Demonic Duo Deleted
Newsflash: That grotesquely simplistic Canadian Tire couple are toast! Gone-zo! Oh, how I've longed for this glorious day. A day when my TV would finally be exorcised of those disgusting poster people for sexual repression, materialism, and suburban consumerist mediocrity. Ted and his wife Gloria can now be banished to the fiery annals of advertising hell, where they will rot in flames with that mono-toothed hillbilly Rez Wood Stain guy and the rage-inciting Scottish beer pedant. Maybe now, we can, as a nation, achieve closure and get on with our lives that were so invasively disrupted by those smirking bastards.Why did they smile so much? Because those do-dads and whatchamacallits had infected their souls like foul, malevolent spirits. We all have to pray and be vigilant, in hopes that those demons remain banned to the netherworlds from which they came and that our tender young will be spared the horrid agony we have all survived. We must rebuild, with our own tools.
posted by K-Dough at 7:05 AM
68 Comments:
K:
I completely disagree. These two icons of Canadian Commercial Television brought us Canadians closer together. We all hated them equally and were jealous of their tools.
Canadian Tire should've kept the dangerous-duo just for the farsical commercials that we dreaded yet watched to see what new gadget they'll expose.
It's a sad day but, thankfully, we have Gordon and Frank to help us through this difficult time.
"jealous of their tools"...
I suspect that statement belies the real reason Ted had such a long run. Millions of tiny tooled and limp twigged guys out there secretly yearned for Ted's arsenal of useless devices. And at times, those devices almost created a gleam in the eye's of his boyish, asexual wife. They were sickos!
The kind of sickos that celebrate the purchase of their big screen TV every year with a box of Krispy Kremes and 4 minutes of sloppy Coors Light inspired semi-erected sex -- all squeezed in within the 7 minutes between the time their kids go to bed and the start of Survivor.
You live your life, I'll live mine.
My wife and I loved to imitate those commercials. Especially about the simonizer.
His neighbour asks, after a list of useful functions is provided by Mr. Tire, "didn't I see you using that on your deck?"
Which of course, raises the whole creepy notion of your neighbours spying on your every move.
So, we would retell as:
"Didn't I see your wife shove the simonizer up your ass the other night?"
Mr. Tire, unfazed by the peeping creeping tom, responds, "yup, and its good for 6 hours of use before you recharge."
Chucker: Simonizing your colon? Now that sounds like a cost saving preventative health care initiative. Maybe Clement would like a demo? I know I would... (but only if the proper gels and creams were available of course.)
Another day, another...tool, K-Dough?
Anonymous- Yep- this thread devolved rapidly. You should recruit more women to this blog to raise the level of decorum...or at lest complain about it (lol)
By the way- how 'bout devising a name/alias so we can know it's actually you when drop by?
Fair enough. I'll write your blog-dress in lipstick in the stalls at La Senza.
If I have contributed in any way to the "American-Pie"ism of what was probably a once respectable blog, I hitherto apologize. HOWEVER...I've always had an alternate theory about this margarine and velveeta consuming wonder-bread couple. I think they're swingers. The whole Goddam street, in fact. Just look at how willing he is to: a) not only loan his BRAND NEW STUFF to Flanders next-door, but actually DROP WHATEVER HE WAS DOING to get right under his friggin' car, lawnmower, whatever and completely destroy his weekend. Me thinks "somebody owes somebody", ifn you catch my sickening drift.
Those commercials did serve one purpose, however...they actually informed you what products were in the stores; information impossible to retrieve from any of the ass-dragging employees who can only respond to any inquiry with the dull look of a trapped animal.
Welcome Pam!
You have now entered a world where wasted effort is a virtue; where cats and dogs sleep freely together without fear of persecution; and where the act of talking about eating a diet rich in trans-fat won't make your heart explode!
leather-
1) is it possible that CT employees are lazier than Home Depot employees? Dunno where you live but here in TO the depot zombies are the rudest, dumbest retailers I've seen...
2) "Pam" can no longer conjure the forbidden images entailed by anonymous. Oh wait a sec-nope,"Pam" works too.
3) Why "leatherhands"? (I'm afraid to ask actually)
Interesting, leatherhands. I knew something was up with those two because the garage is so clean. My husband buys some of that crap but it's all in cardboard boxes in the garage and I'm lucky if I can find a freaking screw driver when I need it. Not to mention my thong stick.
You're a away a few days and this blog goes from somewhat serious forum to sticky thongs and swinging tires. That was fast.
chris, if you think this is offensive, go on over to chuckercanuck's blog and read old squid's post about Women's Day. My, my, my.
Chris- just goes to show, you should never go away.
Just so you know, this blog is both serious and ridiculous at times. It reflects the hypocrisy of human nature.
In my weltanschauung, human communication is governed by the same laws that we find in hermeneutical paradigms- the starting and finishing points of of epistemological ponderance and verstehen are in fact, connected in a circle of induction/deduction: the two can not be separated.
So it goes for absurd humour and intellectual debate. They are both part of a creative process, which at its root is held together by linguistic underpinnings.
That said, today I feel like saying dick. DICK. There I said it!
No, not offended, just commenting on the quick descent into madness. Continue!
I will continue to watch here from my bathtub, and try to figure out what the hell K Dough just said - now where's my Merleau-Ponty?
K-Dough,
1) I work in TO,habitate in Belinda-ville. Here, the HD employees run away when they see you coming, the glum CT teens are too lazy to run, so are forced to give you their dumb-fuck look. (Actual exchange with a CT guy this past weekend: Me "do you do the propane tank exchange thing here?" CT employee (with a combination of fear and resentment) "I don't really know" then to a fellow acne zombie "do we have propane stuff here?" employee #2 "I don't think we would have any propane stuff here...what's that?"
Oh nothing guys, just those funny white thingies that are on this SEA OF BARBECUES we are currently surrounded by...
2) I think Pam is toying with us re: our feelings about Stupor Model...if she really is a Pam, my apologies
3) You wouldn't believe me if I told you, but it is a genuine nickmname I've had for many years. I'll just tell you it's music related.
Pam,
I too, resented the clean garage. They are sick. However, the fact that you look for a screwdriver, presumably to engage in some home repair yourself, has just vaulted you to the top of my hotty list.
K-dough,
re: your ethereal entry. You could be the funniest fucking guy I've ever had the pleasure to blog with. (And you have VERY STIFF competition from Chucker and Squid.) Ku-frifggin'-dos.
Leatherhands- 2 quick points:
1) I'm guessing you are a bassist.
2)barbecue weather is here again baby!!!!!!!!
Chris- (aka- wireless in the bathtub)
I hope you are using your dry hand to type!!!!!!!!
nope - voice recognition software. thaif maid sum sirius ad fancys.
Yahoo Chris! This is belly laugh central!
pam was on my site?
that's interesting - because I thought I saw her using her simonizer over there....
pam was on my site?
that's interesting - because I thought I saw her using her simonizer over there....
On a more serious note, I think we need to reflect on what what really matters here. People have lost their jobs.
These two actors spent eight hogtied in a Canadian Tire dumpster living off apple shavings and egg shells, finding freedom but once a year to film these commercials under harsh lighting and fake shrubbery.
What will they do now? Soulpepper? Stage West? Only time will tell, but shouldn't a bank account be opened, a Tim Horton's cup passed for these dear, sweet, pretend fools?
Lol. Actually, I think the mother (can't remember her name offhand- Angela something?) used to be a VJ on Much Music and was in that horrific Canadian soap opera that was on CBC for half a season...
This must've been a real money gig for her...
hey chuckercanuk..I do lurk around your site a little. I was trying to swack potty-mouth squid in the head after his c-rant with my simonizer.
Pam- fyi- smacking Squid only makes things worse. Betcha a little simonizing would shut him up pretty quickly though!
You know, I did see a couple pan-handling in front of the Rideau Centre this morning. I found it odd that they were collecting change in a beautiful, expandable MasterCraft toolbox with bonus drill bits . It's all coming together now.
Pam, that toolbox was part of their severance package. They also received an inflatable mattress and 87ยข in Canadian Tire money.
All this Canadian Tire talk is starting to depress me. I can even smell it....that cheap, sharp, vinyl, neoprene smell that grabs you by the nose hairs and thrusts you into the painful fluorescent-lit reality that:
a)you must find what you are looking for on your own
b)whatever you buy has a 50/50 chance of leaking/cracking/has missing pieces, forcing you to come back an hour later to
c) find yourself once agin consumed by the fumes; wandering aimlessly through the garden section, completely forgetting why the fuck you're there...or, more importantly, why you haven't killed yourself yet.
Oh, but how 'bout that Tim Horton's commercial, with the woman screeching about her LOW FAT YOGURT!!!! BUT IT'S LOW FAT!!! IT'S LOW FAT!! I'd like to know how much THAT guy was paid. It's almost enough to make me boycott Tim's (but it is roll-up-the-rim time).
K dough, I'd never thought of that before. It's a vague threat, isn't it?
The answer is clear. Canadian Tire hired the mob to do their advertising.
That the mob handled the McCain's file would explain the less than successful "Lunch Time, Lunch Time, buy a drinking box or I'll kneecap you" ads from the 80's.
From comedy to investigative reporting in one day. K dough, you've got everything!
Chris- you are too kind. I'm pretty versatile- what can I say? I've ben known to do the downward dog, while singing Rancid's Travis Bickle, breast feed a child (I have super developed masculine milk ducts in my chest)and write a treatise on regional trade networks in Asia- all at the same time.
Back to that song: It needs to be rewritten:
(cue metal guitars/screeching vocal) "Don't start with me!!"
Lol!! With the dad sitting half-up on the sofa, baked out of his mind, and one of his two overweight foulmouthed kids pushing a wet-dry vac in front of him.
Maybe this is what the people handling the new commercial mean by a fresh, edgier look to Canadian Tire....ozzification was the only path to consumer salvation.
The garden section buiness would pick up if he looked baked. Canadian Tire, MORE than just tires (wink wink)
Come to Canadian Tire for all your gardening needs- NOW with cheeseburgers, big puffy couches and bongs!
[Don't start with me!!!!!]
Dad shown driving away from CT with puffy eyes and stupid smile, ketchup all over face, propane pump broken off and hanging out of trunk, back seat full of peat moss and kid in distance left behind crying in parking lot.
Well, it works for me. I'll start going there on Saturday mornings.
K-Dough,
if we are to cross-market, I believe this engineer needs to teach you about advertising.
weren't you listening to O'Reilly on Advertising on CBC Radio? No? What a fake urban sophisticate you are!!
Why McCains commercials are brilliant:
how McCains product do you purchase? my hunch is not a lot. me too. they don't give a fuck how we react their ad because they aren't talking to us. but those damn ads stick in our head.
they know their market.
down in texas, in a food warehouse, I saw a promotional poster from McCains on an office wall. Fries? Nope. Battered and deep fried okra.
Anyway to the real point -
"I'll Start With You"
The whole campaign is designed with one idea: show that for a huge majority of non-food/non-culture items, Canadian Tire has it at a good price.
Plus, it always has things you never thought of purchasing before, but will be pleasantly surprised to find it in their aisles.
"I'll start with you"
So, suburban gentleman, as you begin you Saturday morning big-box chores, start at Canadian Tire. You'll find basically everything you need at a good price and find a battery operated treat for yourself.
Go to Wal-Mart for the things you couldn't find here.
I hate coming late to a party... but somebody has to stick up for Canadian Tire...
It's a national institution. A treasure! It's like... the Bay... but not owned by Americans... yet. (At least I don't think they are).
I used to bring dates there. "Oh, how pathetic," you say? Well, not just any Canadian Tire. The Canadian Tire. That's right, I'm talking Yonge and Davenport, Baby! Hotdogs and coffee. Long flourescent-lit walks through the isles. Spinning bike wheels, drilling drills, the occassional bar-b-que excursion... GOOD TIMES! Heck, they even had a gun section at one time.
Then, when the evening's over, the old, "Should I kiss her now, or should I wait to see how much Canadian Tire money we get?"
That's Romance. That's Canada
Harding(forgive me, I've been drinking since noon)
And I thought I went out with cheap guys.
Chucker - I get your geist and I have two points:
1) What the fuck were you doing in down in Texas, in a food warehouse?
2) I am no "fake urban sophisticate". Not only am I 100% bio-degradable (unlike Pammie- not anonymous Pam- the other one), but I am tattooed from head to foot, swear, drink, masturbate excessively, fight and am extremely uncomfortable in the presence of people who go to trendy fusion restaraunts or wear expensive suits. And far as "urban" goes, I live mid-townish and anyone living downtown thinks I am a mud hut dwelling hunter and gatherer.
I'm too intimidated to say anything witty, but I have to ask, Pam, where do you get thong sticks?
Chris - that voice recognition s/w, where can I get that?
The two unemployed, untalented, unlamented actors - will remain that way, I guess, because everybody in Canada hates them, including probably all casting managers. They will have to move to the US (which might not be far enough away thanks to satellite).
Candice, I think they will be available soon, through infomercial, but double check with K-Dough. BTW, I'd stay away from that voice recognition s/w. Not sure if it's in the rough stages or if chris has a speech impediment.
Pam,
So you thought my post was only worth a "my oh my". At least Richard thought it was worthy of being in his Top 10 of most offensive things he's ever read. But he fucked up, too, because it wasn't meant to be offensive, but then, truth is always offensive to some.Actually, the old hippie saying, "Ass, Gas, or Grass, nobody rides for free" would make a good summary. Too bad dishonest people won't acknowledge it. From what you wrote, I see you live in Ottawa, the Queen of all Whores and the Cunt of all Cunts. Wallow, baby, Wallow!
Old Squid!
K-Dough,
this man deserves a cut of whatever profits eventually come of this.
Squid Out!
Even Dr. Laura says she can't understand why a woman would deny herself the gift of an orgasm. It's easy ,twit, power is far more satisfying than an orgasm.
This is a bit of a generalization, wouldn't you say? We're not all cut from the same bolt of cloth, my foul-mouthed friend. And no woman I know in Ottawa would swallow if you called them a "cunt".
they won't if you call them your wife either.
...you kids is cwazy.
Squid- nice tuh see ya back in action mate, doin' a little Squid Jiggin' are ya? You have to log in as Old Squid though- this anonymous thing is just not befittin' ya!
Pam- As far as I know, Dr. Laura only supports having orgasms if you have one while bringing up in front of the whole co-ed bowling team that your emasculated Christian husband can't get an erection.
Dr. Laura's Lesson: Sex is not about fun or liberation- it's about bitter regret and lashing out.
Chucker- right on the money baby, That's why the internet is every man's best friend!
Now, see, I'm such a charlatan that I would have broken up those three responses into separate posts just to fake my numbers.
But then, I've never broken 50, my man.
Funny shit Chuck.
Once you get a bit, you just can't stop. It's a dangerous game. We'll have to work on the numbers thing...
support each other in the pursuit of...and hopefully not lose our real jobs in the process!
Getting that template up and runnnin' would be a good thing for you though...
I hereby pledge to do my part to help you both crack the 50 mark on a regular basis. I do warn though, when the heroin arrives I could be gone for a few days.
And Chucker, your blogs accasionally make me feel like I'm on page 50 of "A Brief History Of Time"...right when it gets into the quantum physics shyte....but I'll try to rise to the challenge.
Leatherhands: Appreciate the hype dude. Much obliged.
You didn't answer my question from earlier about the name though. You said it was a music thang and I asked if you are a bass player...well? Do you and Jaco have anything in common?
K-Dough the Swingmaster General,
OK...I do love Jaco, but I'm actually a drummer...the soul-mates of bassists. Had a long roller-coaster career, but don't like to use postings to wank about past accomplishments, as I'm essentially an anonymous troll who could say anything. I'm not a rock star by any stretch, but do have a lot of CDs released. (one or two are pretty good, most make me cringe now.)At one point I played in a very heavy band, using baseball bat sized sticks and started wearing leather drumming gloves to help me grip better during a sweat marathon tour. (Heavy metal drumming is like being a tri-athlete...but I was younger and stupider then.) The metal guys called me LeatherHands and the name stuck.
I'm more of a prog-rocker than a metal head, and have a great affinity for anything that is played well. This alienates me from most of the music listening population, and most radio. Hence I'm a news/information junky, and leave the music appreciation to my own self-absorbed little hovel. I haven't had a paying gig in over ten years, so I'm a business-world nobody (as opposed to the music-biz nobody I was) but still play/have a studio/think about music 24/7. There ya go..
Leatherhands- hilarious. I am former 80s headbanger...vocalist. Toured the club/arena circuit with bands like Anvil, Killer Dwarfs, Lee Aaron.
What was your metal band called?
Here's my idea for a replacement commercial.
Picture it: John and Jim are dying to build a new deck in their Riverdale home.
They call up their friends, Alison and Melissa, asking how to go about it, and where to get the materials. "Meet us at the Canadian Tire in 10!" John and Jim jump in their Jeep, and Alison and Melissa get out the Harleys.
The happy heros meet up just outside the Canadian Tire just north of Bloor. Jim and John run around checking out wall sconces, door handles and sales assistants, while Alison and Melissa load up on drillbits, sanderbelts and lumber.
Back at the ranch, John and Jim are in the kitchen mixing margaritas for the womyn. They all enjoy a drink together on J&J's brand new deck!
A "drink responsibly" text line comes up to hector people not to add too much tequila to their margaritas and not to drink and drive.
Classic! I should be in advertising.
K-Dough, GET THE FUCK OUT! Russ from the dwarfs was the singer in my first high-school band (man we sucked) and Simon from Lee Aaron's band played in a few bands with me.
The metal band was Andy Curran's Soho 69; we did the Roll-The-Bones tour, and the record did OK in Germany. (Totally stiffed in Canada.)
Homo- that's fuckin hilarious! I just about spat my coffee out just now!
We are talking about a meeting of the GTA Multi-Beverage Coaliion executive soon...will let ya know!
Awesome. My goal in life is to get you to spit up coffee on your keyboard.
Make sure diku whatever his name is reads it.
I agree, the coalition's been rather dormant lately.
Simon Brierly? Know him from way back. Knew him when he played with paul eastwood in Pink Steel. Know Carl Dixon as well. The scribes were good friends- I still talk to D Miller.
My guitar player and best friend is the gtr plyr from Scarem.
Small fuckin' world!
Thanks leatherhands.
Personally, I wouldn't be caught dead "living" in the 905.
K-Dough,
Haven't the "scribe" word for a while. Actually, "fuckin' scribers".
Don't know the guys in Scarem, but have hoisted a few with D. Small friggin' world indeed. Gotta love it.
K-dough, check out my other posts on topics below, especially under Canadweebs Dull Democracy.
Leather; so I just have to ask: no tattoos?
LOL! Nope, none. Milchem's on Andy's solo album....great drummer. I'm on the one after,(Soho 69) and the one after that.(Caramel.) Tattoos was a stage fave though. We must have a pint one day and share war stories.
I liked Gloria way better when she was married to her first husband, Marty on Traders.
Sheena- Did Not know that. That little suburban vixen really gets around... in her new MotoMaster Hovercraft. I think she gave me a bad case of crabs in '84 after the
Bon Jovi show.
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