Cleaning Up Cow Town

Like all jurisdictions who all of a sudden find themselves on centre stage thinking "do I have something on my face?", Calgary is planning to curtail drunken cow boyish behaviour and turning its back on its roots, as it were. No longer will Calgarians be able to enjoy the wild-western freedoms they have held so dear for years and years.

A guy will no longer be able to chuck his buddy through a saloon-window when he finds him cheating at cards. No more will they hear the metallic sounds of zippers in the night, like swords being unsheathed after the bars, as schlongs unfurl and beer by-product gushes onto glistening sidewalks. No more will Uncle Jesse be able to spit chewin' tuhbacca bullits at the old rusty pail at the end of the porch as he watches the mail wagon pull in at high noon. They are also going to outlaw loitering, putting feet up on public benches and carrying a visible knife around.

I asked one old timer down at a local watering hole what he thought about all the fuss. He just said "well, ho-lee fuck. What's there going to be to do at all anymore around here? People are saying this is about tryin' to stifle them filthy homeless but I say this is gonna go down in the history learnin' books as the Anti-Cow Boy Edicts of '06."

It's so true old timer. So true. So kiss them doggies like yuh mean it tonight - it just might be the last time. Because this new fangled world is just a steam rollin' all over the traditions and joys of the days of old. Yessirree lawdy.