News 'n Booze Don't Mix

CBC radio this am talked about the fact that foreigners living in Canada without citizenship may have been voting in municipal elections for years. Well, that explains why all our freakin' mayors and councillors are either Filipino or Mexican! You might also be surprised to find out that the university student living next to you does not always wear a condom during drunken sexual encounters with foreigners. What's more, a recent online poll suggests that foreigners don't always wash their fruit properly before consumption! The other day, I saw an American simply wipe an apple off on his own shirt before he tore into it like a savage barbarian beast.

What all this points to is that there is clearly a security crisis of epic proportions happening in the general area of foreigners and we need to do something quickly. The only clear way to end these breaches of trust, threats to national security and fomenting fear is to make them citizens as soon as possible. For the love of god, make them citizens before they...um, become citizens?

In other news today, people- including Canadians- died all over the world. They died in accidents, homicides, botched surgeries, moments of extreme stress, and of natural causes... among others. The nation's death rate is still holding strong at 100%, despite huge advances in modern medicine and science. In fact, Canada remains tied for first place with all the other countries of the world - including the developing world- in eventual human mortality. What is particulary disgusting is that our government doesn't even have a plan to eradicate this scourge!

Luckily, the gods have grinned once again and I survived the night. And it's a good thing, or else you wouldn't have been able to fill up the past 3 minutes of your pitiful lives reading this pseudo-informative drivel. Now get back to work you sickos.