Friday, April 28, 2006

Get Well Saku!!!

Saku Koivu sustained what seems to be a serious injury to his eye from an errant stick in Wednesday night's game versus Carolina. Koivu bounced back into the NHL a couple of years ago after surviving cancer, and now this? What cruel misfortune. Recent media reports say he still can't see out of the injured eye and that he may be finished - not only for this playoff run but for his entire career. Boo! Hiss! Boo!

For the love of God, hockey, les Habs and all that is sacred: Please get better Saku. We love you, you big, talented, smiling Finnish ice hockey bastard.

On another note, this reporter of the profane is off to the fabulous Blue Mountain resort and shi-shi playground for the stupidly rich. Thus, I'm leaving this gaping thread open for easy and repeated insertion. Play safe and fair or you will be thoroughly disciplined by my sexy hench woman Pam! See y'all Monday kiddies...

Vive le bleu, blanc et rouge!

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Tune In, Turn On

As Al-Jazeera gears up to launch the international English-language branch of its network, we hear that some Canadians have been hired on. One of them is Richard Gizbert, who was fired by ABC in London for refusing to go to Iraq to cover the war because he has a family he actually cares about and didn't want to die. Go figure.

Now Gizbert is the kind of giant-balled iconoclast I'd want working for me if I was putting together a news outlet that George Bush and all his tiny-testicled neo-con jackasses already despise. Let's just hope the CRTC doesn't render
Al-Jazeera totally impotent in Canada, like they tried to do last time they applied for a broadcast licence here.

Not holding my breath though, with Herr Harper decreeing what everyone should see and hear these days. Although, I guess we should be thankful he's looking out for us. Otherwise, we might chose media outlets that provide us with the news equivalent of popcorn and beer. And that's what Canadians voted against in the last election. Right?

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Bella Rona!

Gomery is gone, but these days there is a much better excuse to watch Question Period. As you may or may not know, political parties are keenly aware of who ends up in a camera shot when their questions and answers are televised. I can assure you, it is no coincidence that Rona Ambrose is in every single cam shot of Stephen Harper. She brings up his visual value by about 5 billion per cent. Next to Harper - that stiff, stuffed Pauncharello - she is always sleek, sexy and sophisticated.

I am no fan of the CPC, but I'll tell ya one thing: Rona gives me a bona!

Photo: Little Jason Kenney tries to stifle the swelling anxiety in his god-fearing pants, as he akwardly pretends he is not looking at the prettiest, dreamiest girl in class.

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Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Laughs by the Barrel

Seems to me, George Bush forgot one essential point in his plan to lower gas prices. How about not causing political, economic and social turmoil in some areas of the world where oil is produced? Duhhh, that might help.

Greasy Situation

What does this Jerry Springer-like lovers' quarrel between the CAW and the NDP say to you? To me, it's a sign that organized labour- at its most evolved, powerful level- no longer identifies with the left, because the standard of living and wages for its members have risen exponentially in the past 30 years. The CAW is like a late blossoming high school geek. A geek who couldn't get a date, but then started working out and taking steroids.

As the muscles grew, the zits cleared up and the dates with the fairer sex started rolling in. Eventually, the CAW forgot all about the geeky NDP - even though the NDP had been there for them when they were awkward and hiding a boner behind a tattered soft cover copy of Karl Marx's Communist Manifesto. Now, the CAW are treating the NDP like Danny Zuko treated Sandy at the pep rally. The NDP is thinking (or should be soon) "Buzz, it's me Jack. Don't you remember me from the summer? The beach? The long walks and kisses?". But Buzz is shrugging in front of his new, cooler friends, and saying "huh? Neva met cha bi-otch".

Neo-Conada Screws Dead Soldiers

What a disgusting, cynical political ploy Harper is pulling by not lowering the flag for Canada's 4 fallen soldiers. He says he is restoring tradition. I say he is trying to avoid making unpopular deaths more conspicuous. It's a cheap PR strategy to help maintain support for being complicit in a US-driven war and nothing more. Instead of letting Harper off easy with a simple mouth full of Bush's lumpy jizz, I say we shove a rifle in his fucking cowardly baby-soft, white knuckled hands and throw his white collared ass out in front of a hail of bullets and bombs.

UPDATE: Today, the Globe, Star and Post all ran pictures of the Canadian soldiers' coffins, draped in our flag, returning home. Be thankful that, at least, we haven't sunk to the propagandic control of the media that the US has - yet. But Harper is working on it.

DOWNDATE: Apparently, I spoke too soon yesterday. King Harper issued another censorship edict. No more media coffin shots. Welcome to the US. Please spread your legs and bend over while we check you for personality and individual thought.

Friday, April 21, 2006

The Two Wheeled Solution

This is a message for all you concrete jungle dwellers out there. With the start of construction season looming, and the price of fuel skyrocketing, K-Dough is challenging y'all to use the Two Wheeled Solution! Riding your bike is like having sex (for those of you who haven't had sex in a long time, having sex is also like riding a bike). Why is it like sex? Well, I'll tell ya:
  1. Both are free (for most of us - emotional taxes not included.)
  2. Both are good for you (increases circulation and strength in your heart, legs and genital regions)
  3. Both are spiritually invigorating (biking brings you closer to Buddha)
  4. With a few quick modifications, your bike seat can become an exceptionally stimulating device.

So please: Leave your stinky, smog-producing killing machines at home. We don't need any more of that shit on our streets. Take transit. Walk. Smoke a joint and sit at home all day in your underwear with the shades drawn watching porn. Whatever.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Have I No Shame?

Hey kids! Today is Uncle K-Dough's birthday. In his modest K-way, he is inviting you all to shower him with well wishes and e-kisses for a coming year full of plentiful absurd thoughts, lots of sex, money, peace and joy. K-Dough also invites you to call him a self-centred ass for referring to himself in the third person- like he just did there. And again there. And again, coming up, just after this.

As a token of his affection, K-Dough would like to impart these precious words of wisdom to his flock on this auspicious day, which were transmitted to him via a very wise woman once: If you must drink excessively tonight, please wear an adult diaper and try not to smash your head on the coffee table again, ok? Because if you do, I will step on your throat until you choke to death in your sleep, you stupid jackass.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Michelle Mann on Legal Affairs

Today, I'm using this space to show respect and give props to my dear friend Michelle Mann, who has decided to take the shivering plunge into the icy waters of blogdom. Michelle is one of them smart persons, with some excellent things to say about social justice, politics and law. She already appears on television shows, including as a regular guest on the Michael Coren Show on Wednesdays and writes for several publications, including CBC's online Viewpoint.

So, please take a look at her maiden post and re-visit often!!! You can view her blog, entitled Manndates here. Check out her bio/web site as well, here.

(See that Mish- I didn't even use the word fuck once! Oh fuck! Damn. Oops, I did it again. Sorry. What I meant to say was...awwwww f-get abowt it.)

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Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Bush Goes Nucular

George Bush, today, said he would not rule out using nuclear weapons against Iran, if such action was required to counter a nuclear threat from the country. However, Bush followed that statement by saying that he would not rule out wearing his Aquaman Underoos tonight after bathtime either, if he thought that his handlers might give him an extra Oreo with his pre-bed time warmed milk, because they would find him irresistably cute.

You gotta think stratageticably about these kind of matters, you know.

Alberta: Dangerfield of Canada?

A new CBC poll has revealed that 60% of Albertans believe they don't get enough respect from the rest of Canada and feel jilted because Canadians think they don't have to work for their riches. Well, I'm no Alberta hater, but the history of the development of the oil industry in Alberta speaks for itself. I actually saw a show about it once, a long time ago. There was this Jed guy, who was hunting jack rabbits, and accidentally blasted a hole in his backyard with his shot gun. All of a sudden, this black geyser shot up out of the ground, and next thing you know, he was moving into a stylin' mansion with his kin folk.

Now, that really isn't working is it? Not everyone can go around shooting at cute little animals, and end up becoming a multi-millionaire. In Ontario, Jed would have been tackled to the ground, beaten with his shot gun, robbed and then thrown in the slammer only to be ass-raped by gang members. Out there, they give him pay cheques for life and his own company.
Now I ask you: Is that fair?

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Philosophical Goop

On the occassion of this blog's 10,000th or so hit this weekend, I reflected on some questions I've been asked over the past few months. The number one thing people have asked me is what I get out of blogging. Well, I've thought about it and the simplest answer I came up with is that blogging is like masturbating with a little more thought put into it. The rewards are more ethereal, and there is a lot less post-posting clean-up involved. Each has it's place though. One empties the soul of a stream of consciousness and the other empties...well, I'll save that for another day.

I hope this has helped to unlock the enigma that has perplexed so few for so many minutes.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Killing Fields of the Easter Egg Hunt

Stupor model, amateur porn princess and battered chicken activist Pamela Anderson is gearing up to lead a PETA expedition to Canada once again. This time, it is to protest the Annual Katawalkie Easter Egg hunt. The barbaric practice has been a local tradition since 1983, when the petting zoo began losing revenues and the town needed an economic boost. On Easter morning, thousands of savage, salivating Canadian children gather to systematically hunt, unwrap and devour the Christian delicacy. The messy practice has its roots in prehistoric times, according to Anderson's publicist, when pagan rodent-meat eaters would break open eggs and suck helpless dino-fetuses out with their toothy beak-like appendages.

The hunt isn't wasteful or environmentally dangerous say the children. The tin foil pelts collected from the naked egg carcasses are used to make jewellry, space age anti-alien hats or are simply rolled up into tight little balls that can be used as ammunition to ward off other child hunters. But the children have been criticized for their killing methods. Last year, several hundred KinderSurprise eggs were brutally clubbed open by frustrated child hunters who were not patient enough to simply nibble the shell away.

In 2003, at a similar hunt in Palo Alta California, Anderson reportedly wept at the sight of a broken-open and discarded easter creme egg, allegedly saying "it looked up at me with its pathetic yolk, and seemed to cry save me momma". One of the egg hunters, Billy Hamilton, callously said, "uh, it's just a chocolate egg you stupid dummy idiot head face".

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Shoot and Spend Tories

What is going on in Ontario? This week, Conservatives have criticized the government because 8 bikers got iced, but out of the other sides of their mouths say the Attorney General was wrong to approve a deal that paid out mafia millions to an innocent woman who was shot standing in a sandwich store during a botched mob hit. Where the hell do the blue meanies stand on crime? These fools are the remnants of the macho Harris-era party who paraded their tough on crime stance around Ontario like the Tiny Testicled chapter of the Travis Bickle fan club.

What I hear them saying now is the Liberals must do more to protect the safety of bikers
and let the mafia keep their blood money while they shoot innocent people. I dunno. You tell me. Does tough on crime mean that we should put a lot of black people in jail, but let bikers and mafioso shoot and spend as they wish?

Political grandstanding on the heels of human tragedies is a crime. The Tories should be paying restitution to every taxpayer who voted for them.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Balls, Bows and Bylines

So, a reporter at the Ottawa Citizen wrote a piece on my exchanges - and yours- with Ashley MacIsaac on this site last week. The headline read Fiddler strings bow for Liberal party's top spot: MacIsaac releases 3,000-word unofficial policy statement online.
You can read the article here.

During those exchanges, MacIsaac made several comments about the obscurity of bloggers and their readers. He even went so far as to say he was only interested in talking to the public and Liberals who would actually be taking part in the leadership vote, but not bloggers. I tried to explain to him then a point that has been proven now. Blogging is becoming a powerful tool that the public and mainstream media have at their disposal to mine new kinds of sources. It can give voice to the voiceless, and expose the footprints of those who may wish they had not tread at all.

It is interesting to note, with respect to my post yesterday about mass media and sound bite apathy in political communications, that the blogosphere offers an alternative to scripted and often empty messaging: It offers dynamic discourse. That makes Ashley MacIsaac an innovator in political communications, as the first (still undeclared) leadership hopeful to float his platform on a blog! (Nice spin huh?)

I stand by my view that Ashley has balls, and I urge him to continue to speak at the grass roots level- no matter what the medium. Although, he may want to watch where he choses to air-out his fleshy nut sack from now on.

A scoop. On this blog. In Canada. I'm not making this up.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Sober Sunday: Why Iggy is Doomed

It has been torturous watching Michael Ignatieff try to defend intellectual freedom. It's like watching someone screaming Japanese at a room full of Greeks. The reason he can never be leader of the Liberal party is that, by his nature, he must defend the right to think and express critically considered ideas. To the detriment of democratic expression, that is no longer a priviledge that politicians enjoy. The constraints involved in neatly packaging ideas for the mass mainstream media and the dominance of communications theory in the political and bureaucratic realms have destroyed a politician's freedom to express critical, complex thoughts. Being smarter than the rest of society is no longer something to be respected, but presents a critical flaw. Lofty essays are ignored by the public, unless their contents can be expressed in a single sentence or economic equation.

In short, Iggy is a square apple in a box full of round oranges. No one likes a smarty pants.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Judas Libby and The Stupid Jesus

Does anyone else think it is exquisitely ironic that in the last 24 hours Bush was implicated for directing the leak of top secret information AND biblical scholars say Judas was not really a bad guy? Scooter "Judas" Libby was only doing what George "the Stupid Jesus" Bush told him to do. Now the psycho right wing born agains can't blame anyone but their own retarded messiah. I love it. Everythang is bigger in Texas- especially stupid. When they grow 'em they really do grow 'em. (Nothing against Texans in general, of course)

Girl Interrupted

Hearing Belinda Stronach talking out of the side of her little snakish mouth to the CBC after her bail-out presser yesterday really enraged me. I hate to get all serious on yo' asses today, but the fact that people even contemplated her as victor illustrates the sorry state of politics in Canada. Look, I am no Gerard Kennedy fan club member. He is wonkish and reserved and packs all the star punch of a librarian on Qualudes. But as least he is experienced, smart and from all accounts, motivated by altruistic impulses.

Belinda Stronach is a smug, silver-spooned,
she-ain't-pretty-she-just-looks-that-way Daddy's girl, who displays the disgusting amoral opportunism so revered in incestuous private sector executive circles.

Nice excuse as well. If you want to reform the party costitution, wouldn't it make sense to become leader, and then steer the ship on a course of change? She might as well have said "I'm not running because I don't want to join your stupid club anyways". She should stick to the clubs she is used to- of the country variety. They are right up her alley, since they take no effort at all to get into- just reputation and cash.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Funeral Service With a Smile

This friendly fire thing really illustrates why we shouldn't have guns in the military. The proliferation of guns in the military has become a serious problem, and has been proven by science to cause death in amiable soldiers. Why are we standing idly by and letting cordial warriors die when all we have to do is take away their guns? Did you know that, today, there are more guns in the Canadian military than on Toronto's streets?

Dying by
friendly fire. Is that anything like contracting a wonderfully delightful case of gonorrhea? Is it ok to shoot and kill someone if you invite them out for tea and cucumber sandwiches first, and then, while smiling politely, stick a hot smoking barrel in their mouth and spray their fucking brains all over the tea room? No. Not only is it deceitful, but it's a flagrant display of bad manners.

Stupid kills as stupid does people. For the love of god: Take the guns away from soldiers, and give them back to young children, just like Charlton Heston would do if he hadn't been fatally shot by his pet Chihuahua Atilla. Of course, it was an honest accident.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Speech From Satan's Throne

Why hasn't anyone in the MSM or punditry connected the dots yet in the wake of yesterday's Throne Speech? Can no one see the apocalyptic plot that is unfolding and is so crystal clear to me?
Let's see:
Policy plank 1: Clean up government.
plank 2: Build a bunch of new jails.
You know what that says to me? Stephen Harper is going to arrest, purge and lock-up civil servants
en masse in medieval style dungeons and install his own blue winged monkeys in their places! And I swear I saw a horn pop right out of Michaelle Jean's forehead during the speech, when she got to the part about the GST.

Where are the Chretien-era master monster-slayers when you need them? Warren? Are you in there? Helllllllllllllllllllllllo. Is this thing on?

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

The Buble Tube

Is it just me, or does Michael Buble - that human piece of moistened wonder bread dressed in a shiny spandex suit- really suck mule ass? His voice has all the soul of a 48 year old Sunday School music teacher, who, if asked, would probably say, "my passion for accountancy sometimes cuts into the life-affirming time that inspirational music offers my spirit, but I persevere, because I just adore singing for the children". I thought I was watching Barry friggin' Manilow performing the other night when I switched on the Junos for a few seconds, before throwing up in my mouth and frantically clicking buttons on the converter, as if it were a Gravol drip.

Who, on God's green earth - or Satan's fiery orange carpet for that matter- listens to this processed cheesy kife? What is this, the 1950s? They call it crooner music. But who the hell knows why, since the only thing it has in common with the likes of Pat Boone or Dean Martin is its neatly-pressed white cardigan suicide-inspiring vast lameness! Crooner music? Nuh uh- it's fucking cringer music to me. Give me hard core or give me a humiliating diaper change from a giant hairy wrestler in front of thousands. Just my opinion...

Monday, April 03, 2006

Simply Wrong

So, the cops are cracking down on simple posession of pot again because their political masters in Ottawa are 'signalling' a change in policy. I really don't understand how we can fault a simple person for possession. Simple people are humans too.

Occassionally, a
simple person may take a little haul off a big fattie because he or she is unable to avoid succumbing. Take for instance, my friend Basil. Baz has a serious problem with Pink Floyd. Everytime we put on Dark Side of the Moon at a party Baz is compelled by his disability to smoke a J. You can't imagine what happens when he hears the Black Sabbath classic Sweet Leaf! But the problem doesn't end here.

Simple people, like Baz, can get even more simple once they puff on a smooth twister. In fact, once we were all sitting around stoned, sharing a couple of cans of cold Chef Boyardee, and Baz got so high and laughed so hard he soaked the front of his Quiet Riot tour short with idiot drool.

So, please coppers: I know you have a responsibility to protect the public from criminals. But simpletons like Baz do not deserve to be persecuted because of their disability. I thought we lived in a tolerant society.