K-Dough's Canada!

THUD Toronto campaign

2009-09-04T09:12:00.008-04:00

K-Dough is hereby challenging all Toronto cyclists to help control the horrid lack of road safety displayed by other cyclists every day by policing ourselves and joining the THUD Toronto (Torontonians Heckling Unsafe Drivers) campaign. The prevalent opinion that has emerged over the past week in the media, however misguided as it may be, is that poor innocent cyclists are daily persecuted by crazed anti-bike car drivers.

Well, the reality is that the majority of cyclists on our city streets are a bunch of law-ignoring, cocky/stupid jackasses who flirt with their own demises every day, flouting rules and riding like pompous 8 yr olds with entitlement complexes.

So it's really up to us- the cycling community- to make sure they know how the respectable and law-abiding among us feel about their retarded behaviour on the road.

What can you do? Every time you stop at an orange or red light and witness some stupid idiot riding gingerly half-way across the intersection and then through it; or someone speeding through the red light with no regard for their own, or others' safety yell as loud as you can: "THUD!!!" THUD is the sound of a body crunching under the wheels of a car or truck.

Or, yell THUD as you are taking a picture of them with your cell phone and post it online. Better yet, get the attention of a police officer and have them chase the idiot down.

It's not enough to whine and whinge about how cyclists are getting a raw deal when so many of us are ignorant, reckless idiots. Do something about it. Remind a stupid THUD near you that he/she is being watched.

You can JOIN a THUD facebook group organized by my buddy here: http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?topic=10370&uid=132728591329#/group.php?gid=132728591329

Framing the Discussion

2009-09-04T07:29:00.003-04:00

Metro Morning just interviewed the huggy feel-good Yvonne Bambrick from Toronto Cyclists Union and the context they have put this tragedy in is one of cyclists rights and education: Should cyclists be licensed? How can cars and cyclists get along?

Of course, the feel gooder said cyclists need to feel more welcomed by society. Yup. That was her response to a question about how to help the problem of rampant ignorance of traffic rules. She went on to say, of course they need to obey rules, but they also need to break them to stay alive.

Hm Yvonne. Does include running red lights? Riding on sidewalks? Riding in oncoming lanes when its suits them to get around red lights?

Let's get it right people: the Bryant incident was about people and rage: assault. It had nothing to do with the mode of transportation each chose.

Psycholist's Death Mourned by 1,000 Fools

2009-09-03T10:45:00.005-04:00

Someone has to say this.

Yesterday, approximately 1,000 cyclists disrupted Toronto city streets, ostensibly to mourn the death of a guy killed while attacking the car of Ontario's former Attorney General after a minor fender-bender.

But what was their message? What were these fools really doing? While a handful may have been truly mourning, the rest were displaying a mixture of dysfunction: blind allegiance to a nutty, geeky cyclist sub-culture that thinks cyclists are never guilty of infractions and that some evil car culture persecutes them; thumbing of the noses of the mundane and mediocre at the fallen mighty because all public figures deserve ridicule when their humanity is exposed; or, at its worst, this was a display of lawless, ignorant rage similar to the same rage that ultimately became that man's undoing.

The fools demonstrated publicly, crying "murder" despite published eyewitness accounts that clearly indicate this was no ordinary case of evil car dragging innocent cyclist. They rode in support of a fucked-up criminal, wanted on 64 outstanding charges in Alberta, who was drunk and removed by police from a property less than an hour earlier, with his own friends saying he was too drunk to drive. If he had gotten in a car at that point and killed a child, we would be publicly vilifying him. But because he rode a bicycle (which he reportedly threw at the car he attacked) he is a victim? That is indescribably fucked up.

I have true sympathy for the life of the man killed. According to media reports, he had to deal with a lot of unfortunate shit while he was alive. So have I. So have a lot of people I know. What drove him to to pay the ultimate price we can't change and the question of placing blame on others is for the courts to decide. We can only soberly think about that tragic example next time we want to punch someone in their car, on their bike, on the TTC or....anywhere.

But one thing is clear: This protest wasn't about cars versus bikes or the rich versus the downtrodden. This is about the glorification of crime, akin to gangbangers becoming legends in their hood once they are gunned down.

And even when the courts decide who really is at fault, and Bryant is exonerated to the sour milk cries of preferential treatment for the rich and powerful, the fools will learn nothing. Because they are fools.

Hellllo Strangers...

2009-09-03T10:13:00.002-04:00

I know it's been a while. Thought you'd never hear from me again? Well, certain recent events have forced me to consider coming out of retirement.

Stay tuned for some gaseous vitriol- it's building up and desperately needs to be expunged ... very soon.

Kisses, K

Are the Spanish Retarded?

2008-08-14T20:42:00.003-04:00

The Spanish Olympic men's basketball team posed for an ADVERTISEMENT in which they all pulled their eyes up at the side into a slant before the Olympics and they seem to see nothing wrong with it. I'm sorry? In an article that erroneously says the Spanish basketball team is trying to diffuse the damage they've done by mocking the physical characteristics of Asians, one Spanish player said this, "If we thought that it was going to offend anybody we would not do it. But if you think this is offensive you're not thinking in the right way, because it's not even a joke. It's just because we are coming to Beijing, we have this kind of eyes." The coach, Aito Garcia Reneses, pulled his baby bed covers over his face and said "Everybody is talking about something that I cannot understand."

Might as well have said "I'm a retarded Spanish dude. What the fuck do I know?".

Iz all I'm sayin'.

New K-Dough Blog: Coming NOW!

2008-07-02T15:04:00.003-04:00

Yo kids: Pls visit a fresh new joint, published by K-Dough starting NOWish. This summer, I will be blogging about road safety in Toronto and publishing descriptions, licence plate numbers and possibly photos of Toronto's Road Idiots as often as necessary.

The spokes and phrases start turning at Road Idiot T.O. today!

Check it out mofos!

K

Where It's At

2007-10-25T20:33:00.001-04:00

I got two-turntables and a microphone. Sorry, couldn't resist.

But seriously you sick little monkey-fuckers, I just wanted to let anyone know who's actually wondering where I'm at, uh, where I'm at.

The real K-Dough is busy writing a book right now, so that's where all my creative juices are collecting like gravy from a well-choked, but still slightly moist chicken.

Someday I may be back. You can only hope, I guess.

Love you all like my own sister. Wait, that didn't come out right.

Let's talk soon or have a beer. All of us?

K

Media Mogul Mao Harper

2007-10-15T10:21:00.000-04:00

What is this bullshit about a new media centre that Harper and his retarded flying monkeys are building? (HERE) Has Canada somehow been time-machined back into 1960s China? Next he'll be buying his own newspaper and torturing journalists in a dungeon, just like Conrad Black.

Dictatorial cocksucker.

Cry Baby Tory Blaming Others

2007-10-10T20:45:00.000-04:00

When questioned today about why he included funding for faith-based schools in his platform, even though 3 years ago his party knew it would flop, John "Cry Baby" Tory said: "I never had control of the message." Hm. If the central issue of this election was leadership, does it sound very leader-like for the leader of a party to have never had control of his own party's message?

Then, blaming the media for his dismal performance, he said "Did I say it (faith-based school funding) was the issue of the campaign? Never once."

Who the fuck cares what you say is the issue of the campaign John Q. Tory? You released your platform and people focussed on what they wanted to focus on. That's democracy John, you spoiled, corporate hollow man. Take off the tear-stained dress and suck it up princess.

Urban Vignette #45-A.

2007-09-26T11:30:00.000-04:00

Having suffered some memory damage due to a severely dehydrated brain, I just recalled a strange thing that happened on my way to getting hammered with the illustrious Sheena last night. Two guys in a white Cherokee pulled up to the curb beside me as I walked up the street and said "Hey dude. Do you want a home theatre system?" I said "what?". The guy reiterates his generous offer and points to the back of the truck. I said, "uh, no I'm good". Dude tried harder. He says "seriously dude, do you want this home theatre system? We just scored it from work".

WTF? Brilliance seems to know no bounds in the city I love.

An Environmental Treatise

2007-09-21T08:36:00.000-04:00

Warning: The following blog post contains excessive use of foul language. Proceed with caution.
RATED: "R" for Retard.

If one more luxury fossil-fuel burner-driving, pin-dicked Forest Hill cocksucker honks incessantly or makes obscene gestures or comments to me while I am legally waiting in the middle of a fucking goddamn intersection to turn left on my environmentally-friendly fucking bicycle, I am going to:

Leap from my hybrid onto said cocksucker's windshield.
One-fist punch a hole in said windshield and in one motion rip the keys from the ignition, jamming them in his motherfucking mocha-choka-latte, country clubbing, pasty white thigh.
Pull the vehicle to a stop as he screams and writhes in pain and his own urine.
Pull the asshole from his polluting penis substitute by his Blackberry.
Force him to his knees and duct tape his mouth around the tailpipe.
Put the hammer to the metal and leave him to choke on his own toxic fumes.

Motherfucker goddamn cock shit!!!

Thanks. I feel a lot better now.

New Political Landscape

2007-09-20T14:09:00.000-04:00

Apparently, there is a New Political Landscape in Canada, in the wake of the Quebec by-elections. But for those who fear change, the great news is that we still have the same old unimaginative, clichéd TV journalism you've been enjoying for years. Joy! Notwithstanding their common overstated generalization, the fact that these identical taglines ran at exactly the same moment on CTV Newsnet and CBC Newsworld two days ago, is, well, puzzlingly coincidental. Or is it? (cue undead Michael Jackson Thriller face and insane laughter):

Atwood, Plath...Step Aside

2007-09-19T09:41:00.000-04:00

A friend pointed me towards THIS. It's a collection of love poems by Leonard Nimoy. I loved it so much that I approached the publisher and was asked to write the following review, to be included on the back cover of the next hard cover edition:

Wow! I'm blown away by the profound sensitivity, introspection and unique, masterful use of language that Leonard employs. "We are the dreamers. We are the dancers. Life is the music. Love is the song." I mean, I never would have thought to say that. Who the fuck says that? I'm humbled. I'm shocked. No, I'm spocked. Holy fuck.
K-Dough

Ella and Me

2007-09-18T09:46:00.000-04:00

This one is older, but I can feel that double-edged sentiment of romantic isolation increasingly re-occurring these days. Contrary to what that connotes, it's actually a welcome change...

Ella and Me

Gazing through a glass eye in the face of a solemn room,
to cobbled sidewalks, spattered with autumn rain.
Real live people are out in this damp October rush hour.
Well-dressed soldiers of industry marching through chilling drizzle,
shielded by a New York Times or an umbrella;
headed towards coffee houses and warm dinners.
Coming in wet and cold, to clean, freshly washed robes
and hot, naked arms.

They seem so glamorous down there. As if the cameras were rolling.
As if Woody Allen were re-making Manhattan right here on Bloor West.

From down on the streetscape they don’t hear
Ella's soulful warbling, questioning: Where Or When?
They don’t savour sharp peppers in a pasta for one.
They don't breathe the earthy fullness of the Nag Champa smoulders.
And if they bothered to look up -- just a few stories --
they’d see candles dancing shamelessly,
like Amsterdam whores, in my screenless window.

By the thousands they pass this anonymous window every night, like ducks on a wheel.
I’d do anything for their attention, but they walk on, expressionless;
unaware of the similarities between us; unconcerned with learning they are kindred.

Nevertheless, I am comforted by the fact that, forever, Ella is here.

If I were Rick Blaine this would all be much easier.
I’d resolve to send Ilsa's ghost on a one way flight
and resign to the end of the bar, content in my bravado.
However...the days of the steel heart are no longer mine.

Chrétien Foreshadows Book Content

2007-09-17T15:05:00.000-04:00

When I asked him this morning at breakfast** what manner of dirty secrets would be exposed in his upcoming book, Jean Chrétien lifted his drunken, drooling head off the pillow and murmured "A book is a book. What kind of a book? It's a book. A book is a book. And when you 'ave a good book it's because it's written."

**In response to an offline questioner who asked "What would you be doing in bed with Chrétien " I thought I should clear things up. Hey, everyone knows how easy it is to get into the Chrétien bedroom. Last night, I drunkenly stumbled into the wrong house, and when Aline attacked me, some kind of sexual chemical reaction occurred. Next thing I know, the Chrétien's and I are entangled in the throes of a sweaty ménage a trois. Hey, one should never look a gift former PM's wife in the mouth...mwahaha.

Massaging the Dead

2007-09-17T09:51:00.000-04:00

I’ve spent a lifetime massaging the dead:
Worrying and fretting; making them coffee;
bringing them groceries; cutting their lawns;
making them come and dumbing down the universe.

But all they can do is expect:
Expect the tickle to be careful;
expect to be soul-fed sugary lies like baby birds;
expect me to breathe meaning into love
that is brain-dead, frozen blue and far past the point of resuscitation.

They are unable even to lift limbs, but expect my sincere inspiration,
and heartfelt submission to their impossible ideals.

And what does it leave me – this hamstrung marathon?
Nothing but a tied and bound conscience buried in the backyard with dream bones and rotting table scraps, whose skeletal middle digits pierce my spine when I’m drunk.

There is no peaceful place for me in a life where the smallest shreds of honesty embarrass the dinner guests and equivocation is a virtue.

The dead are harm in my arms, though my arms find it hard to let go
for fear that I’ll slip from the greased edge of their cold zombie love
into the wild blue.

Parachute packed, I now understand that freefall is the best redemption.

So I’m jumping.

Crumpled Beauty

2007-09-13T09:40:00.000-04:00

I took the subway today because I have drinking plans after work. Something about the anonymity of that human herring-packed metal tube always gets me thinking. It's crazy that one can be surrounded by so many humans, yet you can't help but feel if you just burst out in tears no one would notice. Sure, a few may momentarily glance over the tops of their Metro tabloid news round-up, but you'd still be crying alone. And once you got off at the next stop, they'd forget you, like that crumpled up tabloid left on a seat for someone else to pick up, peruse and dispose of, once again.

People do this to people. I have come to realize that. Even the most trusted, intimate people in your life crumple you up and leave you on a subway seat. But you know what, there is beauty in it. It's a natural occurrence, like a force of nature: A devastating flood or an earthquake. Everything dies and is reborn, as do friendships and loveships. But there is beauty, always, even if it sometimes is hidden under ash and silt. Even ash and silt can be beautiful- depends on your depth of perspective.

What I have learned -- no, what I am learning, is that the only way to ameliorate your own suffering is to lessen the suffering you cause others. Although I believe suffering is an inescapable part of being human, causing others to suffer is a choice -- an act of will.

I am now searching for beauty even though many of us tend to "give bad names to beautiful things". I am searching for beauty in love; beauty in pain; beauty in nature; beauty in thought and perception; and beauty in expression. And from now on, I will try to choose subway cars filled by other beauty-seekers, so they, too, can see the value of my tabloidy crumpledness.

The Nipple On Our Souls

2007-09-12T09:00:00.000-04:00

If North American society is sexually schizoid, the US is a whiskey-throated blonde cheerleader dolled up in slutty make-up, who faints at the slighest prospect of intimacy. Witness the current debacle facebook has created by banning pix that breastfeeding advocates have posted on their pages. Facebook recently deleted the account of a Canadian woman who posted pix that apparently violated their standards. Feministas and boob supporters alike are understandably pissed. Although, groups like La Leche League are still up and have pix on their pages showing acceptable depictions of breastfeeding. Of course, "acceptable" in this case means NO NIPPLE.

What the hell is wrong with this society, when barely pubescent girls can writhe in fucking g-strings and oil while firing submachine guns on TV, yet the sudden flash of a single goddamn nipple at a violent sports match can summon on the four horses of the apocalypse? Moreover, what is wrong when natural women feed their children naturally with the natural NIPPLES that they were naturally born with and repressed nutbars can punish and chastise them for being inappropriate and dirty? That is the true sexual perversion in our society and tears us even further away from our HUMAN roots.

Now don't get me wrong. I know that when you open a facebook account, you sign on to certain terms, including not posting pix containing nudity. There is a very good reason for this, as anyone who knows anything about the naivete of children and the slyness of pedophiles will understand. But holy fucking jesus christ North America: Get over your insane NIPPLE fear!!!

If you don't the terrorists will have won.

Electionitis Hits Inner Blogolia!!!

2007-09-11T06:34:00.000-04:00

Holy shit- a quick scan of ProgBlog land last night, and it was clear to see that, not even 12 hours after the writ dropped its pants, some political nutters had already dropped to their knees. Oy vey: Get ready world for a frantic, billion-post month of jumping to conclusions, over-thinking, childish whinging and torrid speculation. It's like the start of hockey season when people are already blathering into City TV street mics about whether or not the Leafs have what it takes to go all the way - before the first puck has even dropped.

Take deep breaths, put down those six packs of Red Bull and get some sleep kids. It's going to be a long, long month.

Writ Drop Fever

2007-09-10T08:58:00.000-04:00

4 years ago, around this time, I was flexing my democratic biceps, working hard behind-the-scenes of a campaign to help end 8 years of tyrannical neo-con rule. A tangible sense of excitement hung in the cool autumn air, as that red meteor hurtled towards the blue terra firma to eventually cause the extinction of those Harrisite dinosaurs. That election changed my little piece of reality in ways I can't really get into, but suffice to say, things got much better in my beloved province for many people I know.

Today, Ontario's future will once again be plunged into uncertainty as the paperwork is filed and we offically kick-off a new campaign period leading up to election day on October 10th. I implore you to really listen to and question what candidates in your ridings are saying. Don't succumb to the popular cop-outs that other lazy-ass citizens use to explain their democratic abstinence: "Uhhh, I don't like any of 'em so I'm not voting". I can't count the number of so-called intelligent people I've met who have used some version of this lame-ass excuse to explain why they don't vote. It makes them no better than the average drooling idiot who doesn't even know there is an election going on.

People DIE in less fortunate societies to be able to vote. But here, we die because we gourge ourselves on junk food, play video games and let our childish brains decay in dormancy. Too many of us only exist to consume, yet maintain a smug sense of self-entitlement. We love to blame politicians in a knee-jerk for everything under the sun that irks us, yet we don't get off our fat asses and make our society a better place by becoming democratically active.

Don't be one of the ignorant mASSES this time - make your voice heard. Vote for someone on October 10th - anyone!!!

Please visit Elections Ontario if you have any questions whatsoever about where to vote, how to register to vote, etc. You can access the web site HERE. And try to pass on a little bit of your knowledge to everyone you know over the next month!!!

Oh, Rock Slut!

2007-09-07T07:09:00.000-04:00

As promised to my friend LC yesterday, and in honour of F-Day, I am lightening up on the heady discourse and shifting to a more air-heady theme. Here, now, is my ode to the more glitsy, gutsy and gobbley of the female persuasion- the rock tramp.

Oh, Rock Slut A Poem, by K-Dough

Oh rock slut, when you held my spiral-permed locks to keep my head out of the toilet, I knew that there was love inside of you- or would be imminently.

But I made the mistake of licking your face, in the heat of a steamy hotel bathroom, and ended up with a foundation-caked tongue.

I will never forget the sweet words you sputtered as we met in the small town arcade:
"Heyyyy, Yer in that band playin' over at the hotel, eh? You from Turanna?" Or as you looked up at me in that room full of onlookers, pulled the gristlehunk out of your face, and queried: "Can we kiss first?": The memory is like a balloon angioplasty to my weiner.

You giggled, drunkenly as I scrawled "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, shit out your spleen" on the filthy dressing room drywall.

You snorted, and Dr. Pepper squirted out of your perfect little model nose, when I pulled out my dick and stuck it in our stupid light tech's ear as he slept - unawares.

You suffered my childish tantrums about how my art would suffer if the bar owner wouldn't give us a free case of Blue.

You helped me spray and tease my do, and let me borrow your zebra-stripe shirts and spandex and rubber bangles.

You bought me cheeseburgers and made me bottle-tokes and let me stay at your passed-out Step-Mom's house when I was in town.

You introduced me to all your local girlfriends, who also dropped to their knees at the flick of a fly, thanks to your expert tutellage.

But most of all, my little rock slut, you masturbated with a giant carrot and then let me put it in your ass after I fucked your sister with it. It brings a tear to my pants even now.

One thing I gotta say sweet little rock slut: You're special - and I mean that.

My "Self"

2007-09-06T13:01:00.000-04:00

Yesterday's discussion flushed out an impossible age-old question: What is self? Can you lose yourself? Is there really any true, enduring intrinsic self to speak of? My feeling: Don't try to quantify the qualitative or you'll end up a mathematician- or worse- a psychiatrist!

I'm not sure what self is, but I think I have a pretty good idea about how it is expressed. A forensic map leading into our skulls and souls can be found through our preferences, acts, desires and what makes us happiest. They are the ontological footprints of our impermanent being. In light of my current saga of self re-discovery, I thought it might be useful to me, and perhaps of passing mundane interest to you, to list a few personal loves. So, in the spirit of Julie Andrews (OMG- did I really just write that?) here are a few of my favourite things:

Philosophy and epistemology; critical thinking; Buddha.
Loving kisses and hugs from children. They can't fake it. Ever.
MUSICS OF ALL SORTS: But mostly groovy ambient and world musics; modern jazz; hard core, loud, raging metal and tongue in cheek, smart ass punk; real rasta reggae; salsa.
Sex and all that it entails - academically, physically and spiritually.
Drugs of all sorts in responsible doses.
Belgian ales on cool, rainy nights; hot sake on cold wintry nights; sweet and red or light fruity bouquets on hot days.
Prolonged, strenuous exercise in sweltering heat.
Stupid humour. Really stupid clever stupid fucking humour. Especially when it helps you laugh in the face of death.
People of all socio-economic, phenotypical and cultural description.
Language- foul, foreign and flowery.
Selfish attempts at selflessness.
Heart-felt back scratching and light tickling: To me there is no greater form of physical pleasure.
Heated or gentle conversation between sensitive, intelligent people.
Gender and the exclusive languages and unique ways we use to bond with women and men.
World cuisine, especially with complex ingredients and spices and fragrant, strong flavours.
Rock sluts!

I could go on forever. Well, until I die at least. To be continued...cross your fingers.

Amsterdamned Forever

2007-09-05T09:26:00.000-04:00

Days like this are some of my favourite. The smell of coffee wafting along Bloor Street as the rain mists my face; Chris Isaak's Wicked Game soothing my iHead while limousines shuffle Hollywood-type pre-film fest sojourners to their booked-a-year-ago suites. Though this is present day Toronto, on days like this I am time-shifted back to damp Amsterdam, where I once lived for a short time.

I could barely control my urge to stride past my office this morning and find some comforting place harbouring warm croissants and earthy koffie creamed with sweet, vanilla-y koffiemelk. But that kind of spontaneity only comes in small bubbles these days: The casualty of an important, responsible workaday role. Pfft.

There may be nothing better in this cruel world than the feeling of carelessly wiling away hours at a canal-side cafe, by yourself, thumbing through Camus and eyeing some gorgeous blonde beauty from behind your desperately sweating pint of Oranjeboom. Or cradling a hot mug of Turkish java in the open window of a Dam coffee shop, with the thick incense of sweet hash in your throat and nostrils and Burning Spear gently massaging your soul from the smokey womb of dark wood floors and panels.

The depth of such experience is only measurable by the state of relaxation it inspires. The head room for introspection cannot be bought or sold. It can only come from abandon. And for the first time in years, I feel that reaching that depth is once again a distinct possibility. I am renewing the lease on my soul -- on my terms.

WARNING: Over the next while, (well, for as far as I can see from this limited vantage point) you might want to visit my archives - or the COMMENTS section for each post- if you are looking for the regular blasphemous, foul shite. I am in a deeply introspective mood lately (in case you haven't noticed), so these pages may make you want to puke, fall in love with me or leave me forever. All options are not only understandable, but encouraged.

I Remember Now

2007-09-04T08:55:00.000-04:00

I remember the crisp, new feeling of rebirth on the first day back to school. Every electrified nerve in my body bristled against that skin tight, fresh pair of unfaded Levis. Every ghostly kilojoule of my soul hurled me towards those smooth-bodied tender gifts waiting to be unwrapped on cool autumn nights by clumsy, sex-drunken hands.

I remember the all-encompassing hormone induced narcossis, in which the key to control of the universe lay in a hastily scrawled phone number on a crumpled note passed in class, or understanding what lurked behind a coquettish smile in the hall. For a short time, those moments possessed the romantic urgency of a first burning orgasm or a first sweet tongue tracing braces on a Friday night.

Now, I am at a crossroads. I am once again entering an ultra-excited era of optimism --unencumbered by the soul-sucking shackles of matrimonial underachievement. I am once again becoming that teenage heat-seeking missile of a kid. I am once again a free spirit on the hunt for the fair exchange of kindred human comfort.

Problem is, I am scarred-over and bruised by a year of previously unimaginable turmoil, deceit and betrayal. I am now more fully aware of the sullied, drab reality of adulthood; the profound disappointment in those you thought were friends; the redirection of energies into rebuilding the heart and soul; and the burden of memory. I am now gun-shy at wasting precious thoughts and touches on the unworthy.

You know, I've always welcomed change like a long lost lover. But I have to say, my heart could really use a syringe full of teenage naivete plunged inward right now. Who knows, perhaps the fall winds will blow a suitable opiate my way?

Thanks for listening, K

Reflections on Eastern Thought

2007-08-31T23:00:00.000-04:00

Years living in, and studying Japan at the grad level taught me a lot about life - and death. The experience brought me closer to gleaning some insight into universal truths about human nature, the constitution of the universe and the nature of the energy that flows within, from and into other living things, and ultimately, into death and back again. Being exposed to Buddha's teachings and realizing through Chan (Zen) that we all exist in a ceaseless empty circle of being, superficially coloured by both delight and torment, changed my life and the way I look at those I share this journey with.

That's how now, after all this time, I have come to realize one pure truth:
You have to like stupid people. If you don't, there really are not many people left to like on the face of this globe.

So this weekend, I'm suggesting you go out there and have dinner with, rollerblade with, talk about American Idol with, or just plain sport fuck a stupid person. It's only right.

Have a great day, you big stupid bunch of sexified stupid-heads.

10 Point Kwestion

2007-08-30T10:11:00.000-04:00

Diamonds are for pussies with no creativity, who have to pay for sex.
Leather is forever.

Discuss. (5 boner points for thinking outside of the box)

Knaked News

2007-08-29T09:01:00.000-04:00

Speaking of sucking and blowing, funny thing happened to me on the way to work this morning... No wait: I just drove in from Talahasee, and boy is my screwdriver tired. (Ba dum dum- spshhh)

But seriously, my greased and horny pot-bellied piglets, today I am offering you a quick rounding up of the truly bizarre in two ridiculous sentences. And here it is:

Even though unfathomably stupid teen beauty contestant Lauren Caitlin Upton did not win the famed Dumb As A Pool Noodle But I'd Love to Schtoop You contest, she is rumoured to be dating Leona Helmsley's dog Trouble, who just inherited a cool $12 million, and has quit her job as the CEO of a major Bay Street Investment house, where other stupid, yet great looking people are overworked. Helmsley's clearly insane financial decisions left her peniless and dead in some guy's garage, after being treated for blemishes by a Viennese descendant of Beethoven's private doctor, who is rumoured to be having an affair with gay denier and 3 term Republican senator, Larry Craig.

Whoosh! Oh yeah, and I'm not wearing underwear. Or overwear for that matter.

Blow the Man Down

2007-08-28T19:27:00.000-04:00

I'm in a shitty mood today. So, all I can say to anyone who expected a post on Conservative attack ads, the finer points of whether Stephane Dion is low-key or not, the Truscott decision, Quebec by-elections or whatever: You can blow me.

That's right, I said "blow me". And I don't mean in a cute Japanese porn, delicate pursed-lotus mouth, showering-the-shaft-with-butterfly-kisses kinda way. Neither do I mean that I want you to blow me in a "I'm gonna do this for about 45 seconds just to make it look like I appreciate your member before I have intercourse with you as fast as I can to get it over with" kinda way. And I definitely don't want you to blow me like a shy tearful amateur, akwardly inflicting toothy damage and looking up at me with questioning fawn eyes.

What I mean is, I want you to blow me in a nasty, sloppy, drunk out of your mind, slobbering kind of way. You know, like you've been famished for days and just got your shakey hands on a street dog smothered in mayonnaise, as you gurgle the word "fuck" as loud as you can kinda way. I want you to really get your hands dirty and work it, in full-fisted tandem, like you are adjusting a greased-up telescope. I mean, I want you to blow me like you are an insatiable sword-swallower on Ecstasy in an Amsterdam sex circus with complete abandon and dedication to your meaty craft. Ok, look, just think 'jungle cat ravenously eating a stiff turkey neck' if that helps.

Hmm...did I say earlier I was in a shitty mood? Suddenly, it feels like the sun has shone on my soul. I feel much better now. Thanks for listening - you're a good friend.

RIP to An Era

2007-08-21T09:58:00.000-04:00

Sam Pollock, general manager of Hab dynasties in Montreal in the '60s and '70s, died last week. He was the architect behind 9 Stanley Cups. He was also partially responsible for tons of childhood joy for a kid, ostracized in enemy territory by a gang of low-intelligence redneck, loser-supporting, snotty-nosed Leaf kids.

Here's to the bony finger of victory in your eye Southern Ontario.

Vive les tricolores!!! Vive les Canadiens!!!

Early Montreal Treasures Recovered

2007-08-20T08:56:00.000-04:00

Archaeologists have found the remains of the earliest known buildings in Montreal. The 1642 settlement contained many fascinating relects, which show some indication of what life in the cradle of Montreal civilization might have been like back then. K-Dough has obtained exclusive access to the archivist's list by greasing palms and other body parts. Here is just a sampling of what they found in the dig:

A jewelled, deerskin thong, with the name "Bambi Bouchard" stitched into the fabric, and a branded ensignia reading "Club Super Voyageur" on the front.
A crate of petrified bagels, which pre-date the earliest known Jewish immigrants to the area by over 100 years.
A crudely fashioned hockey puck made from what lab tests have confirmed to be kiln-fired moose shit.
An emaciated, stuffed beaver, mounted on what appears to be a stage, roughly hewn from birch, with the curious name-plate "Celine".
A well preserved large "C" encompassing a smaller "H", made from fried potatoes, held together by stringy melted cheese.

Armchair Mayor Flings Crap

2007-08-14T13:16:00.000-04:00

Responding to Toronto Mayor David Miller's threat of cutting services if the province doesn't raise its allowance, former mayor Mel "the Buffoon" Lastman took a page from Clyde, the Orangutan from the movie Every Which Way But Loose and passed wind, slapping himself on the belly repeatedly today. Reporters were aghast, when he then picked up a handful of his own faeces and flung it at a City TV cameraman, who then tripped over a cable and landed in Mel's hay pile, at which time Lastman planted a big, greasy kiss on the soiled cameraman's cheek.

See the whole story HERE.

THUDS Beware

2007-08-10T20:52:00.000-04:00

Time again, my smooth-bodied, drooling hamster children for a stream of conscious urban rage rant 'n rail (I'm actually frothing at the mouth as I type- oh wait- I think that's just the latte residue):

I am an experienced, skilled cyclist who obeys traffic laws. That's why today, I'm type-screaming the following announcement from tippy toes on my e-soap box :
I am sick of the fuckwad bike THUDS who run stop signs on Toronto streets: The very streets that have bike lanes to protect the safety of law-abiding cyclists. Why do I call these jackasses THUDS? Because that is the sound created when their carcasses are run over by cars, as they fly through intersections, and are squashed by right turning, law-abiding motorized vehicle drivers.

Please, for the love of god, start peer-pressuring idiots like these into shame. Yell at them. Scream "THUD" every time one of these bastards blows by you at a stop sign. It's the only way to get the message across.

These are the same loud-mouthed fucks who complain all the time that motorists victimize cyclists in the city. In my years riding in the T. Dot it's been evident that cyclists are much more often at fault than drivers. Now get out there and tell them!

Baby Harper Seals: Mmm!

2007-08-09T20:48:00.000-04:00

While Canadian Premiers met to discuss the fate of the country this week in the Maritimes, Prime Minister Stephen Harper snowmobiled aimlessly through the ice fields of Canada's North, on a jet blue SkiDoo doling out small quantities of taxpayers' dollars to confused Northerners. Harper made several important announcements today over a breakfast of a fresh arctic lichen and whale blubber omelet and glacial ice coffee. The new initiatives include:

The renaming of the famed Harp Seal to reflect the PM's visit: The animal will now be called the Harper Seal, and will be bred in government farms for meat. The government has reportedly signed a cross-marketing deal with McDonalds for the launch of the new McSealwich this fall.
A $450 investment in a new native dental program, across the entire North, over the next 5 years.
The establisment of a permanently staffed, 3 man snowshoe patrol, which will replace Canada's ageing Distant Early Warning nuclear launch system, currently attached by tags to the ears of 4 geriatric walruses who are in line for early retirement pensions.
A tough-on-crime anti-igloo graffiti program.

Thank god someone is doing something worthwhile in Canada, as those selfish Premiers fiddle with Ashley MacIsaac while the country burns.

Canadian Activist Arrested in China

2007-08-08T09:11:00.000-04:00

Chinese agents have arrested and detained 3 Canadian activists within the past 24 hours in the lead up to the official Olympics countdown ceremony. God forbid the fancy photo op party be soiled by the ugly truth of oppression. The latest victim is Canadian Lhadon Tethong, who is a leading figure in the fight to free Tibet from the brutal fist of CCP control.

Other activists have also been detained, no doubt, to prevent them from exposing China's continued terrorizing and persecution of innocent people. The Chinese government has provided no explanation to Canadian authorities.

Why does the world look the other way as China continues to abuse human rights and choke opposition to its policies? What a terrible fucking shame: And it's all about the dollar bills.

For updates on Tethong's fate, check her blog- currently being administered by a colleague-@ Beijing Wide Open

BREAKING NEWS update: CTV NEWsNet Canada is reporting that Tethong and other activists have been deported and are on a plane to Hong Kong as I type. At least they are safe!

K-Dough On the Road

2007-07-27T11:35:00.000-04:00

Sup, all you sexy Mofos, Brofos, Homos and Faux-mos?:

Just a note to say that I will be on the road for the next week, doing something great for myself and others less fortunate. Miss me. Cherish my memory. Long for my return and we will hook up in unholy bliss once again before you know it.

Oh, and cock punch someone on my behalf next week won't you?

I'll leave you with an American folk hymn:
Where oh where, is Leatherhands?
Why did he leave me here all alone?
I've searched the world over and thought I'd found true gloves.
He built a business and (fart sound)
he was gone...

Cock Punching of the Week

2007-07-26T22:01:00.000-04:00

Welcome to another Cock Punching of the Week- where a loser is selected from a long list of deserving targets and is swiftly and firmly Cock Punched via the electronic K-fist.

This week's recipient is none other than repeat child rapist, pedophile, innocent life destroyer and all-round sick human, Peter Whitmore. While an electronic genital assault is far from the just desserts for this fuck monkey (except maybe the cattle prod type), it is really all I have the power to offer.

So ladies and gentleman, put your legs together for the very evil...

Stock, Crock and Fish-in-a-Barrel

2007-07-24T14:53:00.000-04:00

Stockwell Day is a brillant man. Yup- ahhhh said it!!! Hes so smert that I say he quits politicks and runs fer presedent of the SMERT Club. Not only is he not banning hand gunz, becuz its freakin oblious that guns arn't the reazen that some 11 year old kid died last weekend, but he duzent beleive all that bullshitt abowt glow-ball warming. WTF is a glow-ball anywayz? I loves that guy!!!!!!!!

Jesiz, they grow some great brains - not just grains- out there in the west. huh? Yesir lawedy dawg. Yeehawwwww! (Bang bang!!!)

Cock Punching of the Week

2007-07-20T09:20:00.000-04:00

Hey kids- welcome to a fresh new joint on K-Dough. I'm rolling out the latest in thrilling much required improvements to Blogolia.

It's K-Dough's official Cock Punching of the Week- where a loser is selected from a long list of deserving targets and is swiftly and firmly Cock Punched via the electronic K-fist.

So without further delay, I give you the first in the line-up for humiliating genital pummelling...his Dark Lordness, Conrad "Poohs" Black!

Political Stereotypes

2007-07-19T09:30:00.000-04:00

This morning, as we discussed our experiences in drinking with politicos of differing stripes, a friend passed along an anecdote from the Hill in Ottawa. He mentioned that his friend, who worked as an EA to a Canadian Senator, espoused a typology that said: Tories get drunk, Liberals get laid and Dippers get stoned.

Priding myself on my ongoing earnest attempts at non-partisan (omni-partisan?) analysis of public policy and issues, dude's rubric puzzled me a bit. I asked "So, if these things are true, what does that make me?". He replied "It makes you an opened-minded guy who transcends party lines." "Thanks for the flattery", I said, "but, by extension, doesn't that just make me a drunken Philanderer who likes to get high once in a while?".

Hat tip to Otto V.

Stop The Big Media Takeover

2007-07-17T13:25:00.000-04:00

Increasingly, with the concentration of power in the hands of a few, our Canadian media is losing its diversity, regional/local relevance and editorial freedom. Recently, CTV had only just announced it was taking over City TV and the next day they had torn down any reference to CITY on the outside of its flagship, landmark Toronto building. Geezus.

The Canadian Media Guild is currently participating in a campaign to get Canadians to tell the CRTC to "Stop the Big Media Takeover." The CRTC will be holding a hearing in September to look at measures to ensure a "diversity of voices" in the country's media. It's important that the regulator hear from more than just industry lawyers. You can submit comments RIGHT HERE.

All comments must be sent to the CRTC by tomorrow, July 18. So, stop drooling on your keyboard, exercise your democratic right and click the freakin' link you sexy, socially-aware thangs, you.

Get in Line Ladies

2007-07-17T10:57:00.000-04:00

The latest StatsCan census data indicates that the odds of Canadian women finding a man are decreasing. The data says that women out-number men in Canada by a ratio of 100:96.

My thoughts: Finally, a wonky, demographic paid for by taxpayers that actually means something to me! Be patient in the queue though ladies: There is enough hot blooded K-nadian coiled and waiting right here for all of you!!!

Unlikely Words of Wisdom

2007-07-13T09:02:00.000-04:00

Today, I'm going to let Smenita- bless her squid-eating, extra-chromosomal soul - speak for me. Reading her post this morning, I realized the stars have aligned, for the first and probably last time in history, at a point where she is probably the only one who can succinctly, and in very plain language, express my sentiment on this F Day.

This one goes out to some very fucked up, ex-people that I thought I knew at some point in this absurd film-noir we drunkenly stumble through called life.
SMENITA ON RELATIONSHIPS

Some Girls Are Born Lucky

2007-07-12T16:01:00.000-04:00

This morning, I was forced to take the TTC to work, as my sweet hybrid street bike is currently in the shop being tuned up. So, I took the scenic route from St. George station, along the outskirts of Yorkville and down through the eye-candy filled, bountiful U of T campus.

During the Yorkville leg of the fabulous summer walk, as I tapped my faggy urban man purse to the beat of Dashboard Confessional's "Easy As Lovers Go" I had one of those prophetic city moments I've written about in the past. But contrary to the ultra-serious, James Burke-style Connections insight I usually experience, this one was pure fucking hilarity.

A very full-figured, super buxomy, tourist kind of chick, waddled toward me from a hotel exit. She was a vision of Lynch-esque beauty: Jammed into a way-too-small pair of kakhi safari shorts, waist pack awkwardly stretched sideways, with way too much sunscreen on her nose, a crumpled up map clutched in one hand and a donut in the other. I know what you are thinking: Hmm, seen that before K-Dough. Ok, here comes the kicker: To complete the cinematic wardrobe, Ms. Denny's 1992 wore a hot pink, stretched to the max t-shirt with the words "Some Girls Are Born Lucky" emblazoned in silvery lettering across the front of her ginormous (now a real word) boobs.

Those words were instantly captured by my brain, and within a millisecond had effortlessly completed about 4 billion synaptic laps. "Some Girls Are Born Lucky". I deconstructed the phrase, then reconstructed it in zillions of possible combinations. "Some Girls Are Born Lucky".

And then it hit me. In a moment of cynical brilliance, inspired by a heart tainted by years of miserable commuter angst, I murmured to myself, with a petulant grimace: "Sure "Some Girls Are Born Lucky...still, too bad for that unlucky model you had to eat to get the T-shirt".

Ahhhhhh. I slay me.

Black and White Stripes for Conrad

2007-07-11T09:21:00.000-04:00

A K-Dough Exclusive
Dateline: CHICAGO, July 11 (with files from BS)

A verdict in the fraud trial of former evil media dark lord Conrad Black is expected to be delivered today. An insider close to the defence team for Black has told K-Dough that, should Black be found guilty, the team will ask for leniency due to the emergence of an until recently unknown health condition, sudden onset claustrophobia. The defence is referring to the tactic as "the Hilton card". While prosecutors say they will push for the maximum sentence of 5,000 years to be spent in an operating deficit, the defence is confident that its Hilton loophole will work.

Paris Hilton, the infamous socialite, amateur porn princess and small dog enthusiast, could not be reached for comment, but a spokesperson said "Black? That is soooo not a colour Paris would ever wear to a sentencing. What? Who? Conrad Black? Oh. Well, I know she loves to blast that screamy song Back in Black when she is naked, driving her golf cart around the pool area and snorting blow off her midget's ass cheeks". It is rumoured that Barbara Amiel has already contacted Martha Stewart inquiring about her "fabulous" iron-file-in-the-cake recipe.

Pope Called It First

2007-07-10T13:01:00.000-04:00

Today, the Pope, in a brilliant display of pomposity and ignorance -- virtues held sacrosanct by the Vatican-- proclaimed the Catholic church the only true church, or as the Toronto Star put it "reasserted the universal primacy of the Roman Catholic Church".

On the heels of the news, several other groups around the world scrambled to proclaim themselves leaders of their domain: The Falun Gong have claimed the title "Slowest Moving Human Targets"; the Hare Krishnas are now recognized as the Smoothest, Orangest Mental Patients in the Great Milky Way; the Jehovah's Witnesses have snagged the "Most Depressed, Flattest-Nosed Cult" mantle; and the U.S. Republican Party has become "the Only True Purveyors of the Wisdom and Teachings of Adam Smith, Jesus Falwell and Jed Clampett".

In yet another related story, K-Dough of K-Dough's Canada has proclaimed himself the Sexiest, Most Excellent Omnipotent Ruler of Blogolia and All Outlying New Mediums and Vaginas.

Eat that, Pope Whatevvvvver.

Up In Smoke

2007-07-10T09:53:00.000-04:00

A supreme court appeal (which recently upheld tobacco advertising restrictions) had stopped cigarette companies from advertising in the few places they actually were allowed to while the appeal was being heard. But now big tobacco is free to advertise once again in adult establishments, publications and of course, on the Internet. Predictably, anti-smoking advocates are freaking the fuck out, saying that recent declines in teen smoking will be erased by a huge spike in hot teen ciggie mania, inspired by an impending tidal wave of e-advertising.

What a joke. Like the Internet has any power over youth. Next they'll be saying more beautiful Czech girls will be smoking dope and participating in facial, squirting and golden shower parties with ugly, beer-bellied eastern block mafia on video; or crazy teen-geeks will be dressing up like characters out of the Matrix and massacring innocent kids at school.

Give me a break you bleeding hearts and lungs. Cigarettes are good for you. Especially when you are young and beautiful. It's just another myth perpetrated by the man to rain on our smokey loogie-hocking parade. You know, like global warming, stupid.

Pot-belly Persecuting Pot-heads

2007-07-09T20:35:00.000-04:00

If you haven't heard, there is news today (HERE) that pot busts are up since Chretien's stoner bill died on the order paper a few years back. Yes, the men in blue are once again tickling the ideological prostates of the blue meanies on the hill in Ottawa.

It is ironic, though, that Harper doesn't support pot smokers, because he seems to have at least a few things in common with them. Both tend to spend inordinate amounts of time navel-gazing, eating junk food and eventually become emotionally disconnected with those closest to them.

What is this society coming to? All I know is next time you choose to blast a cap in the ass of some dude that dissed you in the parking lot at Burger King on Friday night, make sure you are not hauling off a big fattie while pulling the trigger -- you might actually have to spend some time in jail!

Peace out, yo.

I Want to Be Your Boyfriend

2007-07-06T14:30:00.000-04:00

So, you've probably heard that some loser, 70s never-been band from California is suing Avril Lavigne because they say she ripped off the chorus to her smash shit-hit Girlfriend from a tune they wrote in 1979. I guess you can't blame the geriatic bastards for trying to crack open Avril's treasure chest to pay for some long overdue PSA tests. Mmmmm, did I just say Avril's treasure chest? Delightful.

Annnnnnnnnyway, the kicker is that notorious song bitchtress Chantal Kreviazuk- who sold her integrity to the devil (and married him for that matter) - is now bad mouthing Avril to the music press and "suggesting" she ripped her off too.

I, for one, find it rich that Chantal and her money-grubbing sick chicken-voiced Prima Donna husband would use up that poor young girl and throw her away like she was some drunken bi-curious teen who had answered a Lavalife ad posted under "Adventurous Couples".

Poor Avril. I sense she may need comforting in the way only K can provide. Dump that little elf Wibbly sweetie and drop by this weekend with a gallon of lube, that little skirt thang and a note from your mother: K-Dough wants to be your boyfriend. Err, Daddy?

Happy F Day mofos, brofos, faux-mos and homos!!!

Life's a bitch - and then you marry...

2007-07-05T15:30:00.000-04:00

Ha ha ha ha ha ha (inward gasp)... but seriously folks. For quite some time now, I have wrestled with the question of returning to Blogolia: I put it in a half-nelson, and then it illegally elbowed me in the teeth - fucking so-called "mixed martial arts" has ruined all sense of decorum in hand-to-hand grappling with philosophical questions.

During my absence, I have been monitoring the output of political bloggers. Same old wonky kife. No sense of humour. No sense of context. No sense.

Thus, I have decided to return for the sole reason that Blogolia needs the K-Dough like a massive, puss-filled boil needs a hot needle; or a cat on a hot tin roof needs a bucket of cold jello; or a Republican needs his whiskey, shot gun, faux-teen porn site and Jesus alibi.

So, stay tuned for ensuing iconoclasm, bombasm and multiple laffgasm you insipid sonsabitches.

I'm back baby! Yeow. Rrrrawwrr.

K-Dough on Sabbatical

2007-03-06T08:45:00.000-05:00

Dear Blogomaniacs:

I regret to inform you that I will be taking a blogging break for an indefinite bit. I have no spare brain space for writing at this time due to some seriously fucking heavy personal shit I'm dealing with.

That said, I may from time to time drop a line, rhyme or simply chime-in. Assuming you give a shit, the best way to keep in touch with the latest is to subscribe to my Feedblitz service (by clicking HERE). It'll save you from my clicking back here in vain.

In parting for now, I just have these sweet words to leave you- my loyal love-sexies:

Rock me gently. Rock me slowly. Take it easy, don't you know; That I have never been loved like this before.
Love and open-mouth kisses, K

Update: BTW- feel free to keep in touch with me and each other via this thread, which I will leave open. By keeping the spirit alive....you'll be helping. :) K

Top 10 Reasons You Love Me

2007-03-02T08:01:00.000-05:00

I am the walrus- koo koo ka choo.
Inches baby, inches.
I am the divine reincarnation of Siddhartha.
Pity: Pure and simple.
Tattoos, legs of steel and an ass that just won't quit. And because I pay you.
Because I can drink your multiple amputee mother-in-law under the table. Wait- she usually is under the table to begin with. Nevermind.
Iconoclastic, Bombastic, Scholastic and Sexually Spastic.
Because you have a clinical mental illness that distorts your ability to make rational judgements.
They call me the Iguana...
40 million K-Dough Fans Can't Be Wrong!

Psst- Happy F Day sex kittens: I'm giddy cuz it's adding-to-the-tattoo-collection day today! Pain for pain. Mmmm. Wish me luck.

Top 10 Harper Budget Leaks

2007-03-01T13:05:00.000-05:00

...in advance of the upcoming faux-budget from minority government finance faker, pointy-faced little Jim 'Pot o Gold' Flaherty.

New 6% poverty tax. If you want to be lazy and poor you're gonna pay for the priviledge, you fucking leeches!
3 cents on every GST dollar to go to oil and gas R&D and production subsidies.
The Green Strategy: Subsidies for farmers to help reduce cattle flatulence so we can all breath cleaner air and reduce global warming.
$2 billion foreign aid package to the next US Republican presidential campaign.
43% reduction in Ontario transfer payments diverted to Quebec - just to teach McGuinty a lesson about "what happens tuh guys who knows too much".
$30 million towards a "Get Those Fucking Indians Out Of My Park" native relocation strategy.
Corporate welfare program for unemployed/incarcerated CEOs, including "Fresh Start", a new integration into politics program.
Tax rebates on golfing equipment, used pick up trucks, paramilitary family paint ball outings, hunting gear, game processing equipment and shot guns.
Upon submission of charitable donation receipt for support of heart association, the Ministry of Finance will send you a 40 oz Black Angus steak.
New "Be A Good Girl" tax credit for women who give birth to more than 5 children within a 6 year period and stay at home reading a bible and cooking.

Top 10 Social Revolutionary Terrorist Threats

2007-02-28T15:40:00.000-05:00

If they really wanted to hurt us and change the fabric of North America for the good of the world, don't you think they'd pay more attention to these iconic targets? Stupid terrorists.

Large-scale Playstation Two sabotage.
Hijacking Donald Trump's hair and flying it into the Hollywood sign.
Assasinating food empire overlords Ronald McDonald and the Burger King.
Oprah book list burnings.
Preventing Krispy Kreme from releasing its planned whole wheat donut.
Army of classically-trained Eastern bloc musicians armed takeover of American Idol set.
Lobotomize Britney, Lindsey, Paris and Olsen twins and program them to control teen girls everywhere with messages of their own worthlessness while draining their parents' bank accounts. Oops, wait. Task accomplished.
Abducting and brainwashing Barney the Dinosaur and Donny Osmond to become hateful, bloodthirsty beasts and harnessing their new evil purple powers for the cause.
Instil proper moral ideals by ousting Ellen DeGeneris in a Coup DeTit and installing a bearded, fatigued Castro lookalike lesbian in her place. No more cheezy fucking dancing for anyone!
Mass credit card theft, with the proceeds used to purchase SUVs, which are then packed full of designer clothes and overpriced running shoes and driven into bank machines in the middle of the night.

Top 10 Reasons the Leafs Suck

2007-02-27T15:30:00.000-05:00

Montreal Canadiens
40 Cupless Years - wait, that's 40 reasons.
Andrew Raycroft
Leafs 26th in league penalty kill
Out of playoff contention again
Montreal Canadiens 7th in conference: Leafs 10th.
Missing body parts: No heart, No guts, No Balls.
Montreal Canadiens 1st in league power play goals
40 More Cupless Years
Montreal Canadiens

Jesus of Oshawa

2007-02-26T12:07:00.000-05:00

A new documentary is asserting things about the life of Jesus that I have always suspected (READ). Bottom line is that J was basically a long haired dude with no job, who knocked up a hooker. Now if they could only prove that he smoked weed and listened to Zeppelin (we already know he loved Nazareth), my theory that his direct decendants are alive and well in Oshawa would be well-supported. Imagine what that would do to theological studies! Like, whoah, dude.

Top 10 Reasons For My Incoherency

2007-02-23T10:38:00.000-05:00

...today.

I've got a baby's brain and an old man's heart. Took 18 years to get this far. Don't always know what I'm talkin' about. Feels like I'm living in the middle of doubt, cuz I'm 18. I get confused everyday. 18, I just don't what to say. 18, I gotta get away.
Shiny... object... hovering... swaying... gleaming... metallic... swaying ... sleepy... swaying... shinnnnnnny... sway... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

My head was invaded by Courtney Love's prescription-hazed spirit as I slept last night and I am too preoccupied with my tits and lips to....mmmmm. What was I saying?

I thought the label said Gin but that's because the En, e and Fluid parts had peeled off.

I try to listen to the voices of my colleagues. I really do. But I can't. Know why? Because my HAIR GROWS WAY TOO FUCKING LOUDLY!!! Oh yeah, I know what you're thinking. To you it's quiet, immobile stubble. To me it's GIANT IRON CHAINS BEING PULLED ACROSS THE DECK OF A DESTROYER!!! And the chains don't stop, They NEVER stop.

I have a penis.

The pigeon I wrestled to the ground and ate raw in the bushes this morning did not agree with me.

I'm trying a new thing where I think the thoughts and you guess them through the computer. So...

How many human clown heads would it take to fill a Volkswagen Bug?

Duh, I wuzz bowern withowt that smert jean.

Top 10 Things I'd Like to Sing

2007-02-22T07:25:00.000-05:00

...to you girl.

I've got two pickles to paradise. Won't you pack your purse with dill and brine?
You're as cold as mice, you're willing to nibble, then crap on our love.
When I think about me I touch myself.
You're a heartbreaker, cake maker, couch raper doncha mess around with me.
You're like the wind, through my trees- oh wait, no leaves on this tree. Now wind just kinda tingles- especially after ummmm, pruning.
Girl you know it's true, ooh ooh ooh I love you (Well, I'm not singing it directly to you. First, I need to find me a skinny, braided, French black model man to stand in front of me - a Cyrano DeTupac as it were.)
The party's over- so get the fuck out. (more HERE )
Aishiteiru. Ne doshite- namida ga dechya irun daro.
I wish you'd shut up cuz I'm tryin' to sleep. (More HERE)
We had soy, we had buns, we had veggie burgers in the sun.

Ees Gonna Be A Messy One Lucy

2007-02-22T06:52:00.000-05:00

Ralph Goodale said this in the house yesterday after Stephen Harper loosely suggested Mississauga-Brampton South MP Navdeep Bains' family member was involved in the Air India investigation: "The Prime Minister has just confirmed that to him partisan advantage is everything, the truth does not matter, it is the allegation that counts. Never mind what the facts are in the final analysis."

GWyaB came to his li'l buddy Harper's defense, "Look, we don't negotiate with the turbanists. What's he got in there any ways? What's he hiding? WMDs?".

Britney Sucks Off a Moose

2007-02-21T07:11:00.000-05:00

The vag wasn't enough. The dangerous driving wasn't enough. The public disdain for the aesthetic smear of a carelessly displayed Caesarean scar wasn't enough. The Madonna faux-lesbo kiss wasn't enough. The divorce, rehabs and head shaving bullshit weren't enough.

Now what? A breakdown? Well, I guess fucking so.

This stuff happens to average people with no talent everyday. The trials and tribulations of the infinitely rich with no talent? Who the fuck cares. Get a life, world.

Top 10 Canadian Arse Lickers

2007-02-20T07:27:00.000-05:00

Hey if Mary Walsh (nice boobs, eh?) can do it, so can K-Dough.

Peter Mackay
Belinda Stronach (tongues ass of all stripes)
Howie Mandel (ever see those Boston Pizza commercials?)
John Tory (and the ass depends on the position he's running for)
David Emerson
Garth Turner
Wajid Khan
Ben Mulroney (chin-in-ass disease)
Stephen Harper (but only if it's a really tight American sphincter)
K-Dough (ok, so sometimes I get over zealous and lose my way while venturing past the V Sector)

Note- Ok, so I just realized I cacked out on 4 smart ass possibilities. So I want YOU to write the bracketorial ass/bun pun for Mackay, Emerson, Turner and Khan.

Top 10 Indications I've Been Drinking Too Much

2007-02-19T19:01:00.000-05:00

...lately.

My liver moved out, got its own apartment and isn't returning my calls. Fucking fair weather two-faced bastard organ!
Starting to find myself attracted to Celine Dionne and/or any chick with a head like a rat and the body of a coat rack in a sequined dress.
Woke up this morning with an aching neck wearing a giant black strap-on around my forehead and identations of nipples on my feet, with a baritone male voice singing gospel music from the shower.
yyyyou know wut? yerrr my beshht fuckkkkin friennnd in thuh hole fuckkkkkin werld you shhhtupid fukkkking sonama beetch...arrrrrrrrrrr!!!...(licks your forehead, musses up your hair and puts you in a headlock).
Parked the car in the living room last weekend- and neither the living room nor the car were mine.
Accepted invitation to go pheasant hunting with Dick Cheney.
Oh my God I woke up with a snake tatt... ok forget it... I can't even pretend to like that horrible goddamn song!
Puked in my boss' wife's purse while he was away in Arizona.
Ralph Klein's memoirs suddenly making sense to me.
My iPod only plays Dean Martin songs now.

Good Times

2007-02-17T08:46:00.000-05:00

Thanks to everyone who attended the somewhat grown up fun fest last night. No animals were seriously harmed in the making of my hangover. After I left you party kids I ended up boozingit up again with a rock star friend back in the hood, complete with complimentary 1:30 am shots of JD from our fave local bartender. Ach... It was great meeting you guys and now - finally - I can put a face to the smart asses.

A couple of points:

Apologies to Joanne, for the barrage of obscenities, crotch talk and infantile regaling of '80s road stories.
I have to say I was relieved that no one slapped Forever Blue, and that he managed not to mention Mike Harris even once.
Sheena and El Chaperone - her enigmatic driver: Can't wait for the photo spread! Re: The winelessness of our dining location: Thanks for sucking it up and sucking back the pints instead like a good slav Sheena! And thanks El Chaperone for being the Captain to Sheena's Tenille.
Leather: You really lived up to your pants last night dude. Loved 'em and you!
Homosuperior- I really wish you would stop staring at me like a love sick Japanese school girl with a lump in your skirt when we are in public like that. At first, I was flattered, but it's getting rather embarassing.

To those who stood us up: There will be an arduous penance to be performed before I will ever trust you with my delicate faith again. And be forewarned, that penance may or may not have something to do with a marathon session of sloppy, jaw-breaking oral sex...

So, whadyou think?

Top 10 Things I Love About Japan

2007-02-16T07:22:00.000-05:00

Unless you speak Nihongo, this may take some googling to get. But hey, I'm asserting blogetic licence because...I just feel like it. Banzai!

Rotenburo: Steaming onsen in winter, in the mountains.
Shoyu ramen on a cold, rainy night, a warm yukata and a flask of atsukan.
Yukiguni no sekai (Kawabata Yasunari)
Sato Ryosho Sensei (shinimashita), Nihonmatsu Shito Ryu Karatedo
Dreams Come True and Yoshida Miwa
Enka and mizuwari!!!
It's fucked up, but I miss the smell of musty tatami during the rainy season.
Yamadera
Ukiyo-e
Sakura/O-Hanami

Top 10 Reasons I Should Be PM

2007-02-15T07:00:00.000-05:00

One thing is for sure: I'd make that weak-livered pansy John A. look like a tea totaller. Vote K-Dough!

Canada-wide necktie ban in conjunction with amendment to the Charter of Rights and Freedoms stipulating the right of all workers- regardless of sex- to wear open-toed shoes and shorts to work.
Hefty tax rebates for hybrid vehicle and sex toy purchases.
Legalization of marijuana, polygamy, public nudity, public urination and public nuisance.
Would strong-arm CBC to fire Don Newman- replacing him with Mitsou Gelinas.
Phrase "Fuck you, you budgie-dicked mother fucker" woefully missing from current Question Period discourse.
Democratic reform: All difficult House of Commons debates will be settled shirtless in newly installed hot mud pit in the middle of the commons floor. My hope is that Belinda Stronach, Helena Guergis, Ruby Dhalla and Rona Ambrose will disagree often. My fear is that Garth Turner and Chuck Strahl will disagree often.
Increase arts subsidies to hardcore metal bands, CanCon porn sites and Suicide Girls Pillow Fight bouts.
New foreign policy framework called Fuck America.
Lower immigration barriers for blonde Scandinavian women and sign reciprocal citizenship agreement with the Turks and Caicos, where the government will set up National Nude Beach Volleyball Training Centre and Spa.
Free vote in the house on banning opposite sex marriage.

Top 10 80s Films

2007-02-14T16:30:00.000-05:00

Simply my faves. No Breakfast Club. No Pretty in Pink. In fact, this list is 100% Molly Ringworm-free!!!

Videodrome (Deborah Harry, James Woods, Sonja Smits)
Dune (Kyle MacLachlan, Francesca Annis, Virginia Madsen, Sting)
Brain Storm (Christopher Walken, Louise Fletcher, Natalie Wood)
Brazil (Jonathan Pryce, Michael Palin, Robert DeNiro)
Salvador (James Woods, Jim Belushi)
Vampire's Kiss (Nicolas Cage, Maria Conchita Alonso, Jennifer Beals)
Barfly (Mickey Rourke, Faye Dunaway)
Homeboy (Mickey Rourke, Christopher Walken)
Less Than Zero (Robert Downey Jr., Jamie Gertz, Andrew McCarthy)
Blue Velvet (Kyle MacLachlan, Isabella Rossellini, Dennis Hopper)

Top 10 Signs God Doesn't Exist

2007-02-13T15:30:00.000-05:00

American/Canadian Idol being allowed to democratize the music industry so that now, a brain-damaged, shaved kitten with fake human tits can achieve international fame for 17 seconds, while real artists die in cardboard boxes in filthy alleys in pools of their own urine every 17 seconds.
War, disease, pestilence, property taxes, urethra swabs: injustice in general.
2 terms of the dim prince, GWB.
Centuries worth of mail pollute the unkempt lawn of the house he claims to live in. Plus, I checked with the electric company- no service to that location.
I have never had sex with Mitsou Gelinas.
Karla Homolka Gives Birth!
Phrase "Oh my God!" during sex recently replaced by "Over to the right. Ok, that's not the right I was talking about. Are you listening to me? Oh, never mind. I'll do it myself. You finish up and go watch the UFC. Huh? You are finished? I didn't even know it was in."
Someone posing as "GOD" messaged me on Myspace saying he would meet me at Lee's Palace on Friday night. I stayed forever, listening to one shitty fucking '80s rip-off band after another. All the kids thought I was some 30-something perverted loser. When I got home, my Myspace page was hacked and someone was sending out porn site bulletins from my profile! Fuckin' GOD!
Justin Timberlake - the archangel messiah- is moon-walking the earth and thriving amongst us.
To this day, XTC has never received a reply.

Top 10 Reasons I Had To Give Up Stripping

2007-02-12T07:15:00.000-05:00

My hydraulic X-Wing penis mount got too close to my dancing partner's home-made gas powered light sabre dildo and the explosion set our animatronic Well-Hung Wookie ablaze.
The fetish-for-4-feet-tall-bald-squat-Eurasian-she-males-dressed-as-sumo-clowns market completely dried up after the whole Gomery thing happened.
My addiction to suppositories and resulting weak sphincter musculature was really starting to have a disastrous effect on my lap dance revenues.
Three words: Family Court Order.
Club owner ordered me to remove my hemmorhoidal piercing and I refused. Power to the ass grapes people!
I developed a growth on my left ass cheek that resembled Oprah, and none of my clientelle could ever stomach my patented Reverse Trapeze Sack Swing ever again.
I lost faith in the intregity of my vocation upon finding out that Demi Moore - my mentor - was dating That Idiot from That 70s Show.
I developed a severe case of stage fright, forcing me to wear a hockey helmet, oven mitts, goalie pads and steel-toed work boots (but nothing in the middle!) every time I performed for fear of incurring further head injuries from fainting.
I became a born again God-fearing Republican. Wait- no that was why I started. Never mind.
My Pink Ninja Turtle of the Night routine went to hell, when the head filed a union grievance and refused to continue popping out of the shell-like cod piece.

CFNY the Edge Airs Anti-Abortion Ads

2007-02-09T19:45:00.000-05:00

So, last night, I was listening to CFNY FM 102.1 The Edge - a Toronto radio station- and in the middle of all the so-called "cool alternative kids music" I hear a 15 second anti-abortion ad spot from a group called Niagara Region Right To Life*. It went something like this:

When they say that abortion is a matter between a woman and her doctor, aren’t they forgetting someone? I did….abortion harms more than just the baby.

The Edge has always billed themselves as being the voice of cool- the hip, new, left-of-centre rad Indie supporting station with integrity. What this confirms to me is The Edge is nothing more than a blunt fuckin' grapefruit spoon.

To anyone out there in an advertising or marketing position with a company that advertises on the Edge: You should reconsider giving them your business. The Edge is not what you think it is. They are allowing people to broadcast messages that blatantly disrespect a woman's right to have control over her own body. Plain and simple. A woman's right to choose is inalienable- it's her body, not that of some right wing, religious zealot Niagara nutcase.

Boycott the Edge! Others have been successful at having the same ads pulled in Hamilton- check THIS out. Contact the Edge via their contacts page HERE and complain!

*Checked them out. They do not have a web site, but THESE nutters seem to be behind the campaign to get the ads back on the air in Hamilton. Stop them by contacting Y108 HERE and letting them know what you think!

Update: Both Y108 and the Edge are owned by Corus Entertainment. I'm sure they'd love to hear from you as well! Contact them HERE.

Top 10 Reasons I'm Going Straight To Hell

2007-02-08T18:02:00.000-05:00

Masturbated in church. Well, not really in a church per se, but on Church Street in the public washroom at Tim Horton's. Every day for 6 years.
On a dare, tore the label off a mattress without buying it.
Got really drunk and puked on St. Peter's dress at a film festival schmooze thing at Holt Renfrew on Bloor Street, 2001.
When I was 16, thought it was really funny to get a giant 666 - The Number of the Cheek tattooed on my ass. God wasn't laughing.
5 words: Official Manson Fan Club Member.
Don't wear underwear some times.
If you don't know by now, you are ridiculously naive and you haven't read this blog's archives or heard about my infamous sexploits. Which reminds me, would you like to get together for a drink some time?
Played ball hockey with Anton Lavey for a whole season, after which, we often went out for wings and beer together or to the Zanzibar.
Our wedding song was Ozzy's Mr. Crowley and instead of having a wedding cake we sacrificed a virgin pig, which we later ate raw in an orgastic trance, naked and covered in blood and chocolate pudding.
Sex, drugs and rock 'n roll baby!

Oshawa's Gift of Culture

2007-02-08T13:47:00.000-05:00

Holy christ kids. For a while now, I've been telling you all about the cultural hell hole I grew up in- the Shwa. Yep- the Shwa- Canada's retarded version of Detroit. In case you needed further proof of my Kid Rock-like crude beginnnings, read THIS before going any further! ... Ok, now come back.

This is the best part: "It was a really dingy place. I've been trying to spruce it up," he (the pool hall owner) says, pointing to a new bar, fresh drywall and photos of recent wet T-shirt contests."

What did he say? Sprucing the place up by replacing those pictures of old wet T-shirt contests with pictures of recent wet T-shirt contests? Bwahahahaha!!!

But it gets better: (Now) he offers live music and DJs playing rock 'n' roll and he's even introduced oil wrestling to the entertainment lineup. "The place has gotten much, much better," he states proudly.

And the kicker to all this will be when somehow- even without welfare cheques and General Motors- Oshawa, like the cockroach of a city it is, will crawl back out of the sewers after Armagaeddon. Future visitors from other planets will discover the descendants of the regulars from that pool hall and think "Damn- we thought we had finally discovered intelligent life-forms!"

Many thanks to Otto van Karajanstein over at The Transcontinental for rubbing my nose in this pile of cultural offal.

Top 10 Reasons I'm Going to Boot You in the Nuts...

2007-02-07T15:06:00.000-05:00

...the next time I see you.

Because I can't stand the way you constantly whistle. What the fuck? No one is that happy.
Because you voted for John Baird, you damned Ne-peon.
Because Jesus came to me as I slept last night, sprinkled magical heaven dust stuff on my open slobbering mouth, gave me a homoerotic massage and whispered very specific evil nut-attacking orders into my stupefied ear. Oh, and I am susceptible to such coercion because I am an undead Jesus zombie, whose skull was opened one night and whose brain was replaced with a nerf football and a cup full of Aunt Jemima syrup. Mmmm...
Because you stole my Eggo.
Because the night...belongs to lovers.
Because God was cruel and already removed the shaft. I'll really just be saving you from ironic redundancy.
Because my school science project mandates that I discover whether or not my foot can generate the velocity required to make your testes look exactly like bald, pink baby hamsters after the shoe box they live in is (accidentally) run over by a drunk Portuguese guy in a rusted-out Z-28.
Because...I can.
Because you plied my pet goat with a bucket of kahlua and milk, took him out to a stock car race (that he naively enjoyed by the way) and then casually date-raped him in the back of your station wagon on the way home as he puked. You sick fucker.
Because Kurt Cobain is dead and I can't take repressing my overwhelming grief any longer! You are just the unfortunate recipient of my act of healing. But thanks for helping.

Top 25 Canadian Rock Songs

2007-02-06T13:30:00.000-05:00

Ok, off the top of my head, I just had to pull this one out of my ass because it was loitering on the tip of my tongue. It was sitting there in the background, glistening like a shiny golden fruit, ready to be plucked from the bendy jello-laden tree of creativity. No Can-Con bullshit in this list baby, just pure platinum pleasure that can never be bound by borders.

Spirit of Radio - Rush
Born to be Wild - Steppenwolf
Roller - April Wine
American Woman - Guess Who
Locked in the Trunk of A Car- Tragically Hip
Fat Lip - Sum 41
Money City Maniacs - Sloan
Hello Time Bomb - Matthew Good
Lay It On The Line - Triumph
Red - Treble Charger
Takin' Care of Business- Bachman-Turner Overdrive
The Weight- The Band
This Could Be Anywhere in the World - Alexisonfire
Snortin' Whiskey - Pat Travers
Rockin' In the Free World - Neil Young
Lager and Ale - Kim Mitchell
Is Anybody Home? - Our Lady Peace
No Justice - Harem Scarem
Summer of '69 - Bryan Adams
Let's Tango - Dalbello
Roxy Roller- Sweeney Todd
Highschool Confidential- Rough Trade
Black Velvet - Alannah Myles
I'm an Adult Now - Pursuit of Hapiness
Lunatic Fringe- Red Rider

Top 15 Canadian 80's Treasures

2007-02-05T16:05:00.000-05:00

Nothing tickling my creative prostate today. So again, my loyal slaves, you will be forced to endure the misery of another in my increasingly numerous top list thingeys. Don't like it? Write a letter to someone, scream at a colleague for no reason, pee your pants or self-mutilate.
I don't care*.

*Actually, I am employing care in an ironic sense here. If you actually self-mutilated over something like willingly reading a Top Ten list on the magical InterWeb(tm), I would probably laugh, then publicly scoff at your stupidity. Then, of course, the realization would hit me that I might have been responsible for leading an exceedingly stupid person to hurt themself and would do what any sensitive blogger would do- call my lawyer.

** While I realize that Kraft Dinner overtly has nothing to do with the 80s per se, it has deep personal significance to K-Dough's 80s experience. I subsisted on it for more than half of that decade. Of course, there were occassional additions of tuna, wieners, ground beef, veggies and even seafood.

Top 10 Canadian Slapstick Political Quotes

2007-02-03T08:15:00.000-05:00

Politicians definitely spend a lot of time messaging us to death, blowing hot air out of their asses and attacking each other. But rarely do they say things that reach the soaring heights of stupidity, controversy or just plain political uncorrectness that the following attained. Enjoy.

Jean Chretien: (On the justification the U.S. used for invading Iraq) "No, a proof is a proof. What kind of a proof? It's a proof. A proof is a proof, and when you have a good proof, it's because it's proven."
Ralph Klein: (On Belinda Stronach's defection to the Liberals) "I wasn't surprised she crossed over. I don't think she ever had a Conservative bone in her body -- well, except for one."
Jean Chretien: "I don't know what is marijuana. Perhaps I will try it when it will no longer be criminal. I will have my money for my fine and a joint in the other hand."
Pierre Trudeau: "Some things I never learned to like. I didn't like to kiss babies, though I didn't mind kissing their mothers."
Jacques Parizeau: (On the separatist defeat in the '95 referendum) "C'est vrai, c'est vrai qu'on a été battus, au fond, par quoi? Par l'argent puis du vote ethnique, essentiellement." (Trans: It is true, it is true that we were beaten, but in the end, by what? By money and ethnic votes, essentially.)
Stephen Harper: "I don't know all the facts on Iraq, but I think we should work closely with the Americans."
Mel Lastman, former Tornoto Mayor: (Just before getting on a flight to Kenya to support Toronto's bid for the 2008 Olympic Games) "What the hell do I want to go to a place like Mombasa? ... I'm sort of scared about going there ... I just see myself in a pot of boiling water with all these natives dancing around me."
Ontario MPP, Bob Runciman: (On Belinda Stronach's defection to the Liberals) "She sort of defined herself as something of a dipstick, an attractive one, but still a dipstick, with what she's done here today. She is, at the end of the day, going to paint herself as something of a joke."
Peter MacKay: "Something else I've learned about Secretary Rice is she loves the cool Atlantic breezes here in Nova Scotia, and she left the window open last night."
Stockwell Day: "I am more convinced than ever that a lively two party system is essential to our democracy."

Honourable mention: Did he or didn't he? Mike Harris, former Ontario Premier: (Harris' own Attorney General Charles Harnick testified to this statement during the Ipperwash Inquiry looking into the shooting death of Dudley George by the provincial police): "I want the fuckin' Indians out of the park." To be fair, Harris denied saying it.

Top Ten Canadian Mullet Fostering Bands

2007-02-01T14:28:00.000-05:00

Now if this isn't an obvious topic, I don't know what is. Growing up in Oshawa (aka the Shwa), the cultural crotch of Ontario at the time, I am over-qualified to write this list. And so, with a quick sign of the devil, a shot of JD and a pen knife to the gut of the goof who was lookin' at my old lady's tits, here it comes - raise a little hair y'all!:

Trooper
Kim Mitchell/Max Webster
April Wine
Chilliwack
Steppenwolf
Head Pins (Did Darby Mills sport the first giant Canadian female mullet?)
Brighton Rock
Loverboy
Triumph
Helix

Who Needed Playboy?

2007-02-01T07:08:00.000-05:00

If I had've known about THIS as a pubescent boy, I would have grown my own and never left the house. In fact, my life probably would have turned out completely differently...

Top 15 Worst Canadian TV Productions

2007-01-31T14:02:00.000-05:00

The speculation ran rampant and wild yesterday on the contents of this highly anticipated list. Now, you can all finally get some much needed sleep and relieve yourselves in what ever manner you see fit. Fly free sweet blogaholics and let the juices of hapiness flow like wine!

And now, on to the list. There have been so many absolutely fucking retarded Canadian TV shows that this was a not an easy task. In fact, I lengthened the list- only for today- to a whopping 15 so-called productions. And without further nose and ass holding, here they are...

Top 15 Worst Canadian TV Productions

In Defense of Kinsella

2007-01-31T09:02:00.000-05:00

This week a few knee-jerks are calling Warren Kinsella a mysogynist sexist pig. Why? for writing this simple sentence, prefacing a top ten blogger list:
Oh, and memo to Canada: WE NEED MORE SMART FEMALE BLOGGERS NOW!
(Click HERE to read the post- click on "Top Ten", then "Bloggers")

So what? Maybe he thinks most of the female political bloggers he's read suck - and not in the good way. Whatever he thinks - because it was an off-the-cuff comment, not a hateful treatise- it's his opinion. I happen to think most political bloggers in general suck the hind teat. Does that make me anti-free speech?

You detractors should really get lives. If Kinsella took a dump and it looked like Bin Laden, jealous bloggers would be calling him a terrorist. Get a grip monkey people. This lobbing your own shit at the bars of your cages is getting reallllllly old.

The guy is well-known for whatever reason. Get over it.

Top Ten Classic Canadian TV Productions

2007-01-30T21:11:00.000-05:00

Top Ten Classic Canadian TV Productions:

Rick Mercer's Talking to Americans
The Kids in the Hall
SCTV
City Limits (all night weekend video show that launched Wayne's World)
Hockey Night in Canada!
Trailer Park Boys
The New Music with JD Roberts and Jeannie Becker
The Tom Green Show
Tales of the Riverbank
Bizarre

Tune in tomorrow for my list of the worst!

Top Ten Sexiest Canadian Women

2007-01-29T09:57:00.000-05:00

Instead of posting today on the self-destructive attack ads the federal conservatives are currently airing and how the party has become its own undoing, I am going to a much better, warmer place in my mind - and it ain't Carolina baby.

Here now is my list of the Top Ten Sexiest Canadian Women , just off the top of my pants:

Avril Lavigne
Chantal Kreviazuk
Mitsou Gelinas
Kathryn Humphreys (City TV Toronto sports reporter)
Shannon Tweed (She's a Newfie!)
Sarah McLachlan
Lisa Rani Ray (star of Bollywood Hollywood)
Wendy Mesley
Josee Chouinard
Shania Twain

Top Ten '80s Euro-Metal Records

2007-01-29T08:00:00.000-05:00

And now, the next in my series of completely selfish, pointless lists of metallic memories. These are examples of virtuoso-level Euro melodic metal goodness. Anyone with an appreciation of the difficulty in perfoming acrobatic musicianship will definitely appreciate these masterpieces. These are some of the fucking heaviest guitar and vocal records of all time to me. If you haven't heard 'em you really should!

Alcatrazz - No Parole From Rock 'n Roll
Gary Moore - Dirty Fingers
Michael Schenker Group - Assault Attack
Ronnie James Dio - Last in Line
Rainbow- Straight Between The Eyes
Yngwie Malmsteen - Marching Out
Scorpions - Blackout
Ozzy Osbourne - Diary of a Madman
Michael Schenker Group- Built to Destroy
Alcatrazz - Disturbing the Peace

Top 10 Early '80s Metal Records

2007-01-26T15:26:00.000-05:00

While I realize that most of you could not give a flying rat's ass fuck about this, I am posting it because I can, for posterity's sake. I thought the random Googlers out there might want to read my list of the Top 10 Early '80s Metal Records that I own and cherish. I could not live without these energetic babies.

Without further ado, here they are in random order:

1. Tank - Filth Hounds of Hades
2. Iron Maiden - Killers
3. Judas Priest - Point of Entry
4. Saxon - Denim and Leather
5. Tygers of Pan Tang - Spellbound
6. Motorhead - Ace of Spades
7. Anvil- Metal on Metal
8. Accept- Balls To The Wall
9. Iron Maiden - Number of the Beast
10. Raven - All For One

Donate to the Blog Bank

2007-01-26T07:35:00.000-05:00

Happy F-Day, you engorged sexified mofos.

I am soliciting ideas for posts. Lately, (today) I've really been getting bored of the same ole political shite. That's not to say I'm going to stop e-scribbling on political issues, but I feel like I need to freshen things up from time to time.

That's where y'all come in. I am asking you - the window licking public- to send me your ideas/requests for Top Ten Lists and Totally Fake Interview subjects. The thing to remember is that there has to be a Canadian angle to your brilliant request.

So c'mon, let's get all live and interactive and shit. But remember, no kissing on the lips and always wear a condom. I'm wearing one right now, because it's too cold to ride my bike to work today and, well, you just never know what's gonna happen on the TTC. They don't call it theRed Rocket for nothing!

Shameless Name Dropping and Sex Talk

2007-01-25T11:25:00.000-05:00

So, I'm having drinks and dinner last night on College Street with my TV personality-feminist-social activist-lawyer-friend and we are getting a sweet buzz and talking really loudly about the sexualization of teen women, trash culture, mass media, blow jobs and such and I look to the table next to us and who is sitting there talking about orgasms (I think) a lot quieter than we are? Ex-Much VJ and star of sexually-explicit, critics fave film Shortbus, Sook Yin-Lee. How a propos.

Have I mentioned that I love my city?

Protect Oil/Clean Air?

2007-01-25T11:06:00.000-05:00

The Canadian Press is reporting that Stephen Harper says Canada is going to impose tougher emissions standards on the auto sector, but won't follow the U.S. in setting hard targets for reducing oil consumption.

What a funny little green strategy Harpo has concocted. Albertans claim the NEP alienated their province in the '70s, and now Harpo and his merry band of idiots are going to alienate the entire REST OF THE COUNTRY that they claim they want to govern on the doorstep of an impending election. Huh.

Personally, I think they've got an OPPOSITION fetish. It's been a while guys, but don't worry- you'll be back there soon enough!

My 5 Best Qualities of a Modern Canadian Man

2007-01-24T22:09:00.000-05:00

Just so you didn't think I was bullshitting you yesterday, here is my list of the qualities that I think Canadian** men should strive to improve- always and forever. To me, there is no static state of perfection or achievement. As much as we achieve as humans in one aspect of our lives, we also fall backward or stagnate in some other aspect. That said, I have to say that this list applies to women as well.

Compassion- Striving to understand where others are coming from and adjusting our ears, hearts, opinions and fists accordingly: Their contexts, their feelings, their histories, their biases are just as important as our own. Most conflict arises from not respecting this point.

Intelligence- Pursuing higher learning on any level in life. Whether it is in a trade, an art, a philosophy, a humanistic pursuit, a domestic responsibility, etc. Also, we should spread that knowledge with an open mind. Teaching is just as important as learning and teachers must constantly learn from those they teach.

Balance- Respecting that our lives can and should be augmented by a breadth of interests and pursuits. At the same time, recognizing that focus on only one or a few of those potentials is limiting and makes us shallow and stupid. On the other end of the spectrum, spreading our lives too thin among competing priorities also makes us shallow and stupid. Above all, balancing worldly responsibilities and frivolous (but necessary) distractions with the needs of our souls and the needs of the souls closest to ours is balance.

Judicious Discretion - Using power judiciously. Understanding that if by supporting the rights of one we take from another and they suffer, that injustice needs to be addressed or ameliorated at any cost. Killing only if need be in self-defence or in direct defense of others' lives. Spending and conserving wisely.

Communicative Openness- Taking time in life to reflect on, identify and understand one's inner self. Openly expressing our feelings and philosophies to others without fear of vulnerability. Admitting our vulnerability makes us strong.

**I say Canadian because this is where I live and is the culture I am most familiar with. Why do I think these should be Canadian qualities per se? Only because they reflect the kind of society we have built here in a traditionally fairly liberal, relatively socially-conscious state. Of course, this is all just my opinion.

Note: For those of you who aren't sure how this works. Once you are tagged you may participate by writing a post on this topic and linking back to the permalink for this original post in your piece. Then you should "tag" 5 others with the responsibility of continuing the meme onward. As long as you include a link to my post in yours I will be able to track all of the action and do a wrap-up post in a couple of weeks summarizing the best posts and some demographic data.

Now I am officially tagging 5 more bloggers:
Scott Tribe
Red Jenny
Polly Jones
A Little Thought at Just Society
KevvyD at Blevkog

5 Best Qualities of a Modern Canadian Man

2007-01-23T20:17:00.000-05:00

I am issuing a meme/theme post challenge to all Progressive Bloggers out there. I think it's important that we attempt to discuss: 5 Best Qualities of a Modern Canadian Man

The idea behind this is to reflect on the ideal of the modern (post-post-modern?) Canadian man in relation to the old school, traditional one. Where are we going as a gender? Are we on the right path? What baggage do we need to ditch and what qualities should we be aspiring to?

Is there are an archetypical modern Canadian man you would point to who exemplifies the best of what the gender has to offer the world, country, community and family? Alternatively, do you feel this exercise merely objectifies men as a gender? Should we be talking about the modern Canadian 'person' instead of dividing the sexes?

I would love to see what you diverse blogaholics think about this subject, because I really believe we don't talk about it enough (at all?). Hopefully, we can try to focus on this in a fairly non-partisan way- though I'm sure everyone's ideas will be coloured by their own political, religious, cultural and socio-economic views.

Give it a shot and let me know if you did... I will write my inaugural post tomorrow.

Just to get things rolling, I will pick a few bloggers to tag with the burden.They in turn will tag others and so on... Here's my list:
ChuckerCanuck
KarmaCake
Joanne
Joe Calgary
Romana King

Please help pass the word on!

A True Red, White and Blue Canadien

2007-01-22T11:01:00.000-05:00

Last night, I celebrated the miserable, phlegmy bug that has overtaken my head, neck, chest, skull and sinus area by curling up under a duvet, doing shots of Nyquil and watching The Rocket- the bio-pic on French-Canadian hockey legend Maurice Richard.

While there were some serious low budget moments and the story seemed to be frozen on game highlights moments at times, the film did do justice to Richard and his time, in many senses. It depicted Richard as a complex, proud and broody man. His skill and power on the ice contrasted his strong, quiet traditional Canadien Francais disposition. Most importantly it showed the dark, discriminatory and crooked side of the NHL during the years when it was overseen by Clarence Campbell and other blatantly bigotted Anglo-Saxons.

Richard's campaign against the discrimination faced by French-Canadian players from referees, league and teams officials meshed well with Quebec's own historic struggle during and after the Duplessis years to find it's own identity within Canada. Hockey fans and Canadian history fans alike should check this film out. It is essential to learning something about the French-Canadian view that may be missing from an Anglo-Canadian understanding of the NHL's history.

In the end, my night couldn't have turned out more perfectly. When I checked the Saturday NHL scores all was as it should be: The glorious Habs beat Buffalo - the team who was until last night's results in first place in the league - 4-3; and the listing Leafs - currently 20th in the league- were brutally spanked by the 17th place Penguins 8-2. It all made me feel very good.

Vives les tri-colores!

Update: Sorry my little dancing Kleenex faeries, but I am reposting this today. I am still fucking SICK and don't have the energy even to nose drool on the keyboard. Blech!

Is the CBC Anti-Palestinian?

2007-01-19T10:06:00.000-05:00

Have you checked out any of the nonsense going on in Toronto surrounding a failed motion before the local branch of the Ontario Secondary School Teachers' Federation? A Jewish teacher named Jason Kunin "who has often criticized the Israeli government"* drafted a motion that would have condemned Israel's treatment of Palestinians and called for classroom materials to be developed to support such a condemnation. Basically, it was a promo gimmick to air his views and attract attention using the union as a mouth piece. Whatever. Vote it down (which membership overwhelmingly did) and move on, right?

What pisses me off is that any time someone criticizes Israel they are immediately labelled anti-Israel or anti-Semitic even. Lighten the fuck up you PC knee-jerk-offs. The CBC's headline speaks volumes about the bias in our society: Anti-Israel motion defeated by Ontario teachers union local. Radio station CFRA posted this headline on their web site: Union Rejects 'Anti Israel' Motion, and the Canadian Press wrote this: Teacher's anti-Israel resolution angers many.

I haven't actually read the entire motion, but from what the CBC itself reported there was no overt anti-Israelism or hateful view being expressed. Even the union head said it was legitimate subject for debate.

You know, it is possible to oppose policy without being hateful. This is dangerous. It's the same bullshit American "support the war or you're not supporting the troops" crap that is constantly thrown around south of the border. Aren't we a little more intelligent than that?

You can check out details of Kunin's view's HERE.

*Source: CBC.ca

Stevie Green Speaks Out

2007-01-18T10:02:00.000-05:00

In a candid and exclusive (completely fabricated) interview with Stephen Harper on the occassion of the anniversary of his government's one year mandate-lite, K-Dough asked some probing Tiger Beat style questions of the Prince of Dullness. Here is what our PM had to say (I'm lying):

K-Dough: Mr. Harper, what's your favourite band?
Harper: Green Day. Hands down.
K-Dough: Wow. I have to say that's a little surprising to me, since they are pretty much anti-Bush and you are obviously a raving Bush ass and bag sucker. But whatever, that's cool man. Ok, what's your favourite thing to eat on a cold wintry day?
Harper: Green split-pea soup.
K-Dough: Nice. What about super heroes?
Harper: Golly gee, that's a toss up between the Green Lantern and The Incredible Hulk.
K-Dough: Hm, ok. I'm sensing a pattern here. And on we go: What was your favourite '60s show?
Harper: Green Acres. I loved that cute green pig.
K-Dough: Um, I believe the pig was a natural rosey pink colour sir.
Harper: Oh, right you are. I was thinking of ...uh... Green Green Grass of Home.
K-Dough: Uhhh huh. That's an American traditional song. (Getting impatient) Alright, let's just skip that one. What's your favourite colour?
Harper: Easy! Blu...er, (aide frantically waves cue card), why it's green, of course. You media guys are always trying to trick me aren't you? Must be because you are so fond of me. (Chuckles self-righteously. Bloated pale pop belly wiggles)
K-Dough: Look, are you ok dude? You are starting to sweat a lot.
Harper: Yes, of course. Please continue...
K-Dough: Alllllright, but I hafta say, you are really starting to fucking freak me out a bit Steve. Anything else you want to add to your, um, favourites list?
Harper: Yes, as a matter of fact, there are a few things. Let me see. (Takes out piece of paper from breast pocket) Ok, my favourite football team is the Green Bay Packers.
My favourite book is Green Eggs and Ham. My favourite holiday is St. Patrick's Day when they make the green pop. My favourite place is Greenland...my fav...
K-Dough: (Interrupting) Alright, enough of the cheap messaging bullshit. What's your favourite sexual position Mr. Prime Minister?
Harper: (Silence) Ummmmmmmm. You know, that's a good question. Let me see now. Ok, I've got it. Being on top, with the Green Party on the bottom.
K-Dough: No sir. I'm not talking about fucking people in politics. I'm talking base carnal pleasures. You know, blow jobs, intercourse, facials, golden showers, ass play, BDSM, girl on girl, boy on boy, boy on goat, ditch licking, feltching, reach arounds: stuff like that.
Harper: Ohhhhhhh, I see. (Nervously plays with neck tie. Pleadingly looks at aide, who merely shrugs and nods towards K-Dough) Did I already say Green Day? The Great Gazoo? Red Green?
K-Dough: Ok, look: you can save your cheap "appeal to the kids" pop culture references for Strombo and the CBC. If you really want to appeal to kids, you'll stop shaking their hands, step down and let someone with some real people appeal lead your about-to-be-kicked-in-the-balls party. Green my ass, Steve. Your green plan is the intellectual equivalent of all those idiot blond chicks who went out and bought accessory arm dogs just because Paris had one. This inteview is over. Fuck you very much jackass.

(K-Dough rips off microphone, stomps out of room into arms of waiting bikini babes and idling limo. Harper and aide shrug and hug.)

Harper (to aide): Wow, that guy really takes this stuff seriously huh? What a radical. Any way, whaddya say we fire up the SUV, run by Mickey D's and pick us up some of them sweet green milkshakes? Oh wait, are they making them yet? I'm not sure .... (SUV speeds off into the smog-filled distance)

It's Not Easy Being Green

2007-01-17T16:03:00.000-05:00

Our federal parties are fumbling frenetically with environmental policy like boner-sportin' 15 year olds in the dark with bra straps; and the boobs in the bra represent plump, silky votes in the upcoming election. Ever since a few weeks ago, when the national media somehow decided environmental issues were at the top of every lobotomized trans-fat gorfing, video game coveting Canadian's concerns list, we've seen at least 99 green balloons floated up into the smog-buttered skies of federal policy.

Let's just sit back and enjoy the absurdly-spun bullshit we'll be hearing from all parties over the next couple of months. I can see the future headlines now:

Harper says Green Economy Not Enough: Need Green Money
Dion says Green Money Comments Sign of Increasing Americanization
Layton/Lesbian Autoworker Association Launch Green Coveralls Campaign

And by the way, newly deputized nut bar federal environment minister John Baird is scheduled to be in Regina this week for a party fundraiser. I tell ya, I had to read that one twice. I'm sure it really icks him out to be in, around or near any kind of 'gina. I'm guessing he is definitely green when it comes to that. But when it comes to the environment, the only thing green about Baird is the bile he is saving up to spew at Dion over the next while.

Ah Rona, how we miss you and your steely-jawed sexy but not-too-smart approach. Looking at and listening to Snivelling Gopher-Cheeked Rodent Man hyper-blather like he's taken one too many of the 'blue' pills is just not as, well...stimulating.

Quebeckers Love Doze Raceests

2007-01-16T21:53:00.000-05:00

Amidst the current hooplah about whether or not Quebec contains a racist province within a province, I thought I'd ask my buddy Pierre Tremblay to comment on the controversy. Here is a transcript of a phone conversation I had with him last night, although sections are inaudible because he was yelling into his cell phone from the DJ booth at Club SuperPussy in Kirkland Lake.

Tremblay: Allo? Allo? Oo ees it? (blaring music breaking up in background faintly discernible as Helix's Rock You)
K-D: Hey dude. Sorry to bother you at work, but did ya hear about that insane Dumont guy today and the Leger poll?
Tremblay: Pole? Huh? You dat guy ooze gonna come replace dat pole dat biker dented hier soir?
K-D: Dude, (yelling) it's K-Dough!
Tremblay: Ahhhhh, mon ami! Ows eet 'anging you batard?
K-D: I'm good. I just want to know if you think most Quebeckers are racists. It's for a piece I'm doing for the blog.
Tremblay: Huh? You gonna call me frog you batard?
K-D: No, I said blog. Look, never mind. Do you think most Quebeckers are racists?
Tremblay: Ah oui, merde. Mais of course hus Quebekers har raceest. Tabernacle mod zeet. Look at 'ow much we loves Jacques!
K-D: What are you talking about? Parizeau? I don't think that's a very good...
Tremblay: Parizeau? Non, non, non. Your henglish eez not very good I thinks. Jacques Villeneuve you batard stupide!
K-D: Dude! Did you just say you think Jacques Villeneuve is a racist?
Tremblay: Huh? Don't you watch da sports? You know, Patrick Carpentier, Bertrand Godin, Mario Gosselin. You know, we loves doze Quebecois raceests, you hunderstand?
K-D: Ahhhh, gotcha. Ok then, I'll let you..
Tremblay: Huh? (garbled yelling away from the receiver) ... I tell you, you gots dead hair on your mix tape. Huh?! Get up dere, I put some Whitesnakes on. K-Dough, you dere? Mod zeet tabernacle...
K-D: Thanks for your, uh, help dude. I'll talk to you later.
Tremblay: Huh? (Yelling, away from receiver into microphone) Helene Bouchard to da booth toute de suite! Ladies hand gentlemans, put your 'ands together for da very super sexy....
(Dial tone...)

*Hat tip to ChuckerCanuck for graciously allowing me to rap in the East Coast style.

The Trees Must Die!

2007-01-15T12:40:00.000-05:00

Happy Shit Day #1, my special friends. Some of you may find this to be just another boring post on an unsexy local waste management issue. Those people may want to visit this happy LINK instead of reading on. Go forth and stupify my lovely goggled and helmeted drool-dispensers!

For those of you who actually think garbage is riveting reading, finger-push your glasses closer to your faces, scrunch your noses up, adjust your breast pocket pen packs and turn down that soft rock Manilow Marathon, because here it comes.

The Issue: There has been talk lately of taxing Toronto grocery stores for using plastic bags or finding otherwise inventive ways to decrease the bazillions of non-biodegradable bags we put into landfills every year.

The Corporate Bullshit: Cathy Cirko, vice-president of the Canadian Plastics Industry Association, says it's unfair to pick on plastic bags because they don't make up a large fraction (I'm assuming she is referring to tonnage) of Toronto's trash. (Source: Toronto Star, Jan 15.)
I mean, who, with a working brain, celebrates this kind of dark news?: Plastics packaging growth expected to outpace paper at least until 2010.

The Sensible Response: Uh, Cathy, do you think we are all as stupid as the happy link clicking mouthbreathers above? Plastic is not an organic compound. Plastic bags, despite the fact that they weigh less than other non-recycled garbage, do not degrade. Plastic is a solid substance that bloats what little landfill space we have left.

Look, I'm no tree hugger, although I may be guilty of a little tender sapling fondling once in awhile. The point is, I'm willing to sacrifice the lives of a few trees if I can put my groceries in a paper bag and have them recycled into new bags while more renewable resource trees grow to replace the ones we cut down in the first place. Forestry - an ecologically sustainable industry- is suffering right now; wouldn't it make a lot of sense to buy more forestry product if it helps absolutely everyone involved?

Or is it just that our world is now completely dominated by happy link-clicking zombie idiot people?

Lily Munster - Dead!

2007-01-12T09:45:00.000-05:00

Canadian actress Yvonne De Carlo - better known to my generation as Lily Munster - died this week. R.I.P. you sexy, bitchy immortal vampiress. Herman was never man enough for you. If only we had been born at different times...ahhhhh.

Ok, that's all you're getting from me today. My brain is currently floating in Creemore and it writhes in pain every time I try to wring any semblance of a thought out.

Happy F Day to you, K-Crew!

John A's Bday!

2007-01-11T16:28:00.000-05:00

I hope you'll all be hoisting a frosty wobbly pop for good ole John Eh. tonight kids! I have it on good word that it's also Chretien's b-day today as well. I, for one, plan to be talking like him by 9 pm tonight. A special meeting of the MBC Executive (Multiple Beverage Coalition of Greater Toronto) has been called for tonight and we will undoubtedly be slobbering odes to the creation of Canada by one of the greatest drunks ever to grace our fair dominion. Vive le Canada!!!

K-Dough Wins Major Award!

2007-01-11T09:10:00.000-05:00

Class, please... Ahem. Class! Thank you. Good morning. Please listen carefully, because I have some delightful news.

It has come to my attention that Popular Doctrine, "a project in political discourse; a place where a socialist and a conservative debate the day's issues" has listed this blog in their top 10 political blogs post.

No solicitation. No fake voting. Just some recognition by a friendly communist comrade for my tireless efforts to make the e-world a better place and to fiercely battle in my personal crusade against partisan stupidship. Check it out: The Best Political Blogs- View From the Left.

Now, I suggest you spend the rest of your day reflecting on your love for me, which I will also be doing.

So Damn Insane

2007-01-11T06:21:00.000-05:00

George Bush said last night that if the US were to withdraw its troops now, the Iraqi government would fall and there would be mass killings. Um, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that exactly what happened when the US invaded Iraq? They've not only drilled a whole in the dike, now their fucking thumbs are stuck in it.

Not to mention, aren't there already MASS KILLINGS going on there? Mass kilings every day of the year? How worse can it get? The sooner you leave Iraq, the sooner whoever wins at killing more people than you already have will put the country back together in some form and a new dictator will take over. Either way, whoever succeeds Saddam couldn't be a bigger Dick-tator than Bush.

And by the way, wasn't Rumsfeld fired? If so, why does the legacy of stupid still speak through his rubber stamp.

Stripper Shakedown Stymied

2007-01-10T19:37:00.000-05:00

Strippers in Windsor, Ontario have won a battle against a discriminatory tax (about $400 per year) they had to pay the city in order to be able to peel there. Thank god the insanity stopped there. I mean what were they planning next? Taxes on cheap bear skin rugs, knock-off perfumes, pole disinfectant and Motley Crue CDs?

Victories like these don't just fall in your lap (ba dum dum). Kudos and pasties to the clubs that fought the bylaw ending the hypocritical practice of shaking down women that many in society revile, just so those same people can enjoy lower property tax rates.

Next, it's time to legalize and regulate prostitution and all sex sector workers to protect women and the public from sleazy pimpish leeches- including a municipal government in this case- who live off the incomes of others.

Housekeeping Note: I'd appreciate feedback from regular commenters on the comments format. Do you guys prefer the pop up or the full page version? Lemme know and I will adjust accordingly. K

A Maritime Cowboy in Asia

2007-01-09T19:13:00.000-05:00

In another highly publicized Rumsfeldesque stunt, Peter "John Wayne" MacKay was in Kandahar yesterday. And once more, Canada's noble military tradition as neutral peacekeeper was stomped down another notch.

MacKay was mugging for the cameras and the cowboys back home, talking about how he was going to give Pakistan an earful on what it should be doing to help Canadians defeat the Taliban. The Toronto Star had this to say:

For all the upbeat talk about the pace of reconstruction in Kandahar's cities and villages – and there was a great deal of such talk by MacKay and by others – the harsh truth is that most of Canada's community development projects here are likely doomed to fail unless the security situation improves. "There are practical challenges we face," MacKay agreed. "We need a greater security perimeter in southern Kandahar.

My question: Do you think the brainiacs over at Foreign Affairs might have thought of picking up the phone and calling Russia to ask the government what they thought of the prospects of bringing peace to country with a history of a resilient, fierce insurgency? Do you think that they would have asked the Russians casually "hey guys, what do you think of our chances of bringing peace to an area peppered with skilled, experienced Taliban guerillas with a measly contingency of only 2-3,000 Canadian soldiers"?

But to be fair to the Foreign Affairs minister, foreign affairs is not really about understanding the tactical situation in other countries is it? Wait a second, maybe that was domestic affairs? No domestic affairs is all about goon hockey players having sex with daughters of billionaires...oh nevermind.

ACTRA Strike- Take One!

2007-01-08T09:23:00.000-05:00

ACTRA members have been told not to show up to work today, which will be a serious blow to many performers who have found work increasingly scarce in this country. Not to mention, thousands of other technical staff and related industries will be out of work or will see their revenues completely dry up for the duration of the strike.

Some productions, who have signed on to an interim agreement with ACTRA, are being allowed to continue to operate. Among those are the Rick Mercer Report (yay!) and the Royal Canadian Air Farce (boo!).

My question: If there really is a god - some omnipotent celestial executive producer - and he is in control of choosing any Canadian show to become a victim of this labour action, for fuck's sakes why couldn't he have cast Air Farce into that inescapable fiery pit? Why? Why?

On the upside, hopefully we won't be seeing much of Ben Mulroney for awhile.