Demographics Roundup

A new poll this week says country-wide approval for the Tory government is up by 3 points. Unfortunately, a related study suggests that smart people are dying at an alarmingly faster rate than stupid people. The death rate for smart people is up by 200% since the beginnning of the current minority Harper government. But stupid people are living longer and somehow- despite their handicaps - are also breeding faster. In this country today, there are now 4 stupid people being born for every relatively smart baby. The birth rate for ugly babies is also up by 20%. Looking to the future. statistics suggest that by the year 2023, the population of people who can be considered stupid and ugly in Canada will constitute a whopping 87% of our population.

Another independent poll done last week found that 49% of Canadians preferred to watch The Royal Canadian Air Farce, over the Fifth Estate - a jump of almost 29 points since Harper won the last election. Certain sectors of retail sales are also up since the CPC win, including; beef and beef by-products (47%), shot gun racks for SVUs and children's dirt bikes (53%), Confederate flags used as window coverings for low-income pot heads (67%), Garth Brooks CDs (78%) and a line of aesthetically pleasing facial masks for stupid, ugly babies (24%).

*Editor's Note on semantics: The terms stupid and ugly are meant to refer to broad, qualitative categories of intelligence and aesthetic beauty. The author did not intend to maliciously insult any single stupid or ugly person or group. Stupid and/or ugly people deserve our respect, even if we don't talk to them or have sex with them. On the other hand, fudgepacker is a homophobic term, and was not used in this article once.