A Very Tory Christmas Warning
Non-sectarian holiday time is once again upon us. In the past, we have lost workers to festive accidents, diseases, viruses, acts of God and job fairs. In order to maximize work output in the New Year and minimize collateral losses, we have prepared the following list to guide you through any time your manager may have APPROVED for you to be absent during this holiday season. Please print and distribute copies to your colleagues, family members and friends and post them around your house.
1. Every part of your workstation that has a lock should have a key that you can lock it up with at the end of the day. If you are missing any keys to your workstation please advise management immediately.
2. Do not put your mouth, dry OR salivating, directly upon any type of Christmas tree bulb or electrically-powered decorative device or insert any such implement into your rectal cavity. This could lead to debilitating lesions and/or electrical shock and death.
3. Please retrieve your dishes from the staff kitchen area by 5 p.m. today or they will be discarded.
4. Never put a live electric eel or holly bough in your pants. This could lead to debilitating lesions and/or electrical shock and death.
5. Do not leave your house at any time during the holidays, for any reason whatsoever. Leave your lights off 24 hours a day and make sure all windows are covered. Make sure your basement bunker is stocked with at least 3 months supply of powdered milk, dried protein powder and water. Also, keep at least 4 flares and a shotgun on hand. Old bed sheets make good bandages, and a hairdryer hooked up to a gas generator can heat a family of four for at least 12 hours during a power outage. Do not open the door for strangers, neighbours or relatives. Although they may come bearing gifts or sweets, they can not be trusted. If your children try to leave the bunker, beat them with your shot gun, and bandage their heads with the bed sheets.
**Should you die during your holiday, please be sure to leave detailed instructions for your next of kin, including changing your voice mail and Out Of Office e-mail message to reflect the fact that you have died.
Have a safe and productive holiday!