Twain Engines Drive Nutcase
A guy from Ottawa was acquitted this week of drunk driving charges because he believes Shania Twain helps him drive. The guy also believes that female celebrities, in general, are controlling his life. Now, I ask you: What kind of a sick society do we live in when a guy expresses his belief that women are in charge of his fate, and everyone says he has mental problems?C'mon! Just last night, Jessica Simpson made me masturbate! It's true. I was sitting there in front of my TV, minding my own freakin' business, when all of a sudden there's Jessica in an almost see-through, wet white bikini- smiling devilishly at me from the other side of the magic TV box window thing. I actually tripped over my spontaneously undone pants and smashed my head on the toilet as I raced to that beautiful shiny bottle of jack juice I had stashed in the bathroom.
And then, the other day, we had finished cleaning up after dinner and putting our daughter to bed after a long, hard day at work. I sat down and was about to read a magazine and my wife says to me "hey- you know it's garbage night, right?". Well, I don't need to tell you the rest.
So, don't give me this bullshit about being crazy - women control men's lives. This same loser killed a woman in a drunk driving accident years ago. I say they should strap one of those electric high voltage testicle toaster things on his scrotum that is activated every time he gets behind the wheel.
Fry his nuts, but don't tell me he is nuts.
posted by K-Dough at 7:30 AM
38 Comments:
I don't think a sane person could've devised such a weird defence.
Therefore, I'd give the guy a reduced sentence for having Shania Twain occupy his brain but then a longer stay in the drool-ward because he believes Shania Twain occupied his brain.
PS. Ashley has left the building.
Not true. I've come up with few doozies in my time dude. And I'm not (that) crazy.
By the way Peter- thanks for always being the first to come (here)everyday!
No my life, they don't.
I've been first a couple of times, where's my thanks?
In the beginning you are all DYING to take out our garbages. You are fighting for the chance to grab that Handi Sac. A few years later it's such a chore. Make up your minds.
I do agree with you about the drunk driver. He should be fried.
Yes, indeed. Peter was the teacher's pet. For 4 long years through grades 2-6, he was kept locked in cage filled with wood chips in the classroom- naked. They fed him pellets and made him run in a giant wheel. The children performed terrible science experiments on him, and they called him Hamster Boy.
But through it all, he remained calm, loyal and without a bitter bone in his furry little body.
That's why K-Dough loves his Hamster Boy!
"You are fighting for the chance to grab that Handi Sac. A few years later it's such a chore. Make up your minds."
Pam, if you're gonna float a balloon out like that....
...you'd better have the hot air to keep it up?
I guess that means we're soul mates K-Dough; you finish my sentences.
I was actually thinking more like "....I don't have the heart to spike it" but I liked yours better.
What a ridiculous topic to do a post on. I'm never reading your blog, or mine, again.
Havril:
Instead, we could discuss Harper's media restrictions and his muted ministers.
Peter, that's crazy talk! Don't say another word, or HoC security might drag you down to the National Press Theatre at night and beat you with old volumes of Hansard... Big, Crosbie-era volumes.
K-Dough, you know I'm full of hot air.
And you know I'm right about the garbage.
Havril: I'd like to see you work a masturbatory accident in with a social justice issue. The use of the phrase "jack juice" alone justified the post to me.
That said, I'm never reading my blog again either. From now on, it's blindfolded posting only. I'll have no idea what I'm writing about or what anyone has to say about it. Fuck convention!
BTW- The Hansard comment was gold Jerry-gold I tell you!
Pam- I love you just the way you are. And no those jeans don't make your ass look anything but perfect!
Leatherhands- Unfortunately, I am currently in a long-term committed relationship. If the status of that relationship or my sexuality change in the future, I will be sure to let you know.
Marksomething: Which step-brother?
K-
Thanks. I'm having a day from Hell and I needed to hear that. Now go and take out the garbage, hon.
K-Dough,
Frying this guys nuts will only make his kids come out a toasty looking colour. He needs to be gone.
k-dough...
I'd like to see you work a masturbatory accident in with a social justice issue.
Hmmm. Last time you wanted me to work in an Ookpik. But for you, anything. After all, you are my best webcam customer.
BTW- The Hansard comment was gold Jerry-gold I tell you!
Thanks. We'll talk more over a meal at Mendy's.
Havril- you know. I'm not really hungry. I think I'll just have the soup.
No soup for you.
And that Banya is such a hack.
And K, soup is a meal.
I have regressed, K-Dough. I went on an amazon.com tear finding used CDs from the mid eighties that I used to call "production God" albums, which somehow got left behind in various houses/studios/marriages. I've been blowing my head clean off in the car with:
Propaganda: a Secret Wish
-cutting edge German high-tech outfit with production contributions from Trevor Horne, SJ Lipson...stunning "Wide-Screen" Eurosynth stuff.
The System: Don't Disturb this groove
A production team of two guys (black singer dude and absolute synth wiz Davis Frank) who produced albums by Chaka Khan, etc. decided to do a disc of their own. Swirling, delicious pop/funk wizardry, with killer synth bass lines to die for.
Yeah it's old, yeah it's dated, but when you crank it in the car it's timeless.
leather: When you said "production God" what immediately came to mind was
Big Generator. I was big into prog stuff. My all-time fave band is probably Marillion.
A far as regression goes, for me I returned to me roots about 2 years ago- everything from Motorhead, Saxon, Maiden, Priest, Tank, Tygers of Pan Tang, Accept etc...
I will listen to this shit till I die. I went through the "it's not cool - got to be modern" phase for a long time, but it is awesome to rediscover why you truly loved something.
Of course, everything mentioned above regularly plays on my iPod- alongside tons of ambient, salsa, acoustic rock, bhangra and of course punk (esp. Rancid, Gob and Drop Kick Murphys)
I had ambient salsa once. Once.
And one more plug for iPods and Steve Jobs is gonna come a callin'!
Chris- sorry I should have said my testy, tempermental, over-priced, already obsolete generic fucking personal MP3 player with absolutely no product support from a company that does NOT value its customers and will go unnamed...
(APPLE/MAC COMPUTERS)
I think the Nano is a better product than the IPod or Mini. I bought my daughter one for Christmas and she hasn't had too many problems YET, but it is a little testy. I have a cheaper MP3 player for running and have had no problems with it at all. And if I do? I'll toss it because it was $90 and I won't have to fight with Future Shop OR Apple.
Pam- I have a couple as well...
I leave the 40 gig plugged into my tuner...and carry a cheap one around all day.
BTW- did I mention MAC sucks? And I don't mean the overpriced cosmetic line.
marksomething- I thought with all the humming going on in your distracted gourd that you didn't require external stimuli?
Nice save K dough, and hear hear Mark something - I have an 8-track, an amp and a set of speakers that I cart around in a wheelbarrow!
It's a good thing I can't get enough of Earth Wind and Fire...
MAC-the overpriced cosmetic line DOES suck and their customer service dept is worse than Apple.
chris,
LOL-8 tracks...Can you hear songs from track 3 playing when you are on track 4?
Yes I do!
I'm way ahead of my time in fact. I've been splicing my worn down 8 tracks together, making analog mashups that would either impress or horrify you.
That reminds me - Karen Carpenter would have made a great Village Person.
sorry I'm late for the party. I'm in Pittsburgh with limited access to blogolia.
Anyway, I think the guy's story would be more believable if the women he thought controlled his life were jewish. Barbara Streisand, Roseanne Barr, etc.,etc.
They control all of our lives.
note: the above is called a joke. the butt of the joke are not jews, but those folks who say things like, "the Mossad called jews who worked in the WTC on 9/11 - they didn't show up for work."
I point that out in case Ashley MacIsaac wants to call me an anti-semite.
sorry I'm late for the party. I'm in Pittsburgh with limited access to blogolia.
Anyway, I think the guy's story would be more believable if the women he thought controlled his life were jewish. Barbara Streisand, Roseanne Barr, etc.,etc.
They control all of our lives.
note: the above is called a joke. the butt of the joke are not jews, but those folks who say things like, "the Mossad called jews who worked in the WTC on 9/11 - they didn't show up for work."
I point that out in case Ashley MacIsaac wants to call me an anti-semite.
K-Dough, you find the weirdist topics to post about but they end up to be very entertaining. I had my first good laugh of the day after spending most of the day waiting at to see a doctor. And some of the exchanges here are entertaining too. Imagine K-Dough and Leatherhands dating each other.
K-Dough and everyone else. ashely came and left but no one was here at that time to question him. He answered most of your questions on the other thread.He certainly chose a good time to post. 1am.
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