The Two Wheeled Solution
This is a message for all you concrete jungle dwellers out there. With the start of construction season looming, and the price of fuel skyrocketing, K-Dough is challenging y'all to use the Two Wheeled Solution! Riding your bike is like having sex (for those of you who haven't had sex in a long time, having sex is also like riding a bike). Why is it like sex? Well, I'll tell ya:- Both are free (for most of us - emotional taxes not included.)
- Both are good for you (increases circulation and strength in your heart, legs and genital regions)
- Both are spiritually invigorating (biking brings you closer to Buddha)
- With a few quick modifications, your bike seat can become an exceptionally stimulating device.
So please: Leave your stinky, smog-producing killing machines at home. We don't need any more of that shit on our streets. Take transit. Walk. Smoke a joint and sit at home all day in your underwear with the shades drawn watching porn. Whatever.
posted by K-Dough at 7:35 AM
61 Comments:
And picking the wrong bike seat is like picking the wrong woman. Risk having your testicles crushed and your weiner fall off.
That happened to me once.
Oh, and I forgot a safety tip: Don't drive drunk! That's why I took the TTC to work this morning...
Kill me please.
Happy hangover K!
Love cycling, but I still can't get into the helmet thing. I don't want to set a bad example for the kids, but it must be a generational issue.
For me it was banana seats, high handlebars and whitewall tires. Nobody would be caught dead looking like a human lightbulb.
NON POST RELATED COMMENT:
I've just fired a client! For the first time ever! I told them I didn't want their business anymore, they were not worth the stress. How fucking liberating. I'm still shaking with excitement...
sorry, had to share that with somebody..
Leather- Jesus- have you joined your local Fight Club chapter man? That's reckless anarchist behaviour...good for you!
Was it messy?
Oh, people are freaked right now. I'm probably the most affable guy on the planet, and I have a high tolerance for asshole-ness. (More indifference than tolerance.)
But imply that I'm dishonest? I snap, apparently...
My wife is in sales and deals with some pretty special people some times. I could never do it. I'd be snapping every day. It would be violent. People would get hurt.
Nice post, K-Dough... I went out for my first ride of the season on Tuesday night and absolutely loved it. That said, unlike leatherhands, I'm totally into the helmet thing, and actually have a matching jersey, shorts, and shoes to prove it.
Alas, there's a darker side of cycling (http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/LAC.20060421.CYCLISTS21/TPStory/TPNational/). Cyclists might want to take the time to write to the provincia Minister of Transportation and to City Hall demanding guards on the sides of large trucks.
I wear a helmet as well. You shoudn't try to navigate this crazy city's streets without one.
I absolutely love the feeling of flying by those fools crammed into their death machines, bumper to bumper, trying to get to their offices. It's liberating. And I get where I'm going quicker than the do...
Let me qualify the helmet thang....I don't ride on city streets, (easy to do since I don't live there anymore)and my kids aren't allowed to even get on a scooter without one. It's just a petty, metrosexual issue for me.
Pam,
That's most guys for ya. They just like fuckin' and fightin'. That's why I prefer being ambiguous.
39th year? I'm only 18.
Well, ok- parts of me are 38...but they're all good parts.
Other similarities between the two activities:
1 - its fun to do on your own, but infinitely better in groups.
2 - each requires much hand-signalling to let everyone know what you're doing next.
3 - helmuts are necessary or your head might get squashed in the fun.
4 - if you yank the chain too hard, it can fall off.
shit, the helmet has been covered earlier in the thread. my apologies.
Chucker,
"Hand signalling"? What the hell are you and the missus up to anyway?
Ya, I'd like to know what's up with the hand signals. I have a few for my husband but they aren't very sexual, if you know what I mean.
Whatever it is it sounds very safe.
Leather,
"Petra picked Peter's pocket pickle."
say that 5 times quickly and you'll get an idea.
I envy anyone who has the option of riding a bicycle to work. I on the other hand do my part by carpooling.
From what I can see, down-town Toronto cyclists must have nerves of steel.
Car pooling works!
I hafta say that I feel pretty safe biking on the streets of the T Dot. I see a lot of cyclists driving crazier than motorists...
and they are the first to complain about being cut off etc.
I ride with traffic and will take up an entire lane if I need to. If anyone has a problem with it, I inform them that they are entirely welcome to kiss my ass.
my pop bikes to work - 30 km both ways from suburb to downtown (of course, we crazy Mtlers put bike paths on our shore. can you imagine that? not industrial wastelands, but actual bike paths.)
K,
You should keep your lane.I've found that if I hug the shoulder, drivers tend to just ignore me. I stay far enough left that they have to use another lane.
Do you have a bike trailer? I used one when my kids were small and they loved it but they are really for bike paths or quiet streets.
I have a seat to carry my daughter. Looking fwd to using this summer - she was a little pissed about being in it last year-too young and the helmet kept falling down over her face. Poor sweet girl.
She'll love it this summer. My little guy still loves to have a ride with me along the canal, but now he's on his own bike.
Thanks for reminding me that I have to buy those (bike seat and helmet) for my son this weekend!
Have a nice weekend everyone!
Leatherhands: "For me it was banana seats, high handlebars and whitewall tires. Nobody would be caught dead looking like a human lightbulb."
You used to drive a bike with banana seats, high handlebars and whitewall tires, and yet somehow, you'd balk at wearing a helmet? Like it was going to cramp your style?
K-dough: You do snap at people. It does get violent. People do get hurt. Peter still has the erect nipple to bear witness.
Chucker: "helmuts are necessary or your head might get squashed in the fun." While I agree that hot German guys named Helmut are necessary, I hope it doesn't lead to my head getting squashed in the fun.
homosuperior,
you're the funniest!
Homo, I miss you. The testosterone level gets uncomfortably high for me here at times.
Re: the bike: I was always cool. We're talking mid-sixties here. I was the first to have Elephant Pants. I was the only boy with long hair. Girls always loved my lips. (Still do.) My style was un-crampable, my good man.
I am seriously considering not bringing my shit box car to Toronto when I move in a couple of weeks. I only have 1 assigned parking spot and Sheena's currently favoured legover companion needs it. My door handle doesn't work and I haven't had power steering in over a year. But still figuring out ways to get to North York from Queen W in the least painful way.
sheena,
my own, mild experiences with Toronto traffic taught me something:
Torontonians don't understand that commuting doesnt' REQUIRE highways. Example: why do the 401 during traffic when Don Mills Rd. takes you from Don Valley Parkway to the Airport with no hassle and 1 street name change?
Boggles the mind.
Chucker- Torontonians don't use the 401 during rush hour, unless of course they work in the suburbs. Those people you are referring to are suburban consumers, choking the earth and its creatures with their noxious emissions and buying up every piece of remaining green area left within a 100 km radius.
They are like a giant kidney stone that is swelling our collective bladder which will eventually burst. We are living in a bladder economy. And one day soon, there will be a massive piss flood that we will drown in.
Sheena: Achhhh. You are moving to North York??? Best way to get to Queen W from there is to move closer!
i luv riding my bike, sans the helmet.
Wow, April 22. If marriage # 1 had survived, it would have been our 22nd anniversary. Now I barely remember what she looked like. Funny thing, this life.
Leatherhands, I am actually back from London. I arrived back on Monday night. I was only there for a week, which wasn't long enough quite frankly.
Sorry to hear about the trauma you suffered whilst (see, I can use British spellings too) there. One day, I may be blogging from London for real. I love that city. But then I also want to move to Australia and I'm a Libra which makes me crap at making up my mind. So who knows?
Also, I was staying at a hotel in Kensington, across from the gardens and palace. It was nice, and surprisingly reasonable.
Homo, I remember that area well. Plenty of Bobbies on the footway though. Good thing I wore my dark jumper. Fokin' 'ell.
If I didn't have kids after the last marriage, I would be there right now. I had a job offer from an artist I really admire that I had been trading recordings of our work with. It would have been a dream to do that, but I'm crazy in love with my kids so no regrets.
I'm a Libra too! That means we would make a lousy couple....somebody has to be the "rock" or you're fucked.
K-Dough -- good point. Now, let's keep it safe and stay three chevrons apart.
Chucker, LOL!!! (It's actually two chevrons.)
No, no, K-dough. It's the reverse. I'd go FROM Queen W TO North York. Please do not suggest I move there. Otherwise I'll just stay in the K2P.
homosuperior, what hotel did you stay at?
I walked over to the Diana Memorial from the Paddington Hilton when I was there in late Feb and was quite astounded at how much it reminded me of a scale model version of one of those concrete drainage ditches in Los Angeles where on TV they do drag racing for pinks.
Leatherhands, we wouldn't make a good couple, not because we're both Libras, but because you are straight.
Sheena, I stayed at the Thistle Kensington Palace Hotel, at the corner of Kensington Road and De Vere Gardens. A few doors down and across the street was the house where Robert Browning lived (and died).
I am not discriminating, K-dough. I just don't think a straight man and a gay man would have a great relationship, sexually speaking. I don't think we'd be "compatible". I prefer men who like men.
Besides, I don't think I could ever date a guy who thinks whitewall tires, banana seats and high handle bars are cool. Sorry, Leatherhands.
Homo,
That's OK. It was more a commentary on two Libras then any sexual deal. Don't be so quick to write me off based on my taste in bikes when I was a kid, though. My wife is Bi and tells me I'm "everything she's always wanted in a woman and a man." Let your imagination go where it may.
Hey, I've seen leather's mangina- nothing to sneeze at!
btw homo- why post a new topic, when inevitably the conversation will end up right back here at SEX again?
Holy shit,
I've got a good cooking wine buzz going and I'm back here on the friggin' computer again. My eight year old wanted to "help" prepare the roasted sweet potatoes, but may have put too much salt in. Fuck. Also on the menu: bbq'd ribs, the missus' unbelievable balsamic vinegrette saled and a Best Of Patsy Cline cd. Guests are welcome!
K-Dough, you promised not to share my little secret! (Mangina! LOL!!!) I say leave this post hanging and you'll have 200 comments in no time. Why work so hard...
Leatherhands, what time's dinner? I am staring at an empty fridge right now, but I did go out and get myself a bottle of wine this afternoon. I've got my priorities gay.
leather's having a dinner party and I'm not invited?!? I have a house full of 10 yr old boys and I'm losing what's left of my mind. I need to get out.
That's awful, Pam. But I am sure you look gorgeous!
btw K-dough: "btw homo- why post a new topic, when inevitably the conversation will end up right back here at SEX again?"
That's not the point. What are you getting paid for? You're fired!
Homo now has a trendy 100 X 150 ft apartment in downtown TO full of 18 year old boys. I have a bladder full of beer, B&B and a belly full of St Clair West delicacies. All is well in the centre of the universe!
Go Habs!!!!!!!! Already up on those Yankee bastards.
Oh yeah and congrats on your Sens victory last night Pam.
leather- you dropped the glove- I'm smelling it. Let's go for 200!!!!
Pam, I hate to disappoint you, but I do not have any 18-year-olds in my apartment (nor is it a whopping 100x150 feet -- I wish!) Plus, 18 is too young for me. I like men, not boys.
You know what your mother always told you about not believing everything you read on the Internet, well it's doubly true when K-dough is the author of it.
GO HABS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
News Flash: Glorious Habs decimate southern US losers tonight 6-1.
Was there ever any doubt?
It was a great game. Can't wait for round two.Would Montreal play Ottawa if they, er, WHEN they win this round? I never watch after round one, for obvious reasons.
Don't worry Pam.
The pain will be over quickly: when Montreal tears the Sens to shreds, it will be over in no time, and then your Sens buddies will be able to join the Loafs on the links.
homo,
You and I both know that it would be a toss of the coin.It could go either way with those teams.I'd like to see that game on Ottawa ice.
Pam- don't worry yet sweetie- ya neva know what can happen in this crazy stick and puck game.
I hafta say I am very proud of my Habs these days. Playing like an extremely cohesive unit with a lot of fire in the belly.
Well, if the Sens don't take the cup, I hope it's the Habs. But my money is still on Ottawa. I forgot the game started at 6 and was stuck in traffic on the Queensway on my way home this afternoon. Shit.
Go sens!!
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