Bullet Boats for Bush
The new thaw in bi-lateral relations between Ottawa and Washington is really starting to pay-off for George Bush, Stephen Harper and proponents of re-militarizing the Great Lakes. Thankfully, the longest undefended border in the world will now be protected by rapid-firing machine guns mounted on terrorist-seeking death boats, for the first time since just after we kicked some American ass in 1812. A treaty has prohibited the practice since 1817, but that treaty has now been "reinterpreted".Finally, our relationship with the White House is back on track!
American children will now be able to sleep at night, knowing that for the first time in almost 200 years, armed-to-the-tits American commandos will be able to riddle floating Lake Trout carcasses with lead, and defend their beleaguered country against a variety of sea birds -- with 7.62-mm machine-guns capable of shooting 600 bullets per minute.
The U.S. says, in particular, seagulls have been identified as an anti-U.S. species, because of their fondness for French Fries, which are now a prohibited food in the U.S., due to France's refusal to join the illegal U.S.-led invasion of Iraq.
posted by K-Dough at 7:40 AM
53 Comments:
While I'm always up for some target practice on seagulls, I'm not sure these "death boats" are completely necessary.
Btw, Happy St.Patricks Day!
Green Sweatervests for Everyone!
Well, the needed to do something with that Rochester Ferry. The damn thing cost a fortune, and now that it's not providing transport service, someone has to make use of the fabulous cocktail bar, gift shop, cafe and lounge.
Now, instead of pushing boatloads of Canadian immigrants crossing the Great Lakes on rafts to freedom through the US refugee system, they can just shoot them.
This saves taxpayer dollars and defends freedom from freedom-seeking Canucks.
Personally, I think it is sick that after 200 hundred years of not having any problem whatsoever. The Americans think they can suddenly militarize our borders, and Harper is just sitting back and taking it.
Harper claimed he would protect Canada, but right now it looks like he just wants the states to roll over us.
Heaven help us if the states suddenly decide they need to move their "protections" further north into sovereign territory with Harper in power. We may just see American troops stomping through Montreal or Toronto to weed out those darn terrorists. :(
Mark SomethingI think they should turn their eyes inward and weed out the bad seeds in their own overgrown backyard.
The first on the list should be battered-chicken advocate, stupor model and enemy of the State of Japanada Pamela Anderson, seeing as PETA is now being watched by the CIA.
Harding: The conversion of the Rochester-Toronto ferry will be complete by the end of April. They are welding massive iron plats on the thing and equipping it with anti-aircraft artillery and surface to surface torpedoes. They are going to re-name it "The Monitor".
I heard someone chant that at last year's Pride Parade by someone wearing a fisherman's hat and clogs.
At Pride last year, all I heard was what I always hear from Diku and others: "another round of rainbow jello shooters for all my friends!"
and
"hey K-Dough- slather some more Crisco on your shaven ripped chest and dance like a sexy monkey for us!!"
I like to throw the gay kids a bone once in awhile...
No. Not that kind of bone, dirty birds!
If the Americans are intent on isolating themselves so much (while continuously invading other countries... for some reason) then I support Mark Something's suggestion of the wall.
As Pink Floyd stated,
"And when they've given you their all,
Some stagger and fall,
after all it's not easy
Banging your heart against some mad bugger's wall."
wait a second.
yesterday, there was shaved chests and South Pacific on the menu.
today, we're swapping Pride parade stories?
chuckercanuck looks up at the people and says, "wait a minute, this isn't a sports bar????!!!"
Peter: Gotta love that Pink Floyd guy.
All: But seriously, this is a serious issue that threatens our so-called "peaceful co-existence."
Why the fuck is the Canadian MSM ignoring it? Google news it- you'll see what I'm talking about. A bunch of hits for US media but only CBC here. Sad, sad, sad.
The media are defenders of democracy? My ass.
Another blue oyster Chuck? They're freshly shucked!
Does this mean camo bikinis are in this summer?
Chucker cont'd: "uh wait- what does that sign say?"
Jason Kenney: "It's hard to read the neon in this dim red light....uhhhhhh...The Beef Baron Bar and Grill?"
Chucker: "I thought it was a good ole fashioned steak house, but all they have on the menu are something called poppers and exotic coolers".
Enter Deborah Grey: Hey guys! Never thought I'd see youse here. Can I buy yas a pint a Big Rock?
There was a summer when camo bikinis weren't in?
A Toronto firm is designing a new flak bikini, for sunbathers on Ontario beaches this summer.
The sturdy, booby armour will help protect against stray bullets that may pepper local beaches from power-crazed US coast guards on routine death patrols in nearby waters.
hilarious!
Jason Kenney: you know, I'm a virgin. (nudges me and winks).
Deb Grey: strap me up, Jason, I'll take you on your maiden voyage.
Jason Kenney: that's going to get Rob Anders might jealous, Deb.
Deb Grey: Ah, he's such a sissy. Look at him sip his Blue Lagoon.
That is so reassuring, K-Dough. I'd hate to lose a nipple on the beach.
CC: lol.
One small continuity problem in your dialgue though:
My rainbow sources say they will only serve you a Blue Lagoon in the village if you are wearing nothing but a loin cloth...
Pam- I know, that can be a real downer.
I lost a testicle on the beach once, well I didn't so much as lose it- I accidently buried it in part of a lifesized sand sculpture of Brian Orser that I was building... Boy was I embarrased when the tide came in!
I lost both my testicles when I married my ex. They're just starting to grow back now.
Leatherhands: Good luck on rearing those nascent testi-buds!!!!!
What are you diong this weekend? Wanna grab a couple cheese sandwiches and two-four and go sailing on Lake Ontario? I thought maybe we could take a small unmarked fishing boat over to Buffalo and see if we can make it past the floating psychos.
Up for it?
I'm always up for risking becoming riddled with bullets...gives me that juvenile, daredevil thrill. However, you've all missed the only important issue....how will this affect the availability of weed?
leatherhands,
if they can't sell it down there, its a glut up here - Yanks are just trying to keep the prices down for you.
Considering it's mostly grown in Vaughan and BC, not at all.
Americans should be worrying about their supply though!
I love it!! Thanks to the demon weed, Vaughan gets mentioned in the same context as an entire province! (Barrie lost it's status after that abandoned Molson plant bust.)
Well, this is just another blow to the farmers of Eastern Ontario. First the closed the borders to our beef, now our weed. It's not right, I tell you!
(Do you think this might drop the prices? Maybe we'll have a "weed war")
I came to the conclusion that weed was evil the day I found myself transfixed by a Bog Seger song on the radio, thinking.."ya know, he's brilliant." The horror. The horror.
My moment of realization happened in the early 80s, in a bathroom at friend's house, when I realized I couldn't undrtsand what I was saying to myself in the mirror, let alone figure out how to get back to the living room.
Damned Jamaican hash oil!
Standing in front of a mirror talking to yourself? Sounds more like acid. That ol' Jamaican hash oil just made you cough your liver up.
Leather- Nope. It was so thick you could roll it around in your fingers. The Anvil boys hooked me up. Never seen anything like before or since. A couple of hauls off the dirty BTer and it was game over baby.
My LSD experiences are too numerous to document here, but the drug opened up a portal in my brain I've never been able to close (not that I'd want to...).
Let's move from the drug talk to something more St. Paddy's Day. We needs some booze-related poetry:
Rounds
Carol Ann Duffy
Eight pints
of lager, please,
and, of draught Guinness, nine;
two glasses of pale ale—a squeeze
of lemon in that port—a dry white wine,
four rums, three G-and-T’s, a vodka—that’s the lot.
On second thoughts, you’d better give me one more double scotch.
A half
of scrumpy here,
and over there a stout.
I think we’re ready for more beer;
ten brandies, three martinis—no, my shout!
A triple advocaat with lemonade and lime
and six Bacardis—make that twelve, I’ve just noticed the time.
Six calves
of Harlsberg—fast—
pine bitter shandies—tents—
and make the landies barge; a vast
treasure of mipple X, ten meme de crenthes,
nine muddy blaries and, of winger gine, a wealth.
Got that? And then the rame again all sound and one yourself.
Ok ChrisMy fave:
Dropkick Murphys- Barroom Hero
Face down in the gutter won't admit defeat though his clothes are soiled and black,
He's a big, strong man with a childs mind, don't you take his booze away!
He's been at it for years drinking balls and beer he's a hero to most he meets,
But inside he cries black swollen eyes, this man he sheds no tears!
Now his wife and kids sing a different tune as they worry about their daddy dying,
But this arrogant fool breaks every rule it'll be nothing but pride that kills him.
Could he listen no he won't that's all she wrote he'll be dead before the daylight shines,
But the thoughts and prayers of a million strong might keep this fool from dying.
He's a legend in the bar with every scar fights a thousand bigger men,
But now he fights and looses got all the bruises will someone please step in?
Drink fast, drink slow,
Drink lots before you go,
A rose is a rose is a rose,
It pricks the thumb and krinkles the nose,
But Jamieson that's heavans stuff,
And chuckercanuck cannot get enough.
Ever heard of the site AGORAVOX? They refused my post today because it wasn't "inappropriate for publication" although they "really appreciate(d)the humor in (my) story".
Jason Cherniak is the one who tured me on to the site saying it was great. That should have been my first clue that it was lame.
All I have to say is "fuck you very much AgoraVox, you frozen-assed Euro-trash e-rag".
Pam- I know it's driving me to drink...
Will have to consume an extra pint for them later!
That'll fix them,K! I'd have one, too, but I'm still at work and I've been warned a few times about that sort of thing...;)
Agorvox wants "regular" people to write like "journalists". Cherkniak's pablum is perfect, while your post crosses too many lines. It's too clever.
For example, what happens when some kid in grade four does his report on the Great Lakes telling everyone how Americans are killing seagulls? Agoravox does not want angry teachers and parents e-mailing them! They are serious!
They are as timid as the main stream media they're trying to take down.
I think the "armed to the tits" line was the kicker. The rest didn't matter.
K-Dough,
Those assholes refused your submission, eh?
Maybe I should try one? After all, I'm told I'm swave and deeboner and have a way with the ladies. Maybe I can gently encourage them to re-look your submission.
Here's an example of my classy style: Any sentence with boner, submission, and Pam in any context, is guaranteed to spike your blood pressure.
Chris/Squid- thnx for the props dudes.
I may be unsophisticated but AgoraVox can feltch my dog's unkempt ass. Oh yeah and then they can blow me.
K-Dough,
You're welcome ,dude.
Now try reading this again: Boner, submission, Pam. Doesn't that spike your blood pressure and raise your heart rate?
Squid- I feel ya man. But you have to understand something about Pam.
Pam is an enigma.
She is every woman to us. I only hope she realizes the dear place she holds in our hearts and the nether regions of a large sector of the readership!
K-Dough,
Amen to that, my brother, She reminds me of wife # 4.
Hey, K-Dough, do you think there'll be any fucking in Heaven?
I just went to AgoraVox.
K-Dough, I think its european. Now, I know you're all progressive folks here and so saying "european" means "classy, like" but -
uggghhhhh. wanker-ville. the first article I read was "100 utilitarian functions for papier mache".
And Jason Cherniak? I'm sure he's a nice kid, but - part of Scott Brison's troubles is he reads that blog....
Squid: I don't know the answer to your question. I am however hopeful that there is a lot more fucking there then there is in holy matrimony here.
Chucker: I knew it was European. That's why I was very surprised by their response. Oh well. I sent them an e-mail back calling them "conservative tight asses".
Ok- so here I am signing off for several hours while I go drink my cares away with a bunch of people I love.
Hope you kids are doing the same!!!!!!
Happy Excuse #343 To Drink Beer Day !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And there I was...gone.
K-Dough, Ain't that the truth? There's a lot to be said for the saying that if you want to slow down your sex life...just get married Ain't the blogs grand? You and I, with help from Chuckercanuck, are discussing theology and sex education and there ain't a professor in sight.I wonder if St. Patrick ever got a belly full of stout before he got laid? That's why God made booze, you know, so Saints would fuck ugly women.
Saint Squid- It's got a nice ring to it eh?
St. Squid....Patron Saint of Ugly Women? It could work.
Pam,
Now I'm REALLY starting to like you!
Just now? I've liked her from afar for so long now.
But then again I have a thing for chicks with one syllable names...
K-Dough,
Hey, I liked her,too. But now I like her enough to help her re-conceal her switchblade.
I am not going to touch that one with a 10 foot spear...
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