, we should really start an equally selfish, Ontario-centric fuck the rest of Canada movement".

What would it be like to live in a separate Ontario? Well, for starters, we wouldn't even be able to count the cash. Of course, there would be numerous pleasurable distractions from having to count our gazillions. In our socially progressive Eden (non-denominational), we would spend our days exploiting our poorer neighbours, like Quebec and Manitoba, by making electronic investment and trade transactions from the comfort of a fully licenced whore house, smoking the darkest, most richly pungent hash from government-made bongs and munching on ethnic delicacies from around the world.

Everyone would be naked, stoned, healthy, fit and well-fed in an independent Ontario. Marriages and traditional ideas of sexuality would melt into a huge garden of omni-sexual delights. Our cities would glitter and our ecosystems would thrive. With all the extra cash we'd save from life-supporting most other Canadian provinces, our health care, social welfare and taxation systems would be the absolute finest in the world. Our country would even dominate the Tony Awards- year after year. Although, we would repatriate the Montreal Canadiens from those US bastards, rename them the Ontario Dandies and banish the Toronto Maple Leafs forever, as a symbol of our denunciation of Canadian iconography.

Ah, the fun we would have. And as provinces withered and decayed around us, we would laugh so hard we'd fart. Over and over again.

You know I'm not serious right? It sounds exceptionally preposterous that Ontario would ever be anything but a benevolent supporter of federalism and a philanthropic giver. We don't complain right? Well, can you imagine how we feel everytime Albertans, Quebeckers or whoever talks about how they are gettting such a raw deal in the fair dominion? Get a grip fuckers.