K-Dough Helping the Melancholy

In quiet times, my mind often drifts to pondering the pain and anguish that those poor EMO kids have to go through. Some say I feel too much, but you know what, that's who I am. Contrary to popular belief, K-Dough is compassionate. I have even read a few pages of a book that someone bought for me, which outlines the Dalai Lama's teachings on compassion. Incidentally, the person who bought me the book sheepishly and tearfully pleaded with me to read it because she was spineless and lacked any semblance of self-confidence. But, I digress.

I want to help those EMO kids who have no one to hug at night as they weep themselves into a dark narcosis while listening to old Cure songs. That's why I created Comfort-Me Emo- the only over-sensitive, broody stuffed red toy with an addiction to benzodiazepines (Zanex for the lay person) and Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia. Yes EMO kids, you can now have a personal confidante to wile away hour after dreary hour staring at your own myspace profile, wondering why no has messaged you.

And the best thing is that Comfort-Me EMO doesn't talk to you -- because that's what you prefer in human relationships. He merely sits there lifeless, staring off into the distance like you don't even exist, completely ignoring your long-winded, boring stories of heartache and social dislocation.

And we've incorporated some amazing technology into Comfort-Me EMO. Just pull the string on EMO's back and he will either tattoo a solemn tear on your cheek or slowly slough away to nearby closet where he will write dark poetry and sulk until his episode is over.

So get 'em now kids, while they're still around- or before the entire human race becomes extinct in the coming firestorm of death, due to the injustice, cruelty and insensitivity perpetrated by the soulless, dark-hearted mouth-breathing creatures that populate this disgusting ball of filth we call the world, that dismally revolves in the dark wheel of pain and misery that we call this galaxy.