Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Jackpot Jimmy Counts Our Cash

Pointy-faced evil little leprichaun-man Jim Flaherty, who is Canada's Finance Minister, is taking credit for the current $6.7-billion budget surplus (read about it HERE). What is absolutely remarkable is the fact that only 5 months into this fiscal year he is already celebrating the success of his shrewd hands-sitting-on strategy. Nevermind the fact that A) the higher than expected surplus is being racked up on the backs on income tax windfalls due to a successful private sector driven economy; and B) his party's promise during the last election that the dog days of Liberal hording of surplusses would come to an end was merely an ass-sucking lie to the electorate.

Once again, this mean-spirited, former-Harris midget hack is taking credit for global economic forces over which he has absolutely no control and trying to convert it into political capital. And once again, he is sitting back while real Canadians do all the hard work and taking credit for their achievements.

I don't know why I am surprised, since this is so typical of Harris-era opportunistic political leeches like Flaherty. Oh well, I guess we can count the blessing that we are not currently running a deficit or going through a recession: We all know what happens to the sick, poor and lame under the control of pin-dicked little weasel Napoleans like him. It's weird science, but at least it's the rich who are paying for his masturbatory market fantasies right now.

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Tuesday, October 24, 2006

The Needs of Strangers

Today was different. This morning, I walked to the subway, along a street torn apart to make way for a new streetcar right-of-way that has been hotly contested over the past few years. Amidst the smashed concrete slabs, coffee-slurping orange-vested dusty throngs of city workers and whining machinery, I had one of those recurring movie-like vignettes.

In a historically vibrant moment, a lone, scarred streetpost popped out of the secenery and commanded my attention. The post had one leaflet left on it- they are regularly removed by city workers. The leaflet stood out as a bold, lone survivor amidst the skeletal staple graveyard of wasted efforts. The headline on the small piece of paper said "BRING THE TROOPS HOME NOW" and beckoned people to attend a "Pan-Canadian Day of Action" on Oct., 28 to call for Canada's withdrawal from Afghanistan. I know I've written about this subject a hell of a lot in recent months, but it was at that moment that it truly hit me: We are at war. Granted, that statement means nothing unless measured by the yardstick of one's experience in life.

I'm 38 years old. In the 80s, my youth was intellectually tormented by angst about the coming nuclear holocaust that we would all surely be experiencing. Mine was a generation that was acutely aware of the concepts of M.A.D. and the circles I travelled in read social philosophy and pondered regularly questions of global security relating to the Soviet and US spheres of influence over some modern jazz and hash.

But we, as Canada was, were always bystanders to the cynical, destructive games that the evil superpowers played around the world. The comfort of our armchair position and the warmth and wisdom with which we regarded all cultures and civilizations was a badge we wore with pride. How naive we were - or maybe just too high?

One of the guys I was impressed with back then was this incredibly erudite and sensitive son of an exiled Russian noble named Michael Ignatieff. I don't know- maybe it was my fondness for Solzhenitzyn or my own Slavic descent that made me identify with Ignatieff. I remember a treatise that he wrote called "The Needs of Strangers". In others' words , that book talked about "a wide-spread failure on the part of humanity to provide the passionate sense of community "in which our need for belonging can be met." The implications of this kind of compassionate thinking were not lost on us. Russians could love Americans and the world could be safe from extinction one day. Hey, if Woodrow Wilson- an American- had thought so at some point, then why shouldn't we be optimistic?

Looking at that anti-war pamphlet now and the black marker scrawling on the plastic cover of the Toronto Star box below it, which read "Fuck Ignatieff", really hammered home two things that I had not consciously connected before this morning. One is that the country I love has lost its way and found itself in the middle of a game of spheres of influence being perpetrated by higher powers. Second, is that possibly - just possibly- Michael Ignatieff, that sensitive philosopher who believed in compassion, could be the only man able to pull us back on track.

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Monday, October 23, 2006

Canadians for Exile

So, we've all heard the story this morning about the American judge who exiled the teacher who slept with his student to Canada, right? In the event that you haven't, read this (click HERE). Here's hoping this remarkably innovative judge's decision withstands legal scrutiny. Just think of the possibilities. It would give us the perfect excuse to clean a little house in Canada, if we could hook up some kind of reciprocal agreement with the U.S.

Here is a partial list* I've composed of possible candidates for permanent exile to the good ole U. S. of A. Feel free to add/disagree!:

Howie Mandell
Stephen Harper, John Baird and Jim Flaherty
The Toronto Maple Leafs
Chad Krueger and Nickleback
Conrad Black (his exile order would be pre-filled-out just in case he tries to weasel back over the border)
Ezra Levant
Massari/Shawn Desmond
Don Newman
Matt Dusk
Ben Mulroney
The Canadian Taxpayers Federation
Belinda Stronach
Robin Black

*There is no theme underpinning this list other my own personal cultural, social, artistic and/or political arrogance, of which I am fully aware.

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Friday, October 20, 2006

K-Dough is Komplex

The comments that a few people left yesterday after I railed and ranted about something very important to me trivialized and degraded the dire point I was trying to make. And you know what? If I had feelings, I'm sure I would be hurt right now.

Look, I'm not just all tits and ass people. Sure, I know you've come to expect a certain degree of frivolity, obscenity and iconoclasm to flow from the tips of my golden fingers, but for the love of god(s), cut me some slack, would ya?

I am a prima donna - the Kovalev of Kommentary- and I expect to be treated as such by you worthless plebes!

Now lick my shoes and tell me how great I am, before I figure out a way to sue you for something.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

RepubliCanadian Revelations

Right now, I'm watching that gutless talking head Peter Mackay sermon about how we are saving the world from Satan and Revelations by being in Afghanistan. It makes me sick to my stomach. And once again he is playing the cynical RepubliCanadian (tm) support-our-troops or burn in hell card.

I have to ask you all this question: What the fuck do Afghanistan, or Israel for that matter, have to do with the sovereignty and integral national priorities of Canada? Instead of rolling out fake 40 year plans for the reduction of greenhouse gas emmisions which aren't worth the breath taken to utter them, why not focus on important things like transfer payment reform?

While I'm at it, what the hell are the Liberal leaders doing haggling over questions about Israel? is that really the biggest threat to world peace now? What about China, Korea and the US? When did Israel take precedence in foreign policy in this country? Israel is no more important than any country where people's lives are put at risk because of politics or religion.

Get a grip Canada. Know why? Because we are being plunged into a morass of civil disagreement unseen before in our history. You thought abortion or same sex marriage were big wedge issues? Forget 'em. Wait till this American-style hate propagating takes root during the lead-up to the next election. That's exactly what Harper's boys are gunning for. Unfortunately, the Jewish and Muslim communities are going to be tossed into this propaganda cock-fight, while smirking idiots on both sides of the house remain unscathed, counting their fortunes.

After the rage, I truly feel sad for our country right now. I don't give a shit who is right. We have to move on, quickly.

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Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Turner Booted For Blogging

It was only a matter of time before the Conservative caucus started purging smart people like Garth Turner. It's only natural to separate the apples from the oranges. Ah, the beginning of the end is sweet --depending on which end you're on. is down at the moment so we can't get it from the horse's mouth- but the ass is already talking on CBC. Stay tuned...

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Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Dead Canadians - so what?

It's very interesting that Stephen Harper and his retarded band of merry faux-bankers cum cowboys love paying for bullets and guns, yet won't ensure that the funds are there to fulfill the key objective of our presence in Afghanistan- namely, rebuilding the country. (Read the latest HERE).

No, no, no. They'd rather sit on their lilly white, uncalloused oily hands, sipping sasparilla and talking tough behind monkey man Bush, while almost every day another few of our brethren are blown to fucking meaty bits by hostile natives dedicated to their demise.

CIDA and those neo-cocksuckers should be forking that cash over now, so my precious tax payer dollars are not wasted on any more flying hearses, coffins or surplusses providing political padding for their forthcoming vain attempt at re-election.

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Friday, October 13, 2006

News Flash: Harper An Idiot

Scientific tests have confirmed: Stephen Harper is a fucking idiot.

When Harper called "virtually all of the candidates in the Liberal leadership" race "anti-Israeli" he disgraced the job title he currently holds. The Toronto Star called his comments "highly partisan", which really is a gross understatement. I'd like to add a few adjectives: facile; opportunistic; insipid; misinformed; childish.

Harper's comments display a Bush-like ignorance about world affairs and make him look like an empty-headed American lap dog. For our Prime Minister to be throwing around serious accusations that play on fear, hatred and racist undertones is sick. The guy should not only apologize, but resign.

Furthermore, Bernie Farber and the Canadian Jewish Congress should step up and castigate this idiot for trivializing anti-semitism.

Happy Friday the 13th you sweet 'n sassy l'il sexies!

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Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Caledonia Rally Railing

Some fat guy from Thornhill, just north of Toronto, named Gary McHale is organizing a rally against the native protest at Caledonia this weekend. This co-dependent lard-ass is doing so, despite the fact that Premier McGuinty himself and other public figures including non-native residents of Caledonia have warned against it due to the possibilty of escalating tension and/or violence. I saw the meddling mountain of man-flesh on TV last night saying the rule of the law is not being enforced and that the provincial police are holding us all hostage. But the srtange thing is, Gary McHale doesn't live anywhere near Caledonia. Oh no, he is doing this all for the good of (white) society I suppose.

All I can say is I hope Blabber the Hut is right in the middle of any potential fracas that breaks out, so he can get a real feel for what it's like to be repeatedly pummelled upholding "the rule of law". My guess is it'll feel a little different than sitting in a cushy suburban casa, jamming one's face full of Doritos and masturbating to artists' depictions of the American Indian wars while pontificating about how the greedy, evil natives are ruining our lives.

You can view this America loving, right wing asshole's web site HERE.

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Tuesday, October 10, 2006

StatsCan Make You Rich!

In the Toronto Star today, we learn that a recent StatsCan survey "suggests the vast majority of Canadian adults feel there is a strong relationship between education and success in life." Hmm. So, let me get this straight. The survey doesn't actually prove that education leads to success in life. Nor does StatsCan attempt to prove that remaining stupid and/or uneducated leads to failure in life. Rather, it seeks to answer the burning societal question so many of us have repeatedly pondered over the years: How many Canadians believe that education leads to success?

What I want to see is a breakdown of respondents in the following groups: Stupid, Smart, Success, Failure. Moroever, because this survey was about what people believe rather than what is proven, I think it would be methodologically useful to consider more detailed, somewhat less empirical aspects of the respondents' characters, like these, for instance:
1. Does the person believe in ghosts?
2. Does the person immediately forward e-mails to everyone they know, which warn that cell phones can light your hair on fire and spontaneously make your colon explode if you use them at gas stations?
3. Is the person obsessive-compulsive or Catholic or both?
4. Does the person habitually smoke marijuana cigarettes?
5. Does the person believe in political altruism?

I'll tell you one thing that the StatsCan survey clearly demonstrates: That an education in statistics and/or sociology can make you one well-fed civil servant.

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Friday, October 06, 2006

Young and the Thoughtless

Just thought you might want to chime in on this misguided, illiterate idiot who has been posting threatening comments on my original piece re: the Montreal shootings.
Click HERE and engage at will.

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Dishing the Brain Dirt

Good morning, you sexified little love kittens and porn doggies. Nothing much going on in the K-brain today besides a shroud of day-after-way-too-much-drinking-for-a-week night haziness. Since I let y'all in on one of my trade secrets yesterday, I thought I would stick to the same open and vulnerable theme today.

I did one of those methodologically suspect personality trait test things a while ago and thought I'd post the results, just so you can glean profound psycho-forensic insights into the K-personality. Aww, who am I kidding- I'm barren of an original thought today, because the blood flow to my gourd has been severely compromised by a dehydrated cranial membrane and smartness capillaries.

Anyway, below I have revealed what the super-scientific online personality generator spat back at me after answering several hundred strange questions. I say we use the thread today to dish the personality dirt on each other. I encourage you all to share something unique, contentious or taboo about yourselves today that you haven't before. Let the games begin!

Apparently- this is me: ENTJ - Commandant
You scored 81% I to E, 42% N to S, 90% F to T, and 36% J to P! The single word to describe your type is fieldmarshal or commandant. You also belong to the larger group called rationals. You love to organize others in matters of logic. Even as a child, you likely naturally assumed the role of leader in groups. You share your personality type with 2% of the population. When you lead, you are more concerned with policy and goals than rules and regulations. You have a tendency to become a workaholic. You are impatient with repetition of error. You are friendly and outgoing, though. You don't mince words and willingly share your many strong opinions.

As a romantic partner, you are inspiring, but also somewhat challenging. You have a strong desire to be in charge and your clear need for an organized life and home can be overwelming to a partner. You like to confront conflict directly, discuss problems unflinchingly, solve them, then put them behind you. However, you can be too impatient or unwilling to take the time to listen to your partner and give them a chance to express themselves fully so that they also have a sense of closure. You are generally uncomfortable dealing with emotions, so you are apt to dismiss your partner's emotions as illogical. You feel most appreciated when your partner asks for your opinions, takes your adivce, and relies on you to get a job done right.Your group summary: rationals (NT) Your type summary: ENTJ


Thursday, October 05, 2006

The Secret to My Success

For almost a year now, I have agonized over whether or not to share some of my trade secrets with you all. Since we have developed such a trusting, loving relationship, I'm going to let you in on one of the reasons for my unprecedented blogging success. With the increasing proliferation of countless political blogs out there over the past year or so, I'm sure you have all been dying to find out how the K-dough manages to receive so many hits - day after day. Well, here it comes folks: The secret yeast behind K-Dough's quick rise to national fame: The allure is in the unusual content.

Oh sure, you can endlessly blather on about government policies, legislation or party politics. You can bore readers to death with tirades about statistics, economies and the value of the dollar. But the bottom line is, unless you say fuck, dick, ass or tits a helluva lot, people are never going to find you. Never. And even if they somehow do manage to stumble across your wonderful site, unless they catch some reference to scatological play, multiple blow jobs or shy girl-on-girl gentle fingering, they will never return.

Case in point: Here is a list of Googled search strings and keywords that have brought people to my site just over the past couple of weeks. Some of you sickos may recognize your own dirty little search string in here, so pay careful attention!:

switching from boxers
american xxxtasy
mitsou boobs
iron powder smuggle
how to shave my balls
canadian wrong doings
my pubes are blonde
colonic irrigation
emmanuel sandhu is a fucking idiot
rona ambrose pictures sexy
testicle pulling contest
sandra pupatello is hot
canadian entitlement mindset
helena guergis sexy
what do groupies do?
teriyaki rat
he can walk and talk and fly
man dead 15 dead dogs
fudge fantastic balls
bill graham and skeletor

The moral here kids is don't have any. Well, conventional ones anyways.

*Huge shout-out to Stat Counter for letting me track this information- for free!

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Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Canada: A Headless Zombie

I don't know what the political motivations are behind the feds implying they want to regulate automobile emissions after 2010. Frankly, I don't care what drove that little fear-of-God session last night. What is more important here is the weak-kneed response that the rumblings inspired from a few of Canada's most powerful political leaders. The various quotes that hit news outlets last night sounded more like the anxiety and fear you would hear from shaky heroine addicts upon informing them that you are reducing their supply.

On one hand you had Buzz Hargrove - recently divorced from the NDP- frothing at the mouth and defending the flagging auto industry. On the surface, it might have seemed that Buzz left because he could no longer support NDP pro-evironmental protection policy. But appparently, Just Jack Layton supports the right of the gas motor over nature's creatures' right to breathe as well.

Then we had Dalton McGuinty in Ontario and Ralph Klein in Alberta barking back and forth about who was being unjustly "targetted"; Ontario big business or Alberta big business. Wake the fuck up guys! For the Ontario Liberals to frame this argument as one where auto and gas are being pitted against one another is absoutely inane. Everyone knows the 2 evil industries are inextricably linked, like two giant Godzillas that feed each other breakfast every day. One without the other would mean the certain death of both.

So, it is clear from yesterday's panic and chaos that our leaders are obsessed with the status quo, no matter how destructive it is to our health and welfare.

My solution? Ban fossil fuel burning engines. Step up to the fucking plate you pink-handed industry captains and back-boneless poli-chickens. Transform the sectors you love so much if you want them to exist in 20 years. Alberta should be subsidizing R&D for alternative fuels instead of riding the black gusher into hell as it's pressure slowly diminishes. Ontario should be subsidizing R&D for clean engine technology, instead of throwing a couple of million into the wind here and there in acts of corporate welfare every time industry demands it.

Look, people don't give a fuck whether the vehicle they drive is powered by toxic sludge or bio-degradable rice confetti- they just want to drive. Instead of taking the hit and sucking up the inevitable massive reconfiguration/retooling costs for manufacturing hybrids, the auto industry are twiddling their thumbs and simply waiting for the sky to fall. All the while, the unions swim on like giant stupid sharks, consuming wage increases and driving up operating costs every year with absolutely no eye to the future stability of their employ.

The only solution for all parties is sustainability. But with so much blind greed in our world, how is it possible? One thing is for sure, as long as stuffed shirts and fearful minions run our most powerful institutions nothing will change. Maybe one day, tough guys like David Suzuki will stop sanctimoniously preaching to the deaf and dumb and seize the reins of power. It's the only way.

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Tuesday, October 03, 2006

5 Things Feminism Has Done For Me

Ok, I'll play along, Joanne et al, in your evil little meme scheme.

5 Things Feminism Has Done For Me:

1. Feminism saved me from mistakenly entering relationships with girls who, at first glance seemed like arousingly alternative, intelligent women, but turned out to be workboot wearing, pill-popping socialists who flashed their tits in the Grad Lounge at York U and wrote papers like Gender and the Political-Economy of the Patriarchical Washroom Attendant Industry in late-1700s Paris Restaurants, as Divined Through The Channeled Spirit of a Female Hamster Who Nested in A Pile of Shredded Pages of Foucault's Great Grandfather's Diary. A drunken night of non-commital sex was sufficient in these cases.

2. Feminism made me a fatherless child.

3. Feminism caused me to be humiliated as a boy, while brawling with opponents on the rink, as my mother out-screamed the hockey dads with cries of "Don't hurt him little K- he has feelings too, sweetie!".

4. Feminism gave me several STDs.

5. Feminism means I have to feel MORE inadequate about the fact that, even though my wife makes more money than I do, she still manages to accomplish more around the house - or so her male secretary tells me everyday in reminder calls from her office.

Hey, you asked.

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Monday, October 02, 2006

Another Tragic Crime

Today, Charles Carl Roberts IV, another in a long line of armed cowardly North American lunatics, went on a shooting rampage in a one-classroom Amish school in Pennsylvania. He killed at least 6 people*, and 3 more are in critical condition. Reports say he targeted only the female children, all in Grades 1-8, who were tied and bound after he ordered all the boys out of the school.

My fucking soul hurts.

*Conflicting reports at this time. CBC is now saying 4.

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