Tim Bitten
For my liking, Tim Horton's has received far too much press this week on their evil plan to sell 29 million shares on the TSE. Why would I say that? Because I hate Tim Horton's and I don't care who knows it!The grip that Tim's - a glorified donut shop - has on the good citizens of our nation is pervasive and dangerous. Near my work, I see them lined up in queues, waiting for their turn to scarf down a beefy ham-fist full of deep fried lard laced with icing sugar. I watch callously as they sweat and tremble in line like methadone junkies, craving the mocha-choka-loka-latte fix. I hear the typical fat-bottomed suburban commuter happily exclaim, "I gotta get my Tims. I gotta get my rims rolled up. "
Eventually, Tim will be the downfall of all that is good in this country. According to Warren Kinsella, Tim will enter politics one day soon. Only then we will see the true power Tim has been concealing for eons, since he was a malevolent evil spirit locked in a tomb in dusty Egypt. Now that he has been set free, they will all follow him and his dark empire in a mass exodus to the suburbs. Our cities will become eerie burnt-out ghost towns. Corporations and waist lines will fall. It won't be "cool" to jog anymore.
Tims is breakfast death, with its thick liquified sugar and heart-attacking food lumps. 24 hours a day, Tim is sending his little donut monsters out into the world to do his evil bidding without conscience. Because that's what the devil does.
posted by K-Dough at 6:19 AM
44 Comments:
Do you remember what happened the last time some food activists took on a major fast-food chain (McDonalds in the U.K.). They were sued. Are you sure you want to be sued?
Tim Hortons is good coffee.
Tim Hortons is a Canadian tradition (the fact it is now owned by a US corp is irrelivant).
Tim Horton was a Toronto Maple Leaf.
Hence, you're wrong - Timmy's is great and should be successful.
As always, I'm right.
BTW all: This will pretty much be an open thread for the rest of the day. Duty calls. Leave me love or leave me nothing.
K-Dough
K-Dough,
I leave you love.
Tim Horton's sucks.
Long live Krispy Kreme.
Crisy Creme has already lost. It lasted on hype for about 3 months before Canadians realized how horrible they are for us. Now I hear they're sold in boxes in WalMart - always a good indication of quality foodstuffs.
Tim Hortons is one of the few Canadian things that should be embraced... not to mention Kathryn Humphries and Jennifer Valentyne.
Homo: you still sick?
peter, its true. And I mourn its loss. As I don't frequent wal-marts, that access point means nothing.
meanwhile, a box of timbits had my wife puking all Sunday. product rotation issues?
Tim Horton's has reached the dubious distinction of being famous for being famous. Real coffee drinkers (ie people who know their Colombian from their "ground for espresso" from their arse) view the long lineups with a combination of amusement/pity. The same feeling as when I take my kids to McDonalds for one of those disgusting happy meals and a romp in the indoor playground, then look around in horror to see adults there WITHOUT CHILDREN....actually sitting and eating what they think is a "meal".
Timmy's is like eating a cheap candy bar after getting used to Belgian chocolate. Those poor, John Deere hat wearing, bingo playing people just need to be educated. That fucking r-r-r-oll up the rim shit is beyond obnoxious. (Unless of course, I win a 4-runner.)
But it's such fun to roll up the rim and ask a Tim Lover "What's PLASMA mean?" or "What's with this picture of a truck?"
If you're blonde, they fall for it every time.
Love to K-Dough (bet he went through the drive-thru this morning)
Chucker: I agree and would suggest that an entire box of anything would make me throw up too... unless it was beer... in which case it would be a happy barf.
Leather: Your comparison is accurate and I agree that Timmys doesn't compare to a decadent 'cafe-au-lait' on a hot Cuban beach or 'cafe-creme' on a Paris patio. However, I disagree with comparing it to McDonalds. That's evil and you should be forced to listen to K-Dough's music for such a mean comparison.
Pam: LOL! I love that. I should go out at lunch and try that!
You're a funny Ottawa chick.
Dude. The sheer passion of your attack on Tim's suggests that you, yourself, are a recovering disciple of the old-fashioned glazed. Have you, K-dough, looked the doughnut in the hole... and seen yourself? It's okay, you are amongst friends. Well, acquaintances and one night stands, anyway.
Pam,
I say to them: oh, no plasma screen for me, I'm wobbly around blood.
Peter,
McDonald's at least knows how to make a cup of tea.
Pam...you continue to be a scream!
Peter..at least I didn't compare it to KFC.
God damn Tim Hortons and Krispy Kreme and their fetid "coffee". I say so sipping a lovely black beverage of my own grinding knowing that it was organically-grown and fairly-traded.
As for "rolling up the rim", it means to me that springtime is now marked by the changing of the colour of the litter from brown to red.
I want a beer. A nice cold Grolsch or a creamy Boddingtons.
The Roll-Up-The-Rim is a phenominal advertising success. It's identified with Timmys even after Coffee Time (or whatever) tried to do the same.
Having said that, I've never won anything so I hate it.
Leatherhands, your first comment was hilarious, but you underestimate the group of people who buy into the Tim Horton's myth. Spend a few minutes on Bay Street and watch as fabulously wealthy bankers and lawyers queue up for a steaming pile of crap, served fresh in a bread bowl.
The Tim Horton's phenomenon is the cleaest evidence that Canadians spend too much time picking on Americans to notice how small-town we ourselves are.
I still have nightmares from the one time I ordered coffee there.
chris,
then try tea. she says, "do you want milk with that?"
I say, "yes."
she pours cold milk over the tea bag and THEN puts tepid water in the cup.
talk about insulting.
Thanks for that, Mark Something. I'll be there this summer. Best double Espresso in TO...Balzac's coffee in the distillery district. (You pay for it though..)
There is also a great place in Kensington Market that will go unnamed (since my palm has not been greased)for beans.
Best coffee I've ever had? Toss up between the frothy Amsterdam coffee shop style with sweet and creamy koffie melk and the classic grainy earthy Turkish/Greek nes cafe.
Serving suggestion: Crumble a nice dark, moist piece of nature's goodness in there and it's the best thing in the world!!!
As for Tim and his fucking suburban caramel loserchino zombies: Just more evidence that democratization can ruin beautiful things.
K-dough's back with his irreverent hilarity!
More great coffee recommendations (we may as well use this thread for education)...Vietnamese coffee from an authentic place. That combination of thick, black earthen coffee and thick condensed milk is a must-have experience.
Only for a moment.
And there I was- gone.
Duty calls, citizens of blogopolis!
K-Dough, Tim Horton is one of my life lines.
Chucker, Krsip Kreme, yuck man.
And the Habs won because me dear Eddie wasn't there and quinn put a idiot on the net duty.
Having said that, I've never won anything so I hate it.
peter. You're looking in the wrong places. Try elementary school garbage cans. I'm sure you could wrestle a winning cup away from even the strongest 6-year-old. If not, try pulling her pony tails.
Tims is better than Burger King, KFC, McDonalds, Harveys etc. No chance of getting a heart attack while drinking Tims coffee.
I notice, Joanne, you don't mention Tim's parent company - Dublin, Ohio-based Wendy's.
Addicted to their loaded baked potatoes perhaps?
It's quite sad how they can rape a potato, don't you think? They are exploited potatoes. They are potato whores. All tarted up with processed cheez and fake bacon bits.
I've obviously had way too much bad coffee today.I'm losing it.
au contraire joanne - those iced "cappuccinos" come in at about 450 calories with nearly 25 grams of fat!
What's debatable is whether or not those things count as coffee in the first place.
anonymous was I.
pam,
you go girl. they drag the potato down to their gutter-level.
meanwhile, at Paris on Ontario and St-Denis, they cook their fries in.... wait for it....
duck fat.
tell me that doesn't have in your car and headed down the 417 the minute you read this.
have you in your car, of course.
"Tim Horton was a Toronto Maple Leaf."
Aw, thanks for ruining it for me Peter. Now I can't ever go to Tim's for a coffee again!
Vive les Habitants!!!!!!!
Sorry Leatherhands, but you might want to try the Bulldog Cafe on Granby St., at Church, before you give the best coffee in TO title to anyone else. (And, yes, I've been to Balzac's!)
As always, gay guys are the best at just about everything.
Seriously, though, if you like coffee, try the Bulldog. You'll thank me for it!
"peter. You're looking in the wrong places. Try elementary school garbage cans. I'm sure you could wrestle a winning cup away from even the strongest 6-year-old. If not, try pulling her pony tails."
Havril, you obviously haven't met Peter, have you?
"I notice, Joanne, you don't mention Tim's parent company - Dublin, Ohio-based Wendy's."
I've got the goods on Joanne: she's actually a major shareholder in Wendy's, hence her shameless plugs for the food conglomerate.
In fact, I have it on good authority that she engineered the Tim Hortons takeover. She was quoted by my unnamed source at Fortune magazine as saying that, "Two such great tastes just have to go together!"
Chucker, the thought of all those ducks, rendered to cook freshly-cut potatos...that bring a tear to this eyeless pirate's sockets.
YUM!!I bet they make a mean duck poutine.I can almost hear my arteries slamming shut.
Do you really think Joanne is a Tim Horton's mole? Like, for real? Tim Horton was a Maple Leaf and she is a fan..and Tim Horton's makes a Maple donut..homo, I think you're on to something.
Hey, Pam, I have it on good authority (read: pure conjecture), that Joanne owns so much Wendy's stock that she wraps her Christmas gifts in share certificates.
I also heard that she's so rich that she owns a yacht that's big enough to carry the Queen Elizabeth II as its lifeboat.
But then, nothing's certain in this world.
So Joanne, can I borrow a couple of hundred million dollars?
Oh, and Pam, between you and me, about Joanne being a Leafs fan, doesn't that just prove the adage that money alone can't buy good taste?
Thanks Homo, I'll definitely try the Bulldog. I did only credit Balzac's, however, with the "best double espresso" crown. The presentation is Eiginsin Farm extraordinary.
I do bow to your gay sensibilities, however. I am a wise metrosexual.
Joanne- ease up on the crack honey. I think it is becoming a 'thing'...
Sheena is a true patriot, but I have to put my allegiance over to the Krispy Kreme side. So they expanded too quickly, didn't stay on top of the market research, forgot their core competencies. But until you've had an original glazed, hot off the conveyor belt, liquid sugar dripping down the chin, hardening right in the dimple, you really haven't lived.
I remember my first time like it was yesterday. They can't be eaten cold. That was their screwup.
And I'd love to see the day when Timmy can get 7 quid for a dozen at Harrod's.
Montreal has a hockey team??????
OOOOOHHHHH right, I forgot....
Dino- you're kidding right? After this weekend it is quite evident that the Habs are on their way once again to an awesome post-season.
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