Subway Vignettes
Yesterday, for reasons too bland and complex to detail here, I was forced to ride the red rocket. Of course, there had to be delays on the one day I decided to do so. As I stood propped against a door, head full of iPod-spewing 80s metal to drown out the blabbering mediocrity, I witnessed the daily urban absurdities, playing out like scenes in a silent retarded movie. Well, it was more like watching a bizarre hockey game where the players carried purses and laptop bags with Judas Priest blasting on the stereo and no audible commentary.
My observations are as follows:
Why do so many women carry their lunches or knitting projects to work in pristinely preserved shopping bags from expensive retail stores? Do they really realize how pathetic it makes them look? It's like walking around with an empty caviar tin strapped to your head.
Why do pot-bellied middle-aged business men think they are invisible as they stand in front of school girls and strain to stare down their tops, desperately searching for any semblance of a trace of areola? 100s are watching you Dirty Harry.
What's with the fucking home boy, with full hoodie pulled down over suspiciously peering eyes, slumped as far down as possible in the corner wearing a parka in the middle of the summer? Yo.
Why does everyone in the vincinity look so uncomfortable as the empty water botte rolls from one end of the car to the other. It's like a passive-agressive game of hot potatoe. When the train stops, whoever ends up with that horrid bottle at their feet looks terrified and either immediately boots it away from them or timidly sits there pretending to ignore it, screaming inside for the train to move again. What kind of horrible disease can you contract from an empty plastic bottle that grazes your shoe!!! How many emergency room visits are precipitated by such dire collisions every year? I want the stats!
Anyway, needless to say, I biked in today.
Happy weekend, you big soggy sack of pervs.
My observations are as follows:
Why do so many women carry their lunches or knitting projects to work in pristinely preserved shopping bags from expensive retail stores? Do they really realize how pathetic it makes them look? It's like walking around with an empty caviar tin strapped to your head.
Why do pot-bellied middle-aged business men think they are invisible as they stand in front of school girls and strain to stare down their tops, desperately searching for any semblance of a trace of areola? 100s are watching you Dirty Harry.
What's with the fucking home boy, with full hoodie pulled down over suspiciously peering eyes, slumped as far down as possible in the corner wearing a parka in the middle of the summer? Yo.
Why does everyone in the vincinity look so uncomfortable as the empty water botte rolls from one end of the car to the other. It's like a passive-agressive game of hot potatoe. When the train stops, whoever ends up with that horrid bottle at their feet looks terrified and either immediately boots it away from them or timidly sits there pretending to ignore it, screaming inside for the train to move again. What kind of horrible disease can you contract from an empty plastic bottle that grazes your shoe!!! How many emergency room visits are precipitated by such dire collisions every year? I want the stats!
Anyway, needless to say, I biked in today.
Happy weekend, you big soggy sack of pervs.
Labels: Urban Anecdotes
posted by K-Dough at 11:34 AM
24 Comments:
Plus, what's with that sick guy, coughing up blood and sneezing green ooze, doing licking all the poles and hand rails?
Oh... right... that's me.
Why do people bring dogs on the subway.
Why do people on the corner as my street car goes by.
Can't Transport Canada put out a memo that the ban against personal hygenic products and tooth paste ONLY APPLY TO AIRPLANES AND NOT THE BUS.
Thumbs calloused from compulsive Brickbreaker playing every commute day,
Your friend Sheena.
Why do people on the corner as my street car goes by.
Sigh. See? I'm so upset I forgot to add "moon me" to that line.
Sheena- Was that a command? Ok., next time I'm down at my fave tat emporium (Abstract Arts on Queen) I'll be sure to throw some lily white ass out towards Parkdale for ya.
BTW- Brickbreaker? So you are a Crackberry addict as well?
I'd like to get mooned on the way to work.I'm jealous, Sheena. I drive to work and get the finger every now and then when I'm changing lanes. It's always a nice way to start the day.
Up to level 16, 9300 top score, KD.
Hey sickos! K-dough my man, you are in top form again and I've been missing out. Driving all over freakin' Ontario trying to drum up business from tight-wads.
My biggest memory of the subway; why do old Chinese women ALWAYS have to push everyone out of the way so they can get off/get on first? And why do they hork like fucking hockey players?
Very glad to be back...the last piece of ass I had was when my finger broke through the toilet paper.
Pammie/Leather- sounds like you've both been getting the finger -- and not in the way most prefer.
Incidentally, I love the word finger. Especially when it's whispered in a breathy, slightly inebriated way.
That would scare me. Please don't ever whisper "finger" to me when you're drunk and shlurring.
Sometimes you can be very sexually confusing, K.
Agreed. Another good breathy word: "Fissure"
Ah, K-Dough, so YOU'RE the bitter looking guy that skulks in his seat, glaring at the other passengers and mutters under his breath.
;-)
Well... lets just hope K-Dough isn't saying the word "Finger" in a breathy, innebriated manner on the subway... people might get the wrong idea about him.
Oh wait, thats already happened.
My favorite word is "spoon", just like the Tick. SPOOOOOOOOON!!!
"fork" does it more for me, Joe Calgary.
I'm a little partial to "drink?"
Hmmmm let me see. Words I really like: fragrant, moist, oven mitt, supple, shy, cherry pie, taut, naive, deflower, turkey baster, novice, ointment, spew. But not necessarily in that order.
Pam- to clarify I don't like it one bit when my "proctologist" (what I like to call her) is stinking drunk.
James- only when I'm sober.
_I thought "...head full of iPod-spewing..." was the "blabbering mediocrity" :)
I went to meet with a fellow at the subway station years ago.
All I could find was football teams and more football teams.
I ended up pulling the train all by myself.
i've only ever been on subways in the u.k. and tokyo. i'd go london over tokyo anyday.
Sheena
Personally one of the few times I see people being happy on the subway is when someone brings on a dog...
Nose in the crotch? Yeah, I suppose I kinda get that...
Pervs? In that theme, perhaps you fit right in, K-Dough....
And another thing, what's with the elderly East Asian women cutting their finger and toe nails on the TTC, sharp bits flying like shrapnel, lodging in the shoes and clothing of unsuspecting fellow riders?
Post a Comment
<< Home