Killing Fields of the Easter Egg Hunt

Stupor model, amateur porn princess and battered chicken activist Pamela Anderson is gearing up to lead a PETA expedition to Canada once again. This time, it is to protest the Annual Katawalkie Easter Egg hunt. The barbaric practice has been a local tradition since 1983, when the petting zoo began losing revenues and the town needed an economic boost. On Easter morning, thousands of savage, salivating Canadian children gather to systematically hunt, unwrap and devour the Christian delicacy. The messy practice has its roots in prehistoric times, according to Anderson's publicist, when pagan rodent-meat eaters would break open eggs and suck helpless dino-fetuses out with their toothy beak-like appendages.

The hunt isn't wasteful or environmentally dangerous say the children. The tin foil pelts collected from the naked egg carcasses are used to make jewellry, space age anti-alien hats or are simply rolled up into tight little balls that can be used as ammunition to ward off other child hunters. But the children have been criticized for their killing methods. Last year, several hundred KinderSurprise eggs were brutally clubbed open by frustrated child hunters who were not patient enough to simply nibble the shell away.

In 2003, at a similar hunt in Palo Alta California, Anderson reportedly wept at the sight of a broken-open and discarded easter creme egg, allegedly saying "it looked up at me with its pathetic yolk, and seemed to cry save me momma". One of the egg hunters, Billy Hamilton, callously said, "uh, it's just a chocolate egg you stupid dummy idiot head face".