Ringo Joins Seal Circus

The last remaining Canadian Harper Seal could become extinct in the next 18 months, says goofy former Beatles drummer Ringo Starr. Never one to be outdone, Ringo recently joined the growing list of celebrities speaking out against the baby Harper Seal's imminent political demise. Starr, 66, plans to give up playing with his X-Box and eating hash brownies at his Scottish estate for a month. During that time, he will oversee the construction of a giant yellow submarine, in which he will sail to the shores of Ottawa dressed as a majorette, with a crew of Norweigian midgets who will double as a tiny marching band in an effort to help the doomed Harper Seal.

Other celebrity activists plan to join Starr's fight. Actor Sean Penn has already constructed a tin fishing boat, from which he will film himself using a long retractable stick device with a boxing glove on the end to punch any reporters who "try to get all up in Ringo's face". A publicist for stupor-model Pamela Anderson says Pammie was apalled when she learned (imagined) that Newfoundland Premier Danny Willliams deep-fries baby seal parts and dips them in koala gravy. Anderson says she will pose nude on a seal skin rug to protest what she claims is the commercial slaughter of milk-fed crated seals in "Japanada". U2 singer Bono has pledged to befriend the seal, then disown it, publicly ridicule it and then befriend it again to see if he can help the Harper Seal's polling results. But it may just be too late, says washed up recording artist and seal advocate Seal.