Top 15 Worst Canadian TV Productions

The speculation ran rampant and wild yesterday on the contents of this highly anticipated list. Now, you can all finally get some much needed sleep and relieve yourselves in what ever manner you see fit. Fly free sweet blogaholics and let the juices of hapiness flow like wine!

And now, on to the list. There have been so many absolutely fucking retarded Canadian TV shows that this was a not an easy task. In fact, I lengthened the list- only for today- to a whopping 15 so-called productions. And without further nose and ass holding, here they are...

Top 15 Worst Canadian TV Productions

1. Smith and Smith
2. Rita And Friends
3. The Rene Simard Show
4. Tiny Talent Time
5. Royal Canadian Air Farce
6. 100 Huntley Street
7. Party Game
8. To Serve and Protect
9. Super Dave Osbourne
10. Ed's Night Party
11. The Littlest Hobo
12. Jonovision
13. The Polka Dot Door
14. Train 48
15. Little Mosque on the Prairie

In Defense of Kinsella

This week a few knee-jerks are calling Warren Kinsella a mysogynist sexist pig. Why? for writing this simple sentence, prefacing a top ten blogger list:
Oh, and memo to Canada: WE NEED MORE SMART FEMALE BLOGGERS NOW!
(Click HERE to read the post- click on "Top Ten", then "Bloggers")

So what? Maybe he thinks most of the female political bloggers he's read suck - and not in the good way. Whatever he thinks - because it was an off-the-cuff comment, not a hateful treatise- it's his opinion. I happen to think most political bloggers in general suck the hind teat. Does that make me anti-free speech?

You detractors should really get lives. If Kinsella took a dump and it looked like Bin Laden, jealous bloggers would be calling him a terrorist. Get a grip monkey people. This lobbing your own shit at the bars of your cages is getting reallllllly old.

The guy is well-known for whatever reason. Get over it.

Top Ten Classic Canadian TV Productions

Top Ten Classic Canadian TV Productions:

1. Rick Mercer's Talking to Americans
2. The Kids in the Hall
3. SCTV
4. City Limits (all night weekend video show that launched Wayne's World)
5. Hockey Night in Canada!
6. Trailer Park Boys
7. The New Music with JD Roberts and Jeannie Becker
8. The Tom Green Show
9. Tales of the Riverbank
10. Bizarre

Tune in tomorrow for my list of the worst!

Top Ten Sexiest Canadian Women

Instead of posting today on the self-destructive attack ads the federal conservatives are currently airing and how the party has become its own undoing, I am going to a much better, warmer place in my mind - and it ain't Carolina baby.

Here now is my list of the Top Ten Sexiest Canadian Women , just off the top of my pants:

1. Avril Lavigne
2. Chantal Kreviazuk
3. Mitsou Gelinas
4. Kathryn Humphreys (City TV Toronto sports reporter)
5. Shannon Tweed (She's a Newfie!)
6. Sarah McLachlan
7. Lisa Rani Ray (star of Bollywood Hollywood)
8. Wendy Mesley
9. Josee Chouinard
10. Shania Twain

Top Ten '80s Euro-Metal Records

And now, the next in my series of completely selfish, pointless lists of metallic memories. These are examples of virtuoso-level Euro melodic metal goodness. Anyone with an appreciation of the difficulty in perfoming acrobatic musicianship will definitely appreciate these masterpieces. These are some of the fucking heaviest guitar and vocal records of all time to me. If you haven't heard 'em you really should!

1. Alcatrazz - No Parole From Rock 'n Roll
   
2. Gary Moore - Dirty Fingers
   
3. Michael Schenker Group - Assault Attack
   
4. Ronnie James Dio - Last in Line
   
5. Rainbow- Straight Between The Eyes
6. Yngwie Malmsteen - Marching Out
   
7. Scorpions - Blackout
   
8. Ozzy Osbourne - Diary of a Madman
9. Michael Schenker Group- Built to Destroy
   
10. Alcatrazz - Disturbing the Peace
    

Top 10 Early '80s Metal Records

While I realize that most of you could not give a flying rat's ass fuck about this, I am posting it because I can, for posterity's sake. I thought the random Googlers out there might want to read my list of the Top 10 Early '80s Metal Records that I own and cherish. I could not live without these energetic babies.

Without further ado, here they are in random order:

1. Tank - Filth Hounds of Hades
2. Iron Maiden - Killers
3. Judas Priest - Point of Entry
4. Saxon - Denim and Leather
5. Tygers of Pan Tang - Spellbound
6. Motorhead - Ace of Spades
7. Anvil- Metal on Metal
8. Accept- Balls To The Wall
9. Iron Maiden - Number of the Beast
10. Raven - All For One

Donate to the Blog Bank

Happy F-Day, you engorged sexified mofos.

I am soliciting ideas for posts. Lately, (today) I've really been getting bored of the same ole political shite. That's not to say I'm going to stop e-scribbling on political issues, but I feel like I need to freshen things up from time to time.

That's where y'all come in. I am asking you - the window licking public- to send me your ideas/requests for Top Ten Lists and Totally Fake Interview subjects. The thing to remember is that there has to be a Canadian angle to your brilliant request.

So c'mon, let's get all live and interactive and shit. But remember, no kissing on the lips and always wear a condom. I'm wearing one right now, because it's too cold to ride my bike to work today and, well, you just never know what's gonna happen on the TTC. They don't call it theRed Rocket for nothing!

Shameless Name Dropping and Sex Talk

So, I'm having drinks and dinner last night on College Street with my TV personality-feminist-social activist-lawyer-friend and we are getting a sweet buzz and talking really loudly about the sexualization of teen women, trash culture, mass media, blow jobs and such and I look to the table next to us and who is sitting there talking about orgasms (I think) a lot quieter than we are? Ex-Much VJ and star of sexually-explicit, critics fave film Shortbus, Sook Yin-Lee. How a propos.

Have I mentioned that I love my city?

Protect Oil/Clean Air?

The Canadian Press is reporting that Stephen Harper says Canada is going to impose tougher emissions standards on the auto sector, but won't follow the U.S. in setting hard targets for reducing oil consumption.

What a funny little green strategy Harpo has concocted. Albertans claim the NEP alienated their province in the '70s, and now Harpo and his merry band of idiots are going to alienate the entire REST OF THE COUNTRY that they claim they want to govern on the doorstep of an impending election. Huh.

Personally, I think they've got an OPPOSITION fetish. It's been a while guys, but don't worry- you'll be back there soon enough!

My 5 Best Qualities of a Modern Canadian Man

Just so you didn't think I was bullshitting you yesterday, here is my list of the qualities that I think Canadian** men should strive to improve- always and forever. To me, there is no static state of perfection or achievement. As much as we achieve as humans in one aspect of our lives, we also fall backward or stagnate in some other aspect. That said, I have to say that this list applies to women as well.

Compassion- Striving to understand where others are coming from and adjusting our ears, hearts, opinions and fists accordingly: Their contexts, their feelings, their histories, their biases are just as important as our own. Most conflict arises from not respecting this point.

Intelligence- Pursuing higher learning on any level in life. Whether it is in a trade, an art, a philosophy, a humanistic pursuit, a domestic responsibility, etc. Also, we should spread that knowledge with an open mind. Teaching is just as important as learning and teachers must constantly learn from those they teach.

Balance- Respecting that our lives can and should be augmented by a breadth of interests and pursuits. At the same time, recognizing that focus on only one or a few of those potentials is limiting and makes us shallow and stupid. On the other end of the spectrum, spreading our lives too thin among competing priorities also makes us shallow and stupid. Above all, balancing worldly responsibilities and frivolous (but necessary) distractions with the needs of our souls and the needs of the souls closest to ours is balance.

Judicious Discretion - Using power judiciously. Understanding that if by supporting the rights of one we take from another and they suffer, that injustice needs to be addressed or ameliorated at any cost. Killing only if need be in self-defence or in direct defense of others' lives. Spending and conserving wisely.

Communicative Openness- Taking time in life to reflect on, identify and understand one's inner self. Openly expressing our feelings and philosophies to others without fear of vulnerability. Admitting our vulnerability makes us strong.

**I say Canadian because this is where I live and is the culture I am most familiar with. Why do I think these should be Canadian qualities per se? Only because they reflect the kind of society we have built here in a traditionally fairly liberal, relatively socially-conscious state. Of course, this is all just my opinion.

Note: For those of you who aren't sure how this works. Once you are tagged you may participate by writing a post on this topic and linking back to the permalink for this original post in your piece. Then you should "tag" 5 others with the responsibility of continuing the meme onward. As long as you include a link to my post in yours I will be able to track all of the action and do a wrap-up post in a couple of weeks summarizing the best posts and some demographic data.

Now I am officially tagging 5 more bloggers:
Scott Tribe
Red Jenny
Polly Jones
A Little Thought at Just Society
KevvyD at Blevkog

5 Best Qualities of a Modern Canadian Man

I am issuing a meme/theme post challenge to all Progressive Bloggers out there. I think it's important that we attempt to discuss: 5 Best Qualities of a Modern Canadian Man

The idea behind this is to reflect on the ideal of the modern (post-post-modern?) Canadian man in relation to the old school, traditional one. Where are we going as a gender? Are we on the right path? What baggage do we need to ditch and what qualities should we be aspiring to?

Is there are an archetypical modern Canadian man you would point to who exemplifies the best of what the gender has to offer the world, country, community and family? Alternatively, do you feel this exercise merely objectifies men as a gender? Should we be talking about the modern Canadian 'person' instead of dividing the sexes?

I would love to see what you diverse blogaholics think about this subject, because I really believe we don't talk about it enough (at all?). Hopefully, we can try to focus on this in a fairly non-partisan way- though I'm sure everyone's ideas will be coloured by their own political, religious, cultural and socio-economic views.

Give it a shot and let me know if you did... I will write my inaugural post tomorrow.

Just to get things rolling, I will pick a few bloggers to tag with the burden.They in turn will tag others and so on... Here's my list:
ChuckerCanuck
KarmaCake
Joanne
Joe Calgary
Romana King

Please help pass the word on!

A True Red, White and Blue Canadien

Last night, I celebrated the miserable, phlegmy bug that has overtaken my head, neck, chest, skull and sinus area by curling up under a duvet, doing shots of Nyquil and watching The Rocket- the bio-pic on French-Canadian hockey legend Maurice Richard.

While there were some serious low budget moments and the story seemed to be frozen on game highlights moments at times, the film did do justice to Richard and his time, in many senses. It depicted Richard as a complex, proud and broody man. His skill and power on the ice contrasted his strong, quiet traditional Canadien Francais disposition. Most importantly it showed the dark, discriminatory and crooked side of the NHL during the years when it was overseen by Clarence Campbell and other blatantly bigotted Anglo-Saxons.

Richard's campaign against the discrimination faced by French-Canadian players from referees, league and teams officials meshed well with Quebec's own historic struggle during and after the Duplessis years to find it's own identity within Canada. Hockey fans and Canadian history fans alike should check this film out. It is essential to learning something about the French-Canadian view that may be missing from an Anglo-Canadian understanding of the NHL's history.

In the end, my night couldn't have turned out more perfectly. When I checked the Saturday NHL scores all was as it should be: The glorious Habs beat Buffalo - the team who was until last night's results in first place in the league - 4-3; and the listing Leafs - currently 20th in the league- were brutally spanked by the 17th place Penguins 8-2. It all made me feel very good.

Vives les tri-colores!

Update: Sorry my little dancing Kleenex faeries, but I am reposting this today. I am still fucking SICK and don't have the energy even to nose drool on the keyboard. Blech!

Is the CBC Anti-Palestinian?

Have you checked out any of the nonsense going on in Toronto surrounding a failed motion before the local branch of the Ontario Secondary School Teachers' Federation? A Jewish teacher named Jason Kunin "who has often criticized the Israeli government"* drafted a motion that would have condemned Israel's treatment of Palestinians and called for classroom materials to be developed to support such a condemnation. Basically, it was a promo gimmick to air his views and attract attention using the union as a mouth piece. Whatever. Vote it down (which membership overwhelmingly did) and move on, right?

What pisses me off is that any time someone criticizes Israel they are immediately labelled anti-Israel or anti-Semitic even. Lighten the fuck up you PC knee-jerk-offs. The CBC's headline speaks volumes about the bias in our society: Anti-Israel motion defeated by Ontario teachers union local. Radio station CFRA posted this headline on their web site: Union Rejects 'Anti Israel' Motion, and the Canadian Press wrote this: Teacher's anti-Israel resolution angers many.

I haven't actually read the entire motion, but from what the CBC itself reported there was no overt anti-Israelism or hateful view being expressed. Even the union head said it was legitimate subject for debate.

You know, it is possible to oppose policy without being hateful. This is dangerous. It's the same bullshit American "support the war or you're not supporting the troops" crap that is constantly thrown around south of the border. Aren't we a little more intelligent than that?

You can check out details of Kunin's view's HERE.

*Source: CBC.ca

Stevie Green Speaks Out

In a candid and exclusive (completely fabricated) interview with Stephen Harper on the occassion of the anniversary of his government's one year mandate-lite, K-Dough asked some probing Tiger Beat style questions of the Prince of Dullness. Here is what our PM had to say (I'm lying):

K-Dough: Mr. Harper, what's your favourite band?
Harper: Green Day. Hands down.
K-Dough: Wow. I have to say that's a little surprising to me, since they are pretty much anti-Bush and you are obviously a raving Bush ass and bag sucker. But whatever, that's cool man. Ok, what's your favourite thing to eat on a cold wintry day?
Harper: Green split-pea soup.
K-Dough: Nice. What about super heroes?
Harper: Golly gee, that's a toss up between the Green Lantern and The Incredible Hulk.
K-Dough: Hm, ok. I'm sensing a pattern here. And on we go: What was your favourite '60s show?
Harper: Green Acres. I loved that cute green pig.
K-Dough: Um, I believe the pig was a natural rosey pink colour sir.
Harper: Oh, right you are. I was thinking of ...uh... Green Green Grass of Home.
K-Dough: Uhhh huh. That's an American traditional song. (Getting impatient) Alright, let's just skip that one. What's your favourite colour?
Harper: Easy! Blu...er, (aide frantically waves cue card), why it's green, of course. You media guys are always trying to trick me aren't you? Must be because you are so fond of me. (Chuckles self-righteously. Bloated pale pop belly wiggles)
K-Dough: Look, are you ok dude? You are starting to sweat a lot.
Harper: Yes, of course. Please continue...
K-Dough: Alllllright, but I hafta say, you are really starting to fucking freak me out a bit Steve. Anything else you want to add to your, um, favourites list?
Harper: Yes, as a matter of fact, there are a few things. Let me see. (Takes out piece of paper from breast pocket) Ok, my favourite football team is the Green Bay Packers.
My favourite book is Green Eggs and Ham. My favourite holiday is St. Patrick's Day when they make the green pop. My favourite place is Greenland...my fav...
K-Dough: (Interrupting) Alright, enough of the cheap messaging bullshit. What's your favourite sexual position Mr. Prime Minister?
Harper: (Silence) Ummmmmmmm. You know, that's a good question. Let me see now. Ok, I've got it. Being on top, with the Green Party on the bottom.
K-Dough: No sir. I'm not talking about fucking people in politics. I'm talking base carnal pleasures. You know, blow jobs, intercourse, facials, golden showers, ass play, BDSM, girl on girl, boy on boy, boy on goat, ditch licking, feltching, reach arounds: stuff like that.
Harper: Ohhhhhhh, I see. (Nervously plays with neck tie. Pleadingly looks at aide, who merely shrugs and nods towards K-Dough) Did I already say Green Day? The Great Gazoo? Red Green?
K-Dough: Ok, look: you can save your cheap "appeal to the kids" pop culture references for Strombo and the CBC. If you really want to appeal to kids, you'll stop shaking their hands, step down and let someone with some real people appeal lead your about-to-be-kicked-in-the-balls party. Green my ass, Steve. Your green plan is the intellectual equivalent of all those idiot blond chicks who went out and bought accessory arm dogs just because Paris had one. This inteview is over. Fuck you very much jackass.

(K-Dough rips off microphone, stomps out of room into arms of waiting bikini babes and idling limo. Harper and aide shrug and hug.)

Harper (to aide): Wow, that guy really takes this stuff seriously huh? What a radical. Any way, whaddya say we fire up the SUV, run by Mickey D's and pick us up some of them sweet green milkshakes? Oh wait, are they making them yet? I'm not sure .... (SUV speeds off into the smog-filled distance)

It's Not Easy Being Green

Our federal parties are fumbling frenetically with environmental policy like boner-sportin' 15 year olds in the dark with bra straps; and the boobs in the bra represent plump, silky votes in the upcoming election. Ever since a few weeks ago, when the national media somehow decided environmental issues were at the top of every lobotomized trans-fat gorfing, video game coveting Canadian's concerns list, we've seen at least 99 green balloons floated up into the smog-buttered skies of federal policy.

Let's just sit back and enjoy the absurdly-spun bullshit we'll be hearing from all parties over the next couple of months. I can see the future headlines now:

Harper says Green Economy Not Enough: Need Green Money
Dion says Green Money Comments Sign of Increasing Americanization
Layton/Lesbian Autoworker Association Launch Green Coveralls Campaign

And by the way, newly deputized nut bar federal environment minister John Baird is scheduled to be in Regina this week for a party fundraiser. I tell ya, I had to read that one twice. I'm sure it really icks him out to be in, around or near any kind of 'gina. I'm guessing he is definitely green when it comes to that. But when it comes to the environment, the only thing green about Baird is the bile he is saving up to spew at Dion over the next while.

Ah Rona, how we miss you and your steely-jawed sexy but not-too-smart approach. Looking at and listening to Snivelling Gopher-Cheeked Rodent Man hyper-blather like he's taken one too many of the 'blue' pills is just not as, well...stimulating.

Quebeckers Love Doze Raceests

Amidst the current hooplah about whether or not Quebec contains a racist province within a province, I thought I'd ask my buddy Pierre Tremblay to comment on the controversy. Here is a transcript of a phone conversation I had with him last night, although sections are inaudible because he was yelling into his cell phone from the DJ booth at Club SuperPussy in Kirkland Lake.

Tremblay: Allo? Allo? Oo ees it? (blaring music breaking up in background faintly discernible as Helix's Rock You)
K-D: Hey dude. Sorry to bother you at work, but did ya hear about that insane Dumont guy today and the Leger poll?
Tremblay: Pole? Huh? You dat guy ooze gonna come replace dat pole dat biker dented hier soir?
K-D: Dude, (yelling) it's K-Dough!
Tremblay: Ahhhhh, mon ami! Ows eet 'anging you batard?
K-D: I'm good. I just want to know if you think most Quebeckers are racists. It's for a piece I'm doing for the blog.
Tremblay: Huh? You gonna call me frog you batard?
K-D: No, I said blog. Look, never mind. Do you think most Quebeckers are racists?
Tremblay: Ah oui, merde. Mais of course hus Quebekers har raceest. Tabernacle mod zeet. Look at 'ow much we loves Jacques!
K-D: What are you talking about? Parizeau? I don't think that's a very good...
Tremblay: Parizeau? Non, non, non. Your henglish eez not very good I thinks. Jacques Villeneuve you batard stupide!
K-D: Dude! Did you just say you think Jacques Villeneuve is a racist?
Tremblay: Huh? Don't you watch da sports? You know, Patrick Carpentier, Bertrand Godin, Mario Gosselin. You know, we loves doze Quebecois raceests, you hunderstand?
K-D: Ahhhh, gotcha. Ok then, I'll let you..
Tremblay: Huh? (garbled yelling away from the receiver) ... I tell you, you gots dead hair on your mix tape. Huh?! Get up dere, I put some Whitesnakes on. K-Dough, you dere? Mod zeet tabernacle...
K-D: Thanks for your, uh, help dude. I'll talk to you later.
Tremblay: Huh? (Yelling, away from receiver into microphone) Helene Bouchard to da booth toute de suite! Ladies hand gentlemans, put your 'ands together for da very super sexy....
(Dial tone...)

*Hat tip to ChuckerCanuck for graciously allowing me to rap in the East Coast style.

The Trees Must Die!

Happy Shit Day #1, my special friends. Some of you may find this to be just another boring post on an unsexy local waste management issue. Those people may want to visit this happy LINK instead of reading on. Go forth and stupify my lovely goggled and helmeted drool-dispensers!

For those of you who actually think garbage is riveting reading, finger-push your glasses closer to your faces, scrunch your noses up, adjust your breast pocket pen packs and turn down that soft rock Manilow Marathon, because here it comes.

The Issue: There has been talk lately of taxing Toronto grocery stores for using plastic bags or finding otherwise inventive ways to decrease the bazillions of non-biodegradable bags we put into landfills every year.

The Corporate Bullshit: Cathy Cirko, vice-president of the Canadian Plastics Industry Association, says it's unfair to pick on plastic bags because they don't make up a large fraction (I'm assuming she is referring to tonnage) of Toronto's trash. (Source: Toronto Star, Jan 15.)
I mean, who, with a working brain, celebrates this kind of dark news?: Plastics packaging growth expected to outpace paper at least until 2010.

The Sensible Response: Uh, Cathy, do you think we are all as stupid as the happy link clicking mouthbreathers above? Plastic is not an organic compound. Plastic bags, despite the fact that they weigh less than other non-recycled garbage, do not degrade. Plastic is a solid substance that bloats what little landfill space we have left.

Look, I'm no tree hugger, although I may be guilty of a little tender sapling fondling once in awhile. The point is, I'm willing to sacrifice the lives of a few trees if I can put my groceries in a paper bag and have them recycled into new bags while more renewable resource trees grow to replace the ones we cut down in the first place. Forestry - an ecologically sustainable industry- is suffering right now; wouldn't it make a lot of sense to buy more forestry product if it helps absolutely everyone involved?

Or is it just that our world is now completely dominated by happy link-clicking zombie idiot people?

Lily Munster - Dead!

Canadian actress Yvonne De Carlo - better known to my generation as Lily Munster - died this week. R.I.P. you sexy, bitchy immortal vampiress. Herman was never man enough for you. If only we had been born at different times...ahhhhh.

Ok, that's all you're getting from me today. My brain is currently floating in Creemore and it writhes in pain every time I try to wring any semblance of a thought out.

Happy F Day to you, K-Crew!

John A's Bday!

I hope you'll all be hoisting a frosty wobbly pop for good ole John Eh. tonight kids! I have it on good word that it's also Chretien's b-day today as well. I, for one, plan to be talking like him by 9 pm tonight. A special meeting of the MBC Executive (Multiple Beverage Coalition of Greater Toronto) has been called for tonight and we will undoubtedly be slobbering odes to the creation of Canada by one of the greatest drunks ever to grace our fair dominion. Vive le Canada!!!

K-Dough Wins Major Award!

Class, please... Ahem. Class! Thank you. Good morning. Please listen carefully, because I have some delightful news.

It has come to my attention that Popular Doctrine, "a project in political discourse; a place where a socialist and a conservative debate the day's issues" has listed this blog in their top 10 political blogs post.

No solicitation. No fake voting. Just some recognition by a friendly communist comrade for my tireless efforts to make the e-world a better place and to fiercely battle in my personal crusade against partisan stupidship. Check it out: The Best Political Blogs- View From the Left.

Now, I suggest you spend the rest of your day reflecting on your love for me, which I will also be doing.

So Damn Insane

George Bush said last night that if the US were to withdraw its troops now, the Iraqi government would fall and there would be mass killings. Um, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that exactly what happened when the US invaded Iraq? They've not only drilled a whole in the dike, now their fucking thumbs are stuck in it.

Not to mention, aren't there already MASS KILLINGS going on there? Mass kilings every day of the year? How worse can it get? The sooner you leave Iraq, the sooner whoever wins at killing more people than you already have will put the country back together in some form and a new dictator will take over. Either way, whoever succeeds Saddam couldn't be a bigger Dick-tator than Bush.

And by the way, wasn't Rumsfeld fired? If so, why does the legacy of stupid still speak through his rubber stamp.

Stripper Shakedown Stymied

Strippers in Windsor, Ontario have won a battle against a discriminatory tax (about $400 per year) they had to pay the city in order to be able to peel there. Thank god the insanity stopped there. I mean what were they planning next? Taxes on cheap bear skin rugs, knock-off perfumes, pole disinfectant and Motley Crue CDs?

Victories like these don't just fall in your lap (ba dum dum). Kudos and pasties to the clubs that fought the bylaw ending the hypocritical practice of shaking down women that many in society revile, just so those same people can enjoy lower property tax rates.

Next, it's time to legalize and regulate prostitution and all sex sector workers to protect women and the public from sleazy pimpish leeches- including a municipal government in this case- who live off the incomes of others.

Housekeeping Note: I'd appreciate feedback from regular commenters on the comments format. Do you guys prefer the pop up or the full page version? Lemme know and I will adjust accordingly. K

A Maritime Cowboy in Asia

In another highly publicized Rumsfeldesque stunt, Peter "John Wayne" MacKay was in Kandahar yesterday. And once more, Canada's noble military tradition as neutral peacekeeper was stomped down another notch.

MacKay was mugging for the cameras and the cowboys back home, talking about how he was going to give Pakistan an earful on what it should be doing to help Canadians defeat the Taliban. The Toronto Star had this to say:

For all the upbeat talk about the pace of reconstruction in Kandahar's cities and villages – and there was a great deal of such talk by MacKay and by others – the harsh truth is that most of Canada's community development projects here are likely doomed to fail unless the security situation improves. "There are practical challenges we face," MacKay agreed. "We need a greater security perimeter in southern Kandahar.

My question: Do you think the brainiacs over at Foreign Affairs might have thought of picking up the phone and calling Russia to ask the government what they thought of the prospects of bringing peace to country with a history of a resilient, fierce insurgency? Do you think that they would have asked the Russians casually "hey guys, what do you think of our chances of bringing peace to an area peppered with skilled, experienced Taliban guerillas with a measly contingency of only 2-3,000 Canadian soldiers"?

But to be fair to the Foreign Affairs minister, foreign affairs is not really about understanding the tactical situation in other countries is it? Wait a second, maybe that was domestic affairs? No domestic affairs is all about goon hockey players having sex with daughters of billionaires...oh nevermind.

ACTRA Strike- Take One!

ACTRA members have been told not to show up to work today, which will be a serious blow to many performers who have found work increasingly scarce in this country. Not to mention, thousands of other technical staff and related industries will be out of work or will see their revenues completely dry up for the duration of the strike.

Some productions, who have signed on to an interim agreement with ACTRA, are being allowed to continue to operate. Among those are the Rick Mercer Report (yay!) and the Royal Canadian Air Farce (boo!).

My question: If there really is a god - some omnipotent celestial executive producer - and he is in control of choosing any Canadian show to become a victim of this labour action, for fuck's sakes why couldn't he have cast Air Farce into that inescapable fiery pit? Why? Why?

On the upside, hopefully we won't be seeing much of Ben Mulroney for awhile.

Poverty is a Women's Issue?

I was impressed with some of the commentary to my admittedly button-pushing, provocative post yesterday. However, since it went unanswered, I would love to hear your thoughts on the following comment I left yesterday for Berlyn, a very agressive "vagina warrior", who alleges there is currently a "war on women" being conducted by some unspecified force in some unmentioned country:

You said "poverty is a women's issue". That is complete propagandist bullshit. That is the logical equivalent to saying if all adult men are sexist pigs that's women's fault because they are the mothers that raised those boys.

Well, what do you think? Do women own the poverty issue? What about kids? What about other poor people who happen to be men?

Feminists should be held accountable, just like any Tory, Dipper, Liberal or Libertarian who spews blathering ideologically-driven propaganda. I'm not trying to be facetious here. I really don't understand what Berlyn meant.

Feminidiots Beware

In the spirit of equality, I have to say there are some serious wing-nut women's advocates blogging out there. Some of them have been attacking every mother's favourite cherubic Liberal Jason Cherniak over comments he made postulating that people could effectively eke out an existence living on current minimum wage levels. Somehow, that was taken to mean all women should be subservient idiots who should live in poverty so they can be dominated by evil, hairy, kitten-raping men.

I'm not naming people, but I have news for those of you who are frothing feminidiots: My bet is that Cherniak is poised to ascend into the staffing roster of some powerful government in Canada this year. If not this year, very soon. From that vantage point, he will be in a position to influence public policy to either help or hinder both genders equally. I'd think you'd be courting him, educating him or at least conducting intelligent critical debate with him. Hell, you might even find that you have more in common than you thought (i.e. slavish obedience to ideology).

Not to mention, it might help if you put some of that raw zeal into lobbying/blaming female cabinet ministers regarding your concerns (some of whom actually have the power to immediately increase funding for single mothers and poor children). But nooooooo. Obviously, the hegemony of racist, white sexist pig bloggers is a much better channel through which to effect social change? Get real.

To all non-reactionary feminists I say: Stiffle the idiots in your ranks or distance yourself from them before they destroy your credibility and sabotage your message like certain jackass Libloggers, Blogging Dippers and Neo-Kons have done for their peers. Otherwise, you will be consigned to spend eternity lobbing cheap shots over the bows of other bore ships full of ideologues that the common people don't pay any attention to whatsoever.

And if you want to be taken seriously by the old boys blogger club (Cherniak is 27) at least have the sense to deploy logical and/or plausible arguments. As far as I've seen, Polly Jones over at Marginal Notes is the only feminist blogger involved who seems capable of doing that.

That said, and to disclaim for all to see that I am not biased toward female bloggers, I find the level of debate on MOST political blogs to be tendentious, sophmoronic and cultishly partisan. Not to mention that a couple of my close, personal friends are strong, intelligent, feminist bloggers. (Well, truth be told, they are trophy friends. I really only hang around with them because my gay friends like to flirt with them and my black friends want to bang them.)

Ok, I'm off to start my own Maleist organization. Oops, we already have the Grits and Tories.

The Chinese Problem

An article in the Globe yesterday highlighted an apparent growing trend amongst out-of-luck Chinese immigrants in Toronto who are sending their babies back to mainland China because they can not afford child care. Advocates confusingly have blamed these cases of familial separation on Immigration Canada. The logic is twisted: Immigration Canada promotes this country as the best place on earth to live, and because these immigrants can't find well-paying jobs and are forced to work minimum wage jobs to get by, the state is somehow responsible.

Immigrants are people. People are commodities in the job market. It's a free world based on speculation and if you don't have what the market wants you're not going to make money. Of course, there are language and credential barriers between pretty much every two countries in the world. But why would anyone think Canada would be any different? The days of the Gold Mountain are long gone.

Some critics point to a recent steep decline in immigration applications from China as evidence that these returned babies are stopping other Chinese from wanting to come here. But has anyone thought about the possibility that the promise of a nascent free market economy in China itself could be responsible for luring Chinese into staying at home and toughing it out in the wild, wild East? Naw, couldn't be anything that macro.

Of course, no one wants to point out either that these parents could just as easily choose to return WITH their kids to China and that there may be issues of personal responsibility and accountability involved here. No, of course not. We can just chalk the trend up to the enigmatic cultural character of those mysterious Chinese, while Chinese community advocates manipulate the pathos for all its worth.

And let's face it: Doesn't it make cold, hard economic sense to birth a child in Canada so that child instantly becomes a Canadian citizen, then send him/her away for a much cheaper upbringing in another country where trusted relatives will maximize the money you send home to care for that child? I don't want to sound too cynical, but this sounds a lot like the sojourners of old who constituted the Chinese diaspora in the late 1800s. Those men worked horribly difficult labourers jobs here only to remit most of what they earned to their family or village association back in China. The immigrants of today are more educated than the coolies were, but nevertheless make similar economic choices for the sake of family above their own emotional needs.

In another way, this resembles the wave of affluent Hong Kong immigrants in the late 1980s and early 90s who bought real estate, returned to HK and conversely left their children behind in Canada to maintain immigration status before the takeover of HK by China in 1997 - just in case things went bad.

Look, I am not without sympathy for any mother or child who are separated. I'm a father and could not imagine ever doing such a thing for any reason. But saying this is happening because of unfair conditions in the host country, or simply because Chinese immigrants are more desperate than any other visible minority immigrant group is ridiculous. Doing so only perpetuates negative stereotypes of powerlessness and otherness that I would hope most Chinese would be seeking to rid themselves of after all these years.

Chinese are not powerless, stupid or naive. They are as industrious, culturally vibrant and intelligent as the rest of us.

*The title of this post refers to a book called The Chinese Problem published in 1876 by American L.T. Townsend, which discussed the merits of excluding Chinese from immigrating to the US, and specifically California. You can view PDFs of the original text HERE.

Public Enemy Number One

Well sexified mofos, I'm back. This X-Mas season was better than most. There were no family knife fights over terrified turkey; no dark feelings of credit-inspired apocalypse; no tragedy, STD inspired ER runs, flu-like symptoms or conspicuous flash weight gain. Hell, I only even puked just that once!

There was definitely some piece of ass on earth and good swill amongst men to be had, and I partook enthusiastically. A bevy of beautiful faces kissed me over the course of several festive events, of which we hosted a record 3 within a week. We also hosted two fabulous jam sessions; one on X-Mas day with a bunch of cute-as-hell kids playing everything from djembes to mini-guitars, as Rock Star friend and I led them on mass singalongs of Rudolph and Frosty on piano and acoustic. The other was an obligatory marathon 3 hour slobbering NY Eve tune, feed 'n weed fest. Dude. Sweet.

Any way, tomorrow, I will once again mount my tireless, ephemeral campaign for daily political-obscenic bloggage. Until then, you over-heated, hormone raging humanoid units, I'll leave you with a fitting quote from Chuck D and an idiot with a huge clock around his neck:

Once again, back is the incredible,
the rhyme animal,
the incredible K, public enemy number one!

Turn it up- bring the noise!!!

Housekeeping Note: I am turning on word verification because these spam trollers are really starting to get on my fucking nerves. I will never be anyone's bitch. Sorry for the incovenience good people.