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I don't quite know how to say this without being blunt, so I'm just going to come straight out with it: I think you are falling in love with me. At first I was naive, I was missing the signs. You sent more than a few e-mails to my protective psycho barrier hotmail account. You just wanted to say "keep on blogging" or "I thought I'd comment in a personal e-mail, rather than out there in that sordid, voyeuristic comments section".
After a while, I began to clue in though. My stat counter hits went through the roof. I thought to myself "wow, people are really digging my blog". Then it dawned on me: I hadn't posted in days yet my numbers were still way up, and the site was getting hit all night as well- while my family and I innocently slept, unaware! That is when I realized I was being blog stalked - or more precisely, blalgked.
Look, I like you. We've had some laughs. But that's where I draw the line. It can't never be more than that. Plus, you are just not my type. I'm sophisticated, affluent, well-liked and hung, built like a hockey-playing competitive swimmer and have an IQ of 173. You are, well, just you. You're worthless and weak. You do nothing. You are nothing. You sit in your bedroom all day playing that sick, repulsive, electric twanger!! I carried an M-16, and you- you carry that, that, that wireless laptop! Who are you? Where do you come from? Are you listening to me?
What do you wanna do with your life?!?!?!
After a while, I began to clue in though. My stat counter hits went through the roof. I thought to myself "wow, people are really digging my blog". Then it dawned on me: I hadn't posted in days yet my numbers were still way up, and the site was getting hit all night as well- while my family and I innocently slept, unaware! That is when I realized I was being blog stalked - or more precisely, blalgked.
Look, I like you. We've had some laughs. But that's where I draw the line. It can't never be more than that. Plus, you are just not my type. I'm sophisticated, affluent, well-liked and hung, built like a hockey-playing competitive swimmer and have an IQ of 173. You are, well, just you. You're worthless and weak. You do nothing. You are nothing. You sit in your bedroom all day playing that sick, repulsive, electric twanger!! I carried an M-16, and you- you carry that, that, that wireless laptop! Who are you? Where do you come from? Are you listening to me?
What do you wanna do with your life?!?!?!
posted by K-Dough at 7:03 AM
67 Comments:
If you want me to stop sleeping in my car in front of your house, you can just come out here and tell me!!
And by the way, that "electric" thingy I'm playing with run on batteries.
Don't get too big of a head.
Postage is up to 51 cents now, you know.
OMFG!...Bawdy and scandalous humour and now ritual and complex humiliation.
....I like it.
Signed,
Future blalgker.
ummmmm, I don't have that problem K, sorry dude.....
Now Ti, that's a different story, you big hunk of a man you.....
The blalgker chain-of-command, eh, Dino? So the question is...who's K-Dough stalking?
Who am I blalgking? Well, I'll give you a hint- he's a bit of a narcissist...
Yeah, K-dough, I may be a bit of a narcissist, but who wouldn't be if they were as hot as I am?
Now, please give up that apartment across the road from me and get rid of those binoculars. If you don't, I will call the police. By the way, do you like what I am wearing today?
near as i can see, your birthday suit, also i think you should get those bumps around your extremeties checked out, they look wierd.
Peeping k-doh, "bumps around my extremeties?"
You mean my hands and feet?
There's nothing wrong with those actually. And clearly you are not the real K-dough, or you would know I am wearing jeans and a t-shirt.
Ok, this is good. But tone down the assless Jordache comments because I pulled a muscle in my back and have nothing to do today but surf the net, but laughing hurts when I'm lying at the wrong angle.
K-dough brings up assless pants a little TOO often, don't you think? I think he has a bit of an assless pant fetish. If he'd just open those curtains a little more I'd know for sure.
Oh, and don't flatter yourself. Most of us would blog anybody.
re: assless:
3 words:
David Lee Roth
well, originally, I thought weatherman, but my generally loner and obsessive personality made that impossible.
at weatherman school, they'd through up a map of Quebec and I'd be fixated wherever it was going to be partly cloudy.
I would hover over that area - Gaspe, Ungava Bay, Gatineau - it didn't matter - and keep saying: "partly. part. part. partly. partly cloudy. cloud. part. partly cloud. part cloudy. partly."
i flunked out, obviously.
K-Dough,
Are there at least back-stage buffers in the Blalkging world? (BTW, I really need help pronouncing that...)
leather- buffers or fluffers?
Here's how old and un-hip I've become...I was still describing myself as a "fluffer" re: my fab eye for accessories in a given designed space...until I figured out what all the giggling was about.
No mighty K, I mean the good ol' fashioned "shine up the heen to a glistening sheen" buffer.
What's the cut off age for backstage buffers, anyway? I'm having the worst day today and would consider changing careers.
It's not a career Pam, it's a calling. As with most callings, the pay is inconsistent.
(Sorry about your day, if you were anywhere near the Kipling/401 area of Toronto, I'd buy you lunch and a tall cold one on the patio;
I'm totally ready to pack it in myself with these clowns I'm working with.)
K-Dough, I think your secret admirer is John Tory. After all you have been so kind to him lately that he couldn't help but stalk you.
J-Dog LOL! You mean the swelling ISN'T natural? It's not supposed to look like a tree stump w/ Dutch Elm disease?
Christ, where are my special creams and balms..
I think what leather wa trying to say was:
KNOB POLISHER
PAM: Medication- illicit or prescribed- helps dammit. Well, that in combination with copious swigs from a compact flask.
In the 80s that was what I considered a recipe for foreplay, now it's what I like to call coping with stress.
So... your a gun toting Liberal eh K-dough... Admit it, it's Liberal Nutbars like you that caused the Gun Registry.
I knew it. No self respecting Tory would own an M-16... they jam too easily.
Drugs!! You're so damn smart, K-dough. Why didn't I think of that?
Everyone here should be medicated today.
Especially ME - lookout kids, because I'm a
LIBERAL NUTBAR!
You go K-Dough.
CC/JC: Sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do.
The homeless exchange seriously skirted the edges of satire and approached the mean-spirited. While I understood the dark humour, others may not have.
For the first time, I have had to delete comments... I hope it's the last.
Fair enough, and my apologies to all who were unable to under appreciate my dark humor.
As the Colonal said K-dough "send me up another @*#$".
Hey- I started it. I am the one who deserves a forceful and stealthy cock punching.
wimp.
Wimp? I am willing to take a round house in the shaft for the team.
What are you willing to do?
It's just that the kicking of liberal Rods is so, so... easy.
Us Tories are actually feeling bad about it.
Imagine it...
Tories feeling bad
About punching liberals
In the rod.
Liberal Rods.
Stand up for Canada... kick a liberal in the rod.
good point, KD; I'm not much of a team player. You go down in a blaze of glory, and I think, "how can I get the ball out of his hands and score?"
JC: You need to jazz your language up a bit dude- how about this:
Stand up for Western Canada: Grapple a Grit Gristle-Hunk!!!
CC: That yahoo account you set up stil bounced back to me on the weekend. Was never able to send you anything. Try emailing me from that account and see what happens....
I, for one, believe highly in the principle of feeding off the dead carcass' of others.
Isn't in the Tory manifesto somewhere.
"If thou shouldst seeist a Liberal, lying on the road of dispair, stop and kick him a little, lest he get back up.
Course there's probably a Liberal equivalent... "When thou passest a Tory, spit on him, revile him, and generally do bad things to his tax return."
Isn't it more like ""If thou shouldst seeist a Liberal, lying on the road of dispair, quick, gits yer doublebarrel down fom the rack on your pick up and bag him. Then tie him to yer hood and take him home fer the missus tuh roast up in a good ole fashioned toothless cook out"?
Nope... Liberals are too stringy... all that damn tofu.
Truth is, if I saw a lib on the side of the road... I wouldn't stop, cause I'd have to put down my beer, and the Liberal would want to share my weed.
Dude- I don't know what Liberals you aer meeting out there in AB (if any) but the ones I know would not turn up their noses at free drugs.
kdough,
I sent it. now let's see if your email skills are up to snuff.
Joe: I may not be a Liberal, but I do eat lots of tofu. With that in mind, I feel that I need to respond and note that I'm not stringy and that it's a well known fact that vegetarian males taste better.
Just ask k-dough. He's had a bite or two out of me and, much like a bag of Lay's chips, can't resist coming back for more.
Is this true, k?? This might be worthy of it's own thread...K-dough's taste tests..you could do blind taste tests..I'd read it.
it is true. once, my college class was on a trip to Hans Island that didn't go so well. we were stuck for three days on an ice floe with nothing to eat but those who perished in the flight.
i found vegetarians chock full of subtle seasonings like cumin and coriander seeds.
the meat eaters tasted like garlic and salt. still good, but not as succulent as the vegetarians.
Chucker, go for the meat hiding in the shin muscles....always tender.
(Don't overcook though, or it gets too crispy.)
You know you don't have to kill people to taste them...Seems a little harsh, non?
I didn't kill anyone. They were dead already and kept fresh by arctic wind.
Chucker: "good point, KD; I'm not much of a team player. You go down in a blaze of glory, and I think, "how can I get the ball out of his hands and score?"
In my world, if you've got balls in your hands, you've already scored.
Joe Calgary: "Nope... Liberals are too stringy... all that damn tofu." -- Not this Liberal. I am definitely a red-meat eater. And diku does eat tofu and is not a Liberal (he must be an NDPer then). No, we are more the filet mignon and pate and caviar sort of party, supposedly. Still, it beats being a possum stew-loving Tory.
Pam, I love your idea for a K-dough's Male Taste Test. Where do I sign up?
Chucker, why didn't you just eat a few seals instead of your companions? They were just going to get clubbed when they drifted further down south to Newfoundland anyway.
Leatherhands, re shin meat. That only works if you are not eating K-dough. As I've mentioned before, he doesn't have any shin meat to speak of.
homo, that's a damned fine line about scoring!
as for the seals - we talked about it - but they are damned cute and we couldn't think of harming a single one. so, we ate a couple of girls from the volleyball team.
Chucker: Did the girls enjoy it?
bam! the girls enjoyed cc's tongue prepared lovingly on a bed of feathers.
Emeril- not that I mind celebs dropping by once in awhile- but why do they always have to be the most annoyingly insipid ones?
No, I meant the girls you ate. Do they enjoy it? Was it satisfying?
Sorry, DID they?
i agree with the k-man, that friggin lagasse gets on my nerves.
he may be annoying, but I'd crap my pants if we did a show down . especially if the special ingredient was crawfish.
romancing corpses and cajun cooking- see what happens when I leave you freaks alone?
jesus
btw- I'll think I'll let this thread devolve and decay for awhile longer.
consider it a kind of sociological experiment.
Chuckers, you eat dead girls? Yuck!
I rather eat seals than dead girls. At least with the seals, I can be sure of one thing that let say I didn't eat my best friend, Jane.
You probably knew those girls before they died yet you still eat them. How cruel. think what they turned to in your digestive system.
I don't know what's worse- the substance of CCs comment or the style of Joanne's.
K-Do, I guess both of them are pretty bad and gross.
like, uh huh.
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