Friday, August 31, 2007

Reflections on Eastern Thought

Years living in, and studying Japan at the grad level taught me a lot about life - and death. The experience brought me closer to gleaning some insight into universal truths about human nature, the constitution of the universe and the nature of the energy that flows within, from and into other living things, and ultimately, into death and back again. Being exposed to Buddha's teachings and realizing through Chan (Zen) that we all exist in a ceaseless empty circle of being, superficially coloured by both delight and torment, changed my life and the way I look at those I share this journey with.

That's how now, after all this time, I have come to realize one pure truth:
You have to like stupid people. If you don't, there really are not many people left to like on the face of this globe.

So this weekend, I'm suggesting you go out there and have dinner with, rollerblade with, talk about American Idol with, or just plain sport fuck a stupid person. It's only right.

Have a great day, you big stupid bunch of sexified stupid-heads.

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Thursday, August 30, 2007

10 Point Kwestion

Diamonds are for pussies with no creativity, who have to pay for sex.
Leather is forever.

Discuss. (5 boner points for thinking outside of the box)

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Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Knaked News

Speaking of sucking and blowing, funny thing happened to me on the way to work this morning... No wait: I just drove in from Talahasee, and boy is my screwdriver tired. (Ba dum dum- spshhh)

But seriously, my greased and horny pot-bellied piglets, today I am offering you a quick rounding up of the truly bizarre in two ridiculous sentences. And here it is:

Even though unfathomably stupid teen beauty contestant Lauren Caitlin Upton did not win the famed Dumb As A Pool Noodle But I'd Love to Schtoop You contest, she is rumoured to be dating Leona Helmsley's dog Trouble, who just inherited a cool $12 million, and has quit her job as the CEO of a major Bay Street Investment house, where other stupid, yet great looking people are overworked. Helmsley's clearly insane financial decisions left her peniless and dead in some guy's garage, after being treated for blemishes by a Viennese descendant of Beethoven's private doctor, who is rumoured to be having an affair with gay denier and 3 term Republican senator, Larry Craig.

Whoosh! Oh yeah, and I'm not wearing underwear. Or overwear for that matter.

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Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Blow the Man Down

I'm in a shitty mood today. So, all I can say to anyone who expected a post on Conservative attack ads, the finer points of whether Stephane Dion is low-key or not, the Truscott decision, Quebec by-elections or whatever: You can blow me.

That's right, I said "blow me". And I don't mean in a cute Japanese porn, delicate pursed-lotus mouth, showering-the-shaft-with-butterfly-kisses kinda way. Neither do I mean that I want you to blow me in a "I'm gonna do this for about 45 seconds just to make it look like I appreciate your member before I have intercourse with you as fast as I can to get it over with" kinda way. And I definitely don't want you to blow me like a shy tearful amateur, akwardly inflicting toothy damage and looking up at me with questioning fawn eyes.

What I mean is, I want you to blow me in a nasty, sloppy, drunk out of your mind, slobbering kind of way. You know, like you've been famished for days and just got your shakey hands on a street dog smothered in mayonnaise, as you gurgle the word "fuck" as loud as you can kinda way. I want you to really get your hands dirty and work it, in full-fisted tandem, like you are adjusting a greased-up telescope. I mean, I want you to blow me like you are an insatiable sword-swallower on Ecstasy in an Amsterdam sex circus with complete abandon and dedication to your meaty craft. Ok, look, just think 'jungle cat ravenously eating a stiff turkey neck' if that helps.

Hmm...did I say earlier I was in a shitty mood? Suddenly, it feels like the sun has shone on my soul. I feel much better now. Thanks for listening - you're a good friend.

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Tuesday, August 21, 2007

RIP to An Era

Sam Pollock, general manager of Hab dynasties in Montreal in the '60s and '70s, died last week. He was the architect behind 9 Stanley Cups. He was also partially responsible for tons of childhood joy for a kid, ostracized in enemy territory by a gang of low-intelligence redneck, loser-supporting, snotty-nosed Leaf kids.

Here's to the bony finger of victory in your eye Southern Ontario.

Vive les tricolores!!! Vive les Canadiens!!!

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Monday, August 20, 2007

Early Montreal Treasures Recovered

Archaeologists have found the remains of the earliest known buildings in Montreal. The 1642 settlement contained many fascinating relects, which show some indication of what life in the cradle of Montreal civilization might have been like back then. K-Dough has obtained exclusive access to the archivist's list by greasing palms and other body parts. Here is just a sampling of what they found in the dig:
  • A jewelled, deerskin thong, with the name "Bambi Bouchard" stitched into the fabric, and a branded ensignia reading "Club Super Voyageur" on the front.
  • A crate of petrified bagels, which pre-date the earliest known Jewish immigrants to the area by over 100 years.
  • A crudely fashioned hockey puck made from what lab tests have confirmed to be kiln-fired moose shit.
  • An emaciated, stuffed beaver, mounted on what appears to be a stage, roughly hewn from birch, with the curious name-plate "Celine".
  • A well preserved large "C" encompassing a smaller "H", made from fried potatoes, held together by stringy melted cheese.

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Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Armchair Mayor Flings Crap

Responding to Toronto Mayor David Miller's threat of cutting services if the province doesn't raise its allowance, former mayor Mel "the Buffoon" Lastman took a page from Clyde, the Orangutan from the movie Every Which Way But Loose and passed wind, slapping himself on the belly repeatedly today. Reporters were aghast, when he then picked up a handful of his own faeces and flung it at a City TV cameraman, who then tripped over a cable and landed in Mel's hay pile, at which time Lastman planted a big, greasy kiss on the soiled cameraman's cheek.

See the whole story HERE.

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Friday, August 10, 2007

THUDS Beware

Time again, my smooth-bodied, drooling hamster children for a stream of conscious urban rage rant 'n rail (I'm actually frothing at the mouth as I type- oh wait- I think that's just the latte residue):

I am an experienced, skilled cyclist who obeys traffic laws. That's why today, I'm type-screaming the following announcement from tippy toes on my e-soap box :
I am sick of the fuckwad bike THUDS who run stop signs on Toronto streets: The very streets that have bike lanes to protect the safety of law-abiding cyclists. Why do I call these jackasses THUDS? Because that is the sound created when their carcasses are run over by cars, as they fly through intersections, and are squashed by right turning, law-abiding motorized vehicle drivers.

Please, for the love of god, start peer-pressuring idiots like these into shame. Yell at them. Scream "THUD" every time one of these bastards blows by you at a stop sign. It's the only way to get the message across.

These are the same loud-mouthed fucks who complain all the time that motorists victimize cyclists in the city. In my years riding in the T. Dot it's been evident that cyclists are much more often at fault than drivers. Now get out there and tell them!


Thursday, August 09, 2007

Baby Harper Seals: Mmm!

While Canadian Premiers met to discuss the fate of the country this week in the Maritimes, Prime Minister Stephen Harper snowmobiled aimlessly through the ice fields of Canada's North, on a jet blue SkiDoo doling out small quantities of taxpayers' dollars to confused Northerners. Harper made several important announcements today over a breakfast of a fresh arctic lichen and whale blubber omelet and glacial ice coffee. The new initiatives include:
  • The renaming of the famed Harp Seal to reflect the PM's visit: The animal will now be called the Harper Seal, and will be bred in government farms for meat. The government has reportedly signed a cross-marketing deal with McDonalds for the launch of the new McSealwich this fall.
  • A $450 investment in a new native dental program, across the entire North, over the next 5 years.
  • The establisment of a permanently staffed, 3 man snowshoe patrol, which will replace Canada's ageing Distant Early Warning nuclear launch system, currently attached by tags to the ears of 4 geriatric walruses who are in line for early retirement pensions.
  • A tough-on-crime anti-igloo graffiti program.

Thank god someone is doing something worthwhile in Canada, as those selfish Premiers fiddle with Ashley MacIsaac while the country burns.

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Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Canadian Activist Arrested in China

Chinese agents have arrested and detained 3 Canadian activists within the past 24 hours in the lead up to the official Olympics countdown ceremony. God forbid the fancy photo op party be soiled by the ugly truth of oppression. The latest victim is Canadian Lhadon Tethong, who is a leading figure in the fight to free Tibet from the brutal fist of CCP control.

Other activists have also been detained, no doubt, to prevent them from exposing China's continued terrorizing and persecution of innocent people. The Chinese government has provided no explanation to Canadian authorities.

Why does the world look the other way as China continues to abuse human rights and choke opposition to its policies? What a terrible fucking shame: And it's all about the dollar bills.

For updates on Tethong's fate, check her blog- currently being administered by a colleague-@
Beijing Wide Open

BREAKING NEWS update: CTV NEWsNet Canada is reporting that Tethong and other activists have been deported and are on a plane to Hong Kong as I type. At least they are safe!

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